BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

He doesn't actually have a lot of people in his life, no friends or family, only my sister, as he has fallen out with them over time. He always paints himself as the victim in those situations and I believed him and felt sorry for him but I'm wondering now about his version of those events

Yes, the common factor there seems pretty obvious.

When you fall out with one person, it's probably because they're an arsehole. When you fall out with everybody, it's probably because you're the arsehole.

I hate the idea of everyone bending over backwards for this knob by having Christmas at another house - he will be delighted with himself. Stick to your plans, I can’t see why your sister wouldn’t come, it’s Christmas eve not Christmas Day.

I think the rest of your family - mum and other sister etc need to stick up for you and tell Sis and BIL to get over themselves.

He's an absolute *rse!

Make a word search which just includes his name, "bellend", "notfunny", "hissyfit", "pathetic", "howoldareyouFFS" etc

You've bent over backwards to accommodate him but he's still being stupid - let him stew in his own juice. It's a shame about your DSis but that can't be helped.

[quote phoenixrosehere]@Thewinterofdiscontent

Did you miss this part?

*He kept coughing and so my BIL asked jokingly if it was covid, he said yes and launched into a speech about it. My other sister asked if he was joking and said he shouldnt have come if he really thought that, then he started talking about Covid consipracy theories and how it had all gone round his workplace. My Mum kept saying he was joking and he'd just had a bit of a cold the previous week.

I didn't say anything I was just listening and then I said "XX, please tell me are you joking?? You can't really think you would have it or you wouldnt have come" but he said he did. So I asked my sister if he was kidding and she looked embarassed but just shrugged. I looked at DH and then just said "well I'm going then". My mum said don't go he's just kidding as I was at the door so I said back "he's been asked three times if he was kidding and he's said no each time, if he's joking it's not funny and he should just say" and then left. I got home and texted my Mum and other sister to apologise for leaving.*

That’s more than just one little cough. He could have ended things when people were asking if he was serious and chose not to.[/quote]
Yes I didn’t see that actually. And I agree he probably shouldn’t have been there with a cold either. I hate people spluttering everywhere regardless of Covid. He was being unreasonable there and it’s just not polite to argue about Covid really. Everyone has an opinion

However why did your sister not tell him to stay home? Why do you all meet up so often. The family dynamic would be too cloying for me. If he’s a bit of a loner it probably is for him too?

[quote BILdrama]**@pheonixrosehere* @chaosmaker* @quartz2208 @thewiseoneincognito

I know that I need to get over this really and move on, I just want things to be civil but I know I can't force him to be, but how do I stop thinking about it and allowing it to upset me and wishing it was different? I don't know how to switch off from it.[/quote]
You just ignore his bad behaviour. Literally put it out of your mind. Carry on as if there is no problem. Should it get brought up again in any context, just say ‘Gosh, are you still thinking about that? We apologised ages ago.’ Then move the conversation on.

In terms of Christmas Eve, I’d probably agree to it being at someone else’s house if only just to get over the ‘hump’ of hanging out with him again and also to deny him the opportunity to snub you and cause a drama. Don’t hand him the power. Go along to your sister’s, have a nice time, kill him with kindness. Don’t play his game.

In short, it’s not you, it’s him. But as he’s part of your family you’ll have to put up with him so just refuse to participate in drama llama antics.

He sounds like the most enormous stroppy toddler!

You are being unreasonable to pursue and cajole him so much, in an effort to force him to take part in family stuff. Leave him alone.

But, don't allow other people to treat you as the problem. He is the problem, he's made his choice, he doesn't want to come to family things. That's how your family is now. You will all adjust.

Ignore him and stop pandering too him - he’s a dick.
He a victim and not a problem solver - ignore ignore ignore.

The thing is, he as always a bellend and sooner or later, it was going to show.

That it started with something involving you is incidental, unimportant.

So stop trying to make yourself the centre of a drama. He's shown you all who he is. Believe him.

His loss. He's the one missing family events. Take the high road and keep inviting him, but please don't be upset when he doesn't come.
It's very childish behaviour and will be interesting to see how long he holds out for! As long as his wife is not indulging him and staying home with him, I'd leave him to it.

He's a tit. I wouldn't have apologised in the first place and that he is making this into a great emotional family drama would just piss me off so much more.

On the original event. I think he was trying to be funny (and probably didn't know about / understand your MH issues), his joke fell flat but he's too arrogant and stubborn to back down and admit that, never mind apologise.

Leaving him be while staying in touch with your sister to make sure she's ok and still has family to talk to, would have been the right thing to do IMO.

By making such a fuss about trying to build bridges you are becoming the problem now.

Wishing things were different = wishing your sister had married someone else.

@BILdrama

I always like the Serenity Prayer for this

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what has happened and you cannot change his reaction. You have apologised and are prepared to move on - simply tell your sister that will not change but there is nothing more you can do. If he decides to do something then take it from there.

You have no more control over this you simply have to accept it is the way that it is.

I'm not clear about Christmas Eve. Are your family not inviting you as well as saying they want someone else to host?

If that's the case I'd be very unhappy about them taking sides like that because he's made more of a big deal. Unless your mother does feel that he is a bit controlling and is worried about him cutting off your sister if he doesn't get his way.

My Mum's just text me. "Are you having the Christmas Eve party?" She knows we were supposed to be.

I'm in two minds over it. Part of me wants to stick my heels in and say yes we are. He's invited, he can come and I would be fine with him. If he doesn't that's his choice and we shouldn't pander to him. I've already planned a few things like a menu and bought some drinks.

But the other part thinks maybe we should just let my other sister host it, we would still be invited and we would go but it might be a kind of neutral ground, I think he might agree to go to my sister's and like @nosquirrels said it might be an opportunity to get over the initial awkwardness of everything.

What do you think?

Are you just seeing each other on Christmas Eve?

I'd be inclined to host CE yourselves. You need to reclaim your dignity here.

My only concern would be whether your sister would come.

Continue with your plans. By moving them to your sister’s you’re continuing to pander to him.

Carry on with the plan for your house.
If he wants to sulk until he feels you've grovelled enough, let him. Stop pandering to him.

Let him be

It's his choice. He's acting like a petulant toddler!

Just carry on but without him. He will hate it

Let him throw his tantrum. The best way to combat these behaviours. Is to treat him like you'd treat a child. He however does have a choice. He's chosen to behave like tjis. So your choice is to either accept it. Or not. End of. You can't force him to apologise. He can't force you to either.

You’re not unreasonable in the slightest! You sound lovely. He was a complete dick in the first place and you’ve bent over backwards trying to sort it out.

I’d be holding the Christmas do on principle and he can not come if he wants to continue acting like a baby.

I like the sound of your DH messaging him telling him he’s a bellend! Absolutely right 🤣

@OrigamiOwl

I can see both sides.

He made a joke which wasn't overly funny. That's not appropriate. Your DH texted him to call him a bellend. That's not appropriate either.
I can see why he would see bring left off the wordsearch as a snub, considering the last contact you'd had ended with him being called a bellend.

You can't help how others react to things, they are entitled to their own feelings. You can only control how you react to things.

I just wrote the same thing @OrigamiOwl

Most important thing my mother ever taught me. Was we can't control others. They can't control you. But you CAN control how you react and that's the power. Take back the power whenever you feel out of control

My mother was a crimina psychologist. So she knew her stuff.

Continue as planned. You have been the bigger person. Let him get on with it and sulk if he wants, nothing more you can do.

He was in the wrong first day and now he's digging his heels in so he can feel like he was in the right. What a terrible character trait. I feel bad for your sister, she must have to put up with a lot of shit from him

@BILdrama

My Mum's just text me. "Are you having the Christmas Eve party?" She knows we were supposed to be.

I'm in two minds over it. Part of me wants to stick my heels in and say yes we are. He's invited, he can come and I would be fine with him. If he doesn't that's his choice and we shouldn't pander to him. I've already planned a few things like a menu and bought some drinks.

But the other part thinks maybe we should just let my other sister host it, we would still be invited and we would go but it might be a kind of neutral ground, I think he might agree to go to my sister's and like @nosquirrels said it might be an opportunity to get over the initial awkwardness of everything.

What do you think?

Has your other sister actually offered - and does she want to?

I'd message my mum back and say - "Totally happy to host! But equally happy to go to X's if that's better for everyone" - and see what happens.