To wonder how the hell to raise well behaved children

[theantsgomarchin]

I have one DS and am pregnant with DC2. I have worked with babies for many years, but my time on MN is making me increasingly concerned about how the hell I raise my own children to be polite, well mannered and well behaved children / adults.

My parents were wonderful but very much hands off so can't say if necessarily follow their lead with similar results (they raised 4 well behaved children who are now all relatively high achieving adults) but the sceptic in me just thinks that's bloody good luck (to which they whole heartedly agree, we've had many hilarious conversations about it over the years)

But come on MN help a girl out. What parenting style do I take to ensure my kids aren't, for want of a better word, horrible little shits.

Two children, raised the exact same way by the same parent, can end up with completely polar personalities.

Whilst it's probable that the children have different personalities, I think it's a big mistake to think raising two children the exact same way will produce the same results.

I agree with others that you have to parent the child in front of you. And that doesn't always mean the same. My two boys are polar opposites, when they were small we had to use different strategies for each of them because they responded to different things.

Now they are 19 & 22. They are both kind, loving, thoughtful, polite, confident, funny and independent. Never given us a moments worry. A real joy. We didn't parent them the same but the end results are the same.

Children are individuals and need treating as such, even if the 'base rules' are the same.

There’s a good piece here on these four different parenting styles and their effect on kids. www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

I think something really important in this is to work as a team with your partner. Of course this includes talking through your limits and rules but a part of that is also not undermining them in front of dc.

So in your toothbrush example, if your husband gets in first and says yes of course you can take the toothbrush, go along with it this one time. Then later on when toddler is in bed you can say look dh it was a real pain you letting ds take his toothbrush to the park, I don't want him getting in the habit of taking random things out which then get lost/broken/we end up carrying about and you agree how you're going to play it in future.

The reason I say this is because I had real form for doing similar to my dh and he pulled me up on it - I had to admit he had a point as it made it look like he had no authority and wasn't an equal parent. Having said that, I felt in some cases he was too lax and made me constantly look like the 'bad cop'. By talking it all through he agreed to tighten up on areas I felt were important like bedtime and I eased off on others and was a bit more relaxed. This way we present a united front which works for both of us and dc.

Boundaries, clear and well expressed expectations, model good behaviour yourself, lots of love and even more luck. And a daily prayer that they don't fall in with the wrong set of friends.)

@Hesnotlocal

But... //hoiks judgy pants up with real examples// I’m astounded by the lack of respect some of the parents of my eight year old’s classmates will tolerate. So: coming out of school, throwing their belongings at them, being impolite or rude (“Oi, where’s my food?”, not answering a question even vaguely politely etc) and no feedback - my kids might do that, but I insist on a please or say “excuse me, who do you think you are” or “you can have a snack once you’ve answered my very simple question - shall we go x or y way home”. Just one example but I see it at other times too.

Whoever wrote the above has clearly been very lucky with their DC. As pp have said, it's important to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had (or want people to think you have). I think it's also important to parent according to what you want to achieve for your child which is not always what makes you look like the better parent to onlookers. My DS quite often comes out of school behaving exactly as described above. He is very immature for his age and tends to be quite over excited as he comes out of school. I could stop him in his tracks and pull him up on how he has spoken to me, but this would not get through to him in his over-excited state and would draw attention to his immaturity to the other children. Other parents would see that I don't think his rudeness to me is acceptable but DS would probably over-react and be judged by his peers. Instead I say nothing at the time and start walking home, After he's had a few minutes to calm down we discuss what happened and how he would like to be spoken to etc.

I really dont think they have been lucky, just that they dont tolerate that behaviour.

I dont understand why you would walk off round the corner, rather than deal with your child there and then.
Surely its about modelling and the expectation of appropriate behaviours.
Yes he can be excited but that doesnt mean running into you/ grabbing snacks or whatever he does?
So firmly ask him to calm down, ask politely etc
If he doesnt then straight home/ firmly into the car with no snack/ park and the reason why and how he is expected to behave.
Remind him going in to school what you expect at pick up.

Something else I used to do with boundaries, if we were doing something fun like swimming I would plan when we needed to leave and I would tell the dc we had to leave 20 mins earlier. They would negotiate staying later and I would agree 15 mins, I'd always show them the clock and say where the arm would be.
When they again asked for more time I'd say 5 mins but then we have to be quick getting dressed.
They would leave happy thinking that they had got extra time, and dress quickly, I would be happy that we'd left when I planned.
They also learnt that when I said we had to leave now with no leeway they wouldn't push or I wouldn't give them extra time in future.

Listen to them
Do not give them everything they want
Advise them
Manners
Please and thankyou, lots of parents don't even say this themselves
Respect where they live and the world around them
Boundaries
Teach them from a young age how to do things, there are enough lazy children in this world, don't make yours another one.

My DC are still quite young (so I won't get too smug yet!) but they're noticeably polite compared to some others their age and are often complimented on it. They can be feral at home so I'm not saying they're angels but mostly they never let me down in public. Modeling is so important, I went over the top with "please and thank yous" with them and they've learnt to do the same. I put a huge amount of effort into consistency. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate hitting/biting etc (came from a violent household myself so it was my absolute redline) so when they were in those phases I was ON TOP of them and corrected the behaviour every single time. Even if I was feeling lazy/couldn't be bothered etc I'd still force myself to be consistent with boundaries and I always do as I say, so they know if I say "do that one more time and we're leaving" we will actually be leaving and they generally stop whatever it is.

That's the biggest difference I've seen between mine and their slightly more rebellious friends - the parents often give a lot of empty threats and use bribery. Depends on the child too of course, I think mine are naturally more placid and have never been the hyperactive types - that's just luck/genetics as I was a similar child apparently.

Generally if you're polite, calm and kind (but firm) they'll follow suit.

Be nice to them, respect them as people.

Also make sure you model respect for yourself - which means prioritising your needs over their wants, and not being afraid to do this, or feeling that the child/ren are paramount at all times. Boundaries and self care are important.

I don't think the actual parenting "style" matters as in it isn't really important whether you're full on Jo Frost Naughty Step/Sticker Chart Supernanny, or family democratic meetings and everything being a constant discussion/negotiation, or something in between. As long as you have the above two things, you won't go far wrong.

Choose your battles and set you absolutes.

Please and thank you are absolutes in our house.

Sometimes the small battles slide over winning the important one but be consistent

I read French Children Don't Throw Food by Pamela Druckerman and it gave lots of insightful tips. I will read it again when DD is 18mo !

Please, thank you, and importantly - hello and goodbye. Have boundaries, but freedom within those boundaries so kids can make choices.

No begging, pleading, bribing for good behaviour. That's my biggest pet hate, to see parents begging their 5 year old, repeatedly, to do something basic. That 5 year old knowing they rule the roost. I also see the way some treat their parents when they come out of school, the dismissiveness, the eagerness to please for fear of embarrassment from the parent. I see a real shift in behaviour and the expectations of children these days and I honestly think some children believe they are the adult in the household.

That was long! My only goal with my daughter was to talk, and to listen. Since she was a baby, all through toddlerhood. Talk about family, surroundings, your day, the birds in the trees, the clouds in the sky. And then listen. About who was Elsa at break. What their favourite colour is. What they think of lunch. Read books, go to the woods, cuddle endlessly. Because it's gone in a heartbeat. I'm a firm parent, not her friend, she knows there are rules, but she also knows she is so, so loved and treasured, no matter what.

Boundaries and consistency. Boring but worked for me!

I dont think bribery is a problem . I got a 23 and 25 year old and never had hardly any bad behaviour and they were no problem in their teens.

Children need two things:

Love and boundaries.

That’s all. Enjoy your children. They will feel it.

Hmm. I think I've just been lucky. My kid is an angel compared to what I ever was!

I've always taught her the importance of being polite to others. It used to be, have you said please? Have you said thank you?
As shes got older, I've tried to explain reasonings for things to her, I've often asked what her views on things are, what's the best outcome for x,y, and z. I've given her the opportunity at a fairly young age to look outside of her own feelings and standing to try and understand others.

I'm often told that she is a lovely child to be around who is polite, helpful and considerate. I cant wholeheartedly say that it's all down to our parenting, shes just a good egg, but she also knows that if she was to be a little shite, she wouldnt get half of the things she has. Shes always been rewarded for the good things she does. Even if it's just small things, she knows good behaviour gets her somewhere.

I think a lot of it is down to good luck and the temperament of the dc. Mine were easy dc and all were/are well behaved even the two with autism. I rarely had to discipline any of them and a raised eyebrow would be enough. Dsis who worked so much harder at being a parent had children who were hard work and they never seemed to learn from the past so she would be constantly going over stuff that she had been over multiple times previously.

By parenting your child according to their personality, respect them As a person, do not use them to showboat or keep up with the joneses. Make sure they’re happy and secure. Make sure they know you’re their safe haven. Pick your battles, don’t kick off. If you don’t like their clothes, music, hair etc teach them good values by living those values from the get go. Teach them to value kindness, love and respect for themselves over money and material things by doing this yourself.

Teach by example, act respectfully and mannerly and they are more likely to follow suit. I only have to raise an eyebrow and the three year old knows they’ve forgotten a please or thank you and says which one they need to. Be kind yourself, but yes, firm. My teens all tell me I’m firm but fair, that’s what I aim for too.
When they are young - never threaten a punishment you are not prepared to follow through with, and do so. I remember walking out of B&Q years ago with my daughter screaming like a banshee and flat like a board of wood in my arms, everyone stared but everyone is not important, your child is. They need to know to do what they are told (I also teach mine there is always a reason why I’ve asked them to do something and they may ask, it’ll never be just because, but they do have to do it.) They also need to know - utterly -that you love them, with words and actions.