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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 16:56

Yes because my experience of being in a step family and consequent opinions on the matter has received nothing but respect on this thread @Youseethethingis Grin

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 16:56

No, I just don’t like that you are spouting all sorts of simple ideas over an area of family life which is actually very complex. I don’t like when people can’t respect other people’s positions and how they may differ from your own.

I have said the OP has a legal right to do it. That is respect for her position. I just don’t agree with it and am not going to pretend to make you feel special, Yousee. You think I am wrong and I think you are wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 16:57

No idea what Lucozade is in about. Might be worth quoting the post where someone said what you are saying they've said so people can address the actual point rather than that garbled version of it?

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 16:58

Yes because my experience of being in a step family and consequent opinions on the matter has received nothing but respect on this thread @Youseethethingis grin

Indeed. I don’t feel I have been shown “respect” either. More like, I have garnered a lot of personal comments and aggro for daring to reveal that I have a clear opinion on something I may one day do. Outrageous! 😂

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 17:20

@VeniceQueen2004

No idea what Lucozade is in about. Might be worth quoting the post where someone said what you are saying they've said so people can address the actual point rather than that garbled version of it?
My mistake Venice, I was referring to this but see now that I misread it and you also disagree with a step parent protecting assets they had prior to marriage for their children too. Seems bonkers to me personally (and I'm glad a few others on this thread have said they are doing exactly this). But each to their own.

Completely different. You are trying to protect your money from being divvied up between children you have nothing to do with who don't even exist; not children who you knew all about when you decided to commit to them (by marrying their father and having them live in your home)

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 17:20

But (if I am reading this correctly) you think I am wrong and it would be actually wrong for the OP to do what I think she should do, so you think your way is the right way. No?

No. I think OP should do what SHE thinks she should do, what is good for her and her family. Not what you think she should do. Or what I think might be best.
You see the difference? I'm not so arrogant as to think I know whats best for OP, as you are.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 17:22

No. I think OP should do what SHE thinks she should do, what is good for her and her family.

So, there is no family matter you put on one side or the other of your own moral compass, or is it just this one? If the former, that’s very weird and I also think it is wrong. If the latter, this is just an issue you don’t care much about and I do. Again, just a matter of differing opinion.

nitreatoalasg · 01/12/2020 17:25

Y'all are posting in a troll thread now, just so you know.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 17:26

@nitreatoalasg

Y'all are posting in a troll thread now, just so you know.
Yes the actual discussion has run its course it appears.
justanotherremainer · 01/12/2020 17:26

Please please please get legal advice.

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 17:27

Yes because my experience of being in a step family and consequent opinions on the matter has received nothing but respect on this thread @Youseethethingis grin
I happen to think some of the comments have been unfair to you as you have Corsair been very hurt by how things went in your family.
That’s not so say I think for one second my DSD or her parents want me wading in and imposing my inherited parenthood on them all regardless of how they may feel about it.

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 17:28

Clearly, not Corsair Hmm
My phones autocorrect being another thing that baffles me in life Grin

jwpetal · 01/12/2020 17:58

Hi. I am currently working on this myself. My situation is more complicated as I am not British. My father's trust designates that it should go down the family line ie to my children. My husband is hurt, but has signed a document stating that he has withdrawn his rights to the funds. My children are the beneficiaries. That is the basic answer. He is the executor and will receive funds upon my death, but they will receive the bulk of the money. You could give a gift to your step children as well as your husband if you wanted.

Eatdrinkbemerry · 01/12/2020 18:01

Hi OP

I fully understand what you are saying and worried about. The inheritance is from your parents and you want your child to benefit from that.

If I was in you’re shoes I would get legal advice and speak to your parents about possibly leaving it in trust to your DC. That way the decision has come from your parents.

I don’t know how yours or any other family dynamics work, but I do know (worked in probate department as a paralegal) inheritance situations bring out the worst in people.

After leaving my paralegal role I made a will that ensured my partner had a share of my inheritance but also put special stipulations in to protect my DD as if my partner chose to remarry then I would not want my inheritance to go to any new wife or child. That doesn’t mean I would leave DP on the streets! I just have a portion put aside for DD.

This may sound cold or harsh but my priority is my child.

If your post was about yours and your husbands estate after death then I would say it should be split between all DC regardless of any being SC as you chose to marry into that family set up.

Hope this all makes sense.

Yogalola · 01/12/2020 18:32

Best to consult a solicitor and ensure the money goes to your children. No way should the step children or husband feel insulted as it’s from your side of the family.

FelicisNox · 01/12/2020 19:13

YANBU.

This is your inheritance to do with as you see fit and none of the above mentioned (apart from your own DC) are blood relatives so have no entitlement to this inheritance.

My DH is in the same boat as you and as far as I'm concerned his inheritance is none of my business/concern and as far as I'm aware that inheritance will go to his/our children but not to me or DD by 1st marriage and that's exactly how it should be because it's his family legacy.

If you want to discuss it with your DH in order to be transparent, by all means go ahead but put it to him thus: DH I'm seeing a solicitor to solidify all arrangements for my family inheritance after I'm gone and it will be solely left to DC in the event of my death, any questions?

You are effectively informing him of your decision, you are NOT asking for his opinion and if he's decent there should be no issue, if he argues the toss stand firm and repeat: this is my FAMILY inheritance and will not be passing to any blood relative outside of that. It's not up for discussion.

Stand firm. Do not be persuaded/bullied.

Susanw1985 · 01/12/2020 19:41

So I’m in a similar situation-husband and I recently did our wills. I’ve a relatively large inheritance that I’ll receive when my mum passes (hope to goodness no time soon). We have 3 kids together and he has a son from a past marriage. Both my mum has put in her will that her money/assets are for my 3 children if we both pass away and I’ve clearly stated in mine that my savings/share of the family home are solely for my 3. My husband has catered for his son in terms of splitting a rental property he has and any savings between his 4 children however his share of family home is in trust for our 3 as it was bought with my family money. It’s not nice but it’s only fair as his son will likely get money from his mother/her family too and he is 18 whereas our los are 1,3 and 4. We sought advice from financial adviser and it wasn’t cheap but I’m just happy it’s all sorted

ILoveYoga · 01/12/2020 20:16

If this were me in your DH shoes, I think that yes, this would bother me - it’s the making the changes now that would bother me

Wouldn’t be a bother if I entered the relationship knowing there was a trust for my spouse that I would not inherit but that my children of that marriage would (excluding children I entered marriage with from another relationship). It’s the after the fact change that would make me think the relationship wasn’t stable.

If your parents were to make the change, and your DH not know you instigated it, might be helpful. Perhaps life interest for yourself and then pass to your children.

I’m very fortunate. My DH and his family have always treated my son as though he were biologically part of the family. I met my husband when my son was 2 and married when my son was 5. I know my son is inheriting from my in laws in the same manner as my children I had with my husband.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 20:29

@ILoveYoga So given that you are the DH in this equation, why do you feel like your relationship can only be secure if your partner and their family is providing for your children equally to his own? Why is that a requirement?

Meraas · 01/12/2020 20:45

@ILoveYoga that's nice of your ILs, but it does sound like your DH has raised your son with you since he was 2?

TwoEEs · 01/12/2020 22:06

Why do you get to decide what to do with it! You’re talking like the money is yours already ‘what you would prefer’ it’s not up to you what it your parents want the step children to have some? They might want it to benefit you all?
Also my blended family is set up a bit like yours I was older before my stepdad was around. However regardless of the money I’d be really hurt to hear him refer to me the way you refer to your stepchildren and I’m an adult.
Also what they inherit from their mother or her mother is not comparable. Obviously your son wouldn’t get any because she’s not her parent or step parent. You are!

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 22:46

@TwoEEs

Why do you get to decide what to do with it! You’re talking like the money is yours already ‘what you would prefer’ it’s not up to you what it your parents want the step children to have some? They might want it to benefit you all? Also my blended family is set up a bit like yours I was older before my stepdad was around. However regardless of the money I’d be really hurt to hear him refer to me the way you refer to your stepchildren and I’m an adult. Also what they inherit from their mother or her mother is not comparable. Obviously your son wouldn’t get any because she’s not her parent or step parent. You are!
So kind of like when the OP said, she'd discuss it with her parents, it's ultimately their choice and if they don't want to do OPs suggestion then its up to them?

And if the parents do leave it to OP as is now, it absolutely is up to her to decide what to do with it once she has inherited it, including leaving it all to her DC. If the parents want to ensure some of it goes to her step children (which I doubt consider they have no relationship), they need to put that in their will. Once it goes to OP it is up to her to decide.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 22:49

@TwoEEs OP has said she is the sole beneficiary, if her parents wanted her step-children to have some they would have said.

OP has not referred to her step-children badly at all.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 23:11

OP has not referred to her step-children badly at all

Yes also not sure why you'd be very upset at the way the step children have been referred to? I don't find it upsetting that my step parents call me their step child. It's literally what I am? Just as I call them my step parents.

Mamanyt · 01/12/2020 23:58

I'd talk with your parents about making sure that the trust is inheritable by you, and subsequently by the heirs of your body. That takes you out of the equation (as far as DH and DSC are concerned. Ask your parents not to reveal that this was your suggestion.