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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

231 replies

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 11:14

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

OP posts:
FromTheAllotment · 01/12/2020 11:19

Gently, but firmly, decline your invitation. Let her down as easily as you can, but far better to be completely clear and upfront that you will definitely absolutely not be able to attend, and let her get used to that, than to spend the coming months waiting and seeing and being undecided and having it hang over you all. You can’t do a 3 hour drive and a wedding if you’re in imminent labour, nor can you with a week old baby. Just no.

NellyDElephant · 01/12/2020 11:19

As your parents and sister don’t know yet, and I’m sure they will be pleased for you, you are potentially worrying unnecessarily.
First babies are often late, so you should be able to attend all being well. Also, as a rule, labour with first baby takes a fair while and often several days to get going properly (in my experience!), so if you should need to make your excuses and leave (in the very unfortunate event you go into labour on the wedding day), you will have time to travel home. Or do you not really want to attend? I get the impression maybe you don’t from your OP?

LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2020 11:20

Anyone expecting you to stop having a baby because your sister is having a wedding is a twat - and should be ignored! Thanks

FromTheAllotment · 01/12/2020 11:21

Oh, and congratulations GrinFlowers

Sirzy · 01/12/2020 11:22

I would just let them know calmly now, walk away from any sort of hysterics which may or may not follow.

It’s just a case of bad timing, nothing anyone could have done differently

slipperywhensparticus · 01/12/2020 11:25

Decline the invitation tell your mother why first and prewarn her the shit will hit the fan be completely unrepentant about it dont you ever say I'm sorry I'm pregnant I can't come feel free to block there numbers if needed should they go nuclear

Get your partners support on this also

They could be happy for you of course

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 01/12/2020 11:28

How long have you got to rsvp?
I'd wait until you've had the scan before you accept or decline.
Personally I'd be uncomfortable attending a wedding with a young baby or heavily pregnant especially with an hour drive to the nearest hospital should you go into labour.

lazyarse123 · 01/12/2020 11:28

Once you've had your scan tell them and decline the invitation. They've plenty of time to get over it. She sounds a right diva i'd be glad of the excuse.
Congratulations.

ForeverHomeSearcher · 01/12/2020 11:30

Just to give a different experience to a PP. My first born was a few days early and came very quickly. I'd assumed labour would be longer as that's what you get told all the time but that wasn't the case. Fortunately I live very close to the hospital. There's no way I'd commit to staying 3 hours away from home from 37 weeks onwards.

As much as first babies tend to be late and take a while, you can't know that for certain.

In your situation, I'd decline now so it's clear and you don't have to worry about it. You don't need the added stress of travelling/attending a wedding whilst getting to grips with becoming a mum. It's really unfortunate timing but that's just how it goes sometimes.

I had similar timings with a wedding and baby 2 and declined as soon as we announced.

Zitouna · 01/12/2020 11:30

@NellyDElephant

That’s true...but my first baby arrived 3 weeks early very quickly indeed... I wouldn’t have wanted to be in the middle of nowhere at the time!

I’d just say no now OP (or after your scan if more comfortable waiting for that).

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 01/12/2020 11:32

Do not attend.
It's your first baby so you've no idea whether it will be early/late/complicated birth.

Honestly, it's just one (fancy) day, although I'm in the avoid attending a fussy wedding at all costs, camp.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 11:32

How long has she had the new date set for? Did she give you a provisional date and then lock it in when you already knew you were pregnant?

Other than that these things happen. If you were close you'd be messaging saying how do I make this work, so it's clear you aren't and don't aren't bothered about going so be honest and clear and don't get into whatabouterry

liveitwell · 01/12/2020 11:33

There's not a lot you can do.

"Hi sis, Im so sorry but we obviously won't be able to come to the wedding as it's too close to the birth of baby. I wouldn't feel comfortable going that far with a newborn and wouldn't feel safe being that far away if due any day.

I hope you understand. I will be gutted to miss it but I'll be there in spirit and thinking of you of course".

It's possible it's the only date she could get. But also pretty poor of her not to check with you first so the blame isn't on you. If she kicks off or tries to make you feel bad then you just have to accept she's selfish. Don't apologise to her, childbirth takes priority over a wedding and you have no control over it.

liveitwell · 01/12/2020 11:34

@SleepingStandingUp

How long has she had the new date set for? Did she give you a provisional date and then lock it in when you already knew you were pregnant?

Other than that these things happen. If you were close you'd be messaging saying how do I make this work, so it's clear you aren't and don't aren't bothered about going so be honest and clear and don't get into whatabouterry

How could OP possibly make this work?? You can delay or push forwards a babies due date.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 11:35

I would share baby news first, before even linking it to the wedding. If her first comment is anything to do with how this will interfere with her wedding then you know you don't owe her anything.

SmileyClare · 01/12/2020 11:36

It sounds like it would be a relief for you not to attend. Your sister sounds a bit of a nightmare. At least you have a good excuse not to go now. Wink

toomuchtooold · 01/12/2020 11:36

You have every right to decline the invitation, and also every right to decide when to disclose your pregnancy. Is there anything that is likely to get booked in the next couple of weeks? If not, I would just hang on and tell her then. She might kick off because you didn't tell her at the first available opportunity, that's up to her. Finding out all is OK with your baby trumps sodding seating arrangements.

Kaliorphic · 01/12/2020 11:38

Wait until the scan and then share the good news. I wouldn't bother to mention the wedding at that stage as it will spoil your announcement for you. Send her a message afterwards. Congratulations.

Knittedfairies · 01/12/2020 11:39

Whatever you do, do not apologise for being pregnant. None of this 'I'm sorry but...'. Her wedding plans do not mean you have to put yours on hold.

Simplyunacceptable · 01/12/2020 11:41

Wait for the scan, if everything is ok then announce the pregnancy and explain to your sister why you can’t attend the wedding.

Sally872 · 01/12/2020 11:41

If she is a volatile person then she might be angry. Try to remember it isn't your fault, there isn't anything you can do about it and sister is just disappointed you won't make it and communicating badly then wait for her to move on.

It might soften the blow if you tell sister first. Saying you can't believe date clashes with wedding. Gutted to miss it but unavoidable then go on to express frustration at covid which delayed first wedding and causing you to miss an event very important to you.

Good luck.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 11:41

@liveitwell plenty of people come on here staring my best friend / closest sibling is die to be married the day I'm due to give birth, aibu to think it'll be fine, baby will be early or late or we can delivery in the atrium and join them for dessert. Not saying it's always possible but op doesn't seem bothered about not going. Not a judgement, just a fact. And it's that fact that I'd say just keep it very simple and clear it's a no.
If it was me and I could afford to cover the room costs I'd be keeping the room available in case I was late, making sure DH didn't drink, have my hospital bag packed in the boot. If baby came early with straight forward vaginal birth is consider if we could do the journey with lots of stops. But my sister wouldn't care of I was breastfeeding in the photos, had to go to bed early, or had to cancel last minute

TurquoiseDragon · 01/12/2020 11:42

@Kaliorphic

Wait until the scan and then share the good news. I wouldn't bother to mention the wedding at that stage as it will spoil your announcement for you. Send her a message afterwards. Congratulations.
This. And don't be apologetic.
unchienandalusia · 01/12/2020 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/12/2020 11:42

You have no idea whether your baby will be late. It could be significantly premature and I think you are premature in deciding not to go to the wedding when you don't know what the situation will be.

It sounds to me as if you do not like your sister and don't want to go to her wedding. What was the point in saying she didn't want your dad at her hen night? Who would? It is a night for women.