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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing DP

245 replies

Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:50

Preface with DP and I don’t live together but it was decided he would stay here for lockdown.

Last night there was a football game on and he went to watch it at a friends. I didn’t mind too much as it was only 4 hours before he’d have been able to do so legally in a pub! While he was there his phone must have died. This happens often as he’s using an awful broken phone.

The time he’s due to come to mine rolls by.. no show. A few hours after.. nothing. I decide to lock the door and go to bed. But still heard nothing at almost 3pm today!

AIBU to think this isn’t on? Despite him staying for lockdown I still think that he is a guest and if he tells me he is coming to my house, then he shouldn’t just not show up or whenever he feels like it. Help me to not send a tirade of texts to a dead phone as I don’t want him to have ‘why can’t I be with my friends’ as a defence.

OP posts:
Headlesschic · 02/12/2020 20:48

Stay strong OP. He's showing you exactly who he is and how he feels about you. You're not his priority. He doesn't care about your feelings. He's taking the piss and up to now you've let him. You're better than that. Get him to fuck.

DianaT1969 · 02/12/2020 20:48

I know it's really disappointing and you thought you could make the relationship work. But you can't change him. Whenever you waver, think back to this afternoon and the fact you had to say hello to him. He didn't give you the courtesy of a call once his phone charged. No call, no text. Think ahead to all the future times when you'd feel that kick in the stomach. Bad nights of sleep because he disappears.
He'll do it to every woman he is with too. It isn't you.

hadesinahalfahell · 02/12/2020 20:48

I can't believe you were going to let him back and that you ordered him a sodding takeaway, and then he fucked off again. You will look back and be very embarrassed in the future if you continue to have a relationship with this man. It doesn't even sound like a relationship, he doesn't care about you or respect you and uses you at his convenience. Please treat him with the indifference that he deserves.

DazedandConcerned · 02/12/2020 20:50

@Secretlyseethingg have you heard the version they did for Conan O’Brien? Google it. Amazing with the strings and drums.

The bf... fuck him. Hope he enjoys being alone. He doesn’t deserve you.

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 20:50

Yes! @Secretlyseethingg it’s much better than the original: a revelation to me

cameocat · 02/12/2020 20:51

Yes headphones, or a long warm bath, scented candle etc. All things that will make you feel calm. Don't give in, giving in will tell him he can continue to treat you like shit and it will only get worse. You can't fix him but you might make him a better partner for someone else one day.

Take up some good things you enjoy to keep you busy, especially exercise, good for mental health, physical health and being busy.

CrazyCatLazy · 02/12/2020 20:52

@Secretlyseethingg

Headphones are a great idea. Has anyone ever heard Disturbed’s version of “sound of silence” it’s beautiful. My latest favourite on repeat.

The main thought in my head is the lack of respect. I clearly mean nothing to him if after knowing he upset me, he doesn’t even want to attempt to make it up.

Wonderful song. Big hugs lovely, you really sound nice and deserve a DP that is going to appreciate you x
cameocat · 02/12/2020 20:54

Also how dare he say don't be mad. He's turning it back on you.

You have a right to be whatever you want to be. Your reaction might change but the only thing that isn't going to change is that he's an unreliable dickhead with a propensity for flaky apologies and manipulative ways to turn things back on you. Who needs that kind of shit in their lives?

kursaalflyer · 02/12/2020 20:55

You're right, he's completely disrespectful to you but whatever you do, don't try telling him that because by communicating you will be letting him in, allowing him to repeat all his old crap to you. Ignore, ignore, IGNORE!

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 20:59

@hadesinahalfahell

I can't believe you were going to let him back and that you ordered him a sodding takeaway, and then he fucked off again. You will look back and be very embarrassed in the future if you continue to have a relationship with this man. It doesn't even sound like a relationship, he doesn't care about you or respect you and uses you at his convenience. Please treat him with the indifference that he deserves.
This.

You did another mummy thing and got his din dins for him. He still fucked again off after that Hmm

saraclara · 02/12/2020 20:59

Oh I really hope his stuff is on the step and you've got headphones in and won't hear him knock.

I'm just about the last person on this board to say LTB, but really, he's a ridiculous self-centred child and you would be so much better off without him.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 21:00

[quote DazedandConcerned]@Secretlyseethingg have you heard the version they did for Conan O’Brien? Google it. Amazing with the strings and drums.

The bf... fuck him. Hope he enjoys being alone. He doesn’t deserve you.[/quote]
Have just watched.. wow thank you for sharing!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2020 21:01

@Secretlyseethingg

Headphones are a great idea. Has anyone ever heard Disturbed’s version of “sound of silence” it’s beautiful. My latest favourite on repeat.

The main thought in my head is the lack of respect. I clearly mean nothing to him if after knowing he upset me, he doesn’t even want to attempt to make it up.

Good for you!

And keep in mind something I realised with a horrible ex of mine. Every time he persuaded me to give it another go after being a dick, he was laughing at me. He literally laughed at me to his friends. Laughed at me behind closed doors. Laughed at me being painfully desperate to keep him. Bleurgh it makes me feel sick now!

So if you're tempted to engage with him, picture his smug little face smirking at you telling someone he shut you up and got you to take him back again. He so much as told you he finds it funny before! Picture his face doing that and hopefully it will stop you engaging with him. It worked for me!

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 02/12/2020 21:02

He just gets worse. And op just for reference my Dh has never said anything remotely like “don’t be mad”. It’s not that we haven’t both made mistakes over the years but we’ve always been free to express our feelings to each other and discuss things.

It’s horrible that you feel like you can’t tell him how you feel and that you don’t think you have a right to be upset by his actions.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt when your dp goes AWOL, it’s a normal reaction.

HarrietPotterska · 02/12/2020 21:04

@Secretlyseethingg

He’s text his “lost track time of time..I’m sorry.. don’t be mad”. Isn’t it funny how they say don’t be mad and make it seem like if you get upset it’s your fault?

I replied “I’m not going to say it’s okay because it’s not but I’m not going to argue either”. His stuff will be being put outside

Do you know what? Men who give a shot about you don't say this.

There is no "they".

I'll say it again: he couldn't be clearer in telling you who he is.

It's your choice, now.

DuzzyFuck · 02/12/2020 21:07

Oh OP get rid of the selfish fucker. My EXH did this once, once only. About 3 weeks before we separated. It demonstrates nothing but a huge lack of respect for you and your relationship, not to mention what kind of responsible grown up gets so wasted on a weekday that it's 5pm before he's in a fit state to contact you? I wouldn't want that kind of man-child in my life.

Worriedaboutcovid19 · 02/12/2020 21:07

Many like this will then say to people "she's dumped me because I hung out with my friends.. she was controlling"

Literally. They are sooo predictable. No responsibility for actions.. ever!

espressoontap · 02/12/2020 21:08

Arsehole. Get rid. Who knows what he was up to.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 21:13

@Worriedaboutcovid19

Many like this will then say to people "she's dumped me because I hung out with my friends.. she was controlling"

Literally. They are sooo predictable. No responsibility for actions.. ever!

Exactly! Yesterday before he left he said ‘ let me have one night with my friends!’ Just because I asked when he’d be back so I could wait up because HE asked to see me
OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 02/12/2020 21:14

Good riddance. Disrespectful arse

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 21:17

It’s really not you @Secretlyseethingg

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 21:27

I shall be taking myself to bed.. with extra takeaway! Watching a Christmas film potentially, Could make a hot chocolate. Anything other than going to my front door !

OP posts:
cameocat · 02/12/2020 21:30

Keep that resolve @Secretlyseethingg

mummmy2017 · 02/12/2020 21:33

I'd be texting him.
We are over.
Please arrange a time this weekend to collect your belongings.
Then anything he texts back just put. ...... Not interested.

VetiverAndLavender · 02/12/2020 21:33

Not all men do these things, but the ones who do probably won't change.

There are plenty of men who are mature adults and respect their partners/wives too much to put them through this. The trick is to spot the immaturity early and move on to the next candidate.

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