In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

@OhCaptain hahah I try for there not to be that many but it usually goes.

MIL tells me I'm big when pregnant or says my relatives are old looking or is rude to my relatives in their own home after they invited her or questions my cleanliness with child for not putting a towel under him when putting him on my clean sheets ( fully clothed) there are many more...

I hold my tongue but eventually say, please can you not say X it upsets me.

Everyone says I'm sensitive and that MIL is ' just that way ' and only means well and that I ' always take everything personally' ML gets upset

I apologise for having upset MIL and take blame

The end and repeat

Oh, and I searched ebay for a particular Fisher-Price toy that my daughter loved, to have for my GD to play with here. Baby GD loves it, and fortunately my DD doesn't seem to have read much into me buying it! I also know that DD's MIL gave them the activity centre that my son in law had when he was a baby (which she'd kept). DD seemed to like that gesture too.

To be honest, having a grandchild DOES bring back all the memories of their parent at that age. I'm absolutely sure that I talk a fair bit about 'when you were that age'.
I'm not trying to treat my grandchild as my own child in any way, or making myself into her parent. Any parent of young children saying that they won't do this when they're a grandparent has no idea of how it will feel when they are one. I didn't when I was a young mum.
And seriously, if you don't have lovely memories of them that you want to share with your kids when they're parents themselves, then I'd find that pretty sad.

@saraclara of course that would be so sad. And I don't claim to have any idea what it will be like. How could I know. I will just hopefully remember this and not overdo it. Or also ask my DIL about her own childhood and her family. My mother does talk about me being little, but more when we are alone.

@saraclara I do ask myself all the time what it must feel like to be a grandma and honestly I just can't imagine it. But from the sounds of it, it's really nice.

Yep, sorry @lampshade50, my comment about imagining grandparenthood was aimed at a pp who claimed that 'she won't do that' when she's a grandparent. It's a bit like childfree adults criticising other people's parenting and saying how they'll do it better when it's their turn!

@saraclara I would like to think I will be different and I'll try to remember when it's my turn hopefully one day. That's all you can do.

Only go to MILs with dh, not on your own. And let him take your child on his own so you get some time to yourself.
I had a difficult relationship with my MIL so I sympathise.
She never displayed any photos we gave her but she took one of dd1 at an odd angle which made her look like my SIL, and that one was put up with some pics of SILs dc. (I had to look twice at the pic as it really didn't look like dd).
Dc2 was the image of me as a young baby. MIL sat there looking at her & said well she doesn't look like any of mine. I answered "that's because she looks like me". MIL just hmmpffed. (The inference was that if she didn't look like that side of the family then dh wasn't the father! Btw, he is and there was never any doubt).
I found it easier to keep her at a distance with infrequent visits. I left dh to deal with her whingeing.

irritating - retort when appropriate to your own family traits.
There was a thread I read on here yesterday where OP was upset that in-laws took no interest in her child and favoured a niece - read that one.
Families are never perfect!

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay yeah you're very right, no one is ever perfect. I certainly am not.

I think as my husband is the oldest and there's a big age gap, all the attention is on us. Wedding and now baby has all been a big deal. The others are younger and I'm sure once they have kids, things will really change. But that's a while off.

@CoffeeBeansGalore that's so disrespectful, to even slightly imply that is outrageous. No my child definitely looks like him -and don't I hear a lot about it.. haha. I wonder if we ever have a second and that one looks like me, what it will be like.

I understand it's annoying, OP, just it's causing you unhappiness/winding you up. If you can't ignore then perhaps:

1. a lovely photo of you holding DC with DH behind you, framed and given with a suggestion how lovely it would look in that room. And ask overtime you visit.
2. If MIL and FIL have a talent (you mentioned they've appropriated music so if FIL was a mechanic for example) then every time DC puts two things together then that's down to your DM or DF even if their day job has no relation to the talent. If MIL is a painter then you can't wait for DC to paint like your DM, even if your DM has only painted walls. If you can live with the friction and your DH isn't willing to front them up, you might find it easier to cope with if you take some control this way.

Good luck.

I wouldn't like this either, OP. Your MIL sounds disrespectful and rude quite apart from how she is around your DS. I think maybe you should consider not subjecting yourself to seeing her so often; your DH could take him, which will have the added benefit of giving you some time to yourself.

I'd have been tempted to the following when MIL says 'my relatives are old looking', reply - 'Funny, DH/my friend said the same about you when compared with my DM'. It's odd how those who casually give most offence are usually the ones who take offence most easily and every one has to treat them with kid gloves.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I firmly believe when you get married and have children you make your own family and start your own traditions. The dictionary definition of a tradition is a set of customs or beliefs which is handed down from generation to generation. So for you to start your own traditions only works if you propose to hand them down the generations, ie behave exactly like your MIL.

I think the problem is you just don't like your ILs and are looking for evidence of unacceptable behaviour to back up your dislike. Of course there is some - no-one behaves perfectly all the time - but some of what you described is them trying to integrate you into their family eg by telling you family stories and passing on family traditions. Just accept that you don't share the same family beliefs that they do, you don't like them as people, and that anything they say has the capacity to annoy you if you're looking for reasons to be annoyed.

Remember your children will grow up and have partners who come from different families and may not share your beliefs. You'll be a MIL yourself, and your DIL will be consigning to the bin that treasured item which is part of "your own little family's tradition".

Traditioms are not tangible items to be passed down. When our children grow up and get married and create their own families and their own traditions for their family. That is what is suppose to happen

@Zilla1 very good points. I especially like the suggesting they should put it in the family room part... that's the kind of thing they would do to me and if I reacted and asked if they're trying to say something else by that, they'd tell me it's all in my head..so I should hit them back with the same approach. I mean I can let it go that they have no pics of us in their family room, but I gave so many to them and they're all hidden away where no one can see them. The pics in family room are ancient and of their deceased dogs etc. Like come on !

And I'd ask every time (not overtime) if it's not in that room or reiterate you think it would look best in that room, just to shape the tone of every visit, that you're not going to take any rubbish from them.

@Leaannb I agree with you, that's how I see it too- no matter what the dictionary says. I think you can take each family of origins traditions too, but you choose which ones you take on and no one else should have a say. So for me it's a mix of my family traditions, his family traditions and any new traditions which we choose. Like in my family no one made a big deal of the Santa thing and we knew quite quickly it was all BS. Same for husband's family.. so we've both decided we would really like it to be special for our children for example. Really magical. Food wise we will incorporate each other's family Christmas food for sure. We probably won't change it up that much as these traditions are quite ingrained in our culture etc. So as I said it's a mixture really for me. And I'm happy to hear all about their traditions, but within limits and not pushed to do the same things too. I don't like that.

My MIL was just the same. Everything about DS, her first grandchild, he must have got from her family. It used to drive me nuts, and I'd privately get quite upset about it sometimes.

I did have the last laugh though, as DS has grown up to be a male version of me and doesn't resemble DH at all

Lol maybe we should swap mild.

The first thing my mil said after walking in and taking a first look at dd was "oh, well she doesn't look anything like our family. Hopefully the next one will."

@CatbearAmo that's absolutely brilliant...

@DramaAlpaca yeah it's not easy. It's a strange feeling and it does upset me too. Maybe it's a motherly instinct. You feel like they're taking away your bond with your child. Or for me it's maybe even deeper than that. Like I have to share her with them anyway as she's related to them, but she's my child. I carried him, I got fat, I have the scars and I get up in the night for him. And now all of his qualities are nothing to do with me ? I suppose MIL thinks, she carried my husband etc etc too.

I mean this nicely but I think you need to let a lot of this go. Often we can't choose our in laws and the only thing we have in common with them is our partner (and later on, our children/ their grandchildren). They clearly adore your DS and a lot of what is irritating you comes from a place of love for him and your DH. I can understand you feeling a little excluded (I get that feeling too at my in laws sometimes) but you need to be a bit more pragmatic about it. Let your DH and in laws take the little one out for a muddy walk while you have a hot bath or an hour or so to yourself. Later on when he's older, you will be so grateful if they're around for babysitting duties or to give you the odd weekend off. I think you need to decide how much you can tolerate seeing them (2-3 times a week sounds a bit much to me) and then, so long as you trust your DH and them with your DS's safety, give them freedom to "grandparent" how they please during that time, however irritating you find it.

😂 My inlaws are the same. He's the spitting image of his dad, etc so i just turn around and comment oh everyone thinks he and his cousin are twins. His love of reading from his dad who doesn't read, well I've already given him the books collections i loved as a child and he really enjoys them. Its sometimes just a case of having an answer. Ds is alot like his dad in personality but its the thought of being considered a human incubator which winds me up. My favourite occasion was when ds picked up an old photo of me at the same age and asked if it was him, their faces were a show

@MessAllOver I mean what your suggesting is the best option. In one ear and out of the other. And that's what I try to do all the time honestly. But I just crack eventually unfortunately. I wish I could just take it on the chin with a big smile. Like my dad says- kill them with kindness. Maybe one day ! I know all the rational reasons for it but I find it hard to talk myself out of how I feel inside. It must just hit a deep spit somewhere for me. Therapy the only option here hahah. Ideally I could just coexist and see the fun in it.

@MessAllOver to be fair I haven't cracked over this yet. So I'm doing ok. I only cracked when MIL implied I was being unhygienic with my baby. She also told me I was holding him wrong/ to support his head and not to let him sleep on me. ( In front of everyone ). She kept making comments I brushed off and I eventually told her to please hold back a bit. Which ended in a huge fight. I just don't want this to be another thing I snap over. No matter what, I always end up looking and as she never ever takes responsibility and everyone backs her.