Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

IME, it is likely for your DP to take this badly but it will depend on their personality. If the roles were reversed, you might not welcome one of your DC favoured when you treat all three the same.

The legalities will depend on the jurisdiction of you and the Trust. If you live in England and Wales then the following might apply:

1. Sometimes a trust’s assets can ‘come into play’ on divorce, especially if the beneficiary has received payments. Hint, if divorce is on the horizon, don’t draw down any discretionary payments. A friend’s DP moved heaven and earth to have her draw from the estate with divorce on the horizon.
2. It will depend on the terms of the trust and your will whether ring fencing to your own DC would work. If you inherit from the trust then excepting the following you could then try to pass the assets to your sole DC but:
3. if it’s a large sum then your DP could seek to claim for reasonable provision to be made for them and their DC against your wishes (See Nigel Havers).
4. In fact, the following would be worth looking at: Depending on the terms of the trust, it might be possible (or might be the case already) for the assets to stay in the trust and for your DC to become the beneficiary on your death though there are limits for how long a trust can exist. You’d need a specialist to look at the terms of the trust and understand what flexibilities could exist. Good luck.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/dad-wanted-us-to-inherit-300k-all-we-got-was-his-old-tie-bqwrmcp39
A cautionary tale from yesterday's Times (hope I've managed to share properly)

I would only get remarried/go out with someone that was willing to treat my kids as equals, and not have a dichotomy of financial, emotional treatment between biological and step kids. Would expect the same from them as well

Then don't expect to remarry! You can't expect anyone to care about your children as much as they do their own. It just doesn't work like that.

Then don't expect to remarry! You can't expect anyone to care about your children as much as they do their own. It just doesn't work like that.

Of course you can expect that in someone you are going to marry, if you want. You might not get it, but then - the PP says - you just don’t marry them.

I suppose you can expect it, if you are determined to set yourself up for disappointment.

OP, you're right to do it as you think. Why should your parents assets go to other children that are not their grandkids?

Hopefully you will have received this advice upthread but you should have a discussion with your parents and their solicitors. If the estate is significant, there are likely to be some tax vehicles in place to ensure the entire estate is not subject to 40% inheritance tax each time it is passed between the generations. You will need to be aware of them and ensure they are in place.

I suppose you can expect it, if you are determined to set yourself up for disappointment.

I wouldn’t be disappointed. It’s the same standard I had before my first marriage.

Forget about causing offence and take legal advice to safe guard your dc's inheritance. People change, and for the worse when money is involved.

I imagine your DH will be offended. I expect at some level he has his eye on your money to fund his retirement. Bear in mind I am very cynical as I have seen some pretty appalling behaviour in divorce and inheritance situations.

I guess the easiest way to not 'cause offence' between the children is to have it go directly to my DC rather than to me then to them. That way it would be from their grandparents not me. I don't see why that would be offensive to DSC, my parents aren't their grandparents. I can see it would easily be more 'offensive' if it were me leaving it all to DC.

@VettiyaIruken

Could you ask your parents to change their will leaving the bulk in trust to your son with a token amount to you?

That way, your son inherits from his grandparents and you don't have a dilemma.

This

@3isthemagicestnumber

Just include your DC on the trust - this is what we have done with our family trust (even though there are no SC involved) my dsis and I are beneficiaries, followed by our DCs, our husbands don't get a look in - whether we divorce or die. I think they both know this!

Thanks, this is helpful.

Honestly op, I think I’d do the same. Perhaps your parents should leave the bulk to your DC, and then a small amount to you.

As you say, your DSC will inherit from you and your DH, then also from their own mother and perhaps their grandparents on their mother’s side.

Thing is, there IS a ‘divide’ between half siblings anyway. The DSC have another parent and a life with them. That gives them different opportunities and challenges. It’s just how it is.

The fairest thing is for the children in a blended family to inherit through their own parents. They are the parents they have after all.

* I find all this "my inheritance" stuff very odd where there are married couples involved. DH and I have had several legacies over the time we have been married (one big one, several small ones). We always regard this as joint money and give a small amount to our children then just divide the rest between us. When you are married everything is a joint asset in my book.*

I agree with this. My DH and I have both had inheritances, which we’ve always looked upon as belonging to both of us. I would completely trust my DH to manage that money as he saw fit if I were to pass away first, as I trust him implicitly to do the right thing.

We’re not a blended family (we have our own two adopted DDs), but I can’t imagine feeling differently if he did have DC from a previous relationship.

My DSis has a DSS from her DH’s previous marriage and we all treat him the same as the 3 DC they’ve had together. My DM is ‘Granny’ to him as well.

It just looks like you don’t trust your DH to do the right thing by everyone, even if that isn’t the intention.

I guess the easiest way to not 'cause offence' between the children is to have it go directly to my DC rather than to me then to them.

But your DH will know this is what happened. Are you confident he won’t be offended?

Yes OP you can do this legally. But personally, I find it immoral and would be offended if my spouse did this. Of course there is no chance of my spouse doing this as he was an orphan and so there is no inheritance to speak of.
But yes, if he had children around same age as your step children, that I had also become a step mother to at around age 10, then I would absolutely include them as equals with our joint DC to inherit from me in turn whatever I inherit myself from my side of the family.
You are forgetting too that your DHs ex new DH who has the “successful business” also has your step children as his step children. It’s odd that you think you should not will them some of your estate because you’re only a step mother but at the same time are expecting these children’s step father to provide for them in his will.
I agree with PP that by passing your DH and step children because they are not “blood” relatives will cause division within what should be a united family.
Now I don’t know your DH and step children. They may not be offended by this. But I would completely understand if they were offended and think it a reasonable reaction. In sum, you do risk offending them.

The end of the day they aren't her children and never will be. They have their own mother and father and blood grandparents to inherit from. Life isn't always equal that's just the way it is! The OPs parents have no obligation moral or otherwise to consider them in their will. If the husband and step children think otherwise it's just grabby and greedy

Almost as bad as the other thread running at the moment of the child whose mother died and it turned out she was never legally divorced from her husband of years before - they were separated years before the poster was even born- but because she considered herself a "step child" in the eyes of the law and he happened to die intestate with a large estate she was enquiring how she could get her mitts on it!!!

The only real way to resolve this is to speak to a solicitor that has experience in trusts. Posters can give you their opinions as Everyman down the Pub but it is unlikely any of them actually are solicitors dealing with wills. Even if they are they won't have your family specifics.

@workshy44 That sounds absolutely horrific! I can't imagine!

OP - I would be offended if my spouse did this but BUT it's something I would do too so there we go.

The end of the day they aren't her children and never will be

Factually true, but I would never, ever force my kids to live with a person who thought of them like this.

It’s odd that you think you should not will them some of your estate because you’re only a step mother but at the same time are expecting these children’s step father to provide for them in his will

You've completely misinterpreted what I have said. I do not think her mum's partner should leave anything to them, I have no idea if he will, it's none of my business and I do not 'expect' him to do anything. I was asked if their other parent was comfortable, I said I thought so and that I knew their husband had a successful business, I was absolutely not implying that he should be expected to leave anything to anyone. I've no idea what their set up is.

My DSis has a DSS from her DH’s previous marriage and we all treat him the same as the 3 DC they’ve had together. My DM is ‘Granny’ to him as well

That's nice for them but we I've already explained, it isn't out set up. My mum is not granny etc... She never has been. It's never the relationship they have had. Not every blended family works the same as your sisters.

Many posters on mumsnet are absolutely bonkers and unrealistic about half and step kids being treated in their minds equally and absolutely no differentiation. There are often threads ranting about how their husbands parents/ family treat their bio grandchildren differently to the mums kids from a previous marriage. That might be appropriate if the families have been intertwined since early days and the step child’s other family are not in the picture. But this isn’t the case in many families and the approach should be adapted to that. Many mothers can’t bear the thought of their kids from a previous marriage being seen as different so expect everyone to feel the same which isn’t realistic.

OP- only you know the set up in your family. On the face of it, what you’re proposing seems entirely reasonable as it’s your parents money which should prioritise their child and grandchildren.

And again, I don't think I should leave nothing to them because I'm just a step mother. I've already said earlier in the thread, mine and DHs assets will be split and the DSC will inherit that way from me.

I am talking solely about the trust of my parents estate which I would prefer be kept to my DC.

Is your DH likely to inherit anything from his parents? And do you share finances?

@flaviaritt

Factually true, but I would never, ever force my kids to live with a person who thought of them like this.

I think there is a lot of truth in this, although I don't think the OP is necessary wrong in what she wants to do with the money. I think she will be regulating her DSD as second class relatives.
That's fine I suppose , but what if her DSD treat her and care for as if they are family. Whose to say her DC will do the same?