To think he's BU or am I?

[rispettare]

Namechanged for obvious reasons

A few hours ago DH found out his nephew had attempted suicide and he was in hospital. They aren't close but he was upset and he lost his twin brother (nephews dad) to suicide 9 years ago. DH said why couldn't he have spoken to someone and DS (21) said that he told him he was struggling but told DS not to tell anyone anyway husband shouted at him calling him stupid etc and punched him and then he had ago at DD(11) when she told him to leave DS alone. DS is now blaming himself.

I told DH he shouldn't have hit DS or shouted at him as it isn't his fault but he thinks I'm bu because DS should've told someone

Who is bu here?

Nice try 🙄

Maybe DH twin told someone how bad he felt and they didnt tell anyone and his twin killed himself. Maybe DH feels that if that person had said something his twin may be alive.

Maybe DS knows all the history around twin and whether he asked for help or not and how important it is to get help if someone says they are struggling.

It's a huge decision to pass on news like that when you with break a trust. At 21 maybe he doesnt have the maturity needed.

Husband needs to sit down with son and tell him if his twin has reached out to someone and that someone had sought help his twin might be here and that's why hes so angry.

DN could so easily have successfully killed himself and that would be much harder for DC to live with.

I totally understand why DH is so angry. I would be angry if DS knew the family history. It's a stark lesson for DS. But theres no excuse for DH hitting DS.

It is life and death and very serious. Most of us would get very angry if someone could have saved a family member but didnt, especially with history to learn from.

@FFS123

Maybe DH twin told someone how bad he felt and they didnt tell anyone and his twin killed himself. Maybe DH feels that if that person had said something his twin may be alive.

Maybe DS knows all the history around twin and whether he asked for help or not and how important it is to get help if someone says they are struggling.

It's a huge decision to pass on news like that when you with break a trust. At 21 maybe he doesnt have the maturity needed.

Husband needs to sit down with son and tell him if his twin has reached out to someone and that someone had sought help his twin might be here and that's why hes so angry.

DN could so easily have successfully killed himself and that would be much harder for DC to live with.

I totally understand why DH is so angry. I would be angry if DS knew the family history. It's a stark lesson for DS. But theres no excuse for DH hitting DS.

It is life and death and very serious. Most of us would get very angry if someone could have saved a family member but didnt, especially with history to learn from.

I agree

Your DH is all upset over his nephew being in such a bad place that he attempted suicide and yet he has no qualms whatsoever about behaving in a way that may well put his own children in that bad place.

@ffs123
I agree too.

@FatCatThinCat

Your DH is all upset over his nephew being in such a bad place that he attempted suicide and yet he has no qualms whatsoever about behaving in a way that may well put his own children in that bad place.

Can we stop instantly jumping to that?

He punched him. He absolutely should not have.

But as a big supporter as I am of the be kind campaign , we cannot jump to this every time

Husband needs to sit down with son and tell him if his twin has reached out to someone and that someone had sought help his twin might be here and that's why hes so angry.

Yes, that's right, blame the poor guy for the suicide (I kind of think the son already knows his father blames him) while claiming moral high ground for the assault. That's not fucked up at all.

Your dh needs to leave until he sorts his head out. It doesn’t matter how old your ds is your dh punched him and then your Dd feared your dh would hit him again. That is not ok.

Your son listened and basically did as he was told to not tell anyone and at his age he doesn’t know how to deal with this kinds of stuff really. You ds telling your dh 99% wouldn’t of stopped this attempt.

Your dh treating your ds like shit on his shoe however will make him feel terrible and possibly lead to such thoughts himself

OP this sounds like a terrible situation for everyone involved and it sounds like nobody is handling it particularly well.

However, I think AIBU is the worst place for you to post this problem, I don't think you'll get any practical advice or support here. Report this thread and ask for it to be moved to Relationships or Bereavement where you will get the support you need and pointers to support groups who can help. In the meant time this may help supportaftersuicide.org.uk/

I can't imagine what you and your family are going through, but you'll get though it better is you can be open and suportive of each other [flower]

You have no idea whether the son could have saved his cousin. His sister did tell someone and it didn't help. If the cousin asked him not to say anything, he might have felt guilty if he had done and thought the cousin took his own life over that.

Suicide is not a neat thing that's always preventable and it's actually really quite a wicked thing to attempt to lay it on this young man's shoulders. A really, really wicked thing. And his abusive father should be the last person to be lecturing him on how to preserve mental health and help vulnerable people.

Quite frankly OP, your coming across as if you dont give a shit. I think your a poor excuse of a mother if you let your husband get away with hitting your son. It's quite disturbing that you even need advice on who is being unreasonable.

If this is real and I hope it isn't, then op, I think you really need to take stock of what's happened here. Your dh is being physically and emotionally abusive to your children. Your son has been attacked and you are fine with that? Your daughter has been badly affected by this "one off" that she's already learnt to fear him.
Ignoring the physical abuse. He's also being awful to perpetuate suicide myths which include relatives and loved ones being encouraged to blame themselves. What if dnephew succeeds at some point? Your husband has laid that weight at your sons footsteps. Instead of supporting the nephew and his mental health your husband is spewing out blame and anger? Wtf? You can't really think this is okay?

@rispettare I am so sorry, I misread your first post. You say DN is in hospital and I'm hoping your lack of response means that there has been some positive news for your family.

My first point remains, I think it would be a good idea to get your thoughts together and repost in a different section of MN. I know many people are introduced to Mumsnet though AIBU but its not the best place for these kind of complex issues which would get better support from Relationships or Parenting.

I really wish you and your family the best and I am passing on positive thoughts for your DN.

@PrincessNutNut

Husband needs to sit down with son and tell him if his twin has reached out to someone and that someone had sought help his twin might be here and that's why hes so angry.

Yes, that's right, blame the poor guy for the suicide (I kind of think the son already knows his father blames him) while claiming moral high ground for the assault. That's not fucked up at all.

That's not what the poster said.

@waitingforadulthood

If this is real and I hope it isn't, then op, I think you really need to take stock of what's happened here. Your dh is being physically and emotionally abusive to your children. Your son has been attacked and you are fine with that? Your daughter has been badly affected by this "one off" that she's already learnt to fear him. Ignoring the physical abuse. He's also being awful to perpetuate suicide myths which include relatives and loved ones being encouraged to blame themselves. What if dnephew succeeds at some point? Your husband has laid that weight at your sons footsteps. Instead of supporting the nephew and his mental health your husband is spewing out blame and anger? Wtf? You can't really think this is okay?

Has it occured to you that DH might blame himself for his twins death?

Full of grief so punches his child? What the fuck am I reading on this thread?!

As if this is his first time to be violent. Nasty piece of work. Hope he wasn't as vile to his brother as he is to his son.

@Shetoshe

Full of grief so punches his child? What the fuck am I reading on this thread?!

As if this is his first time to be violent. Nasty piece of work. Hope he wasn't as vile to his brother as he is to his son.

Unecessary comment.

Wheresmykimchi- yes it has. And I'm frankly disgusted that a father would want to pass that guilt, share (?) that guilt with his son. If he feels guilt , then his instinct should be to stop his son feeling the same. Most parents would do a lot to avoid our children feeling all the bad things that we ourselves have felt. To protect them from that.

That's not what the poster said.

It absolutely is, especially with the "Most of us would get very angry if someone could have saved a family member but didn't, especially with history to learn from" shit. Then father should sit down with som and explain why he was so angry, as if a) the son doesn't know and b) his abuse is something he has a right to mitigate?

It is exactly what the poster said and what you are trying to justify. Don't tell us the father was upset as if we don't realise that. We do not assault people over our grief and we do not tell a young man in an impossible position that he's responsible for a suicide. How absolutely fucked up.

Has it occured to you that DH might blame himself for his twins death?

Then he can blame himself and punch himself. This is irrelevant to his abuse and assault. Abusers are not the victims of their victims.

You are not showing us some unrealised alternative perspective. You are not enlightening us. You are pulling the same old justification and mitigation abuse that some of us have seen too many times. And it doesn't wash any more.

I think that actually, one of the worst things about abuse isn't even the punches and verbal assaults about why you're so terrible and kind of deserved everything they did to you, I mean yes it was wrong but come on, you kind of deserved it really and remember how upset they were....

No, I think that actually, one of the worst things is having to listen to the abuser, and the abuser's apologists, go on and on about how you need to understand why they were so angry, and what YOU can do in future to stop it from happening, and how terrible it all is for the abuser, and don't you realise they beat themselves up all the time...

....and they always think it's the first time you've heard it.

@PrincessNutNut

Has it occured to you that DH might blame himself for his twins death?

Then he can blame himself and punch himself. This is irrelevant to his abuse and assault. Abusers are not the victims of their victims.

You are not showing us some unrealised alternative perspective. You are not enlightening us. You are pulling the same old justification and mitigation abuse that some of us have seen too many times. And it doesn't wash any more.

I'm not saying I am. All of that patronising nonsense was unnecessary.

I'm also not justifying or mitigating his behaviour and i don't condone it.

I'm saying that you were quick to say he's blaming his relatives for the attempted and successful suicides . I think it's far more likely he blames himself for the lot.

@PrincessNutNut

That's not what the poster said.

It absolutely is, especially with the "Most of us would get very angry if someone could have saved a family member but didn't, especially with history to learn from" shit. Then father should sit down with som and explain why he was so angry, as if a) the son doesn't know and b) his abuse is something he has a right to mitigate?

It is exactly what the poster said and what you are trying to justify. Don't tell us the father was upset as if we don't realise that. We do not assault people over our grief and we do not tell a young man in an impossible position that he's responsible for a suicide. How absolutely fucked up.

He didn't say his son was responsible for it.

Many posters on here have said that they would like to tell DH he should question why his relatives committed and tried to commit suicide is that OK?

I am not trying to justify anything. I am also not condoning the assault.

What I am saying is you said the poster claimed DH blamed his son for the (attempt r , btw) suicide. He didn't.

As I've said previously , he blames himself.
He lashed out at his son for not telling anyone because he was fucking terrified the same thing would happen to his nephew that happened to his brother and son had knowledge he didn't. Do I condone his actions? No. But I stick to my original point. Neither DH or the poster said what you accused them of.

I think your dh needs to talk this through with a professional, either GP, or maybe a charity better placed dealing with these types of things (crisis) as he's obviously not dealing with it very well (understandably)

However, your first priority should be ensuring your children's safety. Your dh sounds very volatile at the moment, can your dh go and stay with someone, I don't suggest he stays on his own considering the circumstances, but I don't think him living with you and the dc is the best course of action at the moment.

You dc isn't trained in dealing with people who are suicidal, so his actions were based on what he thought was best, he's not to blame for any of this, if your dh continues blaming him, you may find this impacts on your ds mental health. Unfortunately depression can lead to suicide, and it's a known fact that genetics play a part in depression. Your son needs to be looked after too.

Your husband assaulted your son and you are asking who is in the wrong..... really?