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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's BU or am I?

154 replies

rispettare · 30/11/2020 00:59

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/11/2020 16:52

Frankly, your DH needs help.

If anyone punched me there is no doubt in my mind (because it has happened in the past) no matter who they are, that i would immediately punch them back.

Your DH needs to stop shouting at anyone, tbh, and get his mental health sorted out. It was Men's Day recently, there are a lot of resources out there about where to find help.

Your job, imo? look after your children.

Krampusnacht · 30/11/2020 16:54

@rispettare why are you so blasé about all this?? Apologies if you're not, but it's all coming across so matter of fact and that's a bit of a worry. How are you not livid at your DH?? How is he not mortified at what he's done and trying to repair damage rather than continuing to use your son as a punching bag to take his anger out on (if only verbally this time)??

He'd be finding alternative accommodation at least for a little while if he was my H, grieving of not his behaviour is abhorrent.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/11/2020 16:58

What would you do if your husband gave you a punch for pissing him off?

These are your kids op, protect them. That is literally your job.

I would have called the police myself. He has no place in your home anymore.

JM10 · 30/11/2020 17:01

I'd honestly be telling my husband to book himself into a hotel for a bit and start getting himself some help. Your children can't live in a home where they are on edge all the time and at risk of being punched!

Janaih · 30/11/2020 17:19

Your DH actions are unforgivable. Grief may be a reason but it's not an excuse.
I'd be asking him to leave unless he sincerely apologises and tries to make amends.
My best friend took her own life when she was 23. She frequently talked about how depressed she was. This myth that just talking about it can magically cure suicidal thoughts really annoys me, and I suspect is a just diversion from the woeful funding of mental health services.

Rainbowx · 30/11/2020 17:23

I cant believe you haven't called the police you need to protect your children ! That is assault /abuse and not normal he is still shouting and you haven't pulled him up on it or Infact chucked him out!

OhMsBeliever · 30/11/2020 17:51

I wouldn't let him back in. I don't care if his brother killed himself. So did mine and I've managed not to punch my kids.

He sounds like an arse, and your daughter sounds scared of him. Call the police.

countbackfromten · 30/11/2020 18:02

Your poor son and daughter, there is no excuse for how your husband is behaving.

LuaDipa · 30/11/2020 18:04

Your dh needs help. However painful this is for him he can’t take it out on his dc like this. The punch was absolutely unacceptable and after the latest episode in your last update I think he needs to leave and consider his state of mind and his behaviour towards his dc. And of course you are on your dc’s side, surely he isn’t expecting you to defend his disgusting behaviour?

Annasgirl · 30/11/2020 18:07

@iklboogeymum

Your husband punched your son and you're asking who's in the wrong? I get your DH is upset but you never, ever physically assault your children.
This - really I cannot understand how any woman accepts any violence from any other human being towards her own children.
Butterymuffin · 30/11/2020 18:27

Your husband seems to habitually shout at everyone in the house. Now he's also punched one of you. I doubt it has anything to do with your nephew. He's just an angry bully. I don't think your kids should have to put up with that.

hardboiledeggs · 30/11/2020 18:32

That's just plain assault, I hope you called the police on your Son's behalf. If anyone, even my Husband assaulted my Son I'd have booted his arse out the door!

Krampusnacht · 30/11/2020 19:27

If someone posted that their partner had punched them they'd be told to leave. They'd be asked if they had a safe place to go to. Dad punches his son, continues to verbally harass him and mum does nothing, and some posters think the DH needs more love and support! I feel like I've fallen into an alternate reality.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/12/2020 00:00

@rispettare

So DH apologised to DS when he got back with DD. Anyway I was just upstairs and DD ran upstairs and I asked what happened and DS said that DD accidentally spilt her drink and husband shouted at her telling her to be more careful and DS said it was an accident and husband shouted at him saying he's been doing his head in as soon as he got back ( husband told son to fill up the dogs waterbowl and ds said he would in a minute then he called him lazy and said looks like Ill have to do it then). and dd thought husband was going to his DS

I said to husband I know he's upset but he shouldn't take it out on DC's and he said of course I'm on their side and has gone to walk the dog

So he's still being an arsehole to the kids then?
Fudgsicles · 01/12/2020 08:09

Start acting like a mother and protect your children fgs! Your twat of a husband is going to lose it big time soon and guess who is going to be on the receiving end.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 08:24

A young man related to your son just attemtoed to kill himself and your husband punched his son, called him stupid and blamed him for his cousins suicide attempt? Is he actually TRYING to make your son kill himself aswell?

Your son did the right thing, it was more important that his cousin had someone he trusted to talk to.

I'd be really struggling not to question DH on whether his behaviour could be making the people around him so miserable they end their life but that's a horrible thing to think or say. I just dont see how someone close to you could try to kill themselves and you start hurling abuse at your own son.

mussymummy · 01/12/2020 08:33

Grief is no excuse whatsoever to be physically violent. Your DH was very much in the wrong.

Krampusnacht · 01/12/2020 13:12

OP are you not going to respond to what posters are saying on your thread? Did you expect different responses?

I hope your DC are ok.

KatieGGGG · 01/12/2020 15:55

You’re husband is BU. Obviously.

Your poor son. Please stick up for him. I hope you wouldn’t justify it if he punched you and your child should be no different.

billy1966 · 01/12/2020 16:40

Your poor children growing up in such a toxic home.

Your husband sounds like a nasty bully.

How have you stood by and allowed him treat your children so poorly.

sixthtimelucky · 01/12/2020 16:57

I hope this is a wind up following your latest post.

OP if you are not a hairy handed one, your aggressive, self-centred h is without doubt damaging your children. You will, sadly, find that out in years to come and they may or may not want a relationship with you, let alone their father.

I hope his nephew makes a recovery and gets all the help he needs.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/12/2020 17:31

@Meraas

And, like clockwork, here come the excuses for male violence, I knew it wouldn’t be long Hmm
Why the agenda? Why does his gender matter? Skip over to the Mairead thread and you will see plenty of making excuses for women.
Wheresmykimchi · 02/12/2020 17:33

Hang on with the knives out.

DH shouldn't have punched his son, no. but can we stop throwing words around like abuse.

Wheresmykimchi · 02/12/2020 17:34

@Nottherealslimshady

A young man related to your son just attemtoed to kill himself and your husband punched his son, called him stupid and blamed him for his cousins suicide attempt? Is he actually TRYING to make your son kill himself aswell?

Your son did the right thing, it was more important that his cousin had someone he trusted to talk to.

I'd be really struggling not to question DH on whether his behaviour could be making the people around him so miserable they end their life but that's a horrible thing to think or say. I just dont see how someone close to you could try to kill themselves and you start hurling abuse at your own son.

Your last paragraph is one of the most disgusting , vile things I have ever read. If you'd be struggling not to say that to your DH then I'd hope youd be the one to leave him.
june2007 · 02/12/2020 17:45

Your writting style makes it very hard o understand the whole picture. But a few issues. Yes t is wrong to hit. but we are not talking about a child we are talking abut 21 year old. Not that makes much difference. But this isn,t usual behaviour as you have said, he may be blaming your son as perhaps he things your son good have helped. Perhaps counselling would help