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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Orangeboots · 02/12/2020 12:09

@Sudoku88

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult (which age wise he is), so he should be able to spend how he sees fit. However he is not actually taking on full ‘adult’ responsibility as he’s still living off the bank of mum and dad (albeit, being supported whilst at uni).

He is an ‘adult’ who can spend, piss up, squander exactly as he wishes when he is taking on full ‘adult responsibilities’. Basically completely earning his own keep without a penny of financial support from his parents. When that happens, he can buy as many designer hand bags as he wishes and no one would have any right to tell him how to spend his ‘own’ money.

I agree - we have adult children now - they aren't financially independent so their decisions affect us and therefore I don't see it all being down to them!

I feel very few 18 year olds I know behave like adults - they all live at home and expect some form of financial support - whether it's subsidised living accommodation or direct payments. They are not adults who get to decide independently, until they can survive independently

LittleGwyneth · 02/12/2020 13:26

Clearly an unpopular opinion here but I'd be really proud of have raised such a generous person who wants to buy his long term girlfriend something significant. I'd be worried about whether this was expected to be an every birthday thing, but as long as it was a one off for a 21st or whatever, I would be very pleased that my son was so kind.

Orangeboots · 02/12/2020 13:46

@LittleGwyneth

Clearly an unpopular opinion here but I'd be really proud of have raised such a generous person who wants to buy his long term girlfriend something significant. I'd be worried about whether this was expected to be an every birthday thing, but as long as it was a one off for a 21st or whatever, I would be very pleased that my son was so kind.
Generosity when you can afford it is fine. Generosity when you can't, is foolishness.
TheLadyOfShallnott · 02/12/2020 14:00

And telling your mum it was asked for and that she hasn’t paid her half back in order to deflect the ‘blame’ is really kind.

Orangeboots · 02/12/2020 14:21

I really don't like expensive gifts being used as a show of affection and love - my Mum always expected expensive jewellery and Dad bought it for her - even though we couldn't afford to put the heating on and we were walking around in rags! Foolish behaviour.

UsedUpUsername · 02/12/2020 17:21

@ancientgran

She explicitly says it was specially collected for this fund in a follow up post. This wasn’t Xmas or Bday money saved up on his behalf. Not clear in OP but she clarifies it later on. It was quite clear in the OP and later when she said he had enough toys at 2 3 and 4. I will leave it to you to wonder why that changed.
No it was money always intended for this fund and the relatives contributed with this in mind:

his family gifted him the money to be put in a savings account for when he was 18. I've not hid it or controlled it from him FFS!! We actually let him have access early at 17 so he could pay for driving lessons too. It was a lovely thing to be able to give him and he was super grateful for it as what would a 2,3,4 or 5 year old want with it at the time. There was also inheritance added by me when my grandfather died so I just called it that

Frankola · 02/12/2020 17:48

I reckon your son is a bit of a mug. That being said, i reckon he needs to learn a valuable lesson from this and needs to learn how to manage his money.

I'd suggest he doesn't need as much financial support as you'd previously thought. Dont give him as much money and see how he manages that!

Ddot · 02/12/2020 18:14

I know of someone who at the age of 17, got a gift of a large amount of money to buy a home, (from biological father). P*ssed the lot up the wall. A lot of young people do not think of life in the long term

VinylDetective · 02/12/2020 18:25

Generosity when you can afford it is fine. Generosity when you can't, is foolishness

He could afford it. He had the money, he didn’t put it on a credit card, he didn’t get into debt. He spent some of his “adventure” money on it.

Orangeboots · 02/12/2020 19:01

@VinylDetective

Generosity when you can afford it is fine. Generosity when you can't, is foolishness

He could afford it. He had the money, he didn’t put it on a credit card, he didn’t get into debt. He spent some of his “adventure” money on it.

Don't agree that he could afford it - getting into debt isn't the only measure for "can't afford it." Then again, it seems that for some people money just burns a hole in the pockets, they just don't seem capable of saving days ahead - that's what adults need to do!
Isthisreallylife · 02/12/2020 19:13

My son had a similar inheritance. At Uni he blew about a third of his years allowance on taking his dorm out to eat etc. I fumed.
A week later he was dead in a car accident. At his funeral over 400 students turned up and the most telling phrase they said almost to a man was “he was so generous of spirit” I found out later that the reason for the meal out was that he’d found out that 4 students hadn’t got their grants thru so were literally not eating and not wanting to publish the fact, he fed everyone.
My lovely generous son.
We can only learn by our mistakes.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 02/12/2020 19:17

isthisreallylife Flowers

Now that is generosity of spirit.

What a lovely thing to do.

(I still don’t think the same about a handbag)

VinylDetective · 02/12/2020 19:46

Oh @Isthisreallylife, what a boy you had. How that proves that those who the gods love die young. 💐

YourWinter · 02/12/2020 20:00

Teenagers, eh?

Years ago, for my son's 18th birthday I gave him the cash (as he'd asked) to buy a set of motorbike gear at a forthcoming motorcycle show.

Instead, kind soul that he is, he bought a PS2 for the ghastly girl he was seeing at the time, because clearly nobody else was going to buy her one.

YourWinter · 02/12/2020 20:04

Isthisreallylife Flowers

I hadn't seen your post before sending mine.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

PatriciaPerch · 03/12/2020 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ancientgran · 03/12/2020 13:54

Isthisreallylife, so sorry, that is heartbreaking and it certainly puts £500 bags into perspective.

ancientgran · 03/12/2020 13:56

@UsedUpUsername if you look back it was for birthdays/Christmas, it was for when he was 18, it was for adventures but whatever it is his money, no one else's business, if you give a present it becomes the other persons.

He works, presumably he has loans, leave the poor bloke alone.

UsedUpUsername · 03/12/2020 14:18

if you look back it was for birthdays/Christmas, it was for when he was 18, it was for adventures but whatever it is his money, no one else's business, if you give a present it becomes the other persons

It was never for Xmas/Bdays but always intended for this fund. Relatives gave to the fund with this idea in mind.

She has every right to criticise him for unwise spending. Demonstrates his immaturity and thoughtlessness for those who sacrificed building up this fund to secure his future — and his future alone (it doesn’t sound like these relatives had a lot of money to spare). It was intended for his work/study/travel and he knew that when he gained access to it.

Also, it’s still very much her business while she’s still funding him.

His GF also shows immaturity accepting an extravagant gift from a student with just a part-time job. She should have refused to accept it.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 03/12/2020 14:27

The OP also added a part of their inheritance and said it was for emergencies or adventure.

Unless the bag is like the one owned by Mary Poppins and can produce any emergency help on request or has a secret door to Narnia in it, then I don’t think a bag quite cuts the criteria.

LittleGwyneth · 03/12/2020 18:50

@Isthisreallylife that is one of the saddest thing I've ever read. I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a truly wonderful person.

ancientgran · 03/12/2020 19:06

Maybe if she hadn't been so controlling about money he might be more mature or then again maybe he is very mature and spent his money his way. I think it is highly unlikely that when he was 2 high grandparents were saying, "This is for when he is 18, but give him some at 17 if you feel like it, it is for uni, adventures and emergencies but make sure it isn't spent on a girlfriend." If they did they were quite strange as that isn't the sort of plans you make for a 2 year old when you give him a few quid.

SunshineCake · 03/12/2020 19:38

@Isthisreallylife

My son had a similar inheritance. At Uni he blew about a third of his years allowance on taking his dorm out to eat etc. I fumed. A week later he was dead in a car accident. At his funeral over 400 students turned up and the most telling phrase they said almost to a man was “he was so generous of spirit” I found out later that the reason for the meal out was that he’d found out that 4 students hadn’t got their grants thru so were literally not eating and not wanting to publish the fact, he fed everyone. My lovely generous son. We can only learn by our mistakes.
I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you are going through. What an incredible son Flowers.
MrsWarleggan · 03/12/2020 19:57

Did you tell him that his money was to be spent on Uni? Doesn't sound like it.

Have you made the decision to support him financially through uni irrespective of this money? Sounds like it.

So yes, I do think YABU. Sorry.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/12/2020 01:32

@Isthisreallylife - what a wonderful son. I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks