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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:30

Your notions involve not treating SC equally, but better, to favour them and give them more. That's not healthy and its based on your own issues

So if someone speaks from principle they don't know what they're talking about; if someone speaks from experience it's down to 'their own issues'.

I'd like to know who is in a position to take a view on this in your opinion.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:32

you're talking about other people and their families, so not only do you require their agreement, they don't require yours. Its not your business what other people do

It is if they ask your opinion about it on the internet, surely?

phoenixrosehere · 01/12/2020 14:33
  • I actually think it's more to do with it just being the easiest way to leave it to her child. What's the point in it going to OP if she wants to then leave it to her DC? Far more messy legally speaking. She may as well just be bypassed completely. Inheritance tax etc... makes much more sense to do it this way.

And I don't think it's influencing anyone, she's repeatedly said she will discuss it with her parents and if they don't want to do it that way then it's up to them.*

Well said!!!

SiennaSienna · 01/12/2020 14:34

For what it's worth OP, I agree with your approach and would do the same.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:34

The problem is relationships can shift in a heartbeat. My exH went from wanting to lavish me with gifts to not seeing why we should split assets 50/50 when we split. I don’t think you should ever assume that your marriage will remain happy for life, always protect your DC.

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 14:35

There’s that defensiveness again.
There’s that closed mind again.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:35

I don't know where this being a coward about it has even come from? OP has said she will discuss it with her husband whether or not it bypasses her or goes to her. There doesn't appear to be anything secret about her intentions. Just that legally speaking, the easiest way for OP to do it would be for her parents to leave it to DC instead.

Cowardly would be to ask her parents to do it and then when it comes out go 'oh my goodness I had no idea, how horrible of them, oh well unfortunately there's nothing I can do now, what a shame'. She's not doing that.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:35

@Meraas

It’s very easy to be generous with hypothetical money

I've already said when my mum died leaving me actual money (not a lot, I accept), directing it to go 2/3 to me and 1/3 to my sister, I gave half to my sister. Because that was fair. And my mum was dead, so the ranking system she had imposed in her head was no longer relevant. So not purely theoretical.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:37

@VeniceQueen2004 but that’s a very different situation, she’s your sister, many would say she should have been left half anyway. It was a nice gesture from you though.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:37

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@Meraas

It’s very easy to be generous with hypothetical money

I've already said when my mum died leaving me actual money (not a lot, I accept), directing it to go 2/3 to me and 1/3 to my sister, I gave half to my sister. Because that was fair. And my mum was dead, so the ranking system she had imposed in her head was no longer relevant. So not purely theoretical.[/quote]
Was your sister your mum's daughter? If so it's not really comparable is it.

A comparison would be your mum leaving you money and then you splitting it with your step sibling, who wasn't your mum's child.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:39

A comparison would be your mum leaving you money and then you splitting it with your step sibling, who wasn't your mum's child.

If we'd been raised by my mum in the same house as each other I'd have done the same thing.

As it goes my stepsiblings via my mum's ex-husband never saw anything of their dad (my stepdad) so had nothing to do with my mum or us. If they had, I'd have split it between all of us (although there were 4 of them so we'd be talking tiny amounts at that point Grin ).

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:39

And anyway, we aren't talking about what the child would do with the money. OP said she wouldn't care if her DC split it with their siblings.

OP wants to leave it to them, just like your mum decieded how she wanted hers to be left. What you did with it thereafter was your choice as OP has said it would be her DCs.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:40

If we'd been raised by my mum in the same house as each other I'd have done the same thing

OP hasn't raised her step children

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:41

OP wants to leave it to them, just like your mum decieded how she wanted hers to be left. What you did with it thereafter was your choice as OP has said it would be her DCs

Yup. Just don't see why she'd want to go to such lengths to avoid sharing with the other children in her family unit. I mean we're clearly talking about a lot of money here; and she has parented these other kids (married their dad, had them live in her house).

No she doesn't have to; but I think she should want to. It's a personal opinion.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:42

OP hasn't raised her step children

She married their dad when they were kids. Assuming he has had any sort of normal contact, they've lived in her house at least some of the time, they are her daughter's half-siblings. She's not some random auntie.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:44

And anyway, we aren't talking about what the child would do with the money. OP said she wouldn't care if her DC split it with their siblings

the point is I did what I did to correct my mother's unfairness. If she had been fair in the first place, I wouldn't have had to.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:44

I guess living in the same house as children doesn't equal raising them or parenting them in my book.

My step children live with us part of the week. I met them when they were older kids though, both over 10. I would not consider them children that I had raised personally.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:45

@VeniceQueen2004

And anyway, we aren't talking about what the child would do with the money. OP said she wouldn't care if her DC split it with their siblings

the point is I did what I did to correct my mother's unfairness. If she had been fair in the first place, I wouldn't have had to.

In my opinion what your mother did was unfair because you were both her biological children. I don't agree it would have been unfair if your sister was your mum's step child. And many people here, on this thread and various others on the subject previously, agree.
LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 14:45

Just don't see why she'd want to go to such lengths to avoid sharing with the other children in her family unit. I mean we're clearly talking about a lot of money here; and she has parented these other kids (married their dad, had them live in her house)

Shes not going to any lengths, just doing a normal inheritance thing.
she has not parented these children, she is not their parent. She's been quite clear on that.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:45

My step children live with us part of the week. I met them when they were older kids though, both over 10. I would not consider them children that I had raised personally

Yup. And therein is the point. Some stepparents see marrying someone with kids infers some sort of responsibility/partnership in raising those kids. Others not so much. The kids pretty much learn to accept what they're given.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:45

Yup. Just don't see why she'd want to go to such lengths to avoid sharing with the other children in her family unit. I mean we're clearly talking about a lot of money here; and she has parented these other kids (married their dad, had them live in her house).

The urge to leave your estate to your own descendants is pretty atavistic. Those descendants could be your own blood, adopted or even DSC that you raised full time. I don’t think DSC that have a mum and dad and who you didn’t raise satisfy that urge.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:47

The urge to leave your estate to your own descendants is pretty atavistic. Those descendants could be your own blood, adopted or even DSC that you raised full time. I don’t think DSC that have a mum and dad and who you didn’t raise satisfy that urge

There's a lot of primal urges that we don't necessarily give in to because they don't accord with what we believe to be morally right. Morality varies; I've got my version, the OP asked for people's views.

seashellseashell123 · 01/12/2020 14:47

Once again another thread where the same people are projecting their feelings about stepchildren/parents onto the OP in a scenario that is nothing like their own. It's so predictable it's boringHmm

Back in the real world OP what you're proposing to do is perfectly reasonable and sensible. My step children won't be inheriting anything from me, they have their own parents and extended relatives to potentially inherit from, I owe them nothing and they're certainly not entitled to anything of mine when I die just because I married their dad. What a bizarre way to think. Nor will they inherit anything from my family that's even more bizarre.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 14:47

ome stepparents see marrying someone with kids infers some sort of responsibility/partnership in raising those kids. Others not so much. The kids pretty much learn to accept what they're given.

Can you try to understand that many step children are not interested in being parented by people who are not their parents? And parents are not interested in other people pretending to be parents to their children?
You are so blinkered,

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:47

@VeniceQueen2004

My step children live with us part of the week. I met them when they were older kids though, both over 10. I would not consider them children that I had raised personally

Yup. And therein is the point. Some stepparents see marrying someone with kids infers some sort of responsibility/partnership in raising those kids. Others not so much. The kids pretty much learn to accept what they're given.

It's not about that. But at the ages they were, they didn't need another person raising them. They have two established parents who raise them and parent them, they are not little kids. They didn't need 'raising' they were already half way raised for starters 😂 I'm a friendly person who has a good relationship with them but I don't raise them. Their parents do.