In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

Oh they also always try to force 40 year old toys on my child and clothes. We also constantly look at baby pics of their children and hear about their baby stories. Not just sometimes, constant references to how they lived their family lives when they were kids. It is constant. We have a few of the old toys and every time my son plays with them, we are reminded about how MIL's kids also played with those toys. Every single time. Every single time he uses anything that's ever been used by MILs children we are reminded of it. I firmly believe when you get married and have children you make your own family and start your own traditions. I just feel like we are an extension of their family, rather than having our own.

It sounds incredibly irritating so you have my sympathy, but put it into perspective. It comes from a place of love, and although I’m sure it feels like yours and your family’s contributions to your child are being disregarded, it’s unlikely to be being done with that intention. It’s just mil seeing the joy in the grandchild in her family and reinforcing it. She clearly adores your child and wants him to grow up feeling close to her and her family, it’s not a terrible thing.

I seem to remember some research about families reinforcing that a baby looks/is like father as a way of reinforcing paternity when only a human mother can be sure the baby is theirs. I am obviously not saying that the baby isn't dh's but that it is a natural way of trying to make sure the man realises his responsibility to the baby and the father's family looking for evidence to support the idea that the baby is his. It is totally subconscious. Very annoying nevertheless.

Yeah I totally get it but it's so irritating. I feel completely cast to the side like I just don't matter at all. My family don't do it whatsoever, which I find interesting. Maybe because I'm the mother, they don't feel like they have to do it as there can never be any arguing with that. Where's with the father thing, it could be some evolutionary thing like the previous poster says. I find that theory very interesting but I would just appreciate if we could feel like more of a family unit, rather than an extension of their family. I think it's heightened because I don't really like my in laws that much.

They're excited about a new baby in their family. They are surely unlikely to know much about your family. I dont think my MIL knows how many uncles I have, never mind what talents they have!

Why dont you just say "oh my families super musical, me, my uncle etc etc all play instruments really well". "Nah, I think his hair comes from my mum, remember her super curly hair."
It's a bit weird that you just sit there silently, it's not about demanding that it's all from your side but about having a conversation. Your child is half their genetics and half your genetics so there will be a mix of things that come from them and a mix that come from your family.

How often do you actually see or talk to the inlaws OP?

That would make me crazy.

Just feel sorry for them, they obviously yearn for the baby days.

@Nottherealslimshady nice user name by the way love it !

They're usually referring to the baby's uncle and aunt. So husbands brother and sister. They know mine and I actually talk about them frequently. You're right maybe I should just casually drop it into conversation. Especially with the music thing. I quite clearly have my instruments on display in my house, but yet, I won't be the one to teach said instruments but grandpa will haha. They're definitely not doing it on purpose but I never do it to my sis in law. I am an extremely proud aunt to my brother and sis in laws children but I never draw comparisons. My niece looks a lot like me and is a lot like me, but my parents never say it. We only half agree when the parents say it about her. Like I don't take credit for my niece in any way. That's my sis in laws daughter. It's just not something we ever do in my family. I super respect my brother family and I'm an extension to it as an aunt but I don't claim his children.

@lljkk I see them all the time. Twice a week maybe. At least once a week.

I appreciate that it’s irritating but I agree it comes from a place of love and at least they are interested and care. Some peoples in-laws either don’t care or they would love them to care but they are dead. Just smile, nod and appreciate how much you are to have such a minor worry in your life.

@lampshade50 I have a family member like this - my daughter has got EVERYTHING from every other family member but me? In fact said family member rolled their eyes once when I said she has her dads eyes (rather than her Aunty's) 😓 it's like they need to reinforce my baby is not actually just mine but theirs too, which is why she gets absolutely everything from them, even down to bits of personality. It's very weird and I think it's a form of them being controlling, I just ignore it tbh because I know who she really gets it from!

Yes, push back on that a bit. Say “think the hair’s from my side!” or “We’re all very musical on my side so he’ll have a lot of people teaching him to play the saxtuba” or whatever.

@FestiveChristmasLights I totally get what you're saying in terms of actual life problems, this is nothing. I just think there is more to it, as we don't have the best relationship and they undermine and criticise a lot. This is just another way, but it is unintentional. I hope that in the future it will be OK. That's my worry that it will get worse as he gets older. I just feel like the birth giver and really, they'd prefer if I wasn't there. And that isn't a nice feeling. So this is deeper than what I wrote. But yeah in the grand scheme of life, it's nothing.

I got this. My MIL talked a load of shite. When she does it just passively aggressively, balance the books. For example re the curly hair, just say "oh I think it's from the maternal said because x,y and z have it and look at my hair". Every time. She'll realise you're not a push over.

@cupcakesandglitter omg this sounds identical !! It's so annoying and I do think there is more to it. It's a grandma not wanting to let go of her best days as a mum and losing her place at the table as the matriarch and feeling more and more insignificant. It's also the family generally, if they don't really like you - like in my case, they won't want to attribute your qualities onto your child. They try to claim everything about the child as theirs. Oh well !

Due to the pandemic, have they been extra intense this year do you think because they’ve been so limited with what they can do so are focusing on your baby?

I’d try to start organising things for next year to gradually reduce the amount you see them so even if they do carry on the same way, you don’t have to put up with it we often.

Hope you are able to have a good Christmas without their comments.

YANBU

I would start seeing them less. DH can see them as often as he likes but you are terribly busy aren't you?

@FestiveChristmasLights they are just super excited and I do understand. Maybe if my husband gently mentions it in a funny way, they will realise it. I think we are spending Christmas with my side yay. So there won't be any comments and if my fam did start doing that I would take them aside and make them realise how it comes across and it's not nice for my husband.

I'm the same as you with my nieces, I'd never think to compare them to anyone other than their own siblings or parents. But I am very prepared for all of DHs family to be comparing my child to their cousin, especially if ours is a boy (wont know till birth).
Definitely just casually drop in the comparison to yourself, you just need to keep casually maintaining that fact that he is, in fact, your child. Like with the "oh grandad can teach him to play the guitar" I'd have replied (if I had a musical bone in my body) "or I can" and laughed. But I am pretty blunt

@lockdownalli hahaha love that.. I am super busy already back at work so yeah.. but they get funny if I don't take my baby round on the couple of days I have off to myself. It's not nice.

Do you think that if you liked them more it would bother you less...

@Eviebeans it's hard to say but I actually like my brother in law and sister in law. I think it would still eventually grind on me to be honest but it's hard to say.

but they get funny if I don't take my baby round on the couple of days I have off to myself. It's not nice.

Well that's fine. They can get as funny as they like surely? Let DH deal with it. Is he running round there with the baby on all of his days off? Or does he have important MAN things to do ?

I can't believe you are spending your precious days off with people you don't like. New Years Resolution for you OP - Big Girls Pants

OP don’t start seeing them less as pp suggested! That’s a sure fire way to cause issues in the family. Just mention your own families attributes now and again or just change the subject. I know it’s irritating my in laws do the same, I’ve learned to let it go over my head now, I zone out or butt in and change the subject.

This would drive me absolutely bonkers. In fact, I would go so far to say that I would have probably exploded long ago privately to DH about it, who would have agreed it was ridiculous, agreed it would be really annoying if my family did that to him and agreed he was really glad that they didn’t.

He then would have said something to them jokingly, every time they said it, ‘ha ha-I think the curly hair has probably come from his mum, don’t you?!’. ‘I think if anyone’s going to teach him to play the euphonium, it’ll be his mummy!’ Hopefully it would pretty soon stop.

What does your DH say every time they say something?