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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

231 replies

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 11:14

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

OP posts:
Badbackbernie · 01/12/2020 12:41

You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I went to a relatives wedding out of duty when i was full term and I hated it.

Announce the pregnancy after your scan, you’ll probably get asked straight away when your due and just be honest.

2bazookas · 01/12/2020 12:43

Wait up. You need a little time to get your head round this.

Wait a week until you've had your scan, and if all is well tell your parents in stages Wonderful news, having a baby. Let them be happy then tell due date. Then tell them about your previous loss.
Then let your parents work it out, of course you can't go to Sisters wedding, and let them break it to her.

  Here's the bottom line. Her wedding day is  your sisters great happiness. Birthing  your  baby is your great happiness.  You can both  be happy for yourselves and  each other.

   She will miss you at the wedding, but you not being there is not the end of the world and won't ruin her wedding. 
    OTOH, for you to go to the wedding hugely pregnant, stressed out, maybe go into labour/be out of phone signal etc.  could put a huge dampener on her day (and your parents, and  everyone else.)
     Having you there tired and hormonal with a newborn ,  would  focus  all the family attention on your baby rather than SIS and the wedding;  also a huge dampener on her day.
     The answer is for both you and sis to accept  its in nobody's  interst to try and combine these two huge happy events;  so keep them separate.  Just relax and enjoy. You've got a lifetime to catch up with each other and  share all the highlights of both.
Original poster
Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 12:43

Yes that's correct they told her would be dropping off stuff then staying for a short while but my sister was unhappy and kept asking my dad to leave,
I am trying to get across that she is blunt she will kick off
She isn't a bad person we don't not get along she is headstrong doesn't take well if she isn't the centre of attention it really upsets her/ if she isn't happy she'll vocalize it

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/12/2020 12:46

Yes that's correct they told her would be dropping off stuff then staying for a short while but my sister was unhappy and kept asking my dad to leave,

They can't just decide to be invited into someone's home. Did she ask them to bring wine over or did they decide themselves?

SlippersForFlippers · 01/12/2020 12:48

Just tell her you can't go due to due date.

MedusasBrandyButter · 01/12/2020 12:49

Definitely give your family the baby news first, as soon as you can. Delay the conversation about the date implications until later so the two can't be linked.

thecatsthecats · 01/12/2020 12:50

@user1471457751

I've never heard of the bride's dad being invited to her hen do. No wonder your sister didn't want him there. Did you have your dad at your hen? I don't know why you even see that as an issue.
Yes, this is a good example of something that needs filtering out of the frame of decision making.

Of course she's not unreasonable for that.

Cut down to the core, sister has booked a new wedding date not knowing that it's near enough impossible to guarantee the OP's attendance.

Leave the rest out of it.

Original poster
Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 12:50

@slashlover they where invited by the maid of honour who arranged the party , they bought the wine etc. as gifts didn't drink it or anything
they where meant to be there

OP posts:
EvilPea · 01/12/2020 12:51

Congratulations Flowers

Another just decline, no apology, frame it only ever as a good thing, it is a wonderful thing.
I was also early with my first and emergency c section which wiped me out for a good few weeks after.

Backtotheplanetofthegrapes · 01/12/2020 12:53

I agree to wait until after the scan then calmly decline the invitation, as too close to due date, then keep a low profile to not take attention away from bridezilla’s big day!

Can someone else use the reserved accommodation?

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2020 12:54

Just tell her (dont text!), say you are really disappointed you cant make that date and would have loved to have been there but it wont be possible.

If she kicks off. Leave/hang up.

Alethiometrical · 01/12/2020 12:56

I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child

When you are ready to tell them, tell your parents. Give this to them as good news, wonderful news ! Flowers and don't mention in any way your sister's wedding.

Keep the two things separate. Because they are. And try not to "borrow trouble." Go into the conversation with the sole thought that it's wonderful news for you, and you hope they'll join you in being happy and excited.

If your parents start to go on about the timing and your sister's wedding, then try to stay very calm. Let them talk themselves into a corner, if they do ...

If they go on about you and your baby being a problem, repeat it - calmly - back to them: "So me not being able to attend a wedding (a social occasion) is a problem that's of more importance to you than my pregnancy?"

Let them tell you what they think.

Oh, and don't try to trump your sister's wedding with stuff about "first grandchild." Just ask them to join you in your happiness and excitement.

Please don't play your sister's game of demanding that everyone else treat you as though you are the most important person.

crankysaurus · 01/12/2020 12:56

Congratulations, hope all goes well for your pregnancy.

I'd also wait till your scan then announce when you're ready, and don't let the clash upset or detract from your happy baby news (because it sounds like she'll have a strop). I'd emphasise that you're very happy for them but practicalities won't work with you either imminent or with a newborn, but maybe you could celebrate with them sometime after the wedding. I hope she's able to be happy for you.

AIBUA · 01/12/2020 12:56

First babies are often late, so you should be able to attend all being well.

I'm wondering how many 1st labours you have had so far? 😁

AuntyFungal · 01/12/2020 12:57

So you’ll be over an hour away from A hospital, not your local hospital.

& you’ll be consultant led due to pregnancy risks.

So, if you needed to deliver at A hospital, do they have the specialism you need?
How is DH going to visit you?
What if you’re in longer than a standard delivery or C section delivery?
Are any relatives nearby?

Nope - not worth the risk.

Either you’ll be huge & uncomfortable, stuck in a car for 3+ hours each way. Probably too ‘baby full’ to enjoy the nosh. No drinking. Sat in a hard upright dining chair.
Or, post partum bleeding, sore, trying to feed (whichever way), trying to manage the drive with a new born.

Not worth the effort & uncomfort.

& if your DSis is as volatile as you say - either way you’ll be ‘stealing her shine’. Pregnant or newborn.

JillofTrades · 01/12/2020 12:58

This is such an important time for you, don't let her ruin it and make you feel guilty about anything. Just turns out to be clashing dates but there's nothing you can do about that. Don't even go overboard apologizing to her.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2020 13:01

I would tell her face to face after your scan. Certainly wouldn't go to a place in the middle of nowhere with no phone signal. And three hours drive away.

murbblurb · 01/12/2020 13:01

sounds like a perfect pregnancy to get you out of the next months of hell as Miss no-life makes it all about frilly frock day.

she wasn't to know of course, but you can't be there. Send a present and heave a sigh of relief.

2bazookas · 01/12/2020 13:04

@Momma2bee

thanks Cinderella she is a very dramatic person don't want to make her sound horrible but she is very blunt person very headstrong and she will articulate when she is annoyed bring others into things Im happy for her to have got another date at her chosen venue for next year my concerns are how to tell her and if she reacts badly which isn't unlikely how to handle the situation
That's exactly why she won't want you stealing her thunder on her wedding day; either because everyone's worried you're about to strat labour or because you're clutching an adorable newborn first grandchild who is the centre of attention.

Just imagine, worst scenario; newborn howls through the ceremony , you're trying to breastfeed in the front pew/ top table all the aunties grannies and mothers are trying to help you, you're in tears because you haven't slept , you're sitting on a giant bruise and stitches and your breasts are aching and flooding. Nobody notices Sis doing her vows/ grooms speech/ first dance.

  Trust me; the last thing a heavily pregnant woman or a newborn  needs or enjoys , is  two three-hour car journeys.
LumpyPillow · 01/12/2020 13:06

You don't need to feel ANY guilt for not having told her already, it's your baby, your body, and choice. If she dares to question why you didn't mention it, like others have said DO NOT SAY SORRY. it's your choice at that point to let her know why you wanted to wait and if she doesn't have the basic understanding for her sister, then she's not reasonable at all.

You can spend your life letting yourself be second best to your sister or choose now to move past it and move forward in life. Sister and parents can continue to make you feel 'less than' if they do wish but people like that have no real value. You will never get what you want from you whilst you dance to their tune and always put your life, needs and things second.

No one that is normal and mentally stable would accuse or ever think someone has tried to get pregnant on purpose to ruin/upstage their wedding etc if that's what you're thinking she's going to say. Only massive twats think the world revolves only around them and their wedding. If she is one of those, fuck it? Feel no guilt! Never apologise, be firm, make it known you are your own person with your own standards and needs.

slashlover · 01/12/2020 13:06

@murbblurb

sounds like a perfect pregnancy to get you out of the next months of hell as Miss no-life makes it all about frilly frock day.

she wasn't to know of course, but you can't be there. Send a present and heave a sigh of relief.

What exactly has the sister done wrong to warrant this level of animosity?
LadyFlumpalot · 01/12/2020 13:11

Honestly, she's your sister, unless there is a massive backstory here then just tell her.

Phone her, don't message her, and just say "I haven't told mum and dad yet, I've just found out I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I was going to wait til the scan to tell everyone, but as your wedding is the same time as baby is due I thought I'd better let you know sooner rather than later. I'm really sorry, I don't think I'll be able to make the wedding."

So many things can be made so much easier with just a gentle and honest chat.

rhowton · 01/12/2020 13:13

Just okay it by ear. I went to my friends 30th birthday in Cardiff at 38.5 weeks pregnant because I felt fine and thought if I have any signs of labour, I can drive 2 hours home. If you do have a newborn, then hopefully they will make provisions for you to bring the baby.

Yeahnahmum · 01/12/2020 13:13

....
Just decline the freakin invite then. And tell her your pregnant
Or ... just play it by ear and if the time comes and you dont wanna go : you dont! You have a good bloody excuse.

You and your sister aren't close so whatever you decide will be fine.

Conkergame · 01/12/2020 13:13

OP are you sure she won’t just be really sad not to have you there? I have to admit I’d be absolutely gutted if either of my siblings missed my wedding, whatever the reason! Not saying that you should go, just that it’s perfectly reasonable for her and your parents to be upset about the clash.

I think it was a bit unfair of you to let her book that date knowing you couldn’t be there, although I do understand the reluctance to tell her given it’s a rainbow baby.

I reckon share the happy news about the new family member, make it clear you’re gutted not to be able to make that date. You never know, she might rearrange so you can be there - I would have done this if it was my sister.