I used to get on great with my MIL, and she is basically a lovely person, but I think we have just spent too much time together as over the two years prior to the start of COVID she stayed with us for three nights per fortnight to provide childcare for DS (her request).
I am grateful for the amount of help she has given us and love that she has a very close relationship with DS, but unfortunately I now find being around her very difficult.
I think that in part it's just a basic incompatibility- like a partner that you just realise over time that you don't like as much as you first thought, but of course I can't actually dump her and move on, so the irritation just lingers. The essential problem, I think, is that we have very different conversational styles. She likes to communicate emotions and will fill space with words in an effort to connect. My communication style is far more fact based and I don't do emotional flannel very well at all. I find myself being caught up on factual details that aren't to my mind rational, and I miss the emotional message that she is trying to impart.
We have sadly got ourselves into a bit of a viscous circle: she worries that I will dismiss what she says and will be curt with her, so expresses herself unclearly. I feel on edge because I fear I will misinterpret what she is trying to say and I resent the emotional labour of having a conversation with her where I am having to do half the work of unpicking what she is trying to say.
I am really trying to force myself to relax around her and to communicate without worrying about second-guessing her. It's sort of working, but then every now and then there will be a bit of a set back and I will go back to feeling on edge.
For example, recently she and I had a discussion about when she should come to see DS (she is in our 'bubble'). I thought that we were in agreement that it was not actually in his interests for her to see him after school this term (he has just started school) as he was coming home tired, getting excited by her being here and then his behaviour was seriously deteriorating to the extent that he was getting too wound up to eat dinner and go to bed. I suggested that she come at the weekend instead.
Unfortunately, this topic came up with MiL before I had chance to properly discuss it with DH. He spoke to her in other conversation and asked her if we would see her as usual after school. She said yes, without mentioning the conversation she had with me.
I then feel that she considers her discussion with me to be unimportant, which is not totally untrue but the fact is that her need to be needed and included in DS's life does in her mind trump the fact of her conversation with me. I then feel on edge the next time we spend time together as I have a dislike of feeling disregarded.
There are lots of little examples like this - nothing severe or sinister by themselves, but just little events which push my buttons and make me feel on edge.
I do genuinely hope that I can get things back on track so that we can get on reasonably well and so that I can feel at ease in her company, but it feels like hard work at the moment.