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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
jessyjo2 · 05/12/2020 21:16

Maybe your MIL feels that as she is the daughter and lives closer then everything gets landed on her. Often sons leave all responsibilities to sisters which can cause friction. I think he should try to help out some way.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 05/12/2020 21:17

Whether or not your DH should help is something for him amd his sister to agree. For me, as a psychotherapist my ears pricked up over your comments around therapy. That’s the most important part of your post.

When clients tell me they are taking up space that someone else needs more it’s a clear signal they are actually desperate for help. IMO If they’ve made it as far as getting into the consulting room (either by self referral or because they’ve been referred by a GP) it’s because they need to be there. I’ve experienced this many times with clients and experienced it in my own therapy.

PancakesAndSyrup · 05/12/2020 21:22

I'd probably offer to help to be honest and have done similar to help my own mum. But if she's struggling to clean the place up and needs some help could she maybe hire someone to do it?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 21:24

Offer help,why? The mil who’s a landlord too has retained the deposit
Use the deposit for a deep clean - hire a company and get it done
No one needs to traipse anywhere when the solvent mil can and should pay a company

Circumlocutious · 05/12/2020 21:27

My ILs are the type to suggest something like this (and have done in the past). For the time and cost taken for us to travel there and back, we would have probably given them money to get professional cleaners in. But then they would probably pocket it and still done the cleaning themselves.

Circumlocutious · 05/12/2020 21:30

There are some things that’s it’s worth sacrificing time for, and giving a personal touch, eg parents recovering from an operation. This job is so easily outsourced to cleaners than there’s zero need for anyone to martyr themselves for it. 6 hours on travel alone.

Osirus · 05/12/2020 21:38

YABU, it’s not an unusual request.

As an aside, when the issues preventing you being able to learn to drive (whether they be money or health issues) no longer exist, one or either of you should look to learn to drive. It really does make these kind of situations so much easier to navigate.

On the other hand, it no longer gives you the excuse to get out of things, so maybe not.

UsernameChat · 05/12/2020 21:59

It doesn't sounds cheeky to me. She's simply asked you to consider helping MIL, as MIL has been ill and SIL doesn't want to potentially make things worse by giving her COVID (which, as a teacher, SIL feels she is at greater risk of catching than you or your DH). If you feel you can't do it, just send a polite message back (or better yet, call) saying you can't do it yourselves but suggest an alternative, like all chipping in to help MIL pay a professional to clean the house and garden?

KatieGGGG · 05/12/2020 22:09

You may find if she’s kept the entire deposit - which as PP have said means there’s been need for severe cleanup unless it’s about to be appealed - the mess is more than its worth in deposit.

I don’t see why your husband can’t go help clean up his mum’s house that’s fairly normal in families. You can stay at home with DC, if it takes 3 hrs to get there he spend a day there clean up, sleep, then spend another day there and come back that night.

I wouldn’t get roped in but I’m also a bit Hmm your husband is “shocked” at being asked. You don’t know SIL day in day out life to know what she does. Caring/cleaning generally falls to women.

I also think it’s a bit unkind you keep referring to her being child-free as the reason she’s being a CF. You’d feel fairly offended if she referred to you being a sahm as a reason you have free time (rightly so) it’s not fair to expect a teacher to therefore have unlimited time just by virtue of not having children.

It’s between the siblings what they do, but don’t enable him to opt-out. Put your feelings aside - your MIL is a grandparent looking after her own mum still it’s not unusual her son could maybe do something for her.

Dryshampooandcoffee · 05/12/2020 22:10

Sil is a CF to tell your DP. You are a CF because you expect her to do it! If your Mil needs help she needs to speak to both of her children to work out what options are safer/better for all those involved.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 22:11

No one needs to chip in the mil retained tenants deposit & she’s solvent

Meraas · 05/12/2020 22:13

it's the empty house that she is talking about cleaning. She could go when mil isn't there. They won't be moving into it until after Christmas.

So it’s high risk for her to go to an empty house and clean it?! Silly twat.

She should suggest they BOTH go and clean, not offer up DH.

Meraas · 05/12/2020 22:14

You are a CF because you expect her to do it!

OP hasn’t said this, @Dryshampooandcoffee

Dryshampooandcoffee · 05/12/2020 22:20

@Meraas she has referenced that Sil lives closer to mil and doesn’t have any children... I might have totally miss understood(and sorry if I have), but to me this implies she thinks sil should help over her DH/herself.

lanthanum · 05/12/2020 22:28

If tenants left the house in a mess then money for cleaning should have been deducted from their deposit.

If it's empty, SiL could go and clean without MiL there - then no covid risk. However, regardless of not having family, she will need a rest over Christmas too.

How about replying along the lines of "why don't we both chip in to cover costs of getting a cleaner and a gardener in?"

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 22:31

There is no chipping in required the mil kept tenant deposit

Ideasplease322 · 05/12/2020 22:52

Katie but does the fact that this is a business, and she is being cheap by getting in unpaid family labour, not make this different?

My aunt owns lots of houses she rents out. She would never expect us to clean then for free. She pays for it to be done as part of her business.

The mum has kept the deposit but still expects her son to travel for Miles on public transport to clean up after her tenants. Professional end of tenancy is required. It’s really quite normal.

I think that sounds a bit cheap and selfish.

Ideasplease322 · 05/12/2020 22:55

@Dryshampooandcoffee

Sil is a CF to tell your DP. You are a CF because you expect her to do it! If your Mil needs help she needs to speak to both of her children to work out what options are safer/better for all those involved.
I think if mil can’t manage her property, she should reconsider and sell it. Most landlords I know would employ cleaners for end of tenancy cleans.

If mil can’t manage this simple thing herself, she really shouldn’t be a landlord

billy1966 · 05/12/2020 22:58

So MIL wants to hold on to the deposit while her DD organises for her brother to clean the filthy, profitable rental his mother owns.

Hilarious!

Exactly how someone would like to spend a couple of days of their holidays after the year that it's been....

Eh NO.

Like hell would I say yes to this bull.

OP, MIL needs to use the deposit rather her children to clean her rental.

There are bound to be plenty of options.

BonnieDundee · 05/12/2020 23:00

if MIL has enough money for a second house MIL has enough money to pay for a cleaner.

liveitwell · 05/12/2020 23:12

YANBU. Why does it matter if she's higher risk? She can go clean while your PIL go stay at her house.

Also your PIL need to work out something that works for them. Can't they employ people to do it? Why should they depend on you?

It's nice to help but only when you're able.

Oreservoir · 05/12/2020 23:30

No way would I ask my dc to clean a home that I'd been getting a rental income for.
That's beyond cheeky.
It's a business and it should be cleaned professionally. I wouldn't take a small child into that mess either. If the mil has kept the deposit it must be grim.

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/12/2020 23:39

Clearly - clearly - this needs to be outsourced as so many posters have said, get professionals in. Job done.

She’s actually kept the deposit from what I’ve read, so she’s got the funds to do it. If she can afford to have a second property she can definitely afford to have it cleaned. If she’s selling her house, then she’ll have the money from that!

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/12/2020 23:40

Not to say your DH and his sister couldn’t help their mum out with some of the other stuff of course! If she’s been ill with shingles she might need a bit of looking after.

choli · 05/12/2020 23:52

@UsernameA1B2

IndecentFeminist its more my ocd that is the hardship and what I'm struggling with.
It's not about you and your issues.