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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:49

I owe them nothing and they're certainly not entitled to anything of mine when I die just because I married their dad

Oooh that really gave me the warm and fuzzies that did Grin

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:50

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

Can I ask why you feel the need to keep calling names? Can't you express a dissenting view without being so ill-mannered?

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:52

In my opinion, I owe them kindness and to be made to feel welcome in their dads home, I owe them never to come in-between their relationship with their Dad, I owe them respect as my husband's kids.

That doesn't extend to owing them an equal share in my child's inheritance from their grandparents. My line is drawn before that regarding my duty as a step parent.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 14:54

Can I ask why you feel the need to keep calling names? Can't you express a dissenting view without being so ill-mannered

What names? Saying you are blinkered when you so clearly are is not name calling, nor ill mannered.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:56

There are so many threads on MN where a spouse treats their children from different partners differently. Sometimes the spouse is better to his first set of children due to a sense of guilt for leaving their ex or sometimes the spouse is better to their second set of children because they’re the new, shiny family.

There is no guarantee that OP’s DH will treat all 3 of his children equally, therefore it’s up to OP to ensure she secures the best possible outcome for her own DC with regards to her parents’ money

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:59

@Meraas

There are so many threads on MN where a spouse treats their children from different partners differently. Sometimes the spouse is better to his first set of children due to a sense of guilt for leaving their ex or sometimes the spouse is better to their second set of children because they’re the new, shiny family.

There is no guarantee that OP’s DH will treat all 3 of his children equally, therefore it’s up to OP to ensure she secures the best possible outcome for her own DC with regards to her parents’ money

Agree it's extremely naive to say anyone should just trust their spouse to do the right thing. Even in nuclear families. There are far too many examples of this going horribly wrong, ever seen the relationships board?

No matter how solid I thought my marriage were or how perfect my husband was, I would always want provisions in place to protect the DC if the worst were to happen.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:59

There are ways to disagree with my view without attacking me as a person. You could say my view was blinkered; instead you choose to direct it at me as a person. The difference between "that's a stupid thing to say" and "you're so stupid".

I'm of the view that words and how we use them matter. Another of my unpopular views Grin

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 15:00

Nobody is attacking you as a person. Are you always this sensitive?

Meraas · 01/12/2020 15:04

Agree it's extremely naive to say anyone should just trust their spouse to do the right thing. Even in nuclear families. There are far too many examples of this going horribly wrong, ever seen the relationships board?

No matter how solid I thought my marriage were or how perfect my husband was, I would always want provisions in place to protect the DC if the worst were to happen.

Totally agree. My ex went from wanting to buy me a £20k car to saying, virtually overnight, ‘why do you need to own a home when we divorce? Just rent a flat’. This is after us both having full time jobs throughout our marriage.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 15:07

I guess living in the same house as children doesn't equal raising them or parenting them in my book.

Mine either. If I lived with a sibling and their kids, for example, no. But this is about marrying their mum or dad, and actually I think that makes you a family, or needs to mean you are prepared to behave as such.

Jakey056 · 01/12/2020 15:07

Seek legal advice but is it not possible to:

  • See what your parents can directly leave to their grandchildren. I do not live in UK but in Ireland this is substantial and you can do it each year. This can be in a bank account or investment. Tax free.
  • Ring fence X assets & get your parents to put this in their will that the value of X assets or % value should be used by you to go to their grandchildren.

Outside of this you can leave other assets to your husband so he still benefits.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 15:08

called out for being rude; plays "snowflake" card

Are you always this predictable?

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 15:27

actually I think that makes you a family, or needs to mean you are prepared to behave as such
Different ways to make a family, not just your way.
My DH was the child who was told his half brothers father was his dad, their grandparents were his grandparents etc. He was dropped like a hot potato by them when his mothers relationship broke down. Just as well he didn’t really believe any of it, although it did still hurt him. So no, he doesn’t require nor see it as desirable for DSD to be told anything of the sort. He expects me to care for her and be kind to her, which I am, and my family are too. That’s enough for all of us. I can’t understand why you are so bloody minded that you simply cannot imagine anyone else’s real life family being different your imaginary one.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 15:43

The reason you sound so ridiculous flaviaritt is that you are absolutely adamant that the only way to go into being a step parent with "best intentions" is to be prepared to be an adoptive parent, which is a totally different thing. You are assuming that the default for what a step parent "is" is somebody who is a third parent to the child, the children consider them the same as their parents and vice versa, so only being prepared to do less than that is falling short. Whereas in reality this is extremely, extremely unlikely unless you are marrying a lone parent or widower, and is not inherently what being a step parent means.

I did go into being a step parent with the best intentions - intentions to have a good relationship with my step son and be a positive part of his life, and to support my DP in his upbringing. I didn't somehow have bad intentions because I didn't expect him to become my actual son and for me to become his second mother.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 15:44

Different ways to make a family, not just your way.

This is like saying there are different ways to raise a child. I know. Some are not what I would do, but I don’t have a particular problem with them. Some are not what I would do and I do. This is the latter. I can’t help it! It’s just what I think.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 15:46

The reason you sound so ridiculous flaviaritt is that you are absolutely adamant that the only way to go into being a step parent with "best intentions" is to be prepared to be an adoptive parent, which is a totally different thing.

And the reason you sound ridiculous is that I haven’t said that at all.

Womencanlift · 01/12/2020 15:46

@VeniceQueen2004

My step children live with us part of the week. I met them when they were older kids though, both over 10. I would not consider them children that I had raised personally

Yup. And therein is the point. Some stepparents see marrying someone with kids infers some sort of responsibility/partnership in raising those kids. Others not so much. The kids pretty much learn to accept what they're given.

As the kid in this scenario you are explaining I do not think my step mum raised me even when I went to my dads. She is not my parent my mum and dad are. And my step mum was mature enough to know that and not insist she was my second mum
Womencanlift · 01/12/2020 15:48

Oh and I should mention that me and my sister were under 7 when my step mum became that.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 15:51

@VeniceQueen2004

I have recently come into some inheritance from my grandad, or rather my parents have and they have divided up a portion for me and my sister with the caveat that it is intended to be used for a house deposit. Technically I could spend it all on trainers and takeaways but I'm not doing so because I know that is the money my grandparents worked for all their life, and I want to honour them by using it for something they would have wanted me to invest in.

I don't consider it remotely controlling that my parents tried to steer me in that direction. You may view inheritance as just money that should be thrown into the family pot, but to me (and a lot of others on this thread) it is an accumulation of a loved one's life and work and it should be used in a way that honours their memory.

I know that will mean very little to you as you are absolutely convinced that it is unacceptable for step parents or their family to view step children as anything other than exactly the same as their biological grand/children, but frankly you do exactly the same thing on every thread and I just wanted to address your point about inheritance.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 15:53

I agree womencanlift, I'd never consider my step parents as the ones who raised me. I get on with them but my parents are definitely the ones who raised me.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 15:58

@flaviaritt you have literally said that multiple times.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 15:59

flaviaritt you have literally said that multiple times.

Please point me to where I literally said it. You might think I essentially said it (I didn’t - that’s you) but, indisputably, I have not literally said it.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 16:02

You have said it though. You know it, we all know it. It's glaringly obvious

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 16:05

This is like saying there are different ways to raise a child. I know. Some are not what I would do, but I don’t have a particular problem with them. Some are not what I would do and I do. This is the latter. I can’t help it! It’s just what I think.
Which is fine, but you keep saying everyone else is just plain wrong for living different lives than you do. That’s why people are getting pissy at you. It’s not the different approach you like to think you’d take, it’s the looking down on everyone else that’s the problem.

VanGoghsDog · 01/12/2020 16:07

@flaviaritt

Different ways to make a family, not just your way.

This is like saying there are different ways to raise a child. I know. Some are not what I would do, but I don’t have a particular problem with them. Some are not what I would do and I do. This is the latter. I can’t help it! It’s just what I think.

Yes, you can "help" what you think. Apply some analytical thought processes using the information countless people have given you and think differently.