In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

Op we had this!!..

I can't think of much nice to say about my in laws and this was another issue that really annoyed me but also showed how inward looking and narrow minded in laws are.
Especially as my own family are depleted.

What stopped it was when I started to say things like '' oh look she's excelled in her latest English test, of course my df excelled in English, oh look, an over bite, does that come from your side? Cousin x has one doesn't she and the acne... No one on my side but cousin y has it? ''

Didn't hear much back after a one retorts along those lines.. Op be thankful you have a nice family to balance it out on your sid. e. I didn't have that

@Zilla1 I always try to see it from their point of view too. Whenever there's any tension there are always two sides involved. Which is why I haven't said anything about this to them until now. I think my behaviour and comments are heavily criticised by them and undermined. And yes I wouldn't mind if my child was not considered as thejr child, but rather as their grandchild. Also, yes I understand it brings up memories of when their children were young, but having to sit through it every time is just too much. Every action being compared to what their children did and the endless stories makes me feel more of an outsider too, cos obviously they're constantly reminiscing about a time I did not exist. I don't know, my parents just don't do it. Barely. The odd comment but they don't put all their history on my husband and make him sit through hours of home videos and family photos and stories, every time he goes to their house. A perfect example is the following: my parents in the living room where visitors are received have pics of the whole family and all the grandparents - including daughter in laws / son in laws etc. No baby pics of us. Just current pics. Then there is a more private area where some baby pics and childhood pics are also displayed. PILs house is ONLY pics of the children when babies, no present day pics. Not one pic of our wedding, nothing. Just old dated pics of them. That's fine, but it's just an example of their mind set. Which is also fine but it just seems they want to relive and recreate with my child and basically a world where I didn't exist hahah.

@TheRubyRedshoes hahah that's perfect !! Good responses !! I have done that about a couple of health issues - ' eh no one in my family has that '. Pretty mean but it was true !

@suddengate that must be just the best feeling that he finally understands you. Too little too late! These things really are very common. I've read about them so often. Everyone also takes it differently. Some people can just let it go. I wish I could be like that.

Thinking aloud but I think the issue also exists as I feel like an outsider as I'm not related to them and I spend a fair amount of time with them. Also everyone gangs up on me when there's a disagreement. So listening to so many of their childhood stories just makes me feel less part of it too. I can't see my family as much because of distance. I think that plays into it.

I thought when you have a child you feel more part of something. But I feel more outside than ever and these comments just amplify it. I was just there to produce their 4th child and that's it.

They're very much ' blood is thicker than water ' types and you feel it. I'm not really like that and would easily go against my parents / siblings if I thought they were being out of line with my sis in law ' a stranger ' as they would see it I guess. I don't believe in that and I actually often take my sis in laws side if required. Not that it's really required but my husband's would never ever ever do that with me because I'm not their blood. Now I've produced this child who they see as their blood. I'm just the idiot who did that haha

My sister's MIL was quite pleased that her grandchild has eczema and asthma just like her Dad .

i think there is an accepted view on MN that it is up to the mother to keep up with her side of her family and the father to keep up with his. There are lots of posters who think if the Dad doesn't bother, his family's loss, even if he works full time and the mother is a SAHM.
I tried hard to support my husband and his relationship with his parents. When my Father died, my husband was brilliant about keeping my mother's house going, mowing the lawn, emptying gutters etc. In the end we supported each other and the respective families.
I bumped into an old colleague recently and she was very much of the opinion that her family should be favoured, maternal families are always more important. Her mother was now old and needing a lot of support, her husband took a back step as she had always insisted on doing with his parents. She was an only child and resented the lack of active help with her mother. I could see why her husband was reluctant to get involved. Families and their needs change.

@Parkperson I think neither family should be favoured at all. But in our case the in laws really think they should be favoured and it's very clear. My family live further away and I've always made a point of going to see them every couple of months at the least. I don't plan to stop that now I have a child. Covid aside..

But even before I had a child my MIL has on more than one occasion commented that once married etc one cannot just ' go away ' as much as her family also live far away and she didn't go and see them so frequently after marriage- as it's different then. I think that's pretty out of line. My husband has married someone with family further away. We see his most of the time and the trade off is that I will see mine, with or without him and my MIL nor anyone else can expect otherwise.

OP, just wanted to say it is good you have mentioned it to your DH, for some reason they can be annoyingly deaf to these things.
Personally to help stop it you need to do a combo of letting some slide and sticking up for your side so to speak.
I would be cheeky with it too to make sure you get the point across. She keeps mentioning BIL say no dont worry definitely DH's we didn't have an affair. Mentions her family, we least you know i haven't been seeing the milkman. Curly hair, yes they do have it but so do half my family. Musical, yes he will have lots of influence between Grandad, me obviously and of course my mum has LOTS of experience. Just keep pushing back. And if they repeat stories, it does get irritating like they have nothing else to talk off, just start saying yep you have told me before, would you rather be playing with GC while he is here. Change her focus

@Parkperson I regularly visit my FIL and stepMILwith my daughter because I'm good friends with SMIL and they don't expect me to go over, but like it if I do. Not sure if you read my previous comment but the situation with MILwas basically her wanting to show up whenever she wanted and stay for hours. I was sick of having to put up with it while my partner played on his computer because he can't stand her. I have severe anxiety and OCD and I hate people coming to my house unannounced. She knew this but didn't care.
I think if you get on with the family then great, by all means visit them and treat them as your own family but if you find it stressful I don't think there should be an obligation. I do see what you're saying and I know maternal families are often favoured.

Now you have added about her telling you you shouldn't travel to your family now you have one, that tells you A LOT about her perceptions. Just bite back and say, well travel is getting better and better now so never a problem to go and see them. Some generations don't yet understand that people move about more and further away, but are able to also reasonably visit home often. Could really wind her up and tell her you also keep in contact with loads of baby bathtime/ breakfast/bedtime zoom calls. You need to show her you family is important and that won't be stopping.

I love my MIL but she is very much like this & DH understands why it's irritating. So I started saying things like 'Oh must be the nature/nurture thing as we're not sure if her dad is DH or random guy from honeymoon' etc

This must be really annoying, but don't forget that once your son is older I'm sure he'll point out some of their mistakes! Kids are quite good sometimes for being brutally honest! I'm sure he'll point out that 'Mummy's really musical' or whatever.

I firmly believe when you get married and have children you make your own family and start your own traditions. The dictionary definition of a tradition is a set of customs or beliefs which is handed down from generation to generation. So for you to start your own traditions only works if you propose to hand them down the generations, ie behave exactly like your MIL.

I think the problem is you just don't like your ILs and are looking for evidence of unacceptable behaviour to back up your dislike. Of course there is some - no-one behaves perfectly all the time - but some of what you described is them trying to integrate you into their family eg by telling you family stories and passing on family traditions. Just accept that you don't share the same family beliefs that they do, you don't like them as people, and that anything they say has the capacity to annoy you if you're looking for reasons to be annoyed.

Remember your children will grow up and have partners who come from different families and may not share your beliefs. You'll be a MIL yourself, and your DIL will be consigning to the bin that treasured item which is part of "your own little family's tradition".

@PurpleMustang oh yeah definitely. They just keep saying my parents should ' come here ' but cousins and family are also where my parents are and it's a different country with a differing language we are trying to pass this on to him. My parents come here a lot too but I Have always- ever since moving here over 20 years ago gone back to see them every couple of months and I won't be stopping now. I mean obviously covid hasn't made it easy but even then I've managed to go twice and my parents have come here once. Nothing in the world will make me give that up. By her comment was super telling and since I've had the baby and been married etc, I do get push back from Husband too about it - saying parents should come here. But I think it's very important to immerse my child in the culture and language regularly too.

Could really wind her up and tell her you also keep in contact with loads of baby bathtime/ breakfast/bedtime zoom calls. You need to show her you family is important and that won't be stopping.

Absolutely!

I would take it a step further because I am a total bitch and talk about how much better the education system is there, when you live there DS will be so immersed in the language he will pick it up much better, leave details of property near your parents lying around or in your handbag, popping out.

@MereDintofPandiculation I've never actually consigned anything to the bin ! And I do not disagree that some of this is nice. But it's too much and it's all the time. When I have a son or daughter in law I will be very mindful of respecting their wishes of starting their own traditions. Perhaps the dictionary defines it the way you have described but for me it's also comprised of things that we choose to do with our child and that are just for us. Things we won't expect our child to do with his child but that are just ours. So perhaps traditions is the wrong way to phrase them.
I'm sure I'll tell the odd story when I have grandchildren but not constant. It's not my time to relive being a mother. I take your point about not liking them. I need to try to look past it somehow because like you say, everything has the potential to annoy you about someone it you don't like them. I hadn't even looked their story sharing as a way of them including me in their family. It just always seems to provoke the exact opposite feeling from me. But thanks for mentioning that. Again, I can see how doing it sometimes is ok, but if it's done at every dinner and every time we visit, it can be a little overwhelming and make you feel outside of it.

@lockdownalli hahahahaha oh don't even go there.. that's their absolute biggest fear that we take that step but my husband would never. But they do like to say bad things about where I'm from... hahahah typical right.

So, gaslighting the MIL, @lockdownalli?

Gaslighting is to manipulate someone into doubting their sanity. Not really relevant to threatening to move nearer OPs parents - which is something I would genuinely be considering in her shoes.

At the end of the day. No one owns the grandchild or where the grandchild lives and no one can try to stop or influence that. She should NEVER ever have said that to me. It was completely out of line.

Well it's my mum who always did/does this, and not my inlaws. I would just interrupt her (and still do) and say that 'no, I think she gets that from her dad/MIL/PIL'. And once or twice I'd say ' there's another family that she comes from too, y'know!' (but I kept the tone light-hearted)

Personally, in your case I'd do the latter. And more than once. As long as you say it somewhat playfully, you should get away with it. But of course your DH should be doing it too - playfully or otherwise.

@saraclara if it was my parents I would do it exactly as you describe! And have a laugh about it. I mean it is funny !

@lampshade50 how many disagreements are there when they gang up on you?!