To think he's BU or am I?

[rispettare]

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

God that’s awful, he punched your son and let him think it was his fault?

That would be a marriage ended for me. At the very least you need to speak to him and get him to apologise. Your son was put in an impossible position by the nephew. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Did I say it was ok that he hit his son? Someone please point that out. Because, if you bother to look I’m damn sure I wrote it was wrong.

I find your comments grotesque. You dismiss the victim as needing ‘some’ reassurance but exhort the OP to help her husband as what he did was understandable.

Given your advice to me to ‘hush your mouth’ (no, I won’t, who do you think you are), it’s apparent why you’re on the side of the abusive husband.

@PrincessNutNut I’m so sorry that happened to you. There is never any place for violence in a home.

Bloody hell. People are excusing the DH punching his son.

Of course it's not your son's fault. Whatever he did would have been wrong. He was in a difficult position.

[quote Meraas]@PrincessNutNut I’m so sorry that happened to you. There is never any place for violence in a home. [/quote]
Thank you. I'm sorry, I do not mean to me-rail OP's thread. Just trying to show why the apologists are so damn wrong and OP, this isn't your fault or your son's, and you do not have to put up with it. The family tragedy is indescribably terrible but it doesn't make punch bags of you, and somehow I doubt your husband would accept being assaulted as a result of it either.

I can't believe what I'm reading. He punched his son. Punched his own son. Outrageous and I don't care how traumatised this father is. His son (and daughter for that matter) is now likely traumatised for life. I know I would be if my dad had ever punched my brother in front of me during a family crisis. Outrageous.

That all to say that you are definitely not BU.

And apparently when men are struggling it's acceptable for them to physically attack people. Wow, I think people excusing the husband are missing the fact that it is the son who is the victim in this situation.

And love him more so he doesn't hit his children? Really? The 1950s wants you back and they can have you.

Your DH is 100% wrong.

The punch was deeply wrong and worrying.

The emotional punch was awful too. Your DH has experienced a suicide and should know it can't be predicted and nobody else is responsible.

I suggest you get your son some therapy asap. Your DH can sort his own out.

Be completely clear to DH and DS that DH was wrong, DS is not at fault and even if he were DH's punch was totally unacceptable.

No DH isn't normally violent. He does shout at DD and DS (not as much at DS now he's older) and he is quite strict. DS said he didn't want to tell anyone as nephew said he was the only person he trusted so he didn't want to break it. I've reassured son that it isn't his fault and he hasn't reported Dh to the police.

Has DH apologised to DS yet?

Your husband is disgusting and quite honestly you should be ashamed that you haven't called the police yourself.

Punching someone because you're angry they didn't tell you something is bang out of order. Your D's was in an impossible situation and was probably too young to know how to handle that information. What a huge burden to carry.

Your poor kids.

Your dh is an arsehole. I don't care how sad he is.

No, DH hasn't apologised to DS yet but he hasn't seen him today as I think DS is trying to avoid husband as he took DD to school (doesn't ever take her as he normally has a lie in when he's off on a Monday) and now he's gone to the shop.

Grief is not an excuse for violence towards his own son. Your poor DS will now think he could've prevented his cousins death had he only told his dad. What an awful thing to put on him. Shame on your DH and on you tbh.

Your husband needs to understand, really understand, that he's not a good person for his reasons for punching. "I was just so upset because my son knew his cousin was struggling and didn't say anything, punching him was a show of how strong my love and concern for suicidal people is, it was righteous anger and shows I'm actually a flawed hero"....no. No no no. Your son was in an impossible position, he's only 21, it wasn't his fault, like as not he didn't realise the severity of the situation but couldn't have changed it if he had. He probably felt he was the only one his cousin could trust and thought that the best thing he could do would be to do what the cousin asked. Your son is absolutely not to blame and if your husband starts trying to sanctify himself by claiming his assault was just a sign of how powerfully he feels his morals...no. He must not get away with thinking that his violence and abuse makes him a flawed hero. If he is to redeem himself for this, he needs to see it as it is.

@Meraas

And, like clockwork, here come the excuses for male violence, I knew it wouldn’t be long

Yep here they come.

Your DH is in the wrong, clearly, but tbh I sort of understand. His twin dies to suicide and then he finds out his twin's son attempted suicide and that your DS had known the other was struggling and not said anything. Whilst the violence and verbal aggression are absolutely, completely wrong, I imagine in your DH's place I too would behave appallingly and be a mess of terror and fury and panic.

And, like clockwork, here come the excuses for male violence, I knew it wouldn’t be long

And, like clockwork, here come the derailing attempts to make this a conversation about gender, I knew it wouldn't be long

@unmarkedbythat

Your DH is in the wrong, clearly, but tbh I sort of understand. His twin dies to suicide and then he finds out his twin's son attempted suicide and that your DS had known the other was struggling and not said anything. Whilst the violence and verbal aggression are absolutely, completely wrong, I imagine in your DH's place I too would behave appallingly and be a mess of terror and fury and panic.

I don't think any of us have trouble understanding that the husband was very distressed and very understandably so. It's not the point.

People seem to struggle to understand the difference between an explanation and an excuse. Context does matter. It is relevant. The reasons for an action are the point if you want to actually improve a situation and minimise risk rather than pontificate about the terrible men and how people want to excuse male violence. Gender politics is not the point here but pp are keen to try and make it so.

I cannot stand MN sometimes. OP, I hope your family heals.

. . . and now your son is taking steps to absent himself from his home and his apparently unrepentant, violent father. Terrific.

@unmarkedbythat

And, like clockwork, here come the excuses for male violence, I knew it wouldn’t be long

And, like clockwork, here come the derailing attempts to make this a conversation about gender, I knew it wouldn't be long

That was already done in one of the early apologist posts that tried to pin our objections to this on merely hating men (never mind that it was a man who was assaulted). The comment has been deleted but you can see it in one of my posts where I quote it. I'm off to get that post deleted but if you're quick you'll spot it.

It's the violence apologists who made this a gender issue.

Your husband is a cunt.

The violence is very bad. The mental abuse is even worse. Your son may spend the rest of his life blaming himself for his cousin’s death.

@unmarkedbythat

Your DH is in the wrong, clearly, but tbh I sort of understand. His twin dies to suicide and then he finds out his twin's son attempted suicide and that your DS had known the other was struggling and not said anything. Whilst the violence and verbal aggression are absolutely, completely wrong, I imagine in your DH's place I too would behave appallingly and be a mess of terror and fury and panic.

Would you have punched your own child?