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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

231 replies

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 11:14

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

OP posts:

Micah · 01/12/2020 13:17

thought if I have any signs of labour, I can drive 2 hours home

🙄 Have you ever tried driving in Labour? 10 mins to hospital with someone else driving was bad enough, 2 hours? Insanity.

Mochudubh · 01/12/2020 13:19

@2bazookas

This x a million.

BikeRunSki · 01/12/2020 13:26

Absolutely agree with everyone saying to wait for the scan, share your news and decline the invitation.

FWIW, my first baby was 3 and a half wetland early and arrived 7 hours after the first twinge.

FestiveChristmasLights · 01/12/2020 13:26

Congratulations.

I would wait until you feel ready (understandable if that is after your 12 week scan) and then tell those you would normally tell first (eg parents and in-laws). Then let your sister know that you are almost certainly going to be unable to attend and if you are, it’ll be with a newborn and you’ll only know at the time if you feel up to it. After that, let her be annoyed and just ignore her.

As for first babies being late, they are more likely to be early now. Many trusts won’t allow pregnancies to go beyond 41 weeks and the big increase in monitoring and consultant-led pregnancies means that often babies are induced or mothers have a c section from 37 weeks.

BikeRunSki · 01/12/2020 13:26

Typo!
wetland = week

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/12/2020 13:33

@Alethiometrical

I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child

When you are ready to tell them, tell your parents. Give this to them as good news, wonderful news ! and don't mention in any way your sister's wedding.

Keep the two things separate. Because they are. And try not to "borrow trouble." Go into the conversation with the sole thought that it's wonderful news for you, and you hope they'll join you in being happy and excited.

If your parents start to go on about the timing and your sister's wedding, then try to stay very calm. Let them talk themselves into a corner, if they do ...

If they go on about you and your baby being a problem, repeat it - calmly - back to them: "So me not being able to attend a wedding (a social occasion) is a problem that's of more importance to you than my pregnancy?"

Let them tell you what they think.

Oh, and don't try to trump your sister's wedding with stuff about "first grandchild." Just ask them to join you in your happiness and excitement.

Please don't play your sister's game of demanding that everyone else treat you as though you are the most important person.

Very good advice. Her wedding and your pregnancy are indeed entirely separate from each other. When YOU are ready to do so, announce your pregnancy to your parents with no reference whatsoever to due date. No-one should expect you to live your life beholden to someone else's timetable.

You are clearly anticipating a poor reaction from them, and I'm genuinely sorry about this, it's taking the shine off a bit for you.

But, in purely practical terms - attending this wedding would be foolish. Whether you're early, late or bang on schedule, the location and the timing do not work for you, and spending months stressing about it is no way to spend a pregnancy. And that takes priority over any wedding, even a sibling's.

Congratulations, by the way !

diddl · 01/12/2020 13:36

If you want to wait for your scan, that's fine Op.

Even without your history it would be fine.

There should still be enough time for her to move things around if she wants & if not, it's just unfortunate.

Sounds as if you would have had to tell her more or less straight away to have avoided this happening.

staycosy · 01/12/2020 13:37

I’ve had to postpone my wedding until next year and I would be utterly devastated if my sister couldn’t come. Please don’t be too hard on her. She can be sad about her wedding experience being shit and happy for you at the same time. Just acknowledge it’s an impossible situation and move on. I’ve lost all enthusiasm now and just want my wedding over with.

ClaireP20 · 01/12/2020 13:42

Couldn't you have had a quiet word with your sister when she was rescheduling the wedding? I think it's pretty mean of you not to do so. She could have taken your pregnancy into account when rebooking the venue. I mean, I understand not telling people you are pregnant but your sister?!?!

Heyahun · 01/12/2020 13:45

yeah - you need to stop getting so worked up about this so far in advance - go for the scan, then break the news that you are pregnant!

See how she reacts and deal with it then - there's nothing you can do about what day the baby arrives, whether you will feel up to the wedding even if the baby is born!

I'd leave it up to your sister - either she wants to keep your place in the accommodation and hope you can make it / she's happy to have the baby attend - but give her an out - tell her you know she doesn't want children at the wedding so understand, but it means you can't attend in that case

Also make it clear the dates may clash so there's every chance you can't make it anyway!

Something similar is happening to me but it is just a very close friends wedding rather than a family member - she has said she is happy for me to attend with the baby if I don't feel up to leaving it with anyone!!

I've said I can't give her an answer on if I can go or not until closer to the time as I need to see what the baby is like, if I can handle the trip, if i'm feeling up to it etc!

If your sister falls out with you over it then she's not a very nice person tbh - like she should be happy for you

ClaireP20 · 01/12/2020 13:46

@Momma2bee

Hi just a few points to clarify and thanks for the advice so far Rainbow baby- baby after a miscarriage Pregnancy will be consultant led due to a heath condition my dad at my sisters hen do, it was during rule of 6 so first family came dropped off some wine and snacks for my sister to enjoy with friends but it was made clear that there was two timed sittings he'd be going , she'll be having another hen do also it was more an event on what would of been her hen do her maid of honour organised to cheer her up show she was supported, so when my dad bought her wine etc. and she was aware that he was only staying as was my mum for awhile that's why it was a bit blunt that she wanted him to leave, my dad isn't the type who would rock up and crash a proper hen do something he wasn't invited too

She's right to tell your dad to bugger off on her hen do - why on earth would he stay? Why would he want to be the only bloke there? Why don't you see that she just doesn't want him there, and I don't blame her tbh x i don't think that makes her spoilt!!

NoSleepInTheHeat · 01/12/2020 13:46

@Alethiometrical

I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child

When you are ready to tell them, tell your parents. Give this to them as good news, wonderful news ! and don't mention in any way your sister's wedding.

If your parents start to go on about the timing and your sister's wedding, then try to stay very calm. Let them talk themselves into a corner, if they do ...

Let them tell you what they think.

Oh, and don't try to trump your sister's wedding with stuff about "first grandchild." Just ask them to join you in your happiness and excitement.

Please don't play your sister's game of demanding that everyone else treat you as though you are the most important person.

Very good advice. Don't raise your pregnancy as an issue. If your parents say it is problematic ask them what they think you should do. As it is I don't see how you could attend, if you are still pregnant it is too risky, if you have a newborn you either leave him with a sitter (no way I would do that) or take him when you know he isn't welcome and you will be blamed if he cries or even gets too much attention.

hadenoughnegativity · 01/12/2020 13:50

You need to let them know of your pregnancy now. It's not their fault that this date/location booked will coincide with their birth of your child. No one trumps each other. Both events are very important. You will likely not be able to go but you can assess that closer to the time. On this occasion, and I know you will be anxious, but I would tell them now before your scan.

EmilyinWolverhampton · 01/12/2020 13:52

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think the best thing is to talk to her and tell her that you're pregnant (when you're ready to do so), rather than try to predict her response.

Bitching about her not wanting her dad at her hen party is a bit unreasonable, would any woman want their dad at their hen party?

Hardbackwriter · 01/12/2020 13:55

I don't understand why the sister is getting so much flack on the thread? I know she has a history of being difficult and I know the OP anticipates her doing that again, but she hasn't actually yet done so - all she's done is rebooked her wedding at a time that she has no possible way of knowing won't actually be possible for her sister.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/12/2020 13:57

Mothers are only put under the care of an Ob-Gyn when the pregnancy is deemed high risk. And I know, from carrying a full-term pregnancy having already sustained four miscarriages, how frightening, worrying and stressful as well as joyful a time this can be.

There is no way in the world I'd take the risk of travelling so close to my due date to a remote area an hour away from the nearest hospital and three hours away from my own consultant. Zero. None. No matter what I felt about my sister, that baby would come first.

I'll put my head on the parapet and say you'd be unreasonable if you actually went, OP. A wedding pales into insignificance in comparison with the life and wellbeing of your much-wanted baby. Not least your own.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 13:58

Yep dont worry about it until after your scan. She wont need to finalise numbers until closer the time so you wont be costing her money. Someone else will happily buy the room off her or the hotel will refund as you're still cancelling in plenty of time.
Once you know baby is happy and healthy share you lovely news. It's likely people will say "oh when are you due?" And you'll say the end of June "oh no, what about DSs wedding." Then just feign surprise "oh yeah, aw we wont be able to go, we'll either have a tiny newborn or I'll be ready to pop any second. Shame but we're excited for baby"

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2020 13:58

@Momma2bee

Yes that's correct they told her would be dropping off stuff then staying for a short while but my sister was unhappy and kept asking my dad to leave, I am trying to get across that she is blunt she will kick off She isn't a bad person we don't not get along she is headstrong doesn't take well if she isn't the centre of attention it really upsets her/ if she isn't happy she'll vocalize it

Did you know that she would be rescheduling for sometime next year?

I understand why you haven't told anyone yet, but she hasn't really had a chance to arrange it not around your due date.

Congratulations btw

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2020 13:59

@Hardbackwriter

Exactly.

And if she realises how high risk her sister is, she might even not kick off about it.

Notonthestairs · 01/12/2020 14:02

I don't think the Op is upset that the wedding is planned for close to her projected delivery dates - just that she's worried that she will upset her family that it won't be practical to attend. She's worrying about their feelings rather than complaining.

I agree with the good advice not to connect the pregnancy & wedding. They are two happy events.

I'd suggest a family lunch after the honeymoon so that you see photos and wedding/delivery catch up.

HamishDent · 01/12/2020 14:06

I wouldn’t go in your position OP.

I would just announce it as you would have done anyway (without mentioning the wedding). Then decline the invitation separately.

Personally I wouldn’t go in with the expectation your sister will be a angry, however i would be prepared for her to be disappointed. This year has been bloody awful for a lot of things, wedding plans included and she has already had her plans disrupted. She may well feel your announcement is yet another thing to go ‘wrong’ but will quickly come to her senses and realise it’s lovely news and be very happy for you. Just let her have her natural first reaction (whatever that is) and get her head around it.

AlexTheLittleCat · 01/12/2020 14:07

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I wouldn't risk being near a hospital at near term, especially if you are consultant led. It will probably be fine but it isn't worth the risk if anything goes wrong, sometimes there are complications. I wouldn't want to attend a wedding just after giving birth either. Just tell her you are pregnant and that unfortunately you won't be able to attend the wedding and wish her a lovely day. Sometimes life works out like that, timing isn't always perfect!

Lucked · 01/12/2020 14:15

Do distance selling rights come in to this? It might be she can move the date free of charge for 14 days.

However the 12 week scan is the dating scan so makes sense to have that before announcing anything. Tricky!

I went to a wedding very late in my pregnancy but the venue wasn’t that far from a hospital- not my own hospital but I figured it would do in a pinch. Even driving that far was a bit of an issue as I was very sore afterward.

I don’t think I would have gone if overdue and could not have left a baby that young as it took six solid weeks to establish good breastfeeding. An option is your DH comes but stays in the room and grounds with you popping up to see them in between bits of the wedding. We once took my SIL to a wedding and she stayed with DS in our room up stairs but he was a bit older.

Mamabear12 · 01/12/2020 14:21

I would just let them know ASAP. Babies can come any time. If it’s too close to your due date and far from hospital don’t attend. Although; labour usually starts off sleep early on and you have some warning before baby comes out (usually a few hours at least!).

Original poster

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 14:23

Just to clarify some points:
its a rainbow baby- baby after a loss
I am under consultant based care
my sister verbally told me the new date , rebooked me in the accommodation, didn't give RSVP option or invite etc. at the time we had no heating and issues with electrics in our house , and my other half mums and dad are both in hospital one in intensive care, I have worked full time in a community job through covid so didn't put two and two together, we didn't know I was pregnant either at that time when it was rebooked

when I found out was very nervous due to loss
With my dad I was trying to show that she sometimes she's quite blunt
A better example would be that she can kick off, once she was gifted a designed purse Mulberry and kicked off as it was her main present , she expected more her birthday(not from me , but I think that's a good example to show that if she aint happy she aint happy and she'll let people know)
That said she isn't a bad person she is just very head strong and will bring others in if she is not happy about something
My other half has also expressed a bit of concern about how she may react
I have no issue with not going and I am happy she has rebooked what would make me sad if she had a go at me and made it an issue
like I said she didn't ask me to come to the second date she told it me and booked us in, with the reaction you 'wont be doing anything else' and my mum saying 'of course you'll be going'

OP posts:

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