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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 05/12/2020 20:26

What about the brother in law you mentioned??? Is he going to help?

shreddednips · 05/12/2020 20:27

But perhaps your DH could offer to make arrangements for a cleaner to save his mum the hassle if she's unwell and SIL can be there to let them in as a compromise. But I think his mum should pay as she has the deposit for that purpose.

Attictroll · 05/12/2020 20:27

What has your Dh done to support his mum this year vs his sister. This year physically closer and also female relatives have tended to take on more. My brother has not seen my parents since March although I know others who have travelled further for a few hours in a park.
Being a sahm to a 3 yo with also a Dh working from home is easy compared to being a single teacher in these times.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 20:28

Can you explain why SIL being single and not having children is relevant?

Happyheartlovelife · 05/12/2020 20:31

I feel very sorry for your MIL. She has a daughter and a son who seem to want nothing to do to help her
I’d be over in a shot to help my mother and my mother in law and I have multiple health issues.

BloggersBlog · 05/12/2020 20:32

The inference is she will probably have more time as no dependants 🙄

As opposed to a man working full time with a wife who is a sahm and one child

BloggersBlog · 05/12/2020 20:34

2 sons Happy as op has said there is dh, sil and bil. And as SiL is single, she can't have meant SiL's dh

rwalker · 05/12/2020 20:35

If it was MIL home and she was struggling yes .
But this is totally different it a rental house that she has kept the deposit from .Get the pro's in and claim it back against her bussiness.

shreddednips · 05/12/2020 20:36

@Attictroll

What has your Dh done to support his mum this year vs his sister. This year physically closer and also female relatives have tended to take on more. My brother has not seen my parents since March although I know others who have travelled further for a few hours in a park. Being a sahm to a 3 yo with also a Dh working from home is easy compared to being a single teacher in these times.
This is a good point, teachers are absolutely flat out at the moment. It's possible that SIL has her own mental health struggles that you're not aware of.
mbosnz · 05/12/2020 20:38

Also, WFH, can mean different things. DH has been doing days ranging from 9 - 15 hours. And not stress free, and not in one time zone.

SendHelp30 · 05/12/2020 20:39

But you said they didn’t know about your OCD? Doesn’t your DH want to help his mother? I don’t think she’s cheeky at all

Justcallmebebes · 05/12/2020 20:43

I think it's weird that two grown adults don't drive and think it's unreasonable to be asked to help an elderly relative

Happyheartlovelife · 05/12/2020 20:46

@BloggersBlog

That makes it even worse.

I really hope that isn’t me in later life.

WayTooSoon · 05/12/2020 20:48

Daughters often get stuck with all the cleaning/caring for elderly parents. Your DH should help his mum. You don't have to go yourself as it will probably be a hindrance to have a 3yo there, but he should help in some way, either physically to help or virtually eg arranging a cleaner. I don't think it is CF-y of your SIL to ask for help.

huuskymam · 05/12/2020 20:49

Síl being single with no children irrelevant. You don't know what she does for her parents on a daily basis. The parents in law not helping out with your dc is also irrelevant. I think your dh and siblings should go help out for a weekend.

I would have no problem telling my brothers to get their arses in gear to help out, (they can be a bit simple and not realise help is needed till its pointed out to them) but they would do it, because that's what family do. It sounds like mil has a lot on her plate at the moment and could use a hand.

I don't see the need for you and DC to go as well. A 3 year old would be more of a hindrance than a help. Do you fell you can't spend a weekend along with your child without your husband.

ZenNudist · 05/12/2020 20:50

Another one who thinks MIL can afford a cleaner.

I'd be offended if my dsis "suggested" I go clean a house on my own without her.

cuppateabiscuits · 05/12/2020 20:51

I would think it's family working together and if your child's full on then a perfect distraction while being around her grandparent
We were allowed bubbles of immediate family didn't mean everyone got covid
If you look beyond yourself sometimes it might make the world a better place including helping someone who needs it.
I have this, I worry about that.. get outside yourself bloody hell

StripyHorse · 05/12/2020 20:52

If it was the fact that PIL needed help with their house I would say YABU.

But it is the house they have been renting i.e. a business arrangement. They have presumably made a profit in renting it so if they can't do it I think they should pay to have it cleaned.

Supersimkin2 · 05/12/2020 20:54

MIL gets a cheap deepclean tax and VAT free, she's a landlord. And she's got the tenants' deposits to dip into, so she's already in hefty profit.

Cheswick · 05/12/2020 20:58

There may be a few reasons why MIL can't pay for the professional clean. The house can be trashed so the deposit would not cover the costs of professional clean and / or repairs. Or the house is required sorting before the move rather than clean only. The cost of looking after the grandmother can be a reason for downsizing. The OP can only assume the financial and MH situation of IL.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 05/12/2020 21:03

If MIL was happy to take the rental income to help pay off the mortgage so she can move in and get even more money from selling where she currently lives, she can bloody well pay a cleaner. Tight fisted CF.

IseeIsee · 05/12/2020 21:03

I think SIL is cheeky. The text was asking your husband to help when she has no intention of doing so herself. The fact she has no children and works and you have one is totally irrelevant. Just say no.

Robinelf · 05/12/2020 21:05

Why should any of you travel to help MIL with her rental business? She can pay someone to clean, surely she wouldn’t want her son to leave his own family and travel on public transport, rather than pick up the phone and arrange it herself.

If she needed actual support for herself, day to day, due to being ill then of course he should have gone.

But he already has his own full time job- and working from home certainly doesn’t equal easy - so why should he give up his weekend to take part in something the letting agent should be dealing with ?

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 21:07

Exactly, @robinelf. It's the MIL's job and all she has to do is call an agency and hand over some money, which she can well afford.

MrsClatterbuck · 05/12/2020 21:13

If the house has been left as filthy as your OP says then that is really a job for the professionals. After travelling 3 hours by public transport your DH is then expected to clean a filthy house from top to bottom in one day I presume. After all he can't stay overnight with either his DM or ds with regulations I would imagine so has to travel home another 3 hours. Plus public transport over the Christmas period is usually reduced.

I appreciate that Mil has a lot on her plate being a carer for her mum and recovering from shingles which can be very debilitating depending on how severe they were. I had a work colleague who was off months with theirs due to the pain and another work colleague who had them and had virtually no problems whatsoever. But how did she manage before when tennants moved out. Did she employ cleaners or do it herself because she didn't want to spend the money?
I am in a group for carers and I see posts time and time again about people who are looking after elderly dps pil or steparents all on their own with no help from siblings. And it isn't always the ones who live the closest who do all the work. Sometimes it's the one who live a distance away and whatever they do they get criticised by the ones doing nothing or told what to do. It has been a real eye opener. I can totally believe that the sil does nothing but tells everyone else what to do having read rl accounts by carers.

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