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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Original poster
meadinchelsea · 01/12/2020 21:07

@Mikki77 thanks for the lovely supportive reply Flowers being a mum to grown up DC is a new part of this parenting lark and is really hard!! I think I liked it better when they were toddlers Smile

OP posts:
clarehhh · 01/12/2020 21:42

Agree with the person who said it is his money, he is an ADULT not a child. Misguided but nothing to do with you, he could have spent as he went along. Hardly goes far in terms of uni fees of £9 000 a term about 3 weeks worth.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 22:12

The OP said, "that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas*

Where does she say it wasn't birthday/Christmas money? It’s been explained that this is not Xmas/Bday money but funded from bits saved by relatives over the years.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 22:15

being a mum to grown up DC is a new part of this parenting lark and is really hard!! I think I liked it better when they were toddlers It is harder, and more dangerous, because they can decide to cut you off, do whatever they like. I have 4 adult children and their 4 partners. The best advice I can give is listen lots, say little. The less you try to lay down the law the more they will ask for advice and the more chance they will take it.

Respect is important, you have to respect their decisions even if they are wrong. I'm sure you, like everyone else, have made decisions that weren't the best decision, you learned and moved on. He will as well and so will his GF.

emilyfrost · 01/12/2020 22:21

It was DS who agreed to buy it with his own money (again, I didn't withold any birthday or Christmas presents it was given to me to put in an account for him...) we will have a chat about the cost privately

Again, it’s not your place to have a chat with him about it. It’s entirely his choice as it’s his money.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 22:25

@PatriciaPerch I am a year older than my son was when I was forced to leave home because my Mum was in a DV situation and although I was bright I didn't go to university until my son who is now at university himself was 4. His older sister who I had when I was 21 was severely disabled and I still managed to get a degree, don't lecture me on life just because yours may have been more straightforward. I am amazed my son who I had when I was 23 , who has lived as a sibling carer to his severely disabled sister all of his life has managed to work hard enough to go to university and has done well and during his time growing up our own situation has improved. What on earth is wrong with you? You don't even understand what the OP and many of us have explained to you wrt to saving bits and bobs (not whole Christmas/birthday presents) in order to help to 'give a leg up' not one over. Everybody's life is NOT the same, not everyone has the same choices.

I was married at 17 and a mum at 18, had 2 by 20. I was married to an alcoholic and in my mid 20s I was working fulltime, bringing up my kids and doing a degree part-time. Remarried and had 2 more, my husband has been disabled since the youngest was 10 days old, well that was when we got the diagnosis, so I was his carer, mum to 4 and doing a fulltime job.

Yes my life has been a doddle and yes I saved for my kids. As soon as they wre born I took out an insurance policy and paid my money at the door every month, they got a lump sum at 18. They also had savings from Christmas/birthday presents and a £5k inheritance.

I brought them up to manage their money, debit card from 11 with pocket money, dinner money and clothes money paid in, I only bought school uniform. They made mistakes, if they blew the months money then they had to make sandwiches as they couldn't afford school lunch. If they wanted to save up for something they made sandwiches and saved their dinner money. They were savvy by 18 and I trusted them.

So don't lecture me.

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 22:55

Children were either at school, the older ones, or with a childminder for the younger ones until they were old enough. I got up early and he was helped out of bed to wash and dress, when he was having a particularly bad time I'd go home at lunch time (understanding boss) but otherwise food was left ready for his lunch and then the kids would be home at about 3.30.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 22:56

I also did some evening meetings so got time off in the day.

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soandsoandso · 01/12/2020 23:13

@meadinchelsea

They have been together years and yes I do really like her, we always include her on family holidays ect. It is his money now and none of my business yes, but I can't help but feel disappointed. Which is why I'm asking AIBU 😬 Neither I nor his dad would have ever been gifted anything like that when we were his age, but if I had I would have gone travelling for sure and I guess that's what I hoped he would do to. 🤷‍♀️
What you would've done with the money is your choice, DS also has his own choice.
Commonwasher · 01/12/2020 23:15

@BorderlineHappy
Theft?! Hmm
No it’s not controlling, it’s parenting. The OP is still supporting her teenage son financially and he still lives in her home. She is paying for him to be at university so it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to bankroll his handbags.

If he wants to do whatever he wants with money given to set himself up in life then that’s fine — but he can pay his own university fees and accommodation bills.

VinylDetective · 01/12/2020 23:29

he still lives in her home

He doesn’t. He lives in the place where he’s at university. The money wasn’t intended to set himself up in life, it was for “adventures”. Apparently it would be fine with OP for him to spend it on getting off his face in Ibiza.

Mamanyt · 01/12/2020 23:52

WELL...I suppose buying a gift like that could constitute "an adventure," although not the kind that he anticipated.

It is, in the end, his money. Although you might mention to him that a deep desire for a designer handbag on her part should not be an emergency on his, and that, should he come up short in the future, he will have to find funding for whatever it is himself.

LisaLemon · 02/12/2020 00:03

It's too late now but I would have drip fed him the money on a monthly basis - and is exactly what I did with my own DD who left uni this year. She was lucky enough to have 12k from an inheritance and we came to an arrangement of how much would be paid each month - and then with the remainder she bought a car after passing her test.

In your position I'd be cross as you're financially supporting him and I'd probably mutter about reducing his money by £500 over the course of the coming year. Whether I'd do that or not .. who knows! Probably not

So you're not being unreasonable to have a moan becomes you're supporting him financially and you've topped up his money with some inheritance money. The was maybe an error to give it him all at once

However what's done is done so as you've made your point, I'd probably move on now.

UsedUpUsername · 02/12/2020 02:36

@ancientgran

The OP said, "that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas*

Where does she say it wasn't birthday/Christmas money? It’s been explained that this is not Xmas/Bday money but funded from bits saved by relatives over the years.

She explicitly says it was specially collected for this fund in a follow up post. This wasn’t Xmas or Bday money saved up on his behalf. Not clear in OP but she clarifies it later on.
Ddot · 02/12/2020 08:34

Mmm bit greedy of her in my opinion. I do think you should have a word and inform him that when the money has gone, its gone. He needs to learn to budget or his life will be incredibly hard.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/12/2020 09:59

Haven’t RTFT. It is his right to blow it all if he chooses BUT you are not his bank. Deduct £500 from the next Financial support payment and stop funding his and his GF’s lavish lifestyle. They need to learn financial responsibility. I hope said GF is training to be a stock broker!

ancientgran · 02/12/2020 10:06

@PatriciaPerch Oh god I did 24/7 care with daughter with no respite but I completely understand it is hard caring for anyone, especially with young children involved I know it probably sounds strange but I think the worst moment was sitting with a ten day old baby on my lap worrying about 2 year old at home with elderly GM and seeing the Consultant being very uncomfortable and trying to avoid giving us the prognosis. I'm not sure who was most upset him, DH or me.

I'm nearly 70 and have been a carer to children and/or DH since I was 17. I sometimes feel I've had enough of it all.

ancientgran · 02/12/2020 10:09

If he wants to do whatever he wants with money given to set himself up in life then that’s fine — but he can pay his own university fees and accommodation bills. Well the only way he'd get access to the maximum loans to do that would be to prove he is estranged from his parents. Would you want to be totally estranged from one of your children for the sake of £500? For me there isn't enough money in the world but maybe some people think £500 is worth it.

PatriciaPerch · 02/12/2020 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ancientgran · 02/12/2020 10:11

She explicitly says it was specially collected for this fund in a follow up post. This wasn’t Xmas or Bday money saved up on his behalf. Not clear in OP but she clarifies it later on. It was quite clear in the OP and later when she said he had enough toys at 2 3 and 4. I will leave it to you to wonder why that changed.

Foramen · 02/12/2020 10:24

I'd be worried that he has a girl friend who asks for a £500 present from a student. That bodes ill for the future re her spending.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 02/12/2020 10:28

We save for DS in an account not in his name, it will be for a house deposit etc. He also gets birthday money from grandparents etc in addition to presents, his birthday money is to enjoy whether that's now or later on, it's a gift not an inheritance and gifts don't come with strings.

Sudoku88 · 02/12/2020 10:40

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult (which age wise he is),
so he should be able to spend how he sees fit. However he is not actually taking on full ‘adult’ responsibility as he’s still living off the bank of mum and dad (albeit, being supported whilst at uni).

He is an ‘adult’ who can spend, piss up, squander exactly as he wishes when he is taking on full ‘adult responsibilities’. Basically completely earning his own keep without a penny of financial support from his parents. When that happens, he can buy as many designer hand bags as he wishes and no one would have any right to tell him how to spend his ‘own’ money.