To wonder how the hell to raise well behaved children

[theantsgomarchin]

I have one DS and am pregnant with DC2. I have worked with babies for many years, but my time on MN is making me increasingly concerned about how the hell I raise my own children to be polite, well mannered and well behaved children / adults.

My parents were wonderful but very much hands off so can't say if necessarily follow their lead with similar results (they raised 4 well behaved children who are now all relatively high achieving adults) but the sceptic in me just thinks that's bloody good luck (to which they whole heartedly agree, we've had many hilarious conversations about it over the years)

But come on MN help a girl out. What parenting style do I take to ensure my kids aren't, for want of a better word, horrible little shits.

The worst are wet parents who let their kids treat them like shit because they are scared the child “won’t like them”.

I find this very helpful, I aim for authoritative. Most of us are somewhat prone to either permissive or authoritarian methods.

Firm boundaries like not taking the toothbrush to the park, learning it isn't about making your child happy but getting them to abide by rules whether set by you, school or societal ones.

In my DC's old school playground there is a low wall with several big yellow signs along it saying do not climb. How many parents do you think let their child climb over that wall every day in full view of the teacher who is stood at the school door? Why does that rule not apply but all the other rules do? You cannot pick and choose like that.

Consistency, what they cannot get away with today they cannot get away with tomorrow because you are tired of arguing. Redirect and distract rather than saying no all the time.

They need to learn respect, as PP mentioned the number of children who just throw their school bag at their parent/grandparent at school collection is unreal. Not just respect for adults but respect for other children and their boundaries.

Also the way they talk to you and the way you talk to them, listening, understanding that this thing is important to them. Modelling behaviour, apologising when you are wrong even if it is a contrived thing with you and your Dh so they see it, lose well in games.

Re his speech delay, talking to him, modelling language, repeating back what he says rather than correcting. So if he said wowwypop you would say yes a lollipop. I have briefly done some SaLT stuff with children, but older children who have formed habits of speech.

No empty threats or promises.
Firm boundaries from the start means you can relax them as they get older but they’ll know that you’ll follow through with consequences.
Respect goes both ways but remember that you’re there to guide and direct them so, sometimes, they have to accept what might seem unfair now because of how it affects the future.
Engage them in conversation, listen, respond and adjust your responses for their age and understanding.
Read a variety of parenting style books and pick what works for you and your circumstances - no single method is universal as everyone’s situation is nuanced.
Personally, I’m not there to be their friend. That’s what their peer group is for. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly and have a fantastic time.
Explain why you’re doing things a certain way and don’t be beaten down by the whinging or tantrums or incessant nagging. It doesn’t make life easier in the long run. (That circles back to firm boundaries from the start.)
Hopefully, your partner will be as actively involved and you can, for the most part, be united but that also takes time and effort to keep communication ongoing between you.
Expect to fail spectacularly at times but learn from it and try something else. If your children can see how you learn from your mistakes, how to argue and reconcile, modelling the behaviour and outcomes you’ve aiming for, all the better.

I researched parenting styles a lot and use my own take on respectful parenting, my DS is 5 and now he is a genuine pleasure, well mannered, kind boy. I feel like I've won the lottery. But it's taken a lot to get here, and I feel sad about how I used to parent as it obviously didn't suit him.
That said, I parent my daughter exactly the same and she's an absolute firecracker, horses for courses. Some littles are just more spirited

It could just be luck - like having a good sleeper!

My DS has very good manners and can be charming, helpful, kind and confident .... outside the home , he is mostly well behaved at home but had his moments, especially around the early teen years.

I agree with others, modelling good behaviour, strict boundaries, being a parent (not a friend), constant reminders - if necessary - about please & thank you, writing thank you letters etc etc. Not buying latest gadgets, designer fashion etc so that children grow up 'expecting' expensive gifts without understanding the need to work and save for things.

But it might all be just down to luck & genetics, you never really know ... I only have one child so I can't compare him to anyone else I have raised. Both DH and I have always worked in customer facing roles so we are very much geared to those sort of strong inter personal skills - maybe it's rubbed off on our DS .

You have to find out what works for you, and your kids

I have lived in many different countries, with very differing attitudes to children! In South America there were no rules, no bed times, no vegetables, kids are spoilt rotten but most were actually nice and not bratty. Not sure how that works

In Holland kids were treated as autonomous almost-adults. Rules,vegetables, early bed times, but no punishments or harsh rules. I used the adult-like approach on my teens (asking them “what would you think reasonable?” )

In the U.K., I find the parenting style much more authoritarian, lots of “threats” and “punishments” (if you don’t wear a coat, you are not allowed to play with your friends) which personally does not suit me, but I think English kids are generally nicely behaved so I guess it works for most

You’ll just have to find your own style. Mine was a mix of laid-back with some non-negotiable lines in the sand

Teach them manners from an early age. So many children don't say please or thank you

Oh and - although this might be unpopular - I am against tech for young children. I’ve never seen a child younger than 12/13 whose behaviour is not worsened by a smartphone or gaming. iPads for learning are different but again (IMO) should be closely regulated.

I read Toddler taming and followed their mantra , reward the good , stick to your word. They learn boundaries.

I think the three most important things are:
Choose your expected behaviour and stick to it. Boundaries are so important

Ensure they always know they are loved and accepted

You're a parent, not a friend

Bluebellcockleshell, yes the 2 choices thing! I still use that for my teens (shall we look at your personal statement this evening or is Saturday better? ) instead of “when on earth will you finish your Ucas application”)

Works for toddlers and teens!

Be consistent and don't allow them to speak badly to their siblings. Also treat them with respect as well. If you don't treat them with respect they are not going to treat anyone with respect either. Good luck op

Expect them to say please and thank you everytime at home and also make sure you also say please and thank you when talking to them.
This way, the manners become a reflex and your child won't have to "think" about being polite.

Constant prodding and reminding to mind your manners in those crucial early years, especially when outside of the house. My SIL comes across as insanely strict, but the kids are sweet, happy, confident kids because they know the boundaries and they know what's expected from them.

My two (5 and 7)have their moments but they have lovely manners and are just lovely in general.
I just asked them why they were this way and the answers came back 'because you're a lovely woman' and 'because I have such a happy life'. 😍😍😍
I realise this is of no help and I'm just showing off. I have friends that I think are much better mothers than me but their kids are total horrors so I think it's just luck.

Mine are now adults and I can have a sigh of relief that's they've turned out OK.

I think - like everyone else - how you behave has a big effect. Your children will talk back to you how you talk to them. Friend's children who heard 'Don't be so (effing) stupid' and other insults later complained her children spoke to her badly.

One of my (I think) successes was to not give them 'enough'. It is very tempting to give our children all they want to make them happy. For my two it meant they worked hard for school qualifications and got temp jobs before university (great for life experience). Unlike other parents (they were privately educated) I didn't buy them a car - which they complained bitterly about. However my DD saved up for a car of her own - and when we picked it up she was so proud of herself and it that she said 'I never thought I'd say this, but thanks for not buying me a car' (she was 21 at this stage).

I think a lot of it is modelling from a young age, DS says please, thank you, excuse 'scuse me, sorry etc largely unprompted and he's two next week. If they are constantly surrounded by it, it's what is normal. I agree with pp it's a balance of freedoms to try things out and boundaries so they know where they stand and feel safe. Peppa pig is banned in this house (very poor manners) and none of us watch a huge amount of TV so messages/influences come more from people he knows and books which tend to have a gentler, kinder feel than some children's TV.
Never ever let them watch kids unboxing things on YouTube, a recipe for ungrateful materialism.

My eldest was almost 3 when he started talking. My youngest a lot earlier. They are both polite, well rounded individuals who have done extremely well in education. As well as boundaries, fairness and respect I would also say emotional intelligence is a big one. Learning compassion for those less fortunate and being grateful for what they have. I've seen too many kids demand and get what they want. Mums getting them expensive items that are taken for granted. Let them recognise the value in things and not be seduced by outside influences.

Being open and honest and letting them express themselves without any judgement enabling them to confide in you.

I've brought my 2 up as a single mother. Many times I've had people say what lovely boys I have and they are a credit to me.

I do agree that being their parent and not their friend, but you do see a lot of parents who treat their children like they don’t really like them.
One thing I feel is important is adjusting and seeing the difference between what you don’t want to happen vs. actual naughty behaviour eg.
Little kids get bored in shops and want to run around and hide (or whatever); little kids want to jump in puddles; they take ages to walk anywhere etc etc - that isn’t naughty behaviour to me, and so he didn’t need telling off for that. I think that helps with the consistency approach as well.

I think a lot of it is in their nature. So I often think people with one child who has always been placid and well behaved shouldn’t give advice about dealing with bad behaviour because they got really lucky and not all kids are born that way! Some are naturally more strong willed than others and kids like that need really firm and consistent boundaries. Also, I think you need to enforce rules while they’re little because it’s easier training them to do/not to do something when they’re still learning the rules than it is to allowing them to get away with something until they hit a certain age then expecting them to do/not do it anymore.

The hardest thing is keeping on top of it. You have to repeat yourself over and over for years. Once they are behaving well, don’t stop reminding them if they slip a little because as they get older they seem to forget more often because you think “ok they’re independent” and you start to get in with other things. I focus very much on the look after each other, talk, share and think how you speak and behave towards others. Sadly as they get older they experience more rude adults

It’s definitely not luck as it’s bloody hard work to be consistent and fair but firm etc. Though genetics and nature DO come into it a lot with regards to how a child acts.
The PP who said connection was key had it spot on IMO. Yes you can make a child do things but you can’t make them WANT to- so some grow up toeing the line but the moment they have “freedom” make all the wrong choices and not nice people. Brocade they didn’t ever want to be but they just acted in the right ways.
Raising a child and having a connection with them helps you to shape them and build their own morals. Explaining your rationale isn’t a bad thing but people say “why do you need to justify your choices to your child. You’re the adult” etc. But it’s not justifying for me it’s rationale. And as a child grows you help them build their own trust in themselves and their ability to make good choices. Respect and love and trust.
Firm boundaries create security but explanations help cushion the boundaries to feel like boxing ring supports with a bit of give to push against safely rather than brick walls to crack against and hurt yourself.

Mine are teenagers (16 and 14) and a young adult (22). My advice would be:

Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. I had non negotiable such as teeth brushing, manners, eating at the table, kind hands and words. Other stuff not so much - want to wear wellies, tights, a swimsuit and a tutu to nursery today? Really? Ok but you’ll need a cardigan as it’s cold.

When they’re toddlers limited options - do you want the red socks or the blue socks? Not “which socks do you want to wear today”. Strong boundaries.

You’re an adult, they’re a child. They are not in charge, you are. That doesn’t mean they can’t contribute, have opinions and choices, but ultimately they need to know that they’re not the boss. Young children can’t cope with that much responsibility and decision making, it’s scary and shouldn’t fall to them. They need boundaries and guidance.

Be their parents, not their best friend. That’s not your role, especially as they get older. Of course you can be friendly and close but encourage their own friendships.

Laugh with them. Own your mistakes. Apologise when you’re wrong. Let them see you’re human too.

Love them unconditionally. You are their safety net.

Bollocks to it being by chance. That is an excuse to not try or undermine the effort parents put in raising dc.

You need to walk the talk so they have a role model.
You need to re enforce it. You keep telling them how they need to behave and what is good behavior. You pull them up on it when they have been less than. You apologise when you get it wrong. You give them love and attention so they dont act out but if they do act out then you dont cave in or get sucked into it. You need to remember that you are the adult, the guide, the mentor, the source. If your young dc are shits, it's your fault. Not ADHD, not Autism. It's your fault.