Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

231 replies

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 11:14

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

OP posts:
Felifox · 02/12/2020 19:19

Congratulations on your pregnancy. When you've had the scan go and tell your dm about your pregnancy and what your consultant has advised. Say it's a shame that you will miss your dsis's wedding day
Then leave them to tell your dsis.

Diva66 · 02/12/2020 19:44

If they are not extremely happy for you then they are selfish tw*ts. Of course you don’t want to attend the wedding in these circumstances, no sane person would.

Congratulations x

Motherofatruck · 02/12/2020 20:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and best wishes for a smooth pregnancy and safe delivery. Honestly, just stop worrying about something that may or may not happen. Agree with Sushi "There's no problem until there's a problem". Don't get all worked up about things that haven't even been said. Announce your pregnancy when you are ready, have a frank conversation with your sister and just see what happens. You don't even need to officially tell your parents you won't be going to the wedding unless they're the ones organising the catering! Just share your happy news... I'm sure they'll figure it out. It does sound a bit like you're expecting the worst from all of them which does seem a bit unfair, especially as you've repeatedly stated that your sister isn't a nasty person Hmm

Mitzimccormack · 02/12/2020 20:41

My first baby arrived less than 2 hours after my first contraction. Nearly born in back of ambulance. You cannot be expected to commit to an event 3 hours from civilisation 2 weeks either side of your due date. Your sister sounds a bit (very) self centred but even so she should be expected to understand that. My first followed a miscarriage, and I went on to have another 2, all 21 months apart. So all the best and please don’t let anybody spoil this for you and your partner. X

Caterinaballerina · 02/12/2020 20:50

Would it be worth telling a white lie about the due date? Maybe saying it’s a few weeks after the wedding and letting the booking stand and going along with the idea you will be attending? Then if your baby comes ‘early’ you can just drop out very last minute? Save all the months of aggro? But then to keep the peace that way you’d have to accept paying for the accommodation.

CrankyFrankie · 02/12/2020 20:59

I would just say that I will be there if I can but I (obv) won't be able to commit to anything. If you've already had the baby and you want to be there then there'll likely be no reason why you can't make it. But if you're still (very) pregnant by then, it'd be totally understandable if you didn't want to be 3 hours away from the hospital/home. Also your date might change by up to a week when you get the scan. Congratulations :)

WhoseThatGirl · 02/12/2020 21:09

The longer you leave it the worse it’s going to get. She probably can’t be mad at you for being pregnant so she is going to make it about ‘why did it you tel me straight away?’. Let her know ASAP and be prepared for a lot of drama.

pollypot123 · 02/12/2020 21:11

We were invited to a 70th birthday party for a dear, dear friend in Bristol (about 3 hours away from home). I was adamant I wouldn’t go but nearer the time felt comfortable about it. Popped the car seat and the hospital bag in the boot, just in case, but no dramas and my baby ended up being two weeks late so I was worried for nothing! Don’t decline the invitation, keep your options open as you never know how you might feel nearer the time. Any I’m sure your family will be delighted for you, congratulations!

nowishtofly · 02/12/2020 23:29

@jwpetal

You cannot control how your sister will react. Only she can control that. There is a difference between someone, who is blunt and someone, who is not a nice person. If she reacts badly about your pregnancy news, I would say that she is not a nice person. The fear you are stating in the emails says it all. Yes, I said fear. You have a partner and you are building a family. Decide what is best for you and your family. Stand by that. if your sister kick's off then you know who she is. I hope she proves you wrong. do not let her bully you. You are your own adult person. Congratulations and take care of yourself.
This.

You can't control how your sister will respond, but you can control how you deal with it. If she is giving you a hard time about your baby's birth clashing with her wedding, don't stick around to listen to it. Say 'you're stressing me out, it's not good for the baby". Put down the phone, leave the room. Don't be guilt tripped on this one. Be prepared to fall out, your baby is more important than your sister.

Just from my own experience, the last thing I wanted in the week or so before or just after birth was to be further than around ten minutes away from home. Don't be pressured on this. It is cruel and unrealistic to expect more from someone around their due date.

As an alternative strategy, if you think it will be easier for you, play along, agree with everyone that you'll be at the wedding, then at the last minute, oh dear you can't make it because you have had to go to the hospital for [your excuse here]. Personally I would stop pandering to your sister but you might just want up to have an easy life during your pregnancy and say yes yes yes to the crazy expectations knowing that you will renege at the last.

okokok000 · 02/12/2020 23:44

It's no ones fault.

As you're consultant led and have unfortunately had a prior loss personally I would not risk travelling if I was overdue as I unfortunately know from experience that being pregnant and miles from your hospital if things go wrong is vey distressing and can add an extra unwanted layer of mental distress.

I would tell her you can't attend sooner rather than later, although with a prior loss it's hard to know when you'll feel comfortable. She may get upset but you need to do what is best for you.

Mamanyt · 03/12/2020 00:04

Politely decline, tell your mother why. Since you'll have the 12 week scan very soon, you can wait until then. I have a feeling from what you have said, your sister may take the attitude that you planned this to upstage her. Don't let her get to you. Walk away!

DreamTheMoors · 03/12/2020 07:04

“Anyone who’s looked into a newborn’s innocent eyes should realize how incredible it is to be blessed with a new life.” — John Kennedy

You’re having a baby!!! What’s more important than that??? Don’t hand over too much power to either your sister OR your parents! This is your time too, and your baby absolutely comes first. The fact is, your sister’s wedding is only going to be a lasting memory for the happy couple, just as it is for every pair of newlyweds.
But your baby is a joyous thing for the entire extended family and should be seen as joyous. I changed my wedding location so that my 8-months-pregnant sister could be my matron of honor. My niece is now 42. Her birth was the REAL celebration and it should be the same for your family.
Please, @Momma2bee - don’t let your family push you around or punish you or bully you into feeling guilty. No!!! Do what you have to or what you think is best and be kind. Let the chips fall where they may. I hope you’re pleasantly surprised and I hope your family is ridiculously happy for you - as they surely should be.
This is such a blessing. Don’t forget to smile!
Congratulations. And much love.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/12/2020 07:07

You will just need to tell her you absolutely can’t make it. Maybe tell her on her own and have a quiet convo about how lovely it will all be but it’s just one of those things that can’t be helped either way.

princess68 · 03/12/2020 11:29

Congratulations!

If your baby is due end of June and the wedding is not till first week in July, you will have most likely had the baby. I was induced after being 2 weeks over. So even if you were induced, you will have the baby by mid-June, before wedding most likely.

I would let your sister know, I'd like to be there but, if you don't want baby there, then I won't be there, as baby will need you, she can give the room to another guest or keep it for you just in case. Leave the ball in her court, to decide what she wants to do. She could accept that it can't be helped and still want you to be there or continue the wedding without your presence. As you said you don't mind if she doesn't cancel/change.

Unless, you can find someone to care for baby and express milk for child carer/nanny for the day, If you really want to be at the wedding yourself.

Alternatively you could be there for just part of the day so you don't feel left out and your sister will appreciate that you were there for part of it than not at all.

justicedanceson · 03/12/2020 11:44

Congratulations!
Keep to the mantra clear is kind. Don’t prevaricate. Say due to your due date you won’t be able to attend. You’re sorry to miss the day but you know it will be a wonderful celebration and you are looking forward to seeing the photos. You’re sure she will understand.
Then do.not.engage.
Don’t negotiate going to some and not other bits.
Don’t get into discussions about distance to hospitals.
Just keep replying “ah yes, it’s just one of those things. You’ll have such a great time. You must be excited Smile”

Repeat.

And also
DO NOT ENGAGE.

Clear is kind.

RightYesButNo · 03/12/2020 12:06

Announce your pregnancy and then decline the invitation. If she is as you say, the favored golden child, she will either be upset that you would have too much attention at the wedding because you had a tiny baby or because you’d be hugely pregnant. You are her sister yet she didn’t make you a bridesmaid so I don’t think this is a terribly hard thing to get out of; you’re turning down a “regular” guest invitation. And if she says ONE word about you being selfish for getting pregnant around her wedding date, please tell her that you could not guarantee when you would get pregnant again after your previous loss. I would hope she’s not bad enough to say anything but, enh. She does sound a bit of a self-centred arse. I’m sure once she’s pregnant, of course all family plans will need to revolve around her and her comfort. Maybe question how healthy this family dynamic really is for you, if your parents are treating you as second-class to your ungrateful, spoilt sister.

PerveenMistry · 03/12/2020 12:33

@MissisBoote

I think you should just leave it open. No need to rock the boat this early. I attended my dad's wedding with my 10 day old baby and it wasn't really a problem. Family were delighted to see our daughter and even though it was pretty tiring, we just left when it was polite to do so.

Once you've shared the news with your family I'm sure they'll be delighted. Your sister might be a bit pissed off but there's nothing she can really do about it. If you give notice that you're not going then it sounds like it'll be forever held against you.

I agree. No need to tie the pregnancy to the wedding at this early stage. She could need to postpone again for all we know.

FestiveChristmasLights · 03/12/2020 13:42

@princess68

Congratulations!

If your baby is due end of June and the wedding is not till first week in July, you will have most likely had the baby. I was induced after being 2 weeks over. So even if you were induced, you will have the baby by mid-June, before wedding most likely.

I would let your sister know, I'd like to be there but, if you don't want baby there, then I won't be there, as baby will need you, she can give the room to another guest or keep it for you just in case. Leave the ball in her court, to decide what she wants to do. She could accept that it can't be helped and still want you to be there or continue the wedding without your presence. As you said you don't mind if she doesn't cancel/change.

Unless, you can find someone to care for baby and express milk for child carer/nanny for the day, If you really want to be at the wedding yourself.

Alternatively you could be there for just part of the day so you don't feel left out and your sister will appreciate that you were there for part of it than not at all.

The end of June is on Wednesday the 30th, then there are two days before it’s the weekend. So I’m really not sure of your logic.
LizzyA123 · 04/12/2020 12:19

Congratulations on your impending new arrival. Just curious as to why you haven’t told your Mum and Sister about your miscarriage, wouldn’t they have been a support to you? You need to tell them ASAP Hopefully they will sympathise, be overjoyed for you and yes probably a bit miffed that you’ve inadvertently “stolen your sister’s thunder.” She’ll get over it and it will be two lovely events for your whole family to look forward to after a miserable 2020.

sue20 · 04/12/2020 12:33

Gosh. This post has so many points thrown up.

  1. Of course Dads shouldn't attend a hen do. Unless the person has no female friends.
  1. You absolutely need to wait until you are comfortable, assured, and announced regarding the pregnancy before even thinking about any of this. It's the main thing. So much anxiety!
  1. Do first babies tend to come late? Hmmm be careful with even nurturing this assumption. It's pointless. You won't know. Mine arrived 5 weeks early in the middle of a half plastered bedroom. I was relieved that our broken down car meant we had earlier cancelled a holiday 250 miles away in the middle of the countryside. We would have been there when I went into labour. Plus she was premature and needed a bit more attention.
  2. Don't even think about sister wedding, yourself first! Relax.
mantlepiece · 04/12/2020 15:45

I think your sister must be a very optimistic person by booking her wedding for next July. There is more chance than not that restrictions will still be in place. Especially for large gatherings.

On the upside, the birth of your baby will still be allowed to go ahead!

FTMF30 · 04/12/2020 16:00

@LizzyA123

Congratulations on your impending new arrival. Just curious as to why you haven’t told your Mum and Sister about your miscarriage, wouldn’t they have been a support to you? You need to tell them ASAP Hopefully they will sympathise, be overjoyed for you and yes probably a bit miffed that you’ve inadvertently “stolen your sister’s thunder.” She’ll get over it and it will be two lovely events for your whole family to look forward to after a miserable 2020.
Why does she NEED to tell them about her miscarriage? It's her body and possibly her grief (people deal with miscarriage in different ways). If she doesn't want to tell them she doesn't have to, no matter the relation they have to her.
tallduckandhandsome · 04/12/2020 16:06

erm, I don't think OP's coming back, she disappeared Tuesday afternoon.

ConcernedAboutWarrington · 04/12/2020 16:09

This is really easy - just own it.

Tell family about your wonderful baby news. And then in the next sentence just say 'so given the timing we've decided we won't be going to DSis wedding. There are just too many variables to consider. So we're going to bow out now so that it's easier for everyone. Of course we hope it's a wonderful day and we'll look forward to the pictures.'

That's it - don't say anything about dates / 'might not be able to make it' or whatever. Just gently but firmly own it and move on.

Then it's up to them what they do with that information.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/12/2020 10:31

@tallduckandhandsome

erm, I don't think OP's coming back, she disappeared Tuesday afternoon.
I hope everything is ok
Swipe left for the next trending thread