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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws / MIL especially

167 replies

lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 10:41

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

OP posts:
GettingUntrapped · 06/12/2020 16:22

OP, you aren't going to change them. Rise above it and crack on. Easier said than done I know.

MessAllOver · 06/12/2020 16:26

@lampshade50. Hmm, they do sound annoying. It's the frequent visits, isn't it? And the constant interference. As he gets older, I would simply send your DH with him for at least some of the visits and stay home and have some "you" time. There's a limit to what you can be expected to tolerate without snapping and committing mass murder.

Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 16:32

@MessAllOver hahah I don't think it will go that far and but I wish I could keep my cool. Every time I've ever said something and asked nicely for her to not comment, the whole family comes out as her defence lawyers. Hahahah it's ridiculous and makes me resent them, when actually I like them.

OP posts:
IsFinnRogersDead · 06/12/2020 16:32

It was my mother that did this - she seemed to think my DS was the reincarnation of my brother. Which firstly didn't impress my brother at all Grin but also wasn't true. MIL gave us a photo of DH and his brothers as babies (less than a year between them) and DS at the time looked like each of them all at the same time, it was so odd as they are all very different. And, also not at all like my brother. I just referred her to that photo each time and she soon gave up.

Your MIL hasn't had that 'cleaving' moment where she gets that you and your DH are a separate unit from her and your DS is part of that primary unit, not hers.

Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 16:33

@GettingUntrapped if it was easy, there would be a lot less conflict in the world!

OP posts:
Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 16:34

@IsFinnRogersDead

'Your MIL hasn't had that 'cleaving' moment where she gets that you and your DH are a separate unit from her and your DS is part of that primary unit, not hers.'

Yes ! This is how I feel. How do I get her to understand this ! We are not her children ( my child and I ).

OP posts:
Leaannb · 06/12/2020 16:46

[quote lampshade50]@IsFinnRogersDead

'Your MIL hasn't had that 'cleaving' moment where she gets that you and your DH are a separate unit from her and your DS is part of that primary unit, not hers.'

Yes ! This is how I feel. How do I get her to understand this ! We are not her children ( my child and I ). [/quote]
You don't. It jas to come from your husband. I would definitely stop going to their house on your day off though

Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 17:00

@Leaannb she tried again to make me go today. Not going !

OP posts:
Coffeeandcocopops · 06/12/2020 17:12

Bloody ILs. LTB.

Leaannb · 06/12/2020 17:28

[quote lampshade50]@Leaannb she tried again to make me go today. Not going ! [/quote]
Thankfully you said no. Keep it up. Only go when its convient for you and your baby

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 06/12/2020 18:12

@lampshade50 - I just thought the stark contrast between your post of feeling smothered, and the other one where she felt her son (&family) was being ignored was interesting. Can't remember the name of the thread, but def worth a look

saraclara · 06/12/2020 18:16

[quote lampshade50]@saraclara I would like to think I will be different and I'll try to remember when it's my turn hopefully one day. That's all you can do. [/quote]
To be fair, Mumsnet has helped me be a better GM than I might have been. My DD is quite a lot more relaxed than some posters here, thank goodness, but all the same, reading about the things that wind new mums up has helped me to get it right (most of the time), I think.

Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 18:23

@saraclara do you think that mums now are more easily annoyed and offended ? I've had this conversation with my mum and with my in laws before and they think that's the case. Could it be because we (very broadly speaking) go into motherhood a little later ? Just asking the question. I had my first baby ( this one in question ) at 34 whereas my mum and MIL had theirs at 22 or something around that age.

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 06/12/2020 18:40

I would def agree with the posters that said to let your husband go along alone when the baby is older, this would annoy me too whether it’s well intentioned or not it’s still a pain so I’d avoid as much as I could!!!!

Leaannb · 06/12/2020 18:52

[quote lampshade50]@saraclara do you think that mums now are more easily annoyed and offended ? I've had this conversation with my mum and with my in laws before and they think that's the case. Could it be because we (very broadly speaking) go into motherhood a little later ? Just asking the question. I had my first baby ( this one in question ) at 34 whereas my mum and MIL had theirs at 22 or something around that age. [/quote]
No. Moms now are just more likely not to put up with the crap their moms and Mils did. Even young mom's don't put up with the crap. Many grandparents believe that since they did all this stuff for their parents and in laws its time for their Adult Children to. We went and visited every weekend so now you must. I bought my in laws presents and arranged visits so now its your turn. We spent every holiday traveling and visiting everyone so now its your turn. They couldn't say no and they now find it offensive that today's parents do say no. The opposite can be said as well.
Too many adult children say that their parents were provided money and free childcare by the grandparents and feel like its their due to receive the same....For instance my DIl is highly offended that I don't babysit or pay for childcare. She feels that its my responsibility as a grandparent to provide these things. I disagree with that. I don't pay for childcare for my own small child. Why would I pay for hers? She actually threw it in my face that my parents babysat and gave us money.and was gobsmacked when my son (her husband) told her that my children jave never been babysat by a grandparent nor have we received money from them. That in fact him and his sibilings have never spent the night in thier under their grandparents roof...She still isn't speaking to me

saraclara · 06/12/2020 19:00

[quote lampshade50]@saraclara do you think that mums now are more easily annoyed and offended ? I've had this conversation with my mum and with my in laws before and they think that's the case. Could it be because we (very broadly speaking) go into motherhood a little later ? Just asking the question. I had my first baby ( this one in question ) at 34 whereas my mum and MIL had theirs at 22 or something around that age. [/quote]
I don't know, to be honest. I had my own babies late by mid-late 1980s norms. (at 31 and 32 I was the oldest in my antenatal groups)

But both sets of grandparents lived a distance away, so they didn't really get much chance to interfere or irritate us anyway.

And of course my main source of opinions from newish parents is Mumsnet! And I really don't know how typical it is. Certainly none of my daughter's newish parent friends did any of the things that seem almost normal here (like not letting grandparents meet the baby for several weeks - even months!).

Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 19:28

@Leaannb ah yeah this is interesting. Some people really do think baby sitting and money are things grandparents owe their grandchildren. I don't think that's the case and it all depends on what the grandparent wants to do and what the parents are comfortable with. Personally I don't feel super comfortable accepting anything from anyone as it always comes at a cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
lampshade50 · 06/12/2020 20:08

@saraclara ah ok, that was definitely considered late during the 80s. Probably the parents being further away helped. But I also think there's another thing I've noticed when talking to my MIL and Mum, that their mother in laws didn't really want to get involved that much anyway with the children. They'd expect to be visited but they wouldn't actually help out at all, but just be visited kind of thing. Whereas definitely my mum and MIL want to be really hands on, rather than just visiting and having a tea and giving grandchildren some chocolates kind of thing.

Regarding the visiting after having babies, I've noticed that on MN too. And before having a baby I thought it was really odd. But now I've been through it, my in laws came 6 times during the first 10 days of life. Including at the hospital. Everyone saw my boobs and my struggles to feed my child. My hormones were all over the place and I couldn't stop crying because I was finding it difficult to breastfeed. I wasn't great company and people took it personally. ( in laws ). It again reflects badly on me. So I wish I would have said from the beginning no visitors for a couple of weeks. That was just my experience and now I understand. This doesn't happen for everyone though of course. But I know what you mean that it does seem a bit hostile to say no visitors for a couple of months haha

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/12/2020 20:41

It is very normal.
I am left-handed. My two daughters are right-handed.
Their children are both left-handed.
They obviously inherited this trait from me!
My daughters are both adopted.

Bluetrews25 · 06/12/2020 21:03

Did you go and visit your ILs every week by yourself before you had DC? (And before you were on mat leave). Thought not.
So why are you doing it now?
Such a shame you are far too busy with Xmas prep to go round at the moment.

hansgrueber · 06/12/2020 21:29

Oh, and I searched ebay for a particular Fisher-Price toy that my daughter loved, to have for my GD to play with here

We kept all the FP stuff, and we had loads, some not available in the UK. To see the grandchildren playing with it gave us more pleasure than when our children played with it when they visited! Luckily our daughters never turned their noses up at 40 year old toys.

hansgrueber · 06/12/2020 21:32

@GeorgiaGirl52

It is very normal. I am left-handed. My two daughters are right-handed. Their children are both left-handed. They obviously inherited this trait from me! My daughters are both adopted.
We once knew a family in which the son was the image of the father, everyone commented on it, not just looks but some mannerisms and temperament. It used to come as a surprise to learn that he was a child the mother had as a teenager, long before she ever met her future husband,
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 06/12/2020 21:37

Well why not interject and say 'yes my mum and brother have curly hair!' etc. I can see why you would be annoyed l had similar with ex H and DS family when he was little. I swear they did it to make me feel uncomfortable and unimportant.

justilou1 · 06/12/2020 23:07

I would have deliberately “misunderstood” and left with baby.

Coffeeandcocopops · 06/12/2020 23:45

It’s just what people say when looking at babies.

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