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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Kissthepastrychef · 01/12/2020 18:54

Maybe she doesn't open the statements. Who knows ? The only person who can answer is the OP

MrsMarrio · 01/12/2020 18:54

You can't tell him what to with that money nor should you be asking him about it. It's his money not yours not matter how much his spending annoys you. And it's your choice to fund him through uni.

SOboredofcleaning · 01/12/2020 18:57

Aw @greensnail that's so sweet Smile

(Sorry OP I can see why you're annoyed)

Noranorav · 01/12/2020 18:58

I'd chalk this spend down to experience - he is young and has to make mistakes to learn however annoying and frustrating it is - fast forward 2 years and you won't be seeing his bank statements at all. I would though probably remind him that the money was from his GPs specifically for him, that you'd prefer - but can't dictate - that he spends with that in mind, and that once it's gone it's gone. After that said, he's on his own with the remaining 2.5k, he really does need to learn his own lessons with spending unless someone holds his purse strings forever.

nostaples · 01/12/2020 19:00

Of course it’s your business. As his mum you’ll be supporting him in all sorts of ways potentially for decades. Personally I think it’s an irresponsible purchase at any age xcept for the v rich but I’d be concerned about all of his judgements given this particular context. I’d also be concerned about any gf who would ask for and accept such a gift under these circumstances. V worrying

nostaples · 01/12/2020 19:03

Suspect some of the posters do not have university aged children

user1471538283 · 01/12/2020 19:05

My DS did nearly the same. He thought my hard earned saving meant he could just work part time. So that was it. No more saving for him!

cherish123 · 01/12/2020 19:07

I'd be fuming but there is little you can do. She sounds like a shallow girlfriend if she is accepting a £500 handbag from a boyfriend who is a student.

Pumpertrumper · 01/12/2020 19:21

I’d be very cross.

Student loan calculations assume students don’t have savings. They don’t take into account savings accounts with thousands sat in them. It sounds like OP has been financially supporting DS as she would without this money to allow him to preserve it and save it towards better use.

I would now reduce your support OP and make it clear to DS that as he obviously doesn’t think this money is important or worth saving you’ll be reducing your payments to him by £xxx per month and he can choose whether he tops up the difference from this account or works more to cover the difference.

Also I think there is currently a ridiculous trend for young people giving insane and extravagant gifts! I blame social media entirely. I’m late 20’s now and before kids DH and I used to have £2.5k+ of free money each month. ‘Gifts’ never cost more than £50 and we saved the rest to afford our family home.

My sibling is 21 and at uni. Does live with his GF but doesn’t work and they buy each other INSANE gifts. Don’t even think twice about spending £250-£500 and for her 21st he wanted to get her a £1500 watch!!!! Luckily was talked out of it (by me). He did inherit enough to buy the flat they live in outright but still, they never have savings and talk about wanting to upgrade to a ‘family home’ I have no idea how!

VinylDetective · 01/12/2020 19:33

alk about wanting to upgrade to a ‘family home’ I have no idea how!

By getting jobs when they graduate? You seriously expect students to save?

winniestone37 · 01/12/2020 19:33

When I was at uni I was being supported by my parents. I also took out a student loan against their wishes and used it to go and see my boyfriend for a month over Christmas in another country in a very exciting city. 🤣 It was amazing and I was so glad I did things like this. However I paid the loan back. Whilst you’re supporting him it is your business despite some of the comments above. Why don’t you talk it through with him calmly and ask him what he thinks should be done?

Chica1990 · 01/12/2020 19:39

It normally wouldn’t be your business but like you said you are giving him financial support.

Can you reduce the amount that would be the equivalent of what he would get working a part time job? You could say work are making pay cuts, bills have gone up and you need to make cuts everywhere and maybe he’ll realise money doesn’t just appear in people’s bank accounts.

VestaTilley · 01/12/2020 19:40

YANBU, but I wouldn’t have let him access the money in the first place. Precisely the kind of daft thing an 18 year old would do.

Solange1973 · 01/12/2020 19:42

I get where you are coming from but in the end, it’s his money to spend. When my daughter went to Uni, I also supported her for 4 years. Before she started, I gave her £8000 which was what we had saved for her from birth. I told her I would pay for her food, lodging, travel and uni expenses (books etc...) but all the rest (clothes, entertainment, holidays...) would have to be paid for by her. It was up to her whether to use her savings or get a job to pay for her extras. I never looked at what she did with the money. Some she spent and some she saved but I never asked her what she was doing with it. She knew never to come to me for more though.

Tarano17 · 01/12/2020 19:44

Personally I would withdraw financial support for him at Uni and tell him if he can spend £500 on a gift for his GF then he can financially support himself at Uni. I don’t agree with other OPs who are saying it is his money as it is your money that is financially supporting him at Uni. Without your financial support he would most likely not wasted £500 on a gift for his girlfriend. I would also raise it with his girlfriend directly because if she is refusing to give him £250 back as promised she sounds like a user.

di2004 · 01/12/2020 19:48

Don’t worry.. he will learn the hard way!!

Floralnomad · 01/12/2020 19:49

The girlfriend probably never offered to contribute for the present at all he has likely just told his mother that to try and shut her up .

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

canigooutyet · 01/12/2020 19:57

So if he didn't go to university he wouldn't have got his birthday and Christmas money from the various relatives who funded the savings account?

BorderlineHappy · 01/12/2020 19:59

@Commonwasher
I would have a chat about sensible uses for that money and also remove £2K from the account and put it in one which he will get access to at 21 — it will focus his mind on how use the remaining £500, I expect he will be less inclined to spend it on a handbag.

Haha really,you would steal cause thats what it is 2 grand from your adult dc.

If this was a female saying her dp did this, everyone would be telling her to ltb.Cause its a red flag and controlling.

But because its a parent,it seems its ok.

BorderlineHappy · 01/12/2020 20:06

Suspect some of the posters do not have university aged children

I have 2 adult sons @nostaples,tey didnt go to univercity. But i understand they are adults and have their own minds.
So i wouldnt blame anybody but them.

And i have opened statements and letters when asked.Gave them the information and never mentioned it again.Cause its not my business.And im not a controling prat.

canigooutyet · 01/12/2020 20:07

A few months before I met an ex he had come into over 10K. I met him he had a couple of hundred left.

Then it all came out that he'd told his mum I had spent it.

WokesFromHome · 01/12/2020 20:12

I would be livid at the GF too. Why is she asking a student to buy her £500 handbags? I take it she is 19/20ish? She should earn money and buy it herself. Obviously she has been spending too much time looking at girls taking selfies with designer bags.

UsedUpUsername · 01/12/2020 20:53

So if he didn't go to university he wouldn't have got his birthday and Christmas money from the various relatives who funded the savings account?

It’s been explained that this is not Xmas/Bday money but funded from bits saved by relatives over the years.

Even if you don’t go to uni, you can still use the money for work experience/travel/car licences etc

Choccylips · 01/12/2020 21:03

He is obviously smitten, but believes his GF is deserving of the gift. I just hope for his sake his GF doesn't let him down or expect it every special occasion. I hope he has some value for himself and doesn't think its the only way to keep a GF. Think you should go easy on him.