Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

If it were just me DH and our DC, I could be confident that whoever passed first, it would be left to our DC. But when my husband already has children from a previous relationship, it changes things imo.

Actually I wouldn't be confident of this at all. You only have to see all the other inheritance threads running of partners who have remarried and all of sudden stepchildren (and new wives) inherit the lot!

I was actually advised privately (the will
Company rung me back after meeting with DH and I together) to ensure that if I died first all "my" assets would stay with our children

@ivfbeenbusy

If it were just me DH and our DC, I could be confident that whoever passed first, it would be left to our DC. But when my husband already has children from a previous relationship, it changes things imo.

Actually I wouldn't be confident of this at all. You only have to see all the other inheritance threads running of partners who have remarried and all of sudden stepchildren (and new wives) inherit the lot!

I was actually advised privately (the will
Company rung me back after meeting with DH and I together) to ensure that if I died first all "my" assets would stay with our children

Yes that is true of course!

If it were just me DH and our DC, I could be confident that whoever passed first, it would be left to our DC. But when my husband already has children from a previous relationship, it changes things imo

I wouldn’t be confident of this at all . If I died early chances of my DH remarrying are good and if he did, chances of him getting round to amending his will are low. He’s disorganised and not sufficiently money motivated to keep on top of these issues. That’s why I’ve been proactive.

ivfbeenbusy

I understand, but I wouldn’t allow such considerations to affect my marriage.

Not leaving money directly to the SDC is one thing.

Deliberately excluding your DH from the will so he doesn’t dare give any money to your DC is quite another and makes you come across as very bitter towards the SDC.

I think that writing your will in such a way to leave everything you have to your dc if you die after your DH. But to exclude your DH just to be sure his DC won’t ever benefit is really quite horrible.

Added to which, there are numerous other potential complications e.g. care costs one day. Do you expect your DH to meet those out of the family pot if you need care and you are minted? Would you spend only your joint money on care for your DH even if you have 10s of thousands in the bank?

I agree with a PP, my partner deliberately not leaving their money to me just to be sure I wouldn’t give any to ,my DC would be a dealbreaker for me.

I would be offended if dh said he wanted to ringfence his inheritance from me, yes. I just generally think if we are a team, then our destinies are tied together, and this includes financially. I am actually the one who will likely inherit quite a significant amount of money one day. I don't plan to take steps to keep that from dh. In fact, what inheritance I already have received (as a 'gift' because no one has died yet) I've put into a jointly owned property. Obviously, there is a paper trail so it's clear where that money has come from, but I would generally expect it to be split equally if we were to divorce.

But I think that is different than ringfencing that money for your dc were you and your dh to die. Yes, I think it's fair enough that only your parents' biological grandchildren benefit from their estate and I wouldn't be offended at the suggestion of setting up our wills to reflect that. Even if you were to die first, that money could be placed in trust and protected for your joint dc and I think that sounds sensible.

I am personally not a fan of the idea of placing money straight into trust for children. I don't know that I feel children benefit from turning 18 and coming into a stupid amount of money. Obviously, if you and your dh had both died, that's different, but I think it's probably more sensible to put that money away for them, but retain some control over when and how it is gifted to your dc.

Is divorce on the cards? Do you dislike your SC? Genuine questions, no criticism. If I were in your position and had a great relationship with DH and SC, I would probably want to give a token amount just to see them happy and make them feel that they are indeed part of my family. Following that, if they started to say they were entitled to more, I'd tell them to get fucked. If as you say the estate is substantial, would that work for you? I'm thinking £10k out of £1M kind of split. If you don't want to, as PP have said you may need to prepare yourself for some backlash as they may feel that you don't care about them. Possibly. Other PPs have said it wouldn't bother them so I could be very wrong.

@user1493413286

I don’t know enough about the legalities of it in your situation but I came into mine and DHs marriage with more money than him and I’ve always been open that i want my money to be left to our DC and not to his DSD. He will leave his money between all the children and my part will just go to mine.

I don't understand how this will work if you die, say, 20 years before him? Is he supposed to keep 'your money' in a separate bank account and never touch it? If you die at 70 and he dies at 90 after years in a care home then a) he may not have the legal option of living your money perfectly preserved and b) is it fair that his children inherit nothing but your children do because a huge percentage of what should be joint assets was ringfenced and so their DF spent all 'his' money so that 'yours' could go untouched?

@AlternativePerspective

Not leaving money directly to the SDC is one thing.

Deliberately excluding your DH from the will so he doesn’t dare give any money to your DC is quite another and makes you come across as very bitter towards the SDC.

I think that writing your will in such a way to leave everything you have to your dc if you die after your DH. But to exclude your DH just to be sure his DC won’t ever benefit is really quite horrible.

Added to which, there are numerous other potential complications e.g. care costs one day. Do you expect your DH to meet those out of the family pot if you need care and you are minted? Would you spend only your joint money on care for your DH even if you have 10s of thousands in the bank?

I agree with a PP, my partner deliberately not leaving their money to me just to be sure I wouldn’t give any to ,my DC would be a dealbreaker for me.

You're confusing my money with my parents.

I've already said if there is a way to do so I would rather my parents bypassed me completely so it never became my money and went straight to DC.

Me and DH have our own assets which would be left to him on my death. I just don't want it to include my parents estate which I'd rather went to our DC.

As a child of a father who had a reasonable amount of money and then found themself in roughly the situation you fear I'd say go for it.

Dad's family had a trust fund which eventually ended with him. He remarried but did not update his will. When he died quite unexpectedly, she got the lot and it was made clear it would go to her children not us. We got to choose one thing each which I've still not been given although he died in 2016

I suppose I don't really care about the money though it would have been useful but I do care that nearly all of his stuff will end up going to adult step children we've never even met.

Sorry I probably sound incredibly bitter but do take steps to protect your child's future. Its not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end of a situation like this.

Why are you not planning to enjoy some of the inheritance yourself? I find it bizarre that you would rather get nothing yourself, and that your child will be set up for life.

Wouldn't you want to use the money to treat your dh to a round the world trip/allow you both to retire early etc?

Do you love your dh at all?

You're confusing my money with my parents.

If you take steps to avoid inheriting money so that your DH and his children can’t benefit in any way from it, do you really believe that’s not going to have an impact on your relationship?

@Wheelerdeeler

Why are you not planning to enjoy some of the inheritance yourself? I find it bizarre that you would rather get nothing yourself, and that your child will be set up for life.

Wouldn't you want to use the money to treat your dh to a round the world trip/allow you both to retire early etc?

Do you love your dh at all?

I've said nothing about mine and DHs finances. We are comfortable ourselves, we don't need the money. If my parents wanted to, they could leave us something I guess, but the capital I would want to go to DC, me and DH don't need it.

Yes, I would, but don't think I would be in this situation, so is unlikely.
I would only get remarried/go out with someone that was willing to treat my kids as equals, and not have a dichotomy of financial, emotional treatment between biological and step kids. Would expect the same from them as well.
Would never want my kids to feel second class or marginalised due to my relationship.
Unless the 'kids' are all grown up when we met etc, then I think it is different

For me, this is about gifts w strings. I reckon that anything I have is also my husband's (and vv). I also don't think that the giver can keep hold of any strings at all, once a gift is given.

So, if your parents leave their estate to you, then if I were your DH I would feel really sore about the idea that you'd want all of that to go to your child and not to mine.

On the inheritance - if it can skip straight to your child, that seems a good idea.

On your wills - worth working this one out. I have a friend who is one of 5 (first marriage - 4 kids, second marriage -1) so when his dad and step mum died, assets were split 6/10, 1/10, 1/10, 1/10, 1/10 - which is 'fair' but hasn't made relationships easy... )

@flaviaritt

You're confusing my money with my parents.

If you take steps to avoid inheriting money so that your DH and his children can’t benefit in any way from it, do you really believe that’s not going to have an impact on your relationship?

Yes, this is the sentiment behind my thinking. Forget about the money for a while OP and focus on the emotional impact. Please try to imagine how you would feel in your DH's shoes if things were to happen the other way around. Unless you're saying that your current joint income and lifestyle allows for unlimited enjoyment of all of the fine things in life, your DH would soon become very put off by the thought of staying with somebody who doesn't consider her husband her next of kin.

Personally I would be very upset by this. I don't have a blended family, and I understand that some things would be different for the children from different relationships, but I have known blended families where rifts have been caused by different treatment from grandparents, including financial differences.

I think it would be very hard for parents to create a sense of equality and caring between children and their step-siblings if there was a plan for them to be very unequal in a future life. That's assuming by 'large estate' you mean that your child will one day be wealthy?

I don't really understand why it's so important that the whole money/property just goes to this one child. Surely if they have enough to buy a home then they have enough money for security (assuming that your child will be able to earn a living in some way). Wouldn't you hope that your dc will grow up kind and generous and with enough love for his/her step-siblings to not want a lot of privileges that aren't shared with them? So I'd worry that if a child is growing up knowing that they are going to inherit a lot of money, that they are actually being given a message of what's mine is mine, sharing isn't good.

I don't think I'd be happy if my children had a step-parent who felt like this, and I don't think I would marry someone with children if I had wealth that I felt needed to be ringfenced out of the reach of my dh or stepchildren. I'm not saying you shouldn't do this OP, just that I could understand if your dh or stepchildren were upset - not because they want your money, but because of what it seems to say about your beliefs about property ownership, sharing, equality, etc. Maybe your dh won't feel like this at all, but I think it's something that needs to be discussed.

How about you and your DC become joint beneficiaries, so they get 1/2 (or more) all for themselves, and whatever you get does become part of the pool of assets that you and your DH eventually pass on, in accordance w your wills.

I find this a bit mystifying to be honest. You're talking about a 'substantial' amount. For argument's sake, lets say that's 1 million.

You and your DH already have a house, and are set up financially. So this money would not be essential, and you are considering it by-passing you entirely to go to your DC.

What is wrong with a set up where your DC receives, say, half the value of the trust and your receive the other half, with your half going to your DH after you die? In which case, you and your DH can benefit from whatever 'life upgrades' the money can give you, and your DC will have a ring-fenced amount. If you outlive your DH, you can decide if you want to leave some of it to you step children. If you don't, and he splits it three ways in forty years time, it may help preserve your DCs relationship with their siblings that a they are not in a wildly different financial position.

The idea of going through complicated legal structures to avoid your DH getting any benefit of your inheritance just isn't my idea of a marriage, and I say that as an only child who is also likely to inherit a substantial amount. We actually talked about that recently, DH and I (prompted by something we watched): If I were to somehow pre-decease my parents I imagine they would change their will to leave it all to our DC, but I would actually rather it went to my husband. I entirely appreciate he might then re-marry, have more children, and divide it further. But he is a decent, honourable man, and I think my child having half-siblings they had a good relationship with would be more important to me than the idea that money from our bloodline was somehow being shared amount people I wasn't related to.

I'd certainly find that preferable than a world where my child somehow got access to the equivalent of a lottery win at 18 years old with nobody able to guide them.

These situations are complicated, I do know of scenarios where the wife dies, the husband inherits and remarries and all money is left to the new wife and the children are written out. Definitely steps should be taken to avoid that. But putting all this money our of reach of your husband and step-children smacks of a relationship with no trust, as does not being able to talk about it. Some kind of specific bequest to their grandchild and a share for you that is seen as family money seems a lot more palatable.

I would only get remarried/go out with someone that was willing to treat my kids as equals, and not have a dichotomy of financial, emotional treatment between biological and step kids. Would expect the same from them as well.

This. And I would only invite children into my own family if I honestly thought I could do this. The thought of my daughter being set for life and her siblings not is a bit

I would hope she would just share it with them anyway.

I very strongly suggest that you have a private consult with a solicitor (not one you share) to discuss all that and find out what your options are. Then, when you know what 's what, you can approach DP and discuss how to arrange your respective Wills.

As your parents are already well versed in trust funds etc he won't be surprised you know all about them.

I wouldn't be at all offended. And am in a similar situation but not the same scale as an inheritance, so have been thinking about this kind of thing a lot. DHs ex, has started kicking off as I am not paying into DSCs trust funds. But I am paying into my childrens Apparently I am being very unfair, despite the fact that her family (and DH, and his family) all pay into DSCs, and she could also but choses not to. Her issue appears to be that DHs family, and my family pay into my childrens, so me adding ontop means mine are getting more. 'Even though they will already be getting more as your family is well off'. So really, I see this as her kicking off because she choses to spend HER money elsewhere, and not pay into her kids', and I prioritise differently.

Because of this (minor issue really, compared to inheritance stuff) I can see how much trouble this has the potential to cause, and really do not envy you. I wouldn't have thought anyone would find this offensive, until I went through all this nonsense!

Sorry for random rant also. Seemed to fit quite well.

You're confusing my money with my parents. if you inherit it it will be your money.

If you tell your parents not to leave it to you because you don’t want your dh or his children to have any of it then the message is very clear on how you feel about all of them, your DH included.

And let’s add another dimension here. Your child with DH inherits all this money, as such they are incredibly well off. Is it therefore not reasonable that your DH should leave all the money to his DC when he dies because your child has already been well provided for?

This kind of thing can only cause division IMO.

It wouldn’t be ‘my parents’ money’ after their deaths, it’d be their beneficiary’s (or beneficiaries).

IMO much here depends on ages etc of the DC and the step family set up and relationships

Eg example 1: step DC in late teens/adults already, your own DC much younger, and you have had relatively little contact with the step DC. Example 2: DC with not much age gap, you’d lived in a blended family for many years with 50% of time at yours.

@AlternativePerspective

You're confusing my money with my parents. if you inherit it it will be your money.

If you tell your parents not to leave it to you because you don’t want your dh or his children to have any of it then the message is very clear on how you feel about all of them, your DH included.

And let’s add another dimension here. Your child with DH inherits all this money, as such they are incredibly well off. Is it therefore not reasonable that your DH should leave all the money to his DC when he dies because your child has already been well provided for?

This kind of thing can only cause division IMO.

If our DC was taken care of through my parents inheritance I actually wouldn't give much thought to DH leaving his half of assets to his children solely. Is this not a thread you see here all the time? 'my parents are leaving my brother more in their will because he's not as financially secure as me'. Genuinely, I would not have a problem with this if our DC were taken care of through my parents estate.