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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 06/12/2020 09:29

The schools break up a week before Christmas so by the 28th SIL would be pretty low risk if she hadn’t had any symptoms. Therefore DH could suggest that SIL meets him there & they spend a couple of days on it together. However I would only do this after checking with MIL about why she wasn’t bringing in professionals - and there would have to be a damn good reason.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 06/12/2020 12:05

@LittleRa apologies -you’re right! Sister texted DH and not OP

WhatKatyDidNxt · 06/12/2020 12:11

@mummmy2017 l think this is a good suggestion. It’s more polite than what l would be tempted to send. But l would also be tempted to ignore the text. My mum loves to try to volunteer me for stuff so l have little tolerance for this kind of thing. Most recent big “volunteer” was me helping my auntie move house. For clarity Auntie isn’t unwell, retired early and it was a big move, which meant going from the most expensive part of the country to a cheaper part of the country. Her mortgage is paid off so equity was freed up. Why should l assist when l live 1.5 - 2 hours away from the old address and 5+ hours from the new address. Whilst balancing a demanding job, IVF and trying to move myself. Plus she has lots of equity to pay for the move. I have moved house a few times and none of my family ever helped.

yoyo1234 · 06/12/2020 13:02

MIL should pay for cleaning and gardening from deposit. You or DH should not be traveling in/out of tiers and 6 hours on public transport is not good use of time.

choli · 06/12/2020 14:02

You might want to examine why you think her child free status designates her as dogsbody.

Meraas · 06/12/2020 15:20

Dryshampooandcoffee

she has referenced that Sil lives closer to mil and doesn’t have any children... I might have totally miss understood(and sorry if I have), but to me this implies she thinks sil should help over her DH/herself.

I think that’s just to explain that there isn’t a reason why SIL can’t offer herself or suggest that she and her brother BOTH go and help their mum.

The SIL has already shown she’s manipulative by implying that’s she’s ‘high risk’ due to working in a school, when there is no risk in going to an empty house!

And also the implication that OP should go and clean her MIL’e house is unacceptable too. SIL is willing to offer up anyone but herself.

Wheresmykimchi · 06/12/2020 15:53

@Meraas

Dryshampooandcoffee

she has referenced that Sil lives closer to mil and doesn’t have any children... I might have totally miss understood(and sorry if I have), but to me this implies she thinks sil should help over her DH/herself.

I think that’s just to explain that there isn’t a reason why SIL can’t offer herself or suggest that she and her brother BOTH go and help their mum.

The SIL has already shown she’s manipulative by implying that’s she’s ‘high risk’ due to working in a school, when there is no risk in going to an empty house!

And also the implication that OP should go and clean her MIL’e house is unacceptable too. SIL is willing to offer up anyone but herself.

Which is odd as OP has already said she intends on sending the one DC to her parents so she can have a break....
Greeneyedminx · 06/12/2020 17:18

Just reply that your DH is happy to meet her there and clean the house alongside her. As he’s going to have to take public transport to get there, maybe she could make a start and he’ll join her as soon as he arrives.
Failing that, download a list of cleaners in that area and ask her to mention it to their mother.

MerchantOfVenom · 06/12/2020 17:22

As I said upthread, it would be really enlightening to get SIL’s side of the story...

Leaannb · 06/12/2020 17:32

@MerchantOfVenom

As I said upthread, it would be really enlightening to get SIL’s side of the story...
O would rather hear why Mil's excuse for trying to make a profit at the expense of her kid, his spouse and grandchild...Thats the better question
QueenofLouisiana · 06/12/2020 17:36

In this story, I’d be the SIL (although I do have DC if that makes a difference).

My DStepSiblings think that because I live closer to our parents I don’t mind doing bits and pieces for them. I don’t mind. Usually.

Except this year it has been months and months of providing food, organising deliveries, checking in. All of which my DSSs would never realise is being done because it simply wouldn’t occur to them that it is needed. Meanwhile DPs are telling them everything is fine and taken care of- yes, by me!

If I were to suggest that they drive up and help our parents with the huge garden (help provided several times by teen DS), or help them get stuff to the tip (as I can’t get to them and back to the tip after work so need to use weekends) or to help clear anything I’m sure they’d be declaring I’m a CF as I can’t do it myself.

Apologies- this thread has clearly hit a nerve.

Ideasplease322 · 06/12/2020 17:42

But queen, don’t you see this is very different. This is an end of tenancy clean.

The sister may well be feeling put upon, we don’t know. My response would have been different has she asked for help with organising food deliveries etc.

But she asked for an end of tenancy clean to be done, when her mother has already charged the tenant for that service to be provided by professionals.

Leaannb · 06/12/2020 18:29

@QueenofLouisiana

In this story, I’d be the SIL (although I do have DC if that makes a difference).

My DStepSiblings think that because I live closer to our parents I don’t mind doing bits and pieces for them. I don’t mind. Usually.

Except this year it has been months and months of providing food, organising deliveries, checking in. All of which my DSSs would never realise is being done because it simply wouldn’t occur to them that it is needed. Meanwhile DPs are telling them everything is fine and taken care of- yes, by me!

If I were to suggest that they drive up and help our parents with the huge garden (help provided several times by teen DS), or help them get stuff to the tip (as I can’t get to them and back to the tip after work so need to use weekends) or to help clear anything I’m sure they’d be declaring I’m a CF as I can’t do it myself.

Apologies- this thread has clearly hit a nerve.

Does your parents have the money or resources to do all this for themselves? Mil in this instance is taking the piss. In your case you need to jave a long conversation with your parents and tell them to stop telling your stepsibilings everything is fine. Tell them you can't cope and need help helping them. You contacting your stepsibilings in this case would not be CF
rookiemere · 06/12/2020 18:31

Well even if SIL has been providing help to her DM, this is not something that either adult DC need to be getting involved in beyond researching local cleaning agencies - if perhaps DM is not computer literate.

user1463396188 · 06/12/2020 19:31

I can't believe your Sister in Law expected you to give up your Christmas holiday to clean for your in-laws while she has a nice little break ! The nerve of the women. Your in laws should pay for a cleaner out of the deposit money. She is a first class CF and then some !

elenacampana · 06/12/2020 20:54

I think the costs should be covered with the deposit. However, I think you’re well out of line by saying anything at all about her childfree status. Not having children doesn’t mean you’re at everyone’s beck and call.

Meraas · 06/12/2020 22:03

@QueenofLouisiana

Time to tell DSSs that they need to step and help you! And tell your parents that they need to lean on the others more.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/12/2020 00:27

@elenacampana good point. Some people think the childless / child free live a life of Riley, with days of free time just waiting to be filled by some crap task for a family member. My exh family thought this of us. Yeah l didn’t fall into line Hmm

Krampusasbabysitter · 07/12/2020 02:13

Someone who owns two houses can bloody well afford to pay for professional cleaners. SIL is a CF to assume someone with a small child and no transport should rock up across that distance, especially if her PIL haven't done a lot of her or helped with childcare etc.

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2020 08:05

mulled wine and really good hotdogs for meat eaters and mini pigs in blankets for the children

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2020 08:06

sorry wrong thread......

TheresSnowHelpForUs · 08/12/2020 08:17

@UsernameA1B2

Sil is suggesting we help out and she does not. Sil would never help out cleaning. I meant more she has no dc to look after/ find childcare for. Mil can definitely afford a cleaner, she is richer than Sil, bil and dh combined.
Well then MIL is the CF here imho. Why should family clean a house for free when she has money to pay for professional cleaners (esp given your update about her keeping the deposit).

I wouldn't think it a problem for SIL and your DH to do a few days cleaning together if that was the only option, though. But not fair for him to do it all in that situation.

popsydoodle4444 · 08/12/2020 08:34

So your MIL/SIL expects your DH to leave his family for a few days over Christmas to travel 60 miles on public transport which I'm assuming will be at his own expense to be a free cleaner/gardener/handyman?

The mother can kept all or part of the tenants deposit to get these issues sorted by professionals;there are cleaning companies who do end of tenancy cleans,gardeners who'll come do a tidy up and local handymen for the bits n bobs.

tallduckandhandsome · 08/12/2020 12:43

Well then MIL is the CF here imho. Why should family clean a house for free when she has money to pay for professional cleaners (esp given your update about her keeping the deposit).

I agree with this, I love my DM a lot and me and my sibs all do so much for her, but I've always insisted that she needs to maintain a cleaner and gardener as it's just too much. She was honestly bewildered that we didn't want to clean her house every 2 weeks.

Jenstar123 · 08/12/2020 14:25

mulled wine and really good hotdogs for meat eaters and mini pigs in blankets for the children

LOL 😂 Tbh this reply makes more sense than the SIL who expects her brother who is in tier 3 to travel for several hours on public transport to clean ONE OF their DMs houses for free so she can keep the deposit to spend on something else! 🙄

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