In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

Look how much of your time and energy you’re expending on these people, even just on this thread, why? You’ll never get those hours back. This is solely your husbands issue. He can deal with his relatives, he can take his kid to see them, it’s not your business, just opt out, you’re choosing to participate in this and there’s no need.

Twice a week is far too often to see in-laws or anybody, really. And your days off are for you. Let them get funny, what do you care?
But you are rather over-reacting. If you weren't over-exposed to them, this wouldn't bother you so much, if at all.

[quote lampshade50]@saraclara ah ok, that was definitely considered late during the 80s. Probably the parents being further away helped. But I also think there's another thing I've noticed when talking to my MIL and Mum, that their mother in laws didn't really want to get involved that much anyway with the children. They'd expect to be visited but they wouldn't actually help out at all, but just be visited kind of thing. Whereas definitely my mum and MIL want to be really hands on, rather than just visiting and having a tea and giving grandchildren some chocolates kind of thing.

Regarding the visiting after having babies, I've noticed that on MN too. And before having a baby I thought it was really odd. But now I've been through it, my in laws came 6 times during the first 10 days of life. Including at the hospital. Everyone saw my boobs and my struggles to feed my child. My hormones were all over the place and I couldn't stop crying because I was finding it difficult to breastfeed. I wasn't great company and people took it personally. ( in laws ). It again reflects badly on me. So I wish I would have said from the beginning no visitors for a couple of weeks. That was just my experience and now I understand. This doesn't happen for everyone though of course. But I know what you mean that it does seem a bit hostile to say no visitors for a couple of months haha [/quote]
It happens a lot and it definitely causes problems. So much resentment builds up. You did nothing wrong they were the ones being rude by intruding so much. Its definitely ok to say no and set boundaries

Look up enmeshment. I think you need some space. Faaaaaaaar too much time spent with these soul-suckers.

Oh @lampshade50 I know how you feel. When I had ds my SIL got a card made for us. It said " congratulations on the birth of MY NEPHEW"
Well done me for giving birth to HER nephew. Not my baby. God no. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with me

My ils do this too. When I had my first it used to drive me insane but it doesn't bother me nearly as much now. I think they just do it as a way to feel close to the kid.

I was constantly upsetting my mil.
Eg DS finally grew some hair
MIL ( high pitched scream) You’ve parted it on the wrong side!!
Me What?
MIL (as above)
Me Sorry it seems to sweep that way
MIL Nooooooo! It’s the girls way!
Me (combs Ds hair the other way)
MIL Noooooo!
Me What?
MIL The table! The knives! There are crossed knives on the table!
Me (straightens cutlery)
MIL Arrrrggghhhh!
Me What?
MIL THERES A SPIDER ON THE CURTAIN
Me (puts spider in garden)
MIL AAARGGGGH YOU TOUCHED IT.
And so on...

@mySILisawful

Oh *@lampshade50* I know how you feel. When I had ds my SIL got a card made for us. It said " congratulations on the birth of MY NEPHEW" Well done me for giving birth to HER nephew. Not my baby. God no. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with me

I don't see anything wrong with that. It's meant to be humorous for goodness' sake! And it also recognises that your baby is welcomed into the family.

I find it weird that mothers can be so insecure about this sort of thing. Everyone knows it's YOUR baby. No-one can take it from you and no-one wants to! The more family that a child has, the better, and those welcoming it into the family are doing just that. They're not trying to steal or appropriate your baby, FFS!

I find it weird that mothers can be so insecure about this sort of thing. Everyone knows it's YOUR baby. No-one can take it from you and no-one wants to! The more family that a child has, the better, and those welcoming it into the family are doing just that. They're not trying to steal or appropriate your baby, FFS!

For many mums it can seem like that, especially in the beginning where the majority of new mums want their babies as close as possible which is natural in most cases and people especially family member can/do ignore when mothers ask for their babies back or ignore the mother’s contributions and feelings entirely. You read it here all the time. Grandparents who expect overnights when the baby is weeks old but ignore the mother is bf, want to give them formula so they can have the baby whenever they desire or needing to have the baby alone because that somehow makes it easier to bond with the mother not there. It also depends on the relationships before the babies were born so I wouldn’t just chalk it up to insecurity.

No. Moms now are just more likely not to put up with the crap their moms and Mils did. Even young mom's don't put up with the crap. Many grandparents believe that since they did all this stuff for their parents and in laws its time for their Adult Children to.

I agree with this and more is known and talked about with pregnancy and motherhood than it was in the past.

Really? In this case I think it’s been made very clear that @lampshade50 is merely a walking womb....

I could've written this!! That's exactly what my mil does!! All my children that were born, straight away in the hospital, she would be like it looks like dh, or dh siblings, same nose, same eyes, same face, same smile, same chin, same fingers, same nails, same legs, etc I kid you not! She would name pretty much name every atom weights and compare to her children! Nothing of my family or myself!! It's funny they took claim to them being exactly like them, yet now they all look like me, pretty little things!
It was so enraging to hear, especially after hours of painful labour!
Even now if dh mentions the kids did this, or good at that, her response would be yes that's exactly how you were, no actually!

I forgot to add. It annoyed me so much. That I then started to speak up, so before she can get a chance to say something I would say, baby looks like my sister now or that's what my brother looked like as a baby. He does the same thing I did when younger. It met with complete silence from her though, she would act like she didn't hear it. Then come out with just like it's dad

@ruby4ever it's super irritating. I feel for you. A bit of that is normal and perfectly fine, but constantly doing it with everything - even ' oh look he has eczema like his auntie '... or ' his uncle had this, so you need to be careful ' - as if my child is a sibling to her children... so so so so so annoying. I hope I don't do it when I'm a grandma and just shut my face and say the baby is cute and leave it at that !

Also someone posted on turning ones nose up at 40 year old toys. Just to say that's not what I do in any way and I think it's sweet. Just don't remind me every time my child plays with those toys or uses that towel. That's annoying. It's more of everything put together that's annoying, rather than one single thing, of that makes sense. All of it together says to me that this is her 4th child to her and she doesn't see the disconnect. Also trying to make us follow every tradition etc. It's not one thing in isolation. It's sweet that my child plays with the toys and I'm not snooty about that.

PILs house is ONLY pics of the children when babies, no present day pics. Not one pic of our wedding, nothing.

I think ideal Christmas presents for your ILs would be some lovely framed family photos of the three of you together! Maybe one of those frames that you put multiple pictures in so one can be of you and DH from the wedding and others with baby.

@Butterymuffin haha last year we gave all the wedding pics in frames and they're all in the room where no one really goes.. so this year I will do as you say and suggest that they would look great in the room with all the old baby pics. I mean, is that just me or is it strange to have only baby pics of your children in the main room ? Like when you're watching TV all you see is them as babies. It's right next to the TV hahahah. A perfect reminder to point out how much son looks like all of the kids, each time we go there and are watching TV. Really funny. My parents have a mix.

That sounds draining OP and you do have my sympathies. My own in-laws behaviour has been very similar. In addition to the constant commentary about our child's genetic inheritance (purely paternal of course) they insist on ignoring my portion of DC's double-barrelled surname and addressing me by my husband's family name rather than mine. When we eloped they took it as a personal affront: a deliberate slight against them rather than the wedding we actually wanted. They were the only people who were not happy for us.

The real issue of course is that they are incapable of looking beyond their own terms of reference. They are the centre of their universe and find it impossible to compute that they're not the centre of everyone else's universe too. Hence everything to do with your child is all about them, any decision you make which excludes them (or in my in-laws case falls short of conservative orthodoxy and social expectation) is taken as a personal affront.

If you think about it that way you might find yourself less bothered by it. It's impossible to maintain anger with people you really feel a little sorry for. To be quite so myopic and self-involved must be quite a restrictive way to live and I'd never want that kind of insular family dynamic for myself.

Failing that, if you really find their behaviour intolerably wearing I'd restrict my exposure to them, step back, and let your husband manage the relationship between your child and his family for the time being.

I had this initially too. I found it very irritating and just tried my hardest to ignore it because I think some people just genuinely forget how to be tactful when they are excited. Once, someone on the paternal side of the family even said that my son is "the reason they get up in the morning" needless to say I found this infuriating and totally over the top.

@ttigerlilly wow that's extreme isn't it. That's totally over the top. Although I'm sure there are many who think this would be so sweet and that you should be grateful. It's not that you're not grateful, I just think it's an inappropriate thing to say to grand child or nephew etc. That's reserved only for the parents and anyone who feels that strongly about someone who's not their child or significant other has boundary issues. As I'm typing this I feel evil that I think this way. I'm conflicted. But it's almost like we don't want them to love our children THAT much, because that's our job? Or what is it?

@MarieIVanArkleStinks wow I think that's very insightful. I think that's often the case that people who think very highly of themselves just can't understand how anyone could choose not to live their life exactly the way they do. That's definitely true for my in laws. They really think they're the centre of the universe and my child belongs only to them and needs to do and be like their children.

@lampshade50 I don't think it's evil at all - you have said how I feel exactly, it's as if I could have written your post. I absolutely feel that a statement like that should be reserved for parents - it also feels like the individual was placing their happiness on someone else's child.
This particular person has completely stomped on my boundaries a number of times since my son was born, but then I do wonder whether I perhaps haven't been clear enough when I set my boundaries. It's really hard when you've just had your first baby, you're torn between doing what makes you comfortable and trying to appease people.

I think in my case I just don't like it when someone blurs the line between "mother" and their own title.

@lampshade50 I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hijack your post it's just something I feel so strongly about and after reading about your situation it set me off

God my MIL was like this, everything was referred back to her side of the family. DS’ mouth, nose, feet! and smile were all pronounced to be from her relatives. She even declared in front of me when I had just given birth that my DS “is a [husband’s surname] through and through”.

The funniest one was when her friend commented on DS’ big blue eyes. MIL looked extremely sour and said she had no idea where they came from, even though I and all my family have blue eyes.

@ttigerlilly no you have got hijacked at all. It helps to talk through these things and I love analysing why I feel a certain way or why others do and where it comes from.. It's not easy as I never thought I would have feelings like this. It only started to dawn on me at the end of my pregnancy when my MIL suggested I leave the baby with her while I go away for the weekend to a wedding quite soon after he was born. That freaked me out. Or when she started planning a nursery in her home. That's when these feelings started.

@lampshade50 ahhh I've seen a fair few posts on various forums about MILs starting a nursery in their homes! Where do they get this idea from?! I'm sorry this happened to you, that would seriously have freaked me out. It's the sense of entitlement that they assume they will have the baby on their own without even discussing it with the parents first.

I also don't understand family think they can have the baby on their own so soon after they are born.. a member of mine asked if she could take baby for a walk when baby was a couple of weeks old. I know she only wanted to take him for an hour or so but I was in no way ready to be apart from him so soon!!

All these things are just going to help us be the most considerate in laws one day