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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your relationship is like with your MIL/DP’s mother?

238 replies

Lila653 · 30/11/2020 19:28

Wondering whether the stereotype of woman struggling with mother in law is that true in reality. What is your relationship like? And has it changed over time? By stereotype I just mean it is often portrayed in TV/film.

I think I started off in a better place with MIL than I am now - several years down the line I find more and more grating/irritating, probably unfairly in some ways! Is this normal?

DH doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents so maybe this has something to do with it!

OP posts:
TwinMumSuperHero · 30/11/2020 19:32

Terrible :/
We just smile politely to each other now mostly for my husband every few months (pre-covid)

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 30/11/2020 19:32

Met mil a year into our relationship( as her and dh had recently patched up their relationship) ..
She was keen for us to spend time together.. Even telling my dc she wanted to be dgm.
We had a dc and she backed away very strangely..
Our relationship ended when dc was 3 months old.. She dumped dh also. No row, now big announcement..
6 years on now.
Strange woman.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/11/2020 19:33

Great. She's lovely, adores our kids and whilst occasionally comes out with somewhat tactless statements, I like her a lot. I've always felt welcome in her house. Dh and I have been together a month shy of 21 hours.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/11/2020 19:33

Years...not hours

We're self isolating and it's been a very long day.

user1493413286 · 30/11/2020 19:35

She’s great and I consider her a friend as well as my mil; sometimes I have to push back in terms of boundaries around our DC but I know everything comes from a good place.

MimsyBorogroves · 30/11/2020 19:35

Great. Haven't seen her for 5 years.

Grin
FTEngineerM · 30/11/2020 19:35

DP and I have been together 5 years and one DC.

She treats me like a daughter but since DC I’ve found her VERY overbearing telling us what we can/can’t do and thinking she knows absolutely everything baby related.

It’s something I know I should get over but I just can’t it winds me up.

DiesalFive · 30/11/2020 19:35

I love my MIL, she's a lovely person.

Draining though, as she is a massive talker and literally has no idea how to listen, but I have a lot of love and respect for her. She bought up an amazing man in DH :)

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/11/2020 19:37

Loved mine, she sadly died a few years ago. She was a lovely, kind woman. For many years I had a better relationship with her than my own DM.

LunaHardy · 30/11/2020 19:37

Generally I really get along with MIL. She's great with the kids, kind, helpful and generous. I do find at times though she doesn't know when to keep her opinion to herself. Apart from that she is lovely and I think I got lucky with her, hearing other people talk about their MIL's.

Itsyoouu · 30/11/2020 19:38

Love her she can't do enough for me but always asks before she does anything I might find overstepping

MillieEpple · 30/11/2020 19:38

She is a good grandmother and a supportive mother. I get on fine with her and enjoy her company. i really value that my DH has somone else to value him thats on his side because that makes her on my side too as it were.

Mangofandangoo · 30/11/2020 19:38

We've had our ups and downs but generally he get along. We are very different though but we don't accept each other for that

Mangofandangoo · 30/11/2020 19:39

Do accept! **

TheFuckingDogs · 30/11/2020 19:39

Great, she just nipped round and left homemade cake on the doorstep!
Been in my life 15 years and we have never had a cross word. We respect each other’s boundaries but I also realise if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have dh! Think so many on here are overly antagonistic with MIL

PigsInHeaven · 30/11/2020 19:39

We’re very different people, and I’m not at all Appropriate DIL material as far as she’s concerned — DH is the youngest of a large family, and all the others who married in sort of go along with her as matriarch and do a lot of bustling about — but it’s fine, she’s DH’s parent, not mine, I’m not wildly family-minded, and my mother can be equally trying in a very different style.

LionLily · 30/11/2020 19:39

Well I'm 36 years in and still the only thing we have in common is that we both love dh. I always said that if I had met her in any other context, perhaps a work environment, I would have steered well clear. She is most things I don't like in other people. The weird thing is she would say I am one of her main supports, and I admit that when the chips are down I'll be there for her.

What makes it very much easier is the absolutely surety that if I needed to put dh in a position to choose between us then he would unhesitatingly choose me, even if it meant going no contact with his mother. Knowing this, and knowing that in a power struggle I would come out on top, means that I never have to play those games. Knowing that I could is enough.

Ynwa12345 · 30/11/2020 19:41

H and I been together 17 years and at the start we really got along well but then I was a people pleaser! But now it's really awkward and realised she's not the woman I thought she was. Selfish, not nice to kids etc also H and her aren't close at all but I tried to be the good little daughter in law! I am polite but that's it I don't divulge too much. She thinks she can throw a bit of money and thinks she gm/mil/mum of the year...

Calmandmeasured1 · 30/11/2020 19:43

Mine is no longer here but was a lovely, intelligent and kind woman who everyone liked. She was a brilliant mother and raised a wonderful son. She never interfered in our lives but was there with sage advice when asked for. I wish she was still here.

BigFatLiar · 30/11/2020 19:43

Hadn't met his mum until we'd been seeing each other for a year. His parents came down especially to meet me as I was away when they previously came down. I wasn't a great cook but enjoyed cooking and baking with bf. He suggested that his mum show me how to do scones properly as mine turned out like biscuits. It was a bit strained at first but after some baking we got on really well. He later admitted that he only suggested the scones as otherwise I may have spent some time getting quizzed. She was like a second mum to me and would side with me if there was a disagreement. She died only a couple of years after we married.

rottiemum88 · 30/11/2020 19:44

My MIL is lovely. Not opinionated, overbearing or interfering. Comes to see us most weekends (support bubble) and is always happy to spend time with DS and generally just goes with the flow. I find her a much easier character than my own mother. DH isn't particularly close to her though as he's always felt (somewhat justifiably) that she prioritises the feelings of his brother and sister.

loutypips · 30/11/2020 19:46

Well the new DiL feels exactly the same as I do...

Rae36 · 30/11/2020 19:47

I don't like mine, never have. I think she's manipulative and always gets her own way no matter what. She's caused a lot of upset over the years but her family still pander to her like she's the queen. She's not very interested in me or the kids but pretends like she is the most devoted grandma ever.
She's now got dementia and spends a lot of her time crying and I find it very hard to feel anything for her. Which is strange because I volunteer with older people with dementia and find it very easy to be kind and patient with them. I feel nothing for her. Shame.

BertieBotts · 30/11/2020 19:47

We don't see her very often as we live in a different country. DH tends to do video calls to her with DC alone or I'm around but not really participating.

Juanbablo · 30/11/2020 19:47

It's good. We get along well and she's very helpful in lots of ways. I don't have my own parents so maybe I appreciate her more.