Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

[Momma2bee]

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

First babies are often late, so you should be able to attend all being well. Also, as a rule, labour with first baby takes a fair while and often several days to get going properly (in my experience!), so if you should need to make your excuses and leave (in the very unfortunate event you go into labour on the wedding day), you will have time to travel home

That may be true generally, but what if it’s not? An hour away from a hospital, or mid journey.

I was told that first babies are late, slow labour etc, and planned accordingly. Had my box sets lined up, and mat leave booked for my due date.

Fortunately I stayed close to home. Baby came 2 weeks early, without me going into labour. Waters broke, went to hospital for a check up, and was having an emergency c-section half an hour later. If I’d have been an hour away from a hospital, the baby would have died.

Is it worth the risk going to the wedding so far? Likely it will be fine, but if it isn’t it is potentially catastrophic.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@liveitwell plenty of people come on here staring my best friend / closest sibling is die to be married the day I'm due to give birth, aibu to think it'll be fine, baby will be early or late or we can delivery in the atrium and join them for dessert. Not saying it's always possible but op doesn't seem bothered about not going. Not a judgement, just a fact. And it's that fact that I'd say just keep it very simple and clear it's a no.
If it was me and I could afford to cover the room costs I'd be keeping the room available in case I was late, making sure DH didn't drink, have my hospital bag packed in the boot. If baby came early with straight forward vaginal birth is consider if we could do the journey with lots of stops. But my sister wouldn't care of I was breastfeeding in the photos, had to go to bed early, or had to cancel last minute[/quote]
The wedding is going to be in the middle of nowhere a 3 hour drive from OP's home. I don't know about OP, but I wouldn't be going so far from home so close to a due date, especially for a first baby.

I would wait for the scan, tell her, and decline the invite. Hopefully she will be happy for you.

Who would want their dad on their hen do?

Hope she doesn't kick off and claim you've done it deliberately to mess up her day.
Congratulations, btw.

if you should be unlucky enough to go over dates & than be induced you could still be in hospital
(says this with feeling)
Not that I am suggesting this will or is likely to happen - its more likely to be straightforward but it is an outside possibility

Well they don't know you are pregnant so not their fault.

I think its odd not to tell family before 12weeks but hey ho, you needed to have told them as soon as she suggested the date, you'll just have to decline. As you're not in wedding party they won't have checked date with you before i'm guessing

Not wanting kids at her wedding - her choice
Not wanting her father at her hen do - fair enough

It's not like she deliberately scheduled it to that weekend.

The wedding is going to be in the middle of nowhere a 3 hour drive from OP's home. I don't know about OP, but I wouldn't be going so far from home so close to a due date, especially for a first baby. And I haven't said she should. I've said she should be very clear it's a definite no. I said other people Inc me might do differently if they really wanted to be there (£60 round trip in taxi leaving my 5 week old stable but poor baby in hospital with Daddy in another city to attend just the getting ready and wedding ceremony) which might warrant another approach to the sister. But she needs to make it clear it isn't up for discussion

I think you should just leave it open. No need to rock the boat this early. I attended my dad's wedding with my 10 day old baby and it wasn't really a problem. Family were delighted to see our daughter and even though it was pretty tiring, we just left when it was polite to do so.

Once you've shared the news with your family I'm sure they'll be delighted. Your sister might be a bit pissed off but there's nothing she can really do about it. If you give notice that you're not going then it sounds like it'll be forever held against you.

@liveitwell

There's not a lot you can do.

"Hi sis, Im so sorry but we obviously won't be able to come to the wedding as it's too close to the birth of baby. I wouldn't feel comfortable going that far with a newborn and wouldn't feel safe being that far away if due any day.

I hope you understand. I will be gutted to miss it but I'll be there in spirit and thinking of you of course".

It's possible it's the only date she could get. But also pretty poor of her not to check with you first so the blame isn't on you. If she kicks off or tries to make you feel bad then you just have to accept she's selfish. Don't apologise to her, childbirth takes priority over a wedding and you have no control over it.

OP's sister doesn't know she's pregnant yet.

thanks for the responses so far she was due to get married this year but then had to change the date because of covid (we made more of a effort to hold back on plans ) .my partners parents are both not well at the moment one is in intensive care and we've also had some issues with our home no heating for nearly a month(new boiler now ) also had bad sickness / I work fulltime ,so when she may have announced date change only verbally when I saw her a couple of months ago at another event it hasn't gone in didn't get a formal rsvp ,
So I messaged her to check yesterday the date and that's when I realised the clash , as she doesn't know about baby she hasn't made it that date on purpose,
she is getting married 3 hours from my home maybe more traffic depending and the location is in the middle of nowhere especially at the accommodation as she is wanting more of a wedding weekend she has booked a remote country house for before and after the wedding which is an hour from any hospital and in a phone signal blackspot
thanks again

It's your first baby, you don't know what will happen, there's no guarantee of being early or late. I wouldn't go in your circumstances. If you end up having the baby there you've got a 3 hr drive back with a newborn, you could be really sore which would be torture all the way home. Newborns aren't supposed to be in car seats more than 30 minutes at a time so you'd have to stop a lot. Once you've had your scan I would inform sister /parents of baby, I'm sure they'll be really happy, particularly your parents. And then explain to your sister that due to the timing you wont be able to attend her wedding. You need to put yourself first.

Also don't think it's unreasonable to not want your dad at your hen do, I had a male friend at mine but it's not an event for dads!

@Lazypuppy

Well they don't know you are pregnant so not their fault.

I think its odd not to tell family before 12weeks but hey ho, you needed to have told them as soon as she suggested the date, you'll just have to decline. As you're not in wedding party they won't have checked date with you before i'm guessing

Regarding telling family before 12 weeks, the OP says this is a rainbow baby, so I can completely see why she didn’t want to do that.

I told my in laws and parents I was pregnant the first time at 10 weeks and unfortunately started bleeding soon after - it would have been easier to cope with if we hadn’t had to tell them there wasn’t going to be a baby after all.

Had you already paid for accommodation but for a different date?

Hmm there seems to be a lot of simmering resentment here Op! It's irrelevant to your dilemma that your sister is the "favoured child" your parents are letting her live "rent free" while you have struggled with no heating for a month.

Why have you included all that? I mean I sympathise, it sounds like she's a bit spoilt and used to getting her own way.

Look if you don't like her and don't want to go then don't go. It doesn't make you a bad person. I wouldn't travel all that way either heavily pregnant or with a new born in tow. It's not the end of the world if you don't attend. It's one day.

Just to give a different experience to a PP. My first born was a few days early and came very quickly. I'd assumed labour would be longer as that's what you get told all the time but that wasn't the case. Fortunately I live very close to the hospital. There's no way I'd commit to staying 3 hours away from home from 37 weeks onwards.

As much as first babies tend to be late and take a while, you can't know that for certain.

This! My DC1 was a few days early and labour 3.5 hours from the first contraction. It's dependent on you, baby hasn't read the books.

Your family situation sounds quite like mine and to be honest, you need to toughen up. Took a while for me to notice that. Stand up for what is right for you. Did they even ask if you wanted them to book a room for you? Or are you just expected to jump to it when sister orders?

Congratulations and I hope all goes well. Don't feel pressured into going anywhere or doing anything you are not comfortable with.

Don't forget if the baby is early, you will still be recovering, baby will not have had vaccines etc (we were told to avoid gatherings until he was).

Wait for the scan and then cancel. Better several months ahead, and when doing so wish her well for the wedding.

Own this, OP. Announce after 12 weeks if you want. Decline invitation and take no abuse. If parents not happy then straighten them out and rebase your relationship before your baby arrives. If DSis is the golden child then what do you have to lose? Would your DSis attend your hen if she were pregnant?

Good luck.

I've never heard of the bride's dad being invited to her hen do. No wonder your sister didn't want him there. Did you have your dad at your hen? I don't know why you even see that as an issue.

I think you're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be tbh.

From reading your post I think it's quite clear you've already decided not to go, which is fair enough. Just be honest about it.

If yous have any type of close relationship she might be a bit hurt her sister won't be there, which I also think is fair enough. But she'll get over it, and have a wonderful day regardless no doubt. It doesn't overly sound like yous are that close tbh. If I were to write your post I would be fully heartbroken by the possibility of not being there, and as unrealistic and ridiculous at it might be I'd prob still plan to be as it would be such an important day to me!

But all the comments in your post about her wanting this/that and basically assuming she won't be happy for you, make me think it might actually be the other way around. You're pissed she's unknowingly booked her wedding for the month your baby is due, and now trying to make it all a bit more dramatic than it needs to be.

Just relax, tell her your good news and yous both can enjoy the lead up to a very exciting June!

Once you’ve got the announcement out of the way, have an honest conversation with her.

If she wants a definite answer, then you’ll have to decline.

If she’s happy to risk it (in terms of the sunk costs), agree together that you’ll make it if you can.

You've very much set your sister up to be the 'bad guy' in all this but only mentioned at the very end of your post that she doesn't even know about your pregnancy yet!

Did you know you were pregnant when she booked the date and your accommodation? I know it is absolutely your right to announce your pregnancy when you want, however I can see why the family may wonder why you didn't mention it earlier when it could have been easier to change dates to avoid the clash and avoid your sister spending money on accomodation for you.

She may not want kids at the wedding at the moment, that doesn't make her a bad person. She may feel differently when it is her own niece/nephew.

I attended my brothers wedding with a 2 month old baby and that was hard enough. You are right thinking that it would be almost impossible with a brand new one especially your first.

Pp who said not to say you are sorry was right. Dont apologise for your baby. Sometimes things just clash and your DS should understand this hopefully.

Is there a reason you think your family will be upset that you are having a baby? Surely they will be very pleased

I would tell them all your good news and the expected due date when you think the time is right but don't mention the wedding. Leave it for a bit so it all sinks in and then, a few days later or when wedding is next mentioned say "it's a shame we're going to miss it, isn't it?". Sound disappointed but be totally immovable - bringing a new life into this world trumps a wedding any day. You won't want to spoil the last few weeks of your pregnancy with worrying about dates and hats etc so make it clear to them. Hopefully she'll get someone else to use the room. Congratulations 💐

Sorry slightly off topic but what is a rainbow baby?