Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

@Dozer

It wouldn’t be ‘my parents’ money’ after their deaths, it’d be their beneficiary’s (or beneficiaries).

IMO much here depends on ages etc of the DC and the step family set up and relationships

Eg example 1: step DC in late teens/adults already, your own DC much younger, and you have had relatively little contact with the step DC. Example 2: DC with not much age gap, you’d lived in a blended family for many years with 50% of time at yours.

There is a large age gap between them yes. The DSC were not small children when we met. There is 11 years between our DC and the youngest.

It also means my parents, whilst they are very friendly and get along, don't and have never treated them as their grandchildren and the children have never seen them as their grandparents.

Do your parents have any sort of relationship with your SC? You and your parents need to speak to a solicitor to sort out what you want, probably the inheritance passing straight to your own child. The fall out could be that if they find out then the SC may see themselves as second class members of the family and any relationship with your parents lost.

If our DC was taken care of through my parents inheritance I actually wouldn't give much thought to DH leaving his half of assets to his children solely. Is this not a thread you see here all the time? 'my parents are leaving my brother more in their will because he's not as financially secure as me'. Genuinely, I would not have a problem with this if our DC were taken care of through my parents estate. your DC might have a problem with it though? How many of those threads do you see where the person who doesn’t inherit is upset because the assumption has been made that they’re not as worthy. A bereaved person doesn’t see inheritance as a financial benefit, they see it as a token of their relationship with the deceased.

Ah just missed your post...

So if they don't have that relationship then no problem. By pass them.

I've said nothing about mine and DHs finances. We are comfortable ourselves, we don't need the money. If my parents wanted to, they could leave us something I guess, but the capital I would want to go to DC, me and DH don't need it.

Are you certain you never, ever will? A lot can happen, and making the choices you want, particularly in old age, can be a lot more expensive than you think. People see spending money on care as a 'waste' but you're in such an enormously different if you're purchasing privately and can make your own choices, and at that point money that's not needed now could be life-changing later.

But the question of the relationship with the grandparents is only one of the reasonable questions here. What sort of relationship do these step DC have with you, OP? Have you been a parent to them?

My estate will be much larger than DH's, and it will go exclusively to our joint DD. DH's estate will be split between our DD and my 3 DSCs. We have discussed it and both think it's fair. There will always be posters here who say it isn't, but it's what feels right to us.

It's easy enough to sort out - just get your parents to leave their estate to your child. Explain your reasoning and I'm sure they will do so.

But personally I think you haven't really entered into a blended family in the right spirit (which in my highly contested opinion means taking some form of responsibility for the wellbeing of the children whose parent you have married).

You clearly don't see his children as having anything whatsoever to do with you, or feel any affection for them, if you don't want them to benefit in any way from your good fortune in having rich parents.

Unless they are very unmaterialistic as adults, it may well drive a wedge between your child and their half-siblings (assuming they have a sibling relationship with your child) if she receives a big wodge of inheritance and they don't.

So I think you will cause trouble doing this, but you may well feel it will be worth it to know your child is advantaged over her half-sibs. It is entirely your (or rather, your parents') decision.

Depends on your family situation/relationships. It is your parents money/assets now, but it will become yours. My stepmum and dad decided to treat all their children equally in their respective mirror wills. She left a proportion to my dad and a proportion protected in a trust to be accessed when he also dies (in case he were to go on and meet anyone else between her death and his; she died of cancer four years ago). The portion protected in trust is divided equally between her children and stepchildren.

All those who are saying it is unfair on the step children-

What if the step children stand to inherit a large sum from their maternal grandparents. Should their half sibling from the fathers side expect the same? No. Of course not.

They do not have the same mother, it is the mother’s family where the money is coming from. The mother does not want nor need the capital and so would rather seek a legal route of ensuring it just passes to HER children.

Some families are blended to the point where SC wouldn’t be treated any differently, some are not. If you married and became a step mum to 3 adult children are you still required to treat them like your own? If you married someone with a toddler and very much raised them within your family unit then maybe that is different....

There is NO equal. There is only what is fair in the individual situation. The step children in this scenario have their mother, their father and their wider maternal family. There is no requirement for OP to divide her family money outside of her own child if she doesn’t want to.

OP - I am in a similar situation and my DP very much understands that outside of OUR assets, my own assets (brought into the relationship) will pass to my own children and not his - with his ex, who has her own opportunity to earn and save for her children’s future.

I can see how it might hurt someone's feelings that their spouse was even considering the possibility that they could someday divorce. Some might wonder if it was a sign that the other person was already dissatisfied, on some level.

However, the truth is that divorce is common, and you can never be certain that your marriage will last a lifetime. There's also the possibility that you'd die before he did, even if you never divorced, and you'd still want your inheritance earmarked for your own child.

I think that if it was approached as "I want to do this for our child, because my parents want it passed down to him/her", I wouldn't be offended. But there are people who will be offended that you don't want to "share" with the step-children, so it depends on the individual in question and whether or not they're already sensitive about divorce and how their various children are treated by you and your family.

YANBU

It’s not your money and the way you receive it is through the death of people you love and who raised you. If OP’s parents know her husband’s children well and see them as family, they may leave them something anyway.

Can you talk to your parents and ask that they put something in their Will saying your inheritance would go to their grandchild (insert amount) if something happens to you?

@VeniceQueen2004

OP can feel affection for the SC without having to ensure their financial future when they have their own mother to do so?

They will already benefit from the fact that OP and her partner clearly work hard and have a comfortable life. They will inherit from OP and her DH from their own assets which they have worked and saved for.

It doesn’t mean she also has to leave them money which comes from another “stream” as it were.

It would be sensible to get qualified advice by a solicitor specialising in this area, and make sure you sort your will out at the same time. FWIW, I would do the same as you, and I wouldn't be offended it a partner did the same. Your parents' money is theirs to do with as they please; your spouse shouldn't get a look in.

I'm finding it quite chilling and neurotic that not only do you want to control what happens to your parents money after they die, you want to control what happens to the money after you die.
DH and I have a hugely substantial estate. It's all in a trust in my son and his wife's name, DH has no children, we need to stay alive for 7 years to minimise inheritance tax.
To exercise this amount of control over money that isn't yours you really need specific legal advice.

Money really does cause as many problems as it solves doesn’t it!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable however if your step kids have been in your life for some time would you not consider giving them a small percentage? Even if just to prevent issues for your dc with their half siblings once you are gone.

I should have added that we both realise that when we are dead the money is theirs.

@Fuckingcrustybread

I'm finding it quite chilling and neurotic that not only do you want to control what happens to your parents money after they die, you want to control what happens to the money after you die. DH and I have a hugely substantial estate. It's all in a trust in my son and his wife's name, DH has no children, we need to stay alive for 7 years to minimise inheritance tax. To exercise this amount of control over money that isn't yours you really need specific legal advice.

What on earth is chilling and neurotic about wanting to organise assets prior to death?

I've already said I will definitely speak to my parents about this, the choice is of course ultimately theirs if they were agreeable to bypassing me and going straight to their GC. I've only been thinking about it more recently as my parents have been discussing other things with me in the same sort of vein.

But there is nothing odd about wanting to control what happens to assets after you die... It's the whole point of making wills etc... Isn't it?

you want to control what happens to the money after you die

Everyone should just stop making wills then shouldn't they.

My mum is in a similar position. The money that she inherited from her parents will be passed on to me and my brother and not my half siblings (two brothers). In her mind, that money came from her parents and should go to my brother and I, my half siblings have had money from their mum's parents when they passed.

The rest of her money (I think) will be split evenly between the four of us - me, my brother and me two half brothers. We are incredibly close as a family despite the fact there's a 18 year age gap.

@Pyewhacket

As far as I'm aware ALL assets are part of any marital union. And I think a lot of men would like to know how to protect substantial assets from a possible divorce settlement. Even prenups are not legally enforceable.

You know wrong. Inheritances are outside of marriage unless they get intermingled (e.g. used to buy the family home; deposited in a joint account etc).

Everyone should just stop making wills then shouldn't they.

No, a will is who you want to give money to. Your parents want (presumably) to give their estate to you. You want to (secretly?) influence that choice to avoid any of that money going to via you to your husband. It’s probably legal, but it’s a bit off for me. Not really what a marriage should look like. Does he agree?

I think you should rethink just trying to have the entire sum go straight to your child.
You may be comfortable financially but things change, perhaps having enough money to cover certain costs of your child first car/ uni/ first house and keeping some of the money for your future which if you don’t end up needing you can gift to whoever you want to.

You want to (secretly?) influence that choice to avoid any of that money going to via you to your husband

Where have I suggested it be secret? My parents would need to be the ones to change the beneficiary to my DC if they agreed to it and I said in the opening post that I want to discuss it with DH. What exactly is so secret about that?

@PiecesOfPie

you want to control what happens to the money after you die

Everyone should just stop making wills then shouldn't they.

I think there's a balance to be struck - of course it's normal to divide up assets in a will, but at some point you have to accept that it stops being your parents' money, and is just money. I actually think that them leaving it directly to your DD is perfectly ok within that spectrum, as long as you're really sure you want to give up any claim on it forever. But if she marries and divorces, he might get it... At some point it stops being possible to ring-fence it.

It's actually a lot easier in your case, where it's a defined trust. It's where it's just money that I think it inevitably mingles and changes and so it's ridiculous to try and preserve it in perpetuity. My inheritance from my grandparents became a house deposit; two houses on, periods of paying different amounts into the mortgage, I think it would already be mad to try and disentangle it from DH and I's assets, and so I think the 'I came into the marriage with X so my kids should get X' which some posters (not the OP - as I said, it's a bit different with a trust) is both unrealistic and actually very unfair, and you probably shouldn't get married if that's how you want to run your financial affairs.