AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

[UsernameA1B2]

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

@Ideasplease322 exactly! It’s a business after all.

It’s like me owning a restaurant then expecting or asking family to help me out with the washing up, going to suppliers, opening up etc. Instead of paying for staff because it’s a business!!! MIL kept the deposit and rightly so if the property was left in a state. She can now hire cleaners

I think the way she phrased it was very rude.

"I think you should consider offering...."

basically means "I think you should"

I think it was reasonable of her to start a discussion about it and see if you are free/ able to help but she could have requested it nicely rather than trying to guilt you into it. It doesn't have to be a comparison of your situations/ who is worse off either! I think there are some old sibling rivalry undercurrants coming up there.

On a side note, just because a proffessional cleaner is affordable doesn't always mean that people are comfortable with it. My parents would do everything they could to get someone they know in their house before employing a professional cleaner, I wouldn't care but they are just like that.

@sortmylifeoutplease

Going against the grain here, but I don't think she's a CF, just someone trying to help her parents in a safe way.

agreed...if my parent needed help I would expect both siblings to pitch in. I don't know what SIL is like, but she is right about risks. Also, the fact she does not have children is a little unkind of you to note.

@wildraisins

I think the way she phrased it was very rude.

"I think you should consider offering...."

basically means "I think you should"

I think it was reasonable of her to start a discussion about it and see if you are free/ able to help but she could have requested it nicely rather than trying to guilt you into it. It doesn't have to be a comparison of your situations/ who is worse off either! I think there are some old sibling rivalry undercurrants coming up there.

On a side note, just because a proffessional cleaner is affordable doesn't always mean that people are comfortable with it. My parents would do everything they could to get someone they know in their house before employing a professional cleaner, I wouldn't care but they are just like that.

On your last paragraph:

I agree with this, but to me it represents self-centredness in the guise of frugality. It’s saying that money is more valuable to them than other people’s time, when the latter is often an even more scarce commodity.

Feel very strongly about this as DH has given his parents money for similar things before (which they haven’t spent) and then toiled away in cleaning while complaining to him about aching joints etc. Same with ordering a taxi to the hospital; or any other ‘unnecessary’ spends which would they would rather avoid by inconveniencing others for free. Their difficulty with outsourcing shouldn’t become someone else’s problem.

I bet you'd be a bit more enthusiastic about helping OP if your MIL pegged it and the house was coming your way?

Totally unreasonable. I don't think you and your DH should be catching buses and other public transport during the pandemic to go and do a cleaning job 60 miles away for someone who has enough money to hire professionals. And I think the SIL trying to palm it off on you is a CF for effectively voluntelling you, by saying that you should offer to do this.

SiL seems to have decided that MIL is very vulnerable and incapable of managing her own properties which is strange. Obviously she may be poorly with shingles and caring responsibilities but I don't think its for DH and SIL to be shelling out for cleaners or doing the job themselves when MIL has been benefiting from rental income. She can use some and the deposit to pay for appropriate repairs. If she is struggling generally because just has a lot on then fair enough to helping but there is lots that can be done without trying to get buses unnecessarily with a toddler. Nice how SIL is trying to dictate what you should all be doing for Xmas but not herself.

I also don’t see this as cheeky, it was a suggestion not a demand and he can go on his own. She has no idea about your mental illness. And she’s a teacher so arguably higher risk than your work from home husband.

However you clearly don’t like your sil , resent the suggestion hugely, and are sure you’re right, so I can’t understand why you asked on here. Just say no.

This is the type of message I’d sent my brother. I live closer to my parents and am expected to do everything, or he thinks they do it themselves. I don’t know.

I don’t see anything wrong in your sil asking her own brother to help out with his pen parents

*own

I think DH should reply 'we can go over together and get what we can done whilst bringing in some additional help of a cleaner and a gardener' I'll have to get a lift with you as public transport will take too long?

No point you and DC going too.

Not a cheeky text, sounds like she is implying DH doesn't do much for DPs and you said she doesn't. That's a shame.

just because a proffessional cleaner is affordable doesn't always mean that people are comfortable with it. My parents would do everything they could to get someone they know in their house before employing a professional cleaner, I wouldn't care but they are just like that.

Don't understand this at all. We'd do everything we could to avoid taking advantage of family and friends when we can afford to pay for help. My mother suggested coming and helping to paint some of our rooms that need redecorating when this is allowed. I'd much rather pay professionals, leave them painting and take her out for a nice lunch given we've only seen my parents a handful of times over the past eight months.

I don't think it's cheeky for her to ask your brother to help. Sounds like his mum is struggling with having been ill and caring for her own mother. Why does he need to be promoted anyway? Surely he should already be supporting his mum?
I also think she is right to contact him. Being a teacher is bloody hard at the moment. Really hard. I'm not sure people appreciate the circumstances we're working under. I'm averaging 11 hour days and am exhausted.
If my brother was WfH with a stay at home wife with one child, I'd be thinking why aren't they helping? SIL does not know you have OCD and if it really is so bad that it means you couldn't cope without your DH for a day or two, then you do need to seek help
I feel sorry for the mum and SIL in this scenario. Seems to me you've become very accustomed to your cosy set up (which is fair enough) and she has reminded you that there are others in your family who are not in quite such a cosy situation. Sounds like she's feeling rather frustrated by your DH's lack of support.

Many people like to avoid paying people for things , particularly for jobs they feel that they - or other members of the family should be doing for free.

Thankfully my DPs are still pretty self sufficient, but there was a big issue over them getting a taxi a few years ago for a 40 minute trip, which would have caused us a 3 hr detour.

In this case, it would be ridiculous for OPs DH to do a huge round trip on public transport to do a task that cleaning agencies are set up for. Would he be expected to bring all the cleaning stuff on his public transport journey as well ?

The DH could look up the numbers of a few local to DM cleaning agencies- maybe get a quote - and then let her know what's available and when they could do the job. In fact that would be a perfect passive aggressive response to the passive aggressive ask.

I can understand why you’d rather not bother but honestly it sounds as though you just don’t like your SIL. She isn’t being cheeky here and you’re looking for a reason to be mean about her. Maybe just leave it to your DH to decide what he’d like to do and if / when he’d like to help out.

@katienana

If your MIL owns 2 properties she can afford to pay her own cleaner. SIL probably just doesn't realise how busy and tiring it is having young kids. I wouldn't get too hot up about it just get your dh to say no and explain why.

That was exactly what I was thinking.

Grrr! Not your brother, should read her brother.
Also not promoted but prompted.
By helping, I don't necessarily mean your DH need go there but he needs to be more involved. I think it sounds like the SIL is doing all the mental supporting whilst your DH is safely tucked away at home.
I'm actually wondering if this is a reverse?

Haven't RTFT but if the house is that grim, use some of the deposit money to have it cleaned. Tenancy contracts I've seen require tenants to have the place professionally cleaned including carpets, curtains, oven etc.

@cabingirl

Sounds to me like she is getting pressure from MIL to help as she's single with no kids.

Get your DH to phone his mother and see how she is doing - and he can nudge her to pay for some help with the cleaning plus help caring for the grandma too.

That's exactly what I thought! The mother has a single daughter with no caring responsibilities who's just about to have a fortnight off work. If I was that mother, she's the one I would ask for help, not the family with a toddler who live a 3-hour journey away.

But I also agree that MIL should pay for professional cleaners etc. Renting out property is a business and it's a legitimate business expense, and LL's take deposits from tenants for precisely this sort of reason. She certainly shouldn't be doing cleaning etc while suffering from shingles, it made me feel awful the few times I had shingles attacks.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Personally l would be tempted to text her to suggest she texts her brother, rather than you. Are you his house keeper / cleaner / PA / slave etc?!

Sorry if already been answered as I haven’t got to end of thread yet, but I believe (from the OP) that the SIL did text her brother. It says “SIL sent dh this text”.

@LakieLady but why shouldn't the brother be involved in some way too? He doesn't exactly have a hard set up at home and she is his mother too!
I get the impression that the son is not really involved with his mum very much and that the sister is carrying all of the burden.
He doesn't physically have to go and help but he could take some interest.

How often do you support mil in other ways? Do you ring her? Send her gifts etc? By you, I mean your dh & you.

Maybe Sil feels that mil is being ignored by you & jumped on this to force some support?

3 hours? Your talking shite

I don't think it's shite. I just checked how long it would take me to get to MIL's, 40 miles away, by public transport (bus, train and tram) and it's 3 hours, all but a few minutes. Add an extra hour if the traffic's bad and the bus to the station is delayed by more than 6 minutes, as I'd miss the train and have to wait for the next one. Bus and train are hourly.

Which is why I drive there, which takes 60-90 minutes.

'I get the impression that the son is not really involved with his mum very much and that the sister is carrying all of the burden.'

I get the impression that Op wouldn't 'allow' him to be.

Your answer is this.
SIL mum kept the money from the house deposit to pay for a cleaner and I think that is what she should do.
Good to know your worried about mum.
See you soon.
Love DB.