To think he's BU or am I?

[rispettare]

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

Your husband punched your son and you're asking who's in the wrong? I get your DH is upset but you never, ever physically assault your children.

Bit confused as to who did what to whom but whoever punched someone is an absolute dick.

@iklboogeymum

Your husband punched your son and you're asking who's in the wrong? I get your DH is upset but you never, ever physically assault your children.

This.

I would be telling DH to leave the house for a few days. Your son would be entitled to call the police and report DH. Don’t brush this under the carpet.

Yes what your husband did was wrong, but stop and think for a second. He is obviously reliving (what I can imagine) is the worst moments of his life.

In the grand scheme here your son needs some reassurance... but your husband needs you to listen and help him.

I am not sure ppl calling your DH a dick etc really have your best interests at heart ( there agenda will be something else entirely).
YOu DH had a traumatic experience that you can never recover from. He was wrong to hit your DS, but I think it is understandable that the whole shock made him unstable.
He does need to calm him down but I think proper counselling for him and probably your DS too is in order.

And, like clockwork, here come the excuses for male violence, I knew it wouldn’t be long

I suspect from his reaction, and yours, that this isn't the first time your husband has been abusive.

Your husband punched your son and you're actually asking who's being unreasonable?

@Meraas.

Please do expand on the trauma you felt when you lost your twin. You know what that is like, huh? Oh wait ... you probably don’t. So please do hush now about things you don’t know about.

OP... this isn’t a case of who ate the crisps...it’s trauma and grief, neither of which are reasonable be it a man or woman experiencing it.

I hope your son has already called the police to press charges.

Is your son ok? Grief of not, there isn't an excuse for violence and the fact you're asking if it was ok in this instance suggests there's been other incidents where he's argued it was reasonable to be violent.

I get your DH being upset at DS but DS needs reassuring this isn't on him. Telling you or DH, DH blundering it to fix it, none of that guarantees DN wouldn't have don't this anyway.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Please do expand on the trauma you felt when you lost your twin. You know what that is like, huh? Oh wait ... you probably don’t. So please do hush now about things you don’t know about.

Oh do bore off. There is no excuse for punching your child.

Trauma and grief does not make assault acceptable.

Yes of course people react irrationally when going through such a horrendous thing, but that doesn't make it OK to punch someone, let alone your own child.

And to blame his son for this is disgusting. I know what it is like to have a member of the family that is genuinely suicidal. They need to be able to trust people around them or they won't open up at all. Your son telling someone else would have broken that trust and the decision would have been made regardless. Its a very delicate line to walk when dealing with suicidal feelings, and now your poor son is going to be carrying that on his shoulders for the rest of his life thanks to his father.

Did I say it was ok that he hit his son? Someone please point that out. Because, if you bother to look I’m damn sure I wrote it was wrong.

So stop with the black and white... people are messy and do wrong things that are understandable. You are not helping the OP by pitting son against father in this case.

@MrsTerryPratchett
I suspect from his reaction, and yours, that this isn't the first time your husband has been abusive.

Whilst I am not saying your wrong, as the OP doesn't say it, doesn't hint at it and would have probably mentioned it before if it was a practice usually carried out, that your suspicions come from your own prejudices than anything else.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Yes what your husband did was wrong, but stop and think for a second. He is obviously reliving (what I can imagine) is the worst moments of his life.

In the grand scheme here your son needs some reassurance... but your husband needs you to listen and help him.

Man punches son, woman is responsible for loving him.

I can't say the things I want to say without getting sanctioned, so as a person who was also punched by her father for being upset...you are very wrong, and what you say is dangerous.

There are no excuses for the punch none at all. Ideally your ds should have spoken to someone but most people let alone 21 year olds are ill equipped to deal with someone who is potentially suicidal.
There’s plenty aloof people to point a finger at if you want to go down the route of the blame game but the reality is this was outside most people’s control.
You need to look after your own sons mental health now, he’s been assaulted by his father and is now blaming himself for his cousins state. That is not a good place to be in.

Oh OP, I'm so so sorry your thread is going like this. Mumsnet is not ideal at times, people have no issue pushing their own agenda forgetting there are real people suffering at the other side of the screen. Do you have anyone IRL you can speak to? This sounds like an awful awful situation, I hope everyone comes out of it ok

Your DH is so very wrong, I'm gobsmacked anyone's tried to excuse his violence towards his son, he has none.

Please look after your DS as a priority. If he's feeling any guilt for a situation that ultimately wasn't his fault or in any way down to him to prevent, he needs your support and love to know he didn't cause this. Any guilt he feels may be compounded by his father's reaction, he needs looking after. This is a horrible situation and it is in no way your son's fault.

I can’t imagine a situation where I would hit my child and it’s certainly not right therefore your husband is definitely unreasonable on this.

However a couple of years ago a family members (inlaws) brother killed himself and it destroyed the family and devastated individuals. The reactions were different amongst the different family members anger, upset, not eating, not going out and this has lasted for over 2 years for some. If it happened for a second time I don’t know what the reaction would be. Especially if someone had an insight into what they had planned. I doubt their initial reaction would be thought through and they may regret it afterwards.

For me what happens next would depend on what your husband is normally like. If this is completely out of character I would try my best to facilitate moving forward. If it is not however then I would not

I'm gobsmacked anyone's tried to excuse his violence towards his son, he has none.

MN does not USUALLY pull the "you must love him more" and "you're just man-haters" bullshit when a man lays a fist into his own son, even if other places do. As someone who got fists laid into me when my father was upset about something, I'm really, really struggling not to say what I really think about this. No fear, assault apologists...as angry as I am, if I were there in the room with you, I wouldn't punch you.

OP, this is absolutely NOT your son's fault and you don't have to accept it either. A family tragedy is heartbreaking and ideally you would support each other through it, but it's not an excuse to assault people. The world isn't your husband's stress punchbag.

The overwhelming majority of people who commit suicide in the UK have had recent contact with mental health services - I forget the exact figures, but it is around two-thirds having contact with MH professional within 48h hours before the suicide, and above 90% in the week prior.

If professionals miss it, how can a young lad with no MH training be expected to read the other kid's mind and know exactly what he is going to do?

I have been in this position with my best friend, who has a large number of suicide attempts behind her (she is fine now thankfully). The last time, we got very drunk a few days before it happened and she told us how she was feeling. I thought on balance, having known her for so many years and having seen many prior suicide attempts, that on this occasion it was the drink talking and she wouldn't actually do it - she did. At that point, I had almost 20 years experience of dealing with her and her issues, and I still called it wrong. The psychiatrist that she saw in the days prior also got it wrong.

It is not fair for anyone to blame your son in this scenario. Please tell him that, as many times as is needed for it to sink in. It is not his fault.