To think he's BU or am I?

[rispettare]

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

Hi Op
Obviously I don't agree with your Husband hitting out, lashing out on his son, like that..

Your Husband is reacting to unresolved grief, feeling guilty etc that he could not rescue, save his twin brother from his despair,

Has your husband had proper Therapy at all( I would strongly suggest to look up all different types of therapies out there, (check out theories behind them too)that could help your husband, and even possibly your family too.

I know there is family therapy,etc.

Your son, how old is he?,he is having to carry so much stuff on his young shoulders isn't he.

I am so sorry what your family all being through.
Also your husband could do with going to have Grief,bereavement therapy with a good therapist out there..

I have found out very recently there is particular yoga that beneficial for post traumatic Disorder syndrome,

And, like clockwork, here come the derailing attempts to make this a conversation about gender, I knew it wouldn't be long hmm

And yet when a woman posts about how she was goaded into hitting her partner due to extreme emotional abuse (so that the partner can hold it over her head and stop her from calling the police) , MN comes down on her like a ton of bricks and accuses of her of being abusive. And yet a man who is violent must be understood and helped and loved

Yes, I hate MN too sometimes.

Read this back to yourself!!

YOUR HUSBAND PUNCHED YOUR SON

He is absolutely in the wrong and your son is WELL within his rights to call the police for assault and have your husband prosecuted!

Grief takes different forms but violence is never an answer, no matter how angry you might be or get.

Im sorry that your nephew tried to kill himself

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op Obviously I don't agree with your Husband hitting out, lashing out on his son, like that..

Your Husband is reacting to unresolved grief, feeling guilty etc that he could not rescue, save his twin brother from his despair,

Has your husband had proper Therapy at all( I would strongly suggest to look up all different types of therapies out there, (check out theories behind them too)that could help your husband, and even possibly your family too.

I know there is family therapy,etc.

Your son, how old is he?,he is having to carry so much stuff on his young shoulders isn't he.

I am so sorry what your family all being through.
Also your husband could do with going to have Grief,bereavement therapy with a good therapist out there..

I have found out very recently there is particular yoga that beneficial for post traumatic Disorder syndrome,

Sounds like you feel it is the OP's responsibility to look into help for her violent husband? It's not.

Those of you minimising and excusing the father's behaviour (and yes saying 'it's not all black and white' and 'I'm not excusing the behaviour BUT' IS minimising) can fuck off to the far end of fuck. And if my post gets deleted for this sentiment so be it. Abuse apologists should be called out on their vile views.

I feel for your DS, his mental health will have taken a battering, his cousin completing suicide and then his dad blaming him. It's not right at all to ever assault someone, I understand grief but there is not an excuse to assault your child.
OP, please check up on your son and if he needs to talk to someone about how he is feeling. It's incredibly difficult for trained Mental Health consultants to spot all the signs pointing towards completing the act of suicide, I've trained as a Mental Health First Aider and it is so hard to spot at times. Ultimately, your nephew completing suicide (I won't say commiting as it is not a crime) was his decision and he was obviously in a very dark place, but your son cannot be held responsible for that.
I am so very sorry for your loss x

@unmarkedbythat What benefit do you think denying the fact that in this society men are routinely the perpetrators of physical assault will do? What is it with people trying to pretend that social context doesn't exist? Clearly it does, otherwise there would not be women here claiming that men who hit should be 'loved more' and that their wives should take responsibility for calming them and getting them into therapy. Pathetic. If you care about males then have some fucking sympathy for the boy who just got physically and verbally assaulted by his father for no reason.

Again, I do not wish to me-rail, but all this shit about "we need to understand how hard it is for him" and "well he was upset" is EXACTLY the crap I got told whenever my father laid a fist into me. Funnily enough, Daddy dearest wasn't so understanding on the very rare occasion he got lamped back. And what about the upset and hardship being abused caused us?

There's just no excuse for it. You can suffer a horrendous tragedy or a terrible life situation and still put yourself in the wrong by attacking other people over it. I think most people would be forgiving if the husband had done something punched a pillow and shouted a swear word or run out of the house. Punching his son? Attempting to lay the suicide on the son's shoulders? No. It is inexcusable.

I feel a bit ill at some of the responses on here.

The fact the op is asking who is being unreasonable suggests to me that husband being violent isn't unusual.

The AIBU board really isn’t the place for this discussion.

TBH you all need to stop and take a breath. Nothing is going to be resolved by ringing the police and bringing assault charges or throwing your DH out of the house.

Your DH needs to realise that his response was wrong and that nothing excuses violence. But your DH also needs to seek some help to deal with the issues that he would say drove him to that violence.

Your DS likely does carry guilt over his cousin already. It’s an awful lot for someone who has already lost a parent to suicide and then tells someone else that they too want to commit suicide to put on to another person. The problem with this is that people who are suicidal are selfish without realising that they are or meaning to be. The nephew has inadvertently put your DS in an impossible position of not telling anyone how he felt. Your DS doesn’t have the experience of having to take on this information and be able to deal with it alone, and now that the nephew has attempted suicide your DS will be left with a lot of questions, and a lot of guilt. If only he’d mentioned it to someone etc etc etc.

In truth we know that nothing will prevent someone taking their own life if they’re that set on doing so, however when you are privy to that intent it is impossible not to think that you could have done something before this all happened....

Hi Op
Is this a one off reaction from husband to your son in this way or is this part of a pattern of domestic abuse towards you or your son or to your daughter???

If its a part of a cycle of violent/emotionally abusive behaviour, seek help and support with woman Aid and other charities too.
Surround yourself with good friends,good family members for support..
There is no excuse for your husband violent behaviour towards your son at all.

Your son must be struggling with the heavy burden of guilt that his his cousin has attempted suicide, (without your husband compounded this.

Please support your son as top priority, its obviously not his fault this happened at all.

Your son obviously needs to know, told this Often..

This is obviously a nightmarish situation your family has been confronted with..

I think there might be a whoooooole MH thing that is unraveling right before your eyes, OP. I think you need to get your DH some counselling urgently. You need to tell him that if he doesn’t agree to this, then you and DS are going to press charges.

OP have you started a thread before on your DHs behaviour towards you after you visited your nephew? Apologies if not but it sounds very similar and the DH was showing signs of a mental breakdown.

Either way it is not right what your DH did. Lots of people have had traumas and dont go round punching people. You need to make sure your DS knows you are on his side. Your DH needs professional help too but only he can do that, you have to protect your DC from future harm.

No DH isn't violent normally. I forgot to add in my OP that DD said she told her form tutor a few weeks ago that he was acting weird (quiet) so DH called DS stupid for not doing anything as DD did and she doesn't text him or anything. I am going to keep an eye on DS and keep reassuring him it wasn't his fault

so DH called DS stupid for not doing anything as DD did

My God, it just gets worse and worse. So it's his fault (even though his sister did alert someone and it made no difference) AND he's inferior to his sister. And here's a punch in case he didn't feel awful enough already.

You know, the grief is not only your husband's. Your son also lost his uncle and now his cousin, in the same terrible way. And now he's got his own father abusing him over it.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Did I say it was ok that he hit his son? Someone please point that out. Because, if you bother to look I’m damn sure I wrote it was wrong.

So stop with the black and white... people are messy and do wrong things that are understandable. You are not helping the OP by pitting son against father in this case.

It is NOT understandable to hit you own child And blame him for his nephew attempting suicide? If he is so perfect why didn't HE notice his nephew struggling?

I hope your son can understand it's not his fault if someone wants to commit suicide there ìs very often little you can do about it if they are determined and losing his dad to suicide makes him high risk sadly

Please excuse my language -
If my husband, ever laid a hand on one of our Dc - what ever ages they were, or screamed
At them calling them stupid, I would have the fucker on the curb with a bag before he even knew what hit him.
I cannot believe you're asking who's in the wrong.
Your husband is a colossal wanker.

No DH isn't violent normally. I forgot to add in my OP that DD said she told her form tutor a few weeks ago that he was acting weird (quiet)

You'd better hope your daughter doesn't tell her form tutor about her father's antics today.

@rispettare

No DH isn't violent normally. I forgot to add in my OP that DD said she told her form tutor a few weeks ago that he was acting weird (quiet) so DH called DS stupid for not doing anything as DD did and she doesn't text him or anything. I am going to keep an eye on DS and keep reassuring him it wasn't his fault

Don't reassure him that it wasn't his fault.

Tell him he was wonderful to lend a listening ear. That his support was a brilliant thing for someone in distress. That it was just too much and he was in an impossible situation. That many people just need a friend to listen and he wasn't to know that in this case it was too much. That many people who have all the help in the world still feel they can't cope. That in another world that support could have made the difference. That he is a great friend and a wonderful son and that you love him.

AND that shouting and violence are never justified. That you will support any decision he makes and that you have his back. If he reports, if he leaves and never comes back. Whatever he needs.

@Butchyrestingface

No DH isn't violent normally. I forgot to add in my OP that DD said she told her form tutor a few weeks ago that he was acting weird (quiet)

You'd better hope your daughter doesn't tell her form tutor about her father's antics today.

I hope she does tbh. Her dad was violent towards her brother and shouted at her in obvious anger when she tried to defend him. None of that is ok. She shouldn't have to feel like she has to stay quite, that's quite a thing for an 11yo to witness.

@Krampusnacht yup. Me too.

Why on earth have you not told your DH to leave for assaulting your son?!! You are massively letting your children down if you stand by and do nothing about their father's violence

So DH apologised to DS when he got back with DD. Anyway I was just upstairs and DD ran upstairs and I asked what happened and DS said that DD accidentally spilt her drink and husband shouted at her telling her to be more careful and DS said it was an accident and husband shouted at him saying he's been doing his head in as soon as he got back ( husband told son to fill up the dogs waterbowl and ds said he would in a minute then he called him lazy and said looks like Ill have to do it then). and dd thought husband was going to his DS

I said to husband I know he's upset but he shouldn't take it out on DC's and he said of course I'm on their side and has gone to walk the dog

Of course your DH is being U, I understand that it may have brought back painful memories and he's worried about his nephew but that doesn't excuse him attacking his own son or blaming him. And he still doesn't think he was wrong now after the event so there is no excusing him actually

Abuse

There's no excuse