Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

It’s like OP is shirking the responsibility of being the one to deny the stepchildren.
Yes once being the operative word until that happens it’s not up to her. I just meant perhaps it’s going to her and her parents are expecting her to share it with her family not just DC.
Lucozade I didn’t say the issue was with being called stepchildren. It’s with being treated so differently. When OP married DH that made his children family also. This regardless of money would be a dealbreaker for me. So to be clear I was just answering the question yet I’d be offended as DH. In fact I’d be appalled to learn that my children were thought of so separately. And that Op was so adamant that they didn’t want his kids to have any. If OP is that bothered then inherit the money and dish it out as she sees fit don’t try and persuade grandparents to do the dirty work excluding them.

OP your getting the it has to be share brigade.
Get your parents to leave it to their grandchildren just incase you end up with more.
My friend got stung and lost £250k of a trust and says she wished to god she had not taken it.
You say you don't need the money and this way your child's inheritance is theirs, and safe.
Maybe they can will you some cash from their other assets.

It’s like OP is shirking the responsibility of being the one to deny the stepchildren

No, it's been explained several times why this would be the best solution, legally speaking. It's the quickest and easiest way and far less messy than it going to OP and then her arranging wills or whatever she'd have to do around it. And I'm not talking about emotionally messy, from a legal standpoint, this is the simplest solution.

And again, she clearly states she intends to discuss it with her husband so there is nothing secret about it.

From a legal standpoint, this was makes complete sense if OP intends to leave it to her DC anyway. It's not about trying to get someone else to do the dirty work. If that were the case she'd just speak to her parents behind his back and then pretend she didn't know. That's not what she's planning on doing though.

And to be honest, this is clearly something she and her parents discuss or have discussed in length considering OP is already a beneficiary and she says in her post that her parents had recently been talking to her about it. I don't think it's that awful to discuss these things with parents to be honest. Depends on the relationship you have with them I guess, these parents and OP clearly talk about these things though. Not like she doesn't know anything about what her parents intend to do and therefore is assuming she'll get anything at all, she knows their intentions because they have spoken about it with her before.

For all we know the trust deed may already specify something about OP and her children only, it's quite common I understand.

Perfectly reasonable OP. I am a stepchild. My DF and DSM got together when I was in my early teens. I lived with them actually. And my step brothers. It would not have occurred to me for a second to inherit from my DSM's mother. Or my DSM. And if she'd ringfenced her inheritance for her children I would have thought that was perfectly right.

However, if my DFs inheritance had gone to my DSM and on to her children that would have felt wrong.

I think a good trust solicitor will be able to advise you on a suitable arrangement that is fair for all.

TwoEEs

Yes once being the operative word until that happens it’s not up to her. I just meant perhaps it’s going to her and her parents are expecting her to share it with her family not just DC.

If OP's parents expected this they would have told her.

Lucozade I didn’t say the issue was with being called stepchildren. It’s with being treated so differently. When OP married DH that made his children family also. This regardless of money would be a dealbreaker for me. So to be clear I was just answering the question yet I’d be offended as DH. In fact I’d be appalled to learn that my children were thought of so separately. And that Op was so adamant that they didn’t want his kids to have any. If OP is that bothered then inherit the money and dish it out as she sees fit don’t try and persuade grandparents to do the dirty work excluding them.

Sorry but it's incredibly entitled to expect your step-parent or their parents to leave you an inheritance, let alone a large estate, in OP's situation. OP has not raised her step-children, neither she nor her parents owe them a penny.

@Meraas

TwoEEs

Yes once being the operative word until that happens it’s not up to her. I just meant perhaps it’s going to her and her parents are expecting her to share it with her family not just DC.

If OP's parents expected this they would have told her.

Lucozade I didn’t say the issue was with being called stepchildren. It’s with being treated so differently. When OP married DH that made his children family also. This regardless of money would be a dealbreaker for me. So to be clear I was just answering the question yet I’d be offended as DH. In fact I’d be appalled to learn that my children were thought of so separately. And that Op was so adamant that they didn’t want his kids to have any. If OP is that bothered then inherit the money and dish it out as she sees fit don’t try and persuade grandparents to do the dirty work excluding them.

Sorry but it's incredibly entitled to expect your step-parent or their parents to leave you an inheritance, let alone a large estate, in OP's situation. OP has not raised her step-children, neither she nor her parents owe them a penny.

It is entitled to expect it but if you read my previous comments I was talking about the way OP referred to the step children aside from the money and intact never said they should get the money! I was saying that the way she spoke about them and not considering them family at all was hurtful. As further up their was discussion of that being a deal breaker irrespective of the money. I'm still working out how to quote a post that's why it might not be too clear.

In fact
There ** 🤦‍♀️

I still don't really see where OP has referred to them badly?

I see it's quite an emotive subject for some but all she's been is factual about the dynamics in her specific family. She hasn't said 'I don't want the kids to get a penny because I can't fucking stand them and they aren't my family' for goodness sake. All she's done is clarify to other posters that they don't have a relationship with her parents, she met them when they were older children and therefore she hasn't raised them and so on.

It's actually necessary really to get a decent enough picture of the situation because you always get someone coming on saying how awful it is because their child who was 1 when they met their spouse, who's other parent isn't around and has been raised by their husband as their dad is treated like family. Or because their step child has known their parents since they were 3 and calls them granny along with the rest of the children. Well yes. But it's entirely different in OPs set up so it's not a fair comparison, all she's done is point that out as far as I can see.

I'm on this one with you OP. When me and my husband split up, he bought my part of the house. However, I made him set things up (in consideration of giving him a massive discount as to what my half was really worth) so that if he ever re-married, his step children or wife would have no claim to the house and it would be solely inherited by our child. Just as I have inherited a house and I have set my estate up so that in the event of my death, my now husband will have the benefit of living there for the rest of his life if he so chooses, but ultimately the house will be split equally between my two children (and so that my stepchildren, who we do not see in any event, cannot make a claim).

*I still don't really see where OP has referred to them badly?

I see it's quite an emotive subject for some but all she's been is factual about the dynamics in her specific family. She hasn't said 'I don't want the kids to get a penny because I can't fucking stand them and they aren't my family' for goodness sake. All she's done is clarify to other posters that they don't have a relationship with her parents, she met them when they were older children and therefore she hasn't raised them and so on.*

I agree. There is a massive difference between a stepparent entering the picture at nursery/reception age compared to one entering when children are self-sufficient, still have two involved parents (and likely their own grandparents) and can say whether they see a stepparent as a second father/mother or simply their parent’s spouse.

OP has been quite clear about everything, not sure why some are looking for things that are not there or making assumptions that OP doesn’t care about her stepchildren.

TwoEEs

It is entitled to expect it but if you read my previous comments I was talking about the way OP referred to the step children aside from the money and intact never said they should get the money! I was saying that the way she spoke about them and not considering them family at all was hurtful. As further up their was discussion of that being a deal breaker irrespective of the money

I’m really confused, first you said the way OP refers to her SDC is hurtful, then when you’re asked how was it hurtful, you said it’s not the way they’re referred to but that they’re treated differently, and now you’re saying again it’s the way they’re referred to.

I'm still working out how to quote a post that's why it might not be too clear.

Just copy and paste the relevant lines, you don’t need to quote it with asterisks etc.

For all we know the trust deed may already specify something about OP and her children only, it's quite common I understand.

But then why would she need to change it?

All the talk of whether or not the grandparents themselves are behind wanting OPs DD to be the only beneficiary is unnecessary, at the end of the day it just isn't a problem if it's just OPs idea, she still isn't doing anything morally wrong.

And that's quite apart from the fact that I'm sure they'd have mentioned if they actively wanted two thirds of their estate to go to their daughter's partner's two kids who they barely know 🙄 how very altruistic of them!

I have seen many, many situations where a divorced parent has died and all has gone to the step parent and then eventually their DC and the blood children end up with nothing. That's why I have set out a trust in my will that my money goes to my children not my DH. He can use the trust but their money is ring fenced. I totally agree that your parents money should not go to your SC but I would get them to leave it directly to your child then no one can complain

@ioveyoga and are your sons GP and your sons father also splitting their money with your other children?

I would have it transferred to your child in trust with your child as the major trustee and you as a minor trustee if that's possible. With life benefits for parents and for you. That way it is your parents gifting it to their grandchild.

In his shoes i would be upset. Yes it's your inheritance but at the same time, you are not including him or your stepkids I your future so it's a bit of a 'so where does this leave us as a family' question. My ex (he a me was abusive and stole all money!) rewrote his will after we married leaving everything to his mother which would leave me and our child with nothing. We weren't even on the rocks. When I found out it was pretty eye opening as to where he considered the whole relationship going.

@PiecesOfPie: what is your relationship with your stepchildren like? Do they spend most of their time with their mother and interact with you more like an aunt or family friend than a parent?

Based on your posts it sounds like you're one of those blended families whose stepchildren are somewhat distant from their stepparent and not fully integrated into your home: they remain close to their biological mother and father, you're not considered a mother to them and there's no strong familial attachment between you and them. Assuming this arrangement is understood by all, your husband is less likely to object.

That said, given you wish to ensure your own child's inheritance is separate from their siblings, he should consider setting up a trust for the other two to ensure that—in event of his death or divorce—you cannot interfere with them receiving an inheritance from their father. Also, unless there are other significant assets due to pass to them, your husband may wish to consider how to contribute more to them so that all of his children are fairly provided for.

Once you've discussed it together, you should consider how to inform his children so they know the score and aren't surprised down the line. If your stepchildren understand you are not their mother and that you don't see them as your children, they are less likely to be shocked, especially if alternative arrangements are made to ensure their own security/inheritance.

(To answer your question, I'd be offended if my spouse were to withhold an anticipated windfall from me, but that's probably not useful as our situation is quite different from yours—we have no stepchildren, my spouse is close to my family and we agreed to fully share our current and future assets when we married.)

Also, unless there are other significant assets due to pass to them, your husband may wish to consider how to contribute more to them so that all of his children are fairly provided for.

Not sure that’s fair? DSC may get a windfall in future.

Only fair to the DSC if their father provides more for them than his other child. Ok then 🙄

Only fair to the DSC if their father provides more for them than his other child. Ok then
No. The father has 3 children, he needs to treat them all equally, not favour any. OP only has one child.

In his shoes i would be upset. Yes it's your inheritance but at the same time, you are not including him or your stepkids I your future so it's a bit of a 'so where does this leave us as a family' question.

How is not including them in a gift given after her death (not even her own assets) "not including them in her future"? Why do they need to inherit two thirds of her and her families worldly possessions to be included in her future?

Even if you count inheritance as 'your future', OP isn't even including herself in it as she wants it to bypass her completely. Not like she's planning on keeping it all for herself and flying round the world on it whilst her poor husband and step children stay at home. She doesn't even want it for her own future, but her DCs. So not sure how it's 'not including them in her future'.

This thread definitely opens your eyes to how entitled some people can be about money though.

Am I one of the only ones who wouldn't even consider DHs inheritance from his parents as equally mine just because we were married? Frankly I'd think it were none of my business and, whilst I'd be grateful if he chose to spend it on things for us, I wouldn't ever dream of being offended or angry if he had a plan for it and used it for that instead especially not if that were something like leaving it for his kids. It's his parents money, I'd think it were up to him what he chose to do with it.

@tallduckandhandsome

Also, unless there are other significant assets due to pass to them, your husband may wish to consider how to contribute more to them so that all of his children are fairly provided for.

Not sure that’s fair? DSC may get a windfall in future.

That makes sense if such a windfall is likely; however, OP refers to her parents having "quite a large estate" which is "quite substantial". That simply isn't very common, so it seems unlikely all the siblings will be equally—or even close to equally—fortunate in future.