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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's BU or am I?

154 replies

rispettare · 30/11/2020 00:59

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

OP posts:
CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 17:45

Being angry was probably a stress reaction and some grief tied in about his brother.

Punching his son is so unacceptable as is making him feel responsible for DN suicide attempt. What a way to fuck someone up.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/12/2020 19:07

@june2007

Your writting style makes it very hard o understand the whole picture. But a few issues. Yes t is wrong to hit. but we are not talking about a child we are talking abut 21 year old. Not that makes much difference. But this isn,t usual behaviour as you have said, he may be blaming your son as perhaps he things your son good have helped. Perhaps counselling would help
I don't understand the confusion. Her DHs nephew is in hospital and that boys father died of suicide (DHs brother ). DS knew his cousin felt like that and told DH who punched him. I don't think it's that he thought he could help I think he thought DS should have told someone so someone could help. Which is fair enough.
PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 02/12/2020 19:10

@june2007

Your writting style makes it very hard o understand the whole picture. But a few issues. Yes t is wrong to hit. but we are not talking about a child we are talking abut 21 year old. Not that makes much difference. But this isn,t usual behaviour as you have said, he may be blaming your son as perhaps he things your son good have helped. Perhaps counselling would help
'Poor writing style' is a pretty dodgy thread for you to be pulling on, frankly . . .
Wheresmykimchi · 02/12/2020 19:13

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe I nearly said that and felt bad Grin

RedDiamond · 02/12/2020 19:20

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe may I third that!!!!

june2007 · 03/12/2020 09:07

Basically yes it,s wrong to hit, but that is just one element of this situation and I think it needs to be looked at as a whole.

PrincessNutNut · 03/12/2020 09:10

@june2007

Basically yes it,s wrong to hit, but that is just one element of this situation and I think it needs to be looked at as a whole.
Yes, and the whole of it is that he effectively blamed his son for his nephew's death and punched him. He is abusive and this is assault.
june2007 · 03/12/2020 10:57

I think you need to look at the whole picture there is a lot of hurt and anger and the father expresased it in the wrong way. Yes it is assault but I can understand it. Thats not justifying it. I think help is required not condomnation.

OfTheNight · 03/12/2020 11:04

He’s lucky your 21 year old didn’t hit him back.
This is a devastating situation but no excuse for violence at all.
Your ds was placed in a horrible situation. When our close friend killed himself in May, we all questioned ourselves. It’s a horrible thing to live with, thinking you could have done something. But at the end of the day it’s not his fault. He’s dealing with loss too.

PrincessNutNut · 03/12/2020 11:13

@june2007

I think you need to look at the whole picture there is a lot of hurt and anger and the father expresased it in the wrong way. Yes it is assault but I can understand it. Thats not justifying it. I think help is required not condomnation.
Condemnation is absolutely required in the case of abuse and assault and if you don't understand that then I can't help you, but do us a favour and stay away from people being attacked by their parents or parents. The whole picture is absolutely classic textbook abusiveness, complete with contextual hardship story that is supposed to make it more acceptable (don't you know they always have an excuse and they're always the victims really?). I have heard this kind of "of course it's wrong BUT" bullshit many times before and it needs to stop. You are one short step away from "look what you made him do".
PrincessNutNut · 03/12/2020 11:18

Parents or partners, dammit. Anyway, just stay away from people being attacked.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 03/12/2020 11:27

The hitting is completely unacceptable, as is blaming DS.

At 21 I certainly didn't understand suicide or how to recognise someone who was really needing their wish for privacy overridden for their safety. Your poor DS. It's a very very difficult thing to navigate, especially if you've not experienced depression yourself.

Your DHs reaction was inexcusable and all about himself.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 03/12/2020 12:16

@june2007 'Condom-nation'? C'mon. You've got to be shitting me. This is a put-up job, surely.

Thehop · 03/12/2020 12:20

Your husband is wrong to say you’re on your kids side. It’s very obvious you’re not. Poor buggers.

Your husband is an abusive arsehole and you’re enabling him. Get him out.

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/12/2020 12:22

So your husband’s solution to his nephew’s suicide attempt is to negatively impact his son’s mental health by physically assaulting him and making him believe he is somehow to blame?

That’s exceptionally fucked up.

Wheresmykimchi · 03/12/2020 18:55

[quote PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe]@june2007 'Condom-nation'? C'mon. You've got to be shitting me. This is a put-up job, surely.[/quote]
Hmm Hmm

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 03/12/2020 19:07

@Wheresmykimchi

It's good you came to me with this.

The poster had a pop at the OP for 'writting' (sic) a hard-to-follow post, while going on to write some of the most unintelligible drivel I've seen lately.

She's now written 'condomnation' rather than 'condemnation' so I'm presuming she's deliberately taking the piss.

Hope this helps.

Hmm Hmm

Heartofglass12345 · 03/12/2020 19:19

I wonder if your daughter had been the 21 yr old would he have punched her? I very much doubt it. Of course you are on their side!

june2007 · 03/12/2020 19:32

Not allowed to be dyslexic here then?

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 03/12/2020 19:37

Oh, really? Evidently it didn't cross your mind that the OP might be. Shocking lack of empathy from a fellow sufferer . . . 🙄

Wheresmykimchi · 03/12/2020 19:39

[quote PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe]@Wheresmykimchi

It's good you came to me with this.

The poster had a pop at the OP for 'writting' (sic) a hard-to-follow post, while going on to write some of the most unintelligible drivel I've seen lately.

She's now written 'condomnation' rather than 'condemnation' so I'm presuming she's deliberately taking the piss.

Hope this helps.

Hmm Hmm[/quote]
Sorry. I meant to Hmm the poster not you!

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 03/12/2020 19:41

In which case I withdraw my caustic response Smile

Wheresmykimchi · 03/12/2020 19:42

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe

In which case I withdraw my caustic response Smile
Thanking you kindly
june2007 · 03/12/2020 19:42

Yes the op might be but it,s one thing saying can you make it clearer and another poking fun.

june2007 · 03/12/2020 19:44

Anyway it,s derailing. Sorry Op

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