In laws / MIL especially

[lampshade50]

Hi everyone,

My MIL really annoys me and so does the whole in law family at the moment. My baby boy is almost a year old and I feel like he gets treated like the 4th child of MIL's family.

It's always- oh he's like this because of his uncle and he's like that because of his dad. Or, his auntie will teach him this and his grandpa will teach him that.

I feel like I and my family never get any credit for anything. For example he has curly hair, I have wavy hair and my mum and brother have extremely curly hair. His paternal aunt has wavy hair too. So of course he gets his hair from his aunt, right ? Another one- he seems musical so of course he gets that from his aunt and grandpa. Not from his mum right ? His mum who plays guitar and sings and his paternal uncle who is extremely gifted musically and his maternal grandmother who plays several instruments. No of course he gets it from his dads side...

I even started playing my instrument of choice the other day and rather than saying how nice it is that I can pass that on to him. I was met with- oh grandpa can teach him how to play.

It's like everything is always referred back to them, as if he is their child and only belongs to them. My family don't ever do this but rather refer things back to my husband and I. I duno it just really grinds on me. Is this normal ?

I know they don't do it on purpose but it's like I get no respect or mention and I bloody made him ???

I feel your pain OP.

My DS is strawberry blonde. My Dad is strawberry blonde. Everyone in my in-laws family that I've met have dark brown hair. But apparently, MIL's aunt was strawberry blonde so that is where it must come from.

DS is an avid reader. DH grew up playing Nintendo. I grew up in a world of books. Obviously DS gets his love of reading from MIL's family. And his intelligence apparently. Not from his degree educated mother. It's all from them.

My MIL definitely saw me as a walking womb. When DS was born she already had two other male grandchildren and literally the very first thing she said to me when she first saw me after giving birth was not "hello" or "congratulations" it was "when are you giving me a granddaughter."

We live 480 miles away now. It's pure bliss.

@ttigerlily My MIL was annoyed that I wouldn't ler her take my daughter to Asda to show off to her work colleagues when she was only a couple weeks old. She was premature and I really didn't feel comfortable with this. She basically called me a clingy mother which I'm really not.

@MeowMeowLikeACow Omg what a cheek. You're not "giving" her anything. That would REALLY piss me off.

I could've written this and it's so rude and annoying, literally drives me mad.
My son is very academically able and apparently it's from by BIL who hasn't shown any evidence of this, MIL conveniently forgets that half my family are lawyers with Oxford/Cambridge degrees. My son has curly hair, apparently that comes from my BIL too, again my mother is mixed race with Afro hair🙄 My son's hair is red, she's said more than once that, 'We never did find out where that red hair is from!' I've told her several times that my paternal grandmother was a red head.
The woman is insufferable, I feel your pain!

Sounds like you need to put a bit of distance between your family unit and their family unit. They clearly need reminding that you're the babies parent not them. It's quite rude really of them to completely disregard you and your side.

Are you all sure that your own mums don’t do the same just that it doesn’t irritate you as much? I really cannot believe MILs are so evil. I’m sure mums of daughters say ‘ ah isn’t baby so pretty just like you were when younger” etc etc. Honestly I’m starting to think it’s better if I just leave my sons to it and not get involved in their lives at all. But then you will start moaning saying MIL doesn’t take any interest in our kids but sorted all her time with her daughters kids.

Take a step back and just listen to yourselves.

@Coffeeandcocopops I totally understand what you mean! From my own experience my mum just doesn't do it. To none of her grandkids. She does other very very annoying things, like insisting we do things how she thinks is right in terms of food / clothing the children etc. But the difference is, you can tell your own mum to stop. That's what I do, even on my sister in laws behalf. My sis in law barely ever has to even say anything because my brother tells my mum to get lost if she crosses the line and actually so do I. My mum gets it and stays out of it most of the time. I can see how this thread can give you the impression to just stay out of your sons business- don't based on this. Just if you do accidentally upset anyone, say sorry and don't invalidate them. That's what happens to me. Likewise if I hurt someone I apologise, even if I really didn't mean it. I'm always sorry for upsetting someone and I don't invalidate their feelings. When I tell my in laws they've upset me and they get upset about me saying that, I always apologise for upsetting them by getting upset. But they never do.

@Coffeeandcocopops also no one is saying they're evil. I don't think they really fully intentionally do it half of the time ( of course there are exceptions ). They just do their best and so do we. I try really really hard not to get upset and to look past it, to see it a different way. I try every day because I want a good relationship for my family and my baby. But sometimes you just vent! When they've said for the hundredths time that you're baby is just like one of their own children and when you just feel completely cast aside. Like you just don't matter.

@Coffeeandcocopops excuse the spelling mistakes and bad grammar. I wrote very fast on my phone. Just do your best and do what you think. Some mums are different to us and just don't see things like this. If you do have a daughter in law who seems upset, talk to her and take note and don't make her feel like she's crazy. I think that's what happened with me. Too often did I bring things up for which I was made to believe that I'm crazy for being upset about. Now I just resent them so much that they can't do anything right. Had they ever just apologised and not made me feel like a freak for being upset, it might have turned out differently. You get upset the first time ( MIL- your bum is getting so big while pregnant ) you then respond and say- please don't say that, it upsets me- I'm sensitive about my body. Rather than apologise, you're told you're ' too sensitive ' ' what's the problem ' ' you're always upset about everything ' ' this is not a thing to be upset over ' etc etc..

I agree it is all about communication. It’s difficult as we are all different, we all bring up our kids differently and us mums of boys love them as much as mums of daughters love theIr daughters.

The MIl jokes and moans are probably just the same on dadsnet etc.

@saraclara thanks for your opinion but it definitely was not meant to be humorous and how you can make that assumption without knowing her is beyond me.

@Coffeeandcocopops yeah communication is key. I've been really looking within myself as to why it can be upsetting when in laws disregard the presence of your genes in your baby and treat them like it's their baby. I think at the deepest level, when you have a child ( and this is a bit messed up ) you're passing on your genes, making in a sense a little ' mini me ', in some ways. Or expressed better, the child is a part of you. The child is the closest relative you'll ever have except your own parents. They'll be the closet to you when you've lost your parents. It's unsurprising that you want to see something of yourself and your traits perhaps in that child and that you want to feel connected and have a sense of belonging to that child. I suppose when you as a mother feel like grandmas or anyone else for that matter, are somehow threatening that or trying to imply they have that same closeness with your child - it provokes very primal feelings in some of us.

Oh my God, my SIL was exactly like this and it drove me mad, you’d think my biology was completely bypassed. (MIL deceased and SIL a lot older than DH so she definitely took on the MIL mantle) Thankfully her children provided her with Grandchildren and she pretty much ignores us now as it’s all about ‘her’ boys!

Well I have been where you are, however mine was all lovely when it was nice things, however I would you suggest you wait until your baby isnt perfect. Thats when your family will be brought in. when my DS was ill as a baby with allergies the inlaws rather than being concerned looked to asign blame which was firmly placed at my side of the family, skin issues were mine too and anything else that wasnt there idea of good. I did laugh when I reminded them that both there DS had allergies and skin issues and my family didnt. I wouldnt let them away with it as they may be excited but there being rude. So when they start I would remind them that your DC is shared and has shared traits

I think the older they get family members in this case in-laws, go back to their children's childhood, and decades later are still relating incidents to all and sundry- often almost deliberately embarrassing- they just don't see it.
Probably the only way to get away from this very irritating behaviour is to be fairly brusque, and in addition just see less of the MIL.
Her life may not have enough in it, but don't let her live through your child.

I think you’re getting too introspective @lampshade50 - if these were colleagues who talked incessantly about the time before you joined the team like it was the glory days, and ignored your contributions, ascribing your talents to others, they would be unbearable.

I’d step back if I were you. Why spend any time there without your partner if you don’t enjoy it? They can’t have it both ways. If they want you to be part of the family to the extent that you drop in on your day off, without your partner, then they need to make you welcome. Either you are part of the family and fully embraced, or they are on their best behaviour as you are the guest.

Either they want your company, and make you feel that’s the case, or they want to see your child, and they are grateful that you have facilitated this. What circumstances would have to be in place for your partner to be expected to facilitate a relationship with your children and your parents?

It’s natural to question yourself when people don’t accept your feelings. But you’ve really not said anything controversial - a pregnant woman doesn’t want negative comments about her changing body, a new mother doesn’t want criticism during an overwhelming new experience when she’s fucking knackered. If you make yourself vulnerable and say ‘I was hurt’ then it’s wrong to tell you you’re wrong to feel that. They should say sorry and be more understanding.

It sounds really hard work, and I would say just step back and let your partner manage the relationship. If your child can’t be away from you for long because they’re very young, then he will have to work within those constraints.

I would definitely stop going around so much... get your own life. Join a baby play group thing instead. Meet some other mothers. (Bound to be others with nightmare MILs.)

@Ivy455 that's unbelievable, I can't believe she called you a clingy mother because of you (rightly so!) weren't comfortable with that!

Were these women separated from their babies at 2 weeks old?! I seriously doubt it...

I'm so grateful for this community sometimes