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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your relationship is like with your MIL/DP’s mother?

238 replies

Lila653 · 30/11/2020 19:28

Wondering whether the stereotype of woman struggling with mother in law is that true in reality. What is your relationship like? And has it changed over time? By stereotype I just mean it is often portrayed in TV/film.

I think I started off in a better place with MIL than I am now - several years down the line I find more and more grating/irritating, probably unfairly in some ways! Is this normal?

DH doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents so maybe this has something to do with it!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/11/2020 20:43

My DMIL died many years ago but we got on very well, we were quite similar people in many ways with the same sorts of interests so that really helped. We only had a DC a few months before she died and she absolutely loved him but she was quite ill by then so I never had any issues over babysitting or childcare ... but she was a very reasonable sort of person so I doubt there would have been any conflict.

I didn't get on particularly well with my fist MIL, she was a terrible snob and never thought I was good enough for her DS Grin, she was also furious at my decision not to have a Church wedding ... the fact was that I was/am a regular church attender and ex DH and his family were not and openly said they had no interest in faith or religion. I didn't want to be hypocritical and get married in Church to a non believer, ex MIL only wanted a Church wedding for the photos and 'because it's the done thing' Hmm.

HotSauceCommittee · 30/11/2020 20:44

We've had our ups and downs but we have a lot in common, and after 27 years, DMIL and DFIL are my family now.
I love her and I feel that she loves me and that means that we do speak out of turn now and again and it just isn't a big deal.

MrsAvocet · 30/11/2020 20:50

Before I met his mother for the first time I asked my now DH what he thought she'd make of me and he replied "Well you're not her nationality, not her religion and you have a career - but besides that she'll probably quite like you". That proved to be a fairly accurate description. We tolerate each other.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 30/11/2020 20:50

Mine is great, couldn't wish for a better MIL. Raised her son well too. :)

HoboSexualOnslow · 30/11/2020 20:53

Love her, will happily meet her for coffee alone. I've always been welcomed. She just dropped off my Advent calendar Smile

tilder · 30/11/2020 20:55

I loathe my MIL. I don't say that lightly. If it were just about me, I would suck it up. Smile and wave. It's not. It's my kids and dh.

FIL is an amazing, wonderful man.

I read MIL threads with interest as I am determined not to be 'that' MIL to any future spouse of my dc.

EnglishRain · 30/11/2020 20:56

I got on OK with mine but I'm finding it much harder now I'm a mother. We are very different people. She never worked after having her children, was a home maker effectively for 35 years and assumes my job is very unimportant (I'm the breadwinner, but she has the mindset that woman can't and shouldn't be). Her interests are quite narrow, and I am pretty sure she has ASD. I think it was easier to overlook things in prior years, but now I have my own DC it bothers me more. Especially the women are there to be meek and mild thing.

MIL didn't get on with her MIL, DH's DGM. I got on with her really well though. I think DGM and I are probably more similar and had more in common.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 30/11/2020 20:57

I LOVED my MIL. She was a high flying exec in the fashion industry and she was just so interesting and cool. She was also a stone cold bitch at times, but honestly, I respected her for that. She died when she was only 55 and I miss her terribly.

My FIL is a serial philanderer (he was long divorced from MIL) and I also have an ex-step-MIL and a step-MIL and they're both vile in their own unique ways.

stovetopespresso · 30/11/2020 21:00

mine is hilarious/annoying/lovely in equal measure. i'm always a bit on eggshells in case I trigger a diatribe about abortion, (she's anti), colonialism, (pro), vegetarianism (you can guess)

PattyPan · 30/11/2020 21:01

I love my DP’s mum and generally get on really well with her. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t have DC yet and I can see her having opinions about our parenting (she works with children) which hopefully won’t cause any issues. I think she sometimes worries that I’m not feeding her PFB properly (I’m vegan) but we both acknowledge he’s an adult who can take responsibility for his own diet.

HeadNorth · 30/11/2020 21:02

My MIL is a difficult misanthrope who really doesn't like anyone, including her own family. So I tolerate her on the rare occasions I see her and she does the same for me.

Hellothere19999 · 30/11/2020 21:04

Tbh I actually really like her atm, she’s really quite nice, loves my LO, always brings something like some yummy food, does all the washing up and cleaning when she visits and genuinely wants to help with everything. I know some people find that kind of thing too much but I genuinely appreciate it.

Seafog · 30/11/2020 21:05

I have two of them as dh's family split and remarried.
They are both wonderful women, but very different from each other. I can count on either of them, and I can be honest and direct with both which is fab.
They both love us and the kids, I know we are lucky.

TonMoulin · 30/11/2020 21:10

I’m getting on well with my MIL. We had a couple of years when things got tense (I’m european, MIL is a brexiter And FIL was going on about how foreigners didn’t belong in the UK to my dcs, who are binationals Confused).
Despite that we managed to go pass it and accept very different pov. We still get on well and have lovely conversations

NerdyBird · 30/11/2020 21:11

My MIL is very nice, but quite distant. She's not the type to ring even DH for a chat, and never me. She is vaguely interested in the DC but doesn't do anything in the way of babysitting or general 'grandparent' stuff. She has helped us out financially which we are grateful for but I do kind of wish she wanted more of a relationship with the DC. It does mean I don't have the overbearing type of MIL to deal with though.

Member984815 · 30/11/2020 21:11

Mines lovely but somewhat interfering at times , been in my life the last 20 years but I would never consider her a friend, I always got the impression I wasn't really good enough for her . In the beginning I tried to make her like me but after a while I realised I don't really care if she does

apric0t · 30/11/2020 21:13

I got on with mine at the beginning which was almost 11 years ago now and it was when we got engaged something changed and just got progressively worse.

She's a dullard and her breath smells awful.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/11/2020 21:14

First MIL was an evil narcissistic bitch who lived to suck the joy out of her families life.

MIL I have now is lovely, like a second Mum. I know she has my back.

LolaSmiles · 30/11/2020 21:14

I love mine and we are close. We are very different but she's always been keen to never be the overbearing MIL

Candycats · 30/11/2020 21:14

I like my MIL. We are very different people so struggle for conversation sometimes - we have quite different views on things, and she's a lot quieter and gentler than I am! Having said that, she's kind, caring and thoughtful, and is a lovely grandmother. We've had more to talk about since DS was born and (pre-Covid) I actually looked forward to going to see her.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 30/11/2020 21:16

I've been with my DH 10 years, married for 10mo. My relationship with my MIL has always been great. Shes a wonderful woman. I could happily hang out with her solo, happy to see her with my husband, and she gets on well with my parents.

Also get on well with my step MIL but not quite as close

Frolicacid · 30/11/2020 21:16

Started off great. 14 years later we had a baby & she went full on batshit. Now it’s terrible.
DH really struggles with her too.
We haven’t seen her since February thanks to covid. I feel sad for how relieved this makes him.

FrustratoPotato · 30/11/2020 21:18

My MIL is now in care with quite advanced dementia. I think it has improved her personality no end. She was a pretty rubbish mother to DH and a disinterested G'ma. Until she got on Facebook and would write all kinds of nasty, negative things to DH and me. She never listened. She loved to talk endlessly about immigrants ruining the country (especially her neighbours) , how NHS workers are lazy, that she doesn't believe in welfare from the state and was generally negative and horrible about everything. This, from a woman who had been on state disability for years and had multiple life saving procedures from the nhs. Her Pakistani neighbours were the loveliest, kindest people and were so tolerant of her horrendous house and garden that looked like a recycling tip. I was married to DH for 8 years before I ever stepped foot in her house. We're still sorting through her hoarded mess and they always ask after her.
I'm so jealous of you with lovely MILs. My own family is overseas so I could really have used some motherly support after DS was born. She told me she was glad my mom wasn't around so she could spend more time with DS. Then she took off to her second home for 3 months the week after he arrived.

MadCatLady71 · 30/11/2020 21:19

She died a few years ago but she was a genuinely lovely woman. Quite extraordinarily so. Intelligent, kind, empathetic, and a real feminist. She loved my DP unreservedly and was incredibly proud of him - without being blind to the qualities of his that can, occasionally, make life a bit difficult. She raised two confident, well-balanced and decent human beings in my DP and his sister, loved her grandkids without wanting to take over, was hugely supportive of me and my SiL’s husband, and was just a all-round nice person.

BridgeFarmKefir · 30/11/2020 21:23

My MIL died earlier this year after suffering from a very aggressive cancer. She was one of the kindest people I've ever met. We were very different (I'm quite cynical, and sarcastic) and I think she found me a bit baffling at times. But she loved me unreservedly. And our daughter too, who she at least knew for a year.

I wish that I'd spent more time with her, and let her in a bit more. I miss her.