Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

[Momma2bee]

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

What unfortunate timing. Nothing to be done except play it by ear. You might drop a month early and be babe in arms by the big day or you might still be pregnant and if so personally I’d still aim to go as most labours are long long long and you’ll have plenty of time to get home whilst contractions are mild and if not is it really the end of the world if you end up at a different birthing unit? Or labouring in the bridal suite bath tub!? I say this as someone who gave birth upstairs whilst the full family Christmas was going on below. If you happen to be someone who has a speedy labour you might end up having it at home anyway....the first rule of birthing plans is don’t expect anything to go according to the birthing plan. Once you embrace the ‘what will be will be’ attitude you’ll be far more relaxed and less anxious when the plan starts to derail.

From the other side of this - my SIL was due about 10 days before our wedding (booked prior to us knowing she was pregnant). Beforehand it was always a loose agreement that they would come if she could, but we would fully understand if she couldn't make it. Baby (first child) made a late appearance and she actually went in to labour the morning after our wedding so left the venue first thing and her husband drove her home the 4 hours with her in the early stages of labour! Baby daughter didn't arrive until late that night. They were very relaxed about the whole thing but did have a route plan including all the possible hospital stops on the way home. It was so lovely that they made it, but I really wouldn't have been at all annoyed if they felt they couldn't. You need to make the decision you are most comfortable with, and it sounds like your sister wouldn't be very happy with a 'see how things go' answer, which makes it trickier.

The quickest route to alleviate your anxiety would be to tell them about the pregnancy and previous miscarriage before the scan, I think.

I would not consider going to a wedding so close to your due date. You will either be pregnant or have a very tiny baby.

Give them the information and let your sister decide what to do about the date.

@Momma2bee I was invited to a wedding 1 week before my babies due date in a location over 4 hours away. We pulled out last minute (bride and groom knew we might do this and we're 100 percent ok with it) due to my not being able to face the journey.

My daughter was born at exactly the moment the happy couple made their vows and was announced in the speeches! I'm SO glad we never got on the train!

I think tell them now and, if you can bear to, tell them about the one you lost. Tell them not to tell anyone else until you have had the 12 week scan.

Hopefully they will be understanding and kind.

So after your scan you tell them your news and due date and tell them, sadly nether of you will be able to attend.

Simple!

You just can't go, there is simply no way round it, you'll either be heavily pregnant, you can't drive to a remote location, 3 hrs away from home, you could even end up going into labour at the actual wedding, or you'll have a very young baby. Just no.

Get the scan out of the way, tell your parents and sister the 'good' news so you get a bit of positivity, and then maybe a week later tell them you can't go to the wedding. No 'sorry s', nothing, don't apologise. It's just the way it is. If you could afford it, it might be a nice gesture to offer to cover the cost of the room, if they can't fill it. But any negativity, just walk away, you'll need your partners back up on this too

She may even change her dates after you've announced your pregnancy - if it's important to her to have everyone there.

If you were my sister I’d try to move the wedding so you would be able to attend. Have a chat with after your scan and see what she thinks.

Good luck!! Tell your mother first after the scan. Then immediately phone your sister. Do not leave space in the conversation for apologies or for her to kick off.

Mum: I am delighted to tell you that I am pregnant. We are a bit nervous as we lost a baby last year so we waited until the scan before sharing our news. I can't believe the timing, especially as we did not try before Katie's original wedding but it does look very unlikely that we will be able to go to Katie"s wedding. I know she will be disappointed and I am feeling totally hormonal about it, but please be kind and don't make me feel any worse..

Katie: I have some lovely news to share and some bad news... I am pregnant but the baby is due the week before your wedding so I don't think we will be able to come. I am really sorry but I am afraid this really was in the hands of God. I am so sorry we will miss your wedding and will do whatever we can if it's possible but it might have to be via Skype from the hospital! I can't really talk now as I am exhausted but I will call you at the weekend.

Don’t say anything until the 12 week scan and then make your announcement. Let her know in front of other family that as the wedding will be around your due date you and dh won’t be able to attend but you wish her all the best. I bet she’ll at least try to move it back a tiny bit to have a cute flower girl / boy but even if she doesn’t at least you’ve done your bit in the least dramatic way possible.

I would try and enjoy the moment of telling your family your news, and truly try and live that moment. It's a very special time. Like previous posters have said, if your mum or sister immediately mention the wedding, I'd smile brightly and say 'oh, I think we'll be a BIT busy!' and smile again. It shows Their true colours if the wedding, if which you are not a main part of, trump's your baby news.

Just point out nicely, that it’s too close to your due time and you wouldn’t want to risk having your waters break at the wedding or have to decline due to a brand new baby at the same time. THEN ask if the best man could set up a video link for you so you could at least feel involved. That would be a nice gesture I think.

[quote Grobagsforever]@Momma2bee I was invited to a wedding 1 week before my babies due date in a location over 4 hours away. We pulled out last minute (bride and groom knew we might do this and we're 100 percent ok with it) due to my not being able to face the journey.

My daughter was born at exactly the moment the happy couple made their vows and was announced in the speeches! I'm SO glad we never got on the train![/quote]
Oh this is just so lovely.

@FromTheAllotment

Gently, but firmly, decline your invitation. Let her down as easily as you can, but far better to be completely clear and upfront that you will definitely absolutely not be able to attend, and let her get used to that, than to spend the coming months waiting and seeing and being undecided and having it hang over you all. You can’t do a 3 hour drive and a wedding if you’re in imminent labour, nor can you with a week old baby. Just no.

That.

You will not be able to go, full stop. Even your sister can see that.

I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.

Just tell them.

There is literally nothing else you can do. You can't stop the baby and its unreasonable for them to expect you to attend with or without baby in any possible situation.

Its not like you decided to get pregnant just to fuck up her plans 11 weeks ago is it?

@Momma2bee

Yes that's correct they told her would be dropping off stuff then staying for a short while but my sister was unhappy and kept asking my dad to leave, I am trying to get across that she is blunt she will kick off She isn't a bad person we don't not get along she is headstrong doesn't take well if she isn't the centre of attention it really upsets her/ if she isn't happy she'll vocalize it

If she doesn't not like being centre of attention, she certainly won't be thrilled if you do go to her wedding. All the other wedding guests will know you've having/just had a baby, there'll be lots of congrats for you & your OH, and if you take your baby, she'll just think you've done it to upstage her on her day

IMO, I'd tell her sooner rather than later that you can't go & if she kicks off/gets funny, go low, very low contact. You do not need these types of people in your life making you worry about what you do, what you say. From here on in, your baby comes first. If your parents side with her, again, low contact, why bother trying to please people who don't give two fucks about you?

It isn’t your fault the due date and the wedding coincide – you didn’t time it like that on purpose. It isn’t her fault the due date and the wedding coincide – she didn’t know you were pregnant.

I don’t think you should plan to try to go or decide at the time of the wedding, for the obvious reason that (unless you’ve already given birth) it will be intensely stressful and potentially unsafe for you and your baby. But it would also be pretty stressful for your parents and sister too – what if you actually did go into labour at the wedding, and things moved fast? There’s no more guaranteed way of taking the attention away from the bride! I also don’t think being there with your newborn would be ideal for either of you, for similar reasons.

But – and this is just me – I would tell her and your parents, in total confidence, now, rather than wait for the scan, even with your history.

@Squidwitch

I would try and enjoy the moment of telling your family your news, and truly try and live that moment. It's a very special time. Like previous posters have said, if your mum or sister immediately mention the wedding, I'd smile brightly and say 'oh, I think we'll be a BIT busy!' and smile again. It shows Their true colours if the wedding, if which you are not a main part of, trump's your baby news.

I think this is needlessly antagonistic - I would at least say that it was a shame/that I was sad/etc that I couldn't make it. Again, I know the sister has form but if OP goes into the conversation assuming the worst and doesn't seem at all like she cares about missing the wedding then she's not giving the sister a chance to do better, and she's going to make herself look unreasonable for no reason.

My first baby was a week early. He took hours to arrive, but the pain was all in my back so sitting in a car was absolute agony. If I was 3hrs away from a hospital I would have made it but it would have been physically & mentally traumatic. Wait till the 12wk scan & then RSVP no, it’s not worth it & a normal sister would be disappointed but should understand. Covid is to blame, not you.

@ChateauMargaux

Good luck!! Tell your mother first after the scan. Then immediately phone your sister. Do not leave space in the conversation for apologies or for her to kick off.

Mum: I am delighted to tell you that I am pregnant. We are a bit nervous as we lost a baby last year so we waited until the scan before sharing our news. I can't believe the timing, especially as we did not try before Katie's original wedding but it does look very unlikely that we will be able to go to Katie"s wedding. I know she will be disappointed and I am feeling totally hormonal about it, but please be kind and don't make me feel any worse..

Katie: I have some lovely news to share and some bad news... I am pregnant but the baby is due the week before your wedding so I don't think we will be able to come. I am really sorry but I am afraid this really was in the hands of God. I am so sorry we will miss your wedding and will do whatever we can if it's possible but it might have to be via Skype from the hospital! I can't really talk now as I am exhausted but I will call you at the weekend.

This is really good OP. Clear and not passive aggressive at all.

OP - congratulations on your pregnancy.

Don't create monsters that may or may not come true about your sister's reaction.

She is understandably excited about her wedding. AND could easily be a bit inwardly initially jealous that she will have to share the attention as her sister is pregnant.

That's not uncommon - 100 years ago my chief bridesmaid chose to pull out because she was pregnant. I was inwardly gutted but put a smile on my face and got over myself.

Congratulations. I would wait until the scan as is your prerogative. Then tell your parents the good news that you’re pregnant. Then explain due to a past miscarriage, you now know you have a medical condition, which puts you at high risk and as a result are under a consultant. The consultant has told you for your / the baby’s safety, you must stay as near to the hospital as possible in case you need medical assistance.

You are therefore blaming the situation to circumstances and the consultant for not being able to attend the wedding. This then becomes your boundary. If your parents react the way normal parents would, you could then ask for their help to broach this with your sister. If anyone kicks off after that explanation, they are real arseholes.

I'm sorry if my post sounded antagonistic, I didn't mean it that way. I just wonder why a sister would not be included in the wedding party in any way, and I don't think op is at all looking for trouble, but is worried about her sisters reaction. Off course she will be sad to miss the wedding, but if when you announce a pregnancy, the first thing you say afterwards is 'sorry' I think that moment will be forever marred. I meant wait and gauge the reaction, but have your response ready

If I were getting married I would be very upset if my sister wasn't there and would want to work around her. On that basis I think it is a bit rubbish that you didn't say anything before she booked the new date, you didn't have to disclose the pregnancy you could have told a white lie.

Equally if I were getting married my sister is one of the people I would really want to have there so I would want to explore what could be done to make things work. I would likely be upset if she couldn't come even though I would be over the moon about the pregnancy, so be gentle if her reaction is mixed.

That said my best friend couldn't go to her brother's wedding, it was abroad and she was in her third trimester. She watched via webcam from home and everyone was happy. This would be so much easier with modern tech now.