In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

@lockdownalli love that important man things.. isn't that so true ! Even though they get funny, I don't always go there anyway even now, as I don't care. But I was trying to illustrate how possessive they are over their 4th child hahahahaha

Why are you taking him round on your days off?! I'd be calling it a day on that - that's your time why are you giving it to them? They aren't your parents - I'm not surprised you are wound up!

@Redlocks28 yeah so I only really finally mentioned it today actually. As it only properly sank in for me today why I get irritated. I couldn't really put my finger on it but when BIL saw me get the guitar out yesterday and his first response was ' dad can teach her '- I thought - no. This is not right. So I mentioned it to husband today and yes he totally agreed. He should just throw my name into the mix more in a joking way and they'll get it.

MIL actually said the other day that son was going to be tall like his uncle and that he has the same head shape.. we are also very tall on my side.... hahaha you have to laugh though, it is funny.

@wizzbangfizz yeah absolutely. So I don't do it often, but they complain that I don't. And that's the point that annoys me. They have no right to complain about it. I'm really busy, my job is really stressful and I don't have any childcare and have to somehow manage the house and my baby and work by myself. So when I have a Saturday off, I want to enjoy just spending time with my baby.

Maybe your DH can take baby around to see them & he can be treated to their family gushing. I can't see why you need to be exposed so often. I don't think you'll change them. But see their enthusiasm as an opportunity.

Can you mentally file it in a box marked 'meaningless talk?'

After all, the person who is going to teach them to play an instrument is actually going to be you, the old toys are going in the bin/charity shop, anyone who meets him in the street is going to say he gets his curly hair from you...

I used to get this all the time from DF's parents. I was the double of my mum so even I thought it was funny that they would witter on about how I definitely got x feature from great uncle George who I had never heard of before, far less met, and certainly not from the woman who had birthed me and given me 50% of my DNA

My parents used to laugh about it in the car on the way home.

@lljkk yeah I haven't done that yet. I'm gearing up to sending him somewhere without me. I think that's their ideal situation to have him without me. And that's ok. I think soon I'll do it and just get time to myself for once.

@AnnaMagnani yeah definitely a good approach too. I try to do that with most things they do but it does grind on me. I actually think they already hold back at how much Son looks like dad. Hahah

I just hope I don't blow one day. That's what usually happens and there's no coming back from it. This is where said problems come from. Taking it on the chin and then finally saying no and then you're the devil. I just need to laugh it off.

I thought they sounded thick anyway but really it's pretty stupid of them to be so irritating and piss you off because you won't go round go often will you??

Then they won't get to see this amazing reincarnation of the whole of their family so much and they will miss seeing the miracle .

I am glad you have got advice and empathy from this thread. I am surprised you haven't shouted at them! Please visit a lot less often and get your dh on side for both of you to gently challenge this embarrassing and ridiculous behaviour .

@lampshade50

I just hope I don't blow one day. That's what usually happens and there's no coming back from it. This is where said problems come from. Taking it on the chin and then finally saying no and then you're the devil. I just need to laugh it off.

No, I disagree. I think your DH needs to step up and say something when they say it. Otherwise, they’ll do it every single time you see them for your child’s entire life, or...until you blow and have a massive falling out.

Why would you not stage a little intervention if you don’t fancy either of those outcomes?

My PIL do the same, it drives me up the wall and actually quite upset me a few times in the past. It’s like I’m completely irrelevant and it’s all about them and their son. My FIL is especially bad and really competitive. He seems desperate to prove himself a better GP than my parents. One time when baby was still tiny he asked me exactly how many days we’d spent with my DP with baby so far and started adding up how many days they’d seen him. I just try to ignore it now and see it as rather pathetic

My DF stepped up - it went down in family legend

His parents didn't stop it but my mum maintains that there is a moment in a marriage where a man has to tell his parents that he stands by his wife otherwise the marriage doesn't last.

maybe not by telling them to fuck off which is what my DF did

She may have a point because at about year 2 of our marriage I needed my DH to do the same. He did it more politely though!

My partner's family is exactly the same. Our daughter does look very much like her dad but she has my big brown eyes. His Grandma said "Oh she's got big beautiful eyes, who has eyes like that in our family??" That really pissed me off cause my eyes are one of the few things I actually like about myself. It's like I'm just a vessel and I'm not actually related to her. I do actually like them but it's irritating.

@Redlocks28 I just have not worked out how to deal with them that's the problem. I keep trying the same thing. Stay silent and think ' they don't mean it ' ' it's you not them ' and then eventually I tell them and look really bad. Because of course, they never mean it the way I take it do they ? It's always because I don't understand and because I have bad thoughts. It's never their fault and the other children get involved and I'm basically hanged up on. Which leaves me feeling like it really is me and I just shut up and take it until the next time I blow up and say something. Then they say I am wrong and crazy and the whole cycle starts again. It's difficult when it's you vs 5 people ( husband also often doesn't get it ). But I do need to break the cycle. I just feel disrespected and devalued as a mum and feel like I had no role in the making of this child. Haha it's ridiculous. But it doesn't keep me up at night or anything, for now.

@Ivy455 OMG I also have big brown eyes and this is my best feature and also one of the only nice things about me hahahah and they NEVER say his big brown eyes are mine. Apparently they're his uncles eyes ahhaahah

My MIL frequently asks who my son "looks like ". The truth is he looks like my beloved, much-missed dad, who died before my son was born. I have told her this several times and she just keeps asking, so I think she wants her grandson to look like her boys instead.

She asks so often, I did at one stage wonder if she thinks I had an affair. But no, I'm pretty sure she just wants to trace her
genetic influence, and feel connected.
I don't see any harm in it, I just humour her as I can't pretend to see a resemblance that isn't there. Occasionally my DH jokes that our son isn't his biological son which winds MIL up. My son really doesn't have anything in common with my DP except having white skin.

I can see how your MIL irritates you. Just count to ten and try to ignore it. In my experience, the comparisons die down once DC grow up a bit and develop their own personalities.

@AnnaMagnani this is absolutely right and good on your father and your husband to do this. I will always tell my mum to tell pipe down if I feel she's gone too far with my husband. Hasn't happened many times but I immediately stepped in. Husbands family is slightly different and no one ever calls out the parents on their behaviour. But you're right, he's going to have to do it ! And he'll have to do it with the whole family present, once and for all. I'm going to tell him.

I'm kind of struggling to see the context of the musical instrument. I'm imagine everyone sitting and chatting and then you suddenly whipping out the guitar and singing at them all!

In all honesty though, as much as you might understand the why of it, it's still bloody annoying for you!

I agree with gentle push back but also think it's madness that you bring him around on your days off. You're his mum, you need time with him, too.

When you feel comfortable, let DH take him around for a couple of hours sometimes without you. Sometimes with so they don't all just start pretending you don't exist!

Wait until he’s old enough to develop a few less cute habits: raging tantrums, food faddiness, naughty behaviour in general (sorry, all DC do some pretty grim things eventually!) Then you can really have some fun pinning it down to their perfect family.

It does sound very annoying but you say you don’t like them so bound to be worse. Just see them a bit less?

OMG I get it.

My MIL used to go on & on about the kids having brown eyes like her & FIL.

Yes, & both my husband & I & both my parents!

It did feel as if they were trying to increase their connection & by so doing lessen mine.

It seems to be quite common that the man's family expecst the woman to facilitate a relationship between them and their grandchildren cause their son/relative can't be arsed.
I had the same problem with my MIL after my daughter was born. She'd call in all the time unannounced and I'd end up having to sit with her for hours while my partner played on his computer. We no longer speak at all. It's a bit of a long story but basically her behaviour and temper tantrums when she couldn't get her own way got out of hand and I refuse to engage anymore as she wouldn't apologise. As a result she hasn't seen her granddaughter for 2 years because she's too stubborn to have an adult conversation with me. I know she paints me as the evil bitch who took her son and grandkid away but it's not my fault she has no relationship with her son. Nothing is stopping him from taking his daughter over. Sorry I went on a bit of a tangent there lol.

OP I could have written all of your posts (and many others on this thread) myself - feeling like a human incubator, constant comments about their relatives from long, long ago having the same features and personality traits, them just wanting to see DH and baby without me around, baby not seeing them enough...

However there was one feature they didn't claim responsibility for - when baby went through that stage of having a ginger tinge to their hair, which I don't see the slightest issue with, they could not think where that could have come from - the fact that DH's grandmother had bright ginger hair was the best kept family secret

All I can say is that @AnnaMagnani 's mother is very wise - we are no longer together. Not solely because of this reason, but it obviously contributed to the friction between them and myself, he did not stand up for me and often didn't even see the issue.

I imagine they are delighted that we are separated as they now have all of *their' family together without me. The fun part is hearing him complain that he barely gets to see his child when he visits them because they are so overbearing - I might be cruel but yes, I feel smug 😏

If your DC is happy there then don't reduce visiting, just reduce headspace given to this. Think of it as them passing on the family history of their side of the family much like your's will, rather than take it as implied snubbing or criticism of you and yours. At the extreme, would you be happy if every statement you made was subject to this level of evaluation and criticism or if they had little interest in your DC?

Good luck.

And it might be helpful to remember they will have seen their side of the family at that age so memories will echo with hair and behaviour for the previous family babies, that's not a bad thing, just a means of continuity. It's when they pass and the DC don't have answers to questions that can be as sad.