To wonder how the hell to raise well behaved children

[theantsgomarchin]

I have one DS and am pregnant with DC2. I have worked with babies for many years, but my time on MN is making me increasingly concerned about how the hell I raise my own children to be polite, well mannered and well behaved children / adults.

My parents were wonderful but very much hands off so can't say if necessarily follow their lead with similar results (they raised 4 well behaved children who are now all relatively high achieving adults) but the sceptic in me just thinks that's bloody good luck (to which they whole heartedly agree, we've had many hilarious conversations about it over the years)

But come on MN help a girl out. What parenting style do I take to ensure my kids aren't, for want of a better word, horrible little shits.

To be honest, if a child is taught manners, right from wrong, how to say sorry, and how to care for themselves (gradually, giving them age-appropriate tasks, so you don't end up with an 18yo who can't even work the dishwasher or make a bed) you're doing a good enough job.

Be there for him physically and emotionally while encouraging him to make his way in life and make his own choices where safe to do so.

Yes Wokes that is a very good point.

Teach them the basics very young eg. manners, so please, thank you, excuse me etc.
Teach them to sit nicely at the dinner table.
If you tell them off tell them why. Kids are smart, if they understand why something is wrong it makes more sense to them.
Tell them you love them every day, and be fully present when you are with them e.g. if they are telling you a story, listen, don't surf your phone.
Have their back, so they know that whatever the problem you're there for them.
Praise them, and reinforce positive behaviour over and above constantly bringing them down for naughty behaviour. Think about how you would feel at work if every good piece of work you did was ignored, but a huge song and dance was made every time you messed up.
Understand that a tired hungry small child is going to have a tantrum, and in those circumstances just manage the situation without resorting to punishments or having a tantrum yourself. We've all been there! Get them home, and fed, and have a cuddle.

All of those have helped me, but the most important one is love them, and make sure they know they are loved. A child that feels unwanted acts up. A child that isn't listened to acts up. An unhappy child acts up. It's about attention, more than anything they want your attention and if they way to get it is to be naughty, then they will be naughty.

DS is 18m and very independent and happy. He is quite delayed speech wise (says a few words but not where he should be)
He is 18 months , at 18 months my ds didnt really have a lot of words. The friday before is 2 nd birthday , he swallowed a dictionary over night and started spouting new words all day long. By 5 his vocabulary was a year ahead and had receptive grammar of an 18 year old. This was his type of development, cant do it one day and an expert over night. He would get very frustrated for about 2 weeks before a developmental leap, like he was working it out in his head first.
He did see a SLT for a while because his language wasnt clear.

@theantsgomarchin

DS is 18m and very independent and happy. He is quite delayed speech wise (says a few words but not where he should be) but I've discussed concerns with GP and we are on a long waiting list to see SLT. Unrelated to behaviour but thought I'd give all the facts. We plan on having 3 children if we are lucky enough!

Have you been referred for a hearing test?

Sorry, not what you were asking but it’s something which should have been done.

Kids are never going to be perfectly behaved at all times. The how to talk so little children listen is a really good book.

Most of what they learn from you is not what you consciously do, but from the example you set in how you behave. So if there are things about yourself you do not like, (temper etc) work on that rather than trying to 'fix' your kids.

What parenting style do I take to ensure my kids aren't, for want of a better word, horrible little shits

It's not rocket science. Have rules and boundaries and stick to them, is the main point. Say NO and mean it and don't back down. Insist on manners from the start and always, always... TALK. About everything and anything.

I don't claim to be the world's best parent but based on observations from friends whose children are rude, disrespectful and ill mannered:

• boundaries - create them, stick to them
• routines - children thrive from routines and it helps them manage their time and expectations
• sleep - lack of sleep accounts for so many problems.
• pull them up on bad behaviour especially to others - it's very infuriating watching a child speak to an adult or another child like crap and nothing being done about it
• this one is very important - make them know your feelings, your time and your experiences are important as well as theirs. Have them see you as human, not just MumBot. Let them know your passions and interests. Otherwise you will end up being invisible to them.

Having firm boundaries and sticking to them. I've been the parent dragging the kicking screaming child out of soft play / the park more than once. I am not scared of saying No. If they tell me they hate me, that's fine I know they don't and often I'll say "then I'm doing my job right!"

My children are teens now and they are all well behaved. They are absolutely not perfect but they're great kids. Manners are non negotiable, I still pick them up on it, even the 18 year old and most definitely the 14 year old. Rudeness is also non negotiable, it gets picked up each and every time as is lying.

I tell them they'll always have my back but only if they're honest with me.

I also tell them to treat people as they want to be treated and reinforce this time and time again.

I try and pick my battles too so that I'm fighting the ones which really matter and I tell them every single day that I love them. It seems to have worked

I seem to be strict but fair if that even makes sense e.g yes you can stay up later but if your grumpy in morning it won't be aloud again. You have to mean what you say no point saying it otherwise. My kids are fairly well behaved not perfect but no major concerns they have freedom but know there boundaries and know if they push these there will be some sort of punishment e.g no screen time. Manners have been learnt from a young age and there always told they have lovely manners if they forget to say please/thank-you I just remind them.

*It's luck.

I have one very compliant dc and one not so compliant!

For example

"Time for bed"

Dd. Yes mummy
Ds. So unfair, I hate you, can't I stay up for ten more minutes. None of my friends go to bed this early*

Yes but how do you respond to this? My older DS would argue too (DD less so). But other people would perceive him as well behaved, because argument or no, he's in bed at 7pm and he stays there.

I’m a strict but lazy parent. I set boundaries and insist on manners and good behaviour for kids but never threaten punishments as it takes too much effort to see them through. It seems to have worked for mine.
The other things I’ve always consistently done is take them out a lot in all weathers and get them involved in chores (less for me to do).
They’re teenagers now and seem to be fairly well behaved with a good work ethic.
I do believe in what a pp said is to parent the child you have. My dcs often need different parenting. They’re different people and have different interests and issues so we work with that.

Teach them that no means no! Carry through threats and only make them achievable, not ones you will go back on. Firm but fair with them. Teach them to thank you for simple things, every night ask them to say thank you for my lovely dinner before getting down, thank you for the lift to swimming etc! Infuriated me when visiting children didn't do that.

boundaries for sure. Also don't be over-disciplinarian. Talk about issues and give time out (time to calm down) rather than punishments. Praise good behaviour. Do have some boundaries - don't let kids get away with everything, remember you are in charge, but it's not about being a strict disciplinarian. You have to treat your kids with respect and they will in turn model your behaviour.

Completely off topic, but is 18m and only being able to say a few words really delayed speech-wise? A quick google tells me that it's normal by 18m to only have a vocabulary of 5-20 words! Both my children were like this (had just five or so words at 18 months), then suddenly had a language explosion at 20 months and had more than 60. Eldest son had over 300 words by the age of 2 (youngest is looking like he will do the same). And they're only supposed to have 50 words by age 2. Don't worry :)

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I don't think our examples are the same. I'm talking about being 14 years old and not being allowed to change from BBC1 to ITV when the programme finishes or I'd be grounded, or being fed food that made me actually vomit just because I HAD to eat everything, including foods I'm intolerant to and give me digestive issues etc. I would then have diarrhoea and be grounded for using too much loo roll.

Firm boundaries and appropriate and consistent sanctions from an early age. If you cannot 'control' a four year old there is no point trying to put boundaries in at 11.

Then, really listen, praise often, spend time with them, chat to them, observe them. Support them if they are in the right, do not support them if they are in the wrong, explain to them calmly why you can't support them. Encourage personal responsibility, promote education and instil (by example) a good work ethic. Show them that they are loved for who they are, give them security and stability. A home with laughter and fun in it.

Parent them, don't pander.

I have four sons and one daughter ranging from 36 to 23. All of them have professional jobs and good degrees. However, more importantly, they are all kind, thoughtful and self-aware.

Two or three instances of unacceptable behaviour stand out in their growing up.

One - a lady knocked on my door and said my 11 year old had used bad language to her. We don't tolerate that in our home and he hadn't learned it from us. I spoke to him about and he shamefacedly admitted it was true as she had shouted at him in front of his friends (quite aggressively apparently) to stop pulling at bushes as he was looking for his football. I didn't in any way condone it or make excuses.

I had her address and I made him take all his pocket money, go to the local florist and buy flowers and then I took him and his friends to her house and sent him to make a grovelling apology whilst his friends listened in. He is 36 now and he still talks about that incident and how it taught him a lesson in personal responsibility that he has never forgotten.

In all the instances I have dealt with over the years I have listened, assessed, made a decision on how to proceed, communicated that decision calmly with an explanation of why, and then followed it through. We began this process from a very early age and were consistent in approach.

On a couple of occasions when they had detention slips for 30 mins I asked for that to be increased to an hour reinforce the fact that we backed the school and to send that message loud and clear.

It is much, much, easier to stand back and go with the flow, but like with everything, you do reap what you sow.

Start early would be my advice.

Get them out in the fresh air at every opportunity. It works wonders for everyone's mood and is a habit that will help them for life. You might not like the idea of wrapping up head to toe in waterproofs when the weather is awful but most kids love it (although be prepared for the usual 'I don't want to go out', 'I just need to do something else', 'can't I have my insert name of screen instead'. I find fresh air and exercise really helps with behaviour and am surprised how many parents never spend time with their kids outdoors. There's a reason schools and nurseries swear by it. I love to go out with my DD10 for a walk and it's when we have our best chats. I think there's a theory that it's easier to talk about difficult stuff when you're not sat face to face, so sat next to each other in the car or out walking can make it easier for them to open up.

I think the number one thing to make sure that the other parent is completely onboard and supportive

For years I was the bad cop and my husband the good cop and I felt awful really unsupported and quite angry

He’s learned and they don’t mess us around so much because they know that we are in agreement and have similar expectations

Mine have their moments but are 3 and 4 years old. At the moment we are working on their manners and modelling saying please and thank you and being kind to each other. Most of the time they manage quite well but it is a work in progress. I think being on the same page as your partner helps in relation to discipline and not undermining each other. We have firm boundaries and consequences but realise that this is something we have to stick to longterm.

@SmallestInTheClass I agree re the fresh air. Both my kids whine about big dog walks at the weekend but once they are out there they love it. Beach in winter is their favourite.
It helps build non screen time in too.

Routine, repetition and consistency is where it's at. Also trust and expectation - as soon as they can perform daily tasks expect them too. Teach responsibility.

Don't spoil them. Show them the value of things and allow them to appreciate the small things in life.

Lots of love, cuddles and actively telling them how much you love them and emphasising their skills and talents.

Insist on manners and good hygiene. It's non-negotiable.

I think one of the keys is being consistent in reminding when behaviour slips - eg picking up on not saying please & thank you each time, reminders about using knife and fork, tackling any rude remarks etc etc.

Also, keep in mind that you're teaching your children how to live in the real world and so there are certain things they NEED to learn to do, even if they kick up a fuss and it seems easier to do it for them. For example, wiping themselves after using the toilet or settling themselves to sleep without your constant presence. Otherwise they will get to a point where those things are prohibitive to what they want to do - for example school trips, or friends' birthday sleepovers.

I have a few children in my life where these things haven't been tackled at the right time and now they are pressing issues as they are 10, 11 etc.

Only robot children are well-behaved all the time. But a spot of bad behaviour is a lot more tolerable if the child has good manners.