BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

He sounds like absolute poison.

Stop apologising.

Your sister is enabling his appalling behaviour.

Absolutely no humour in him repeatedly claiming he had Covid.

How your sister allowed ye to leave on the back of his behaviour is awful.

Sounds like there is a pair of them in it.

OP, you will have to accept this is the way things are.

Stop feeling bad, and stop apologising. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't be twisting yourself into knots trying to fix this. If you keep apologising and saying you overreacted, everyone is going to start agreeing that this is your fault and that he's in the right.

He acted like a bellend. You left because you were uncomfortable and many, many other people would have done the same. Your husband called him out for being a bellend and while it might not have been the most diplomatic approach, you can't fault his accuracy.

Enough is enough. You aren't getting pushed out of Christmas with your parents and siblings because he's having a tantrum. Tell them no, you aren't changing your plans just because he's in a strop for being called out on his shitty behaviour, particularly when you've gone out of your way to smooth things over and he's done nothing to make amends.

Sorry Op, it's an entirely shit situation

You and DH overreacted to the bad joke however you did go and see him and give a face to face genuine apology. He doesn't want to accept it that's up to him but causing the family to take sides and pandering to him shows that your DH was indeed correct he is a bell end and a massive one at that!

I get your sister being stuck in the middle but the rest of your family are also being twats for pandering to him because he "doesn't feel ready to see you yet" and he called you and DH childish people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones as the saying goes.

If your family want to pander to him at the expense of you and DH being excluded that's up to them I'd leave them to it you've apologised there isn't much more you can do. I'm wondering if BIL is doing this on purpose as some sort of punishment. One thing I would advise OP is that if/when he is ready to be around you do not brush it under the carpet because he will think going forward he can behave this way if you don't dance to his tune, just be polite, make some small talk and keep your distance from him.

@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs

Stop feeling bad, and stop apologising. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't be twisting yourself into knots trying to fix this. If you keep apologising and saying you overreacted, everyone is going to start agreeing that this is your fault and that he's in the right.

He acted like a bellend. You left because you were uncomfortable and many, many other people would have done the same. Your husband called him out for being a bellend and while it might not have been the most diplomatic approach, you can't fault his accuracy.

Enough is enough. You aren't getting pushed out of Christmas with your parents and siblings because he's having a tantrum. Tell them no, you aren't changing your plans just because he's in a strop for being called out on his shitty behaviour, particularly when you've gone out of your way to smooth things over and he's done nothing to make amends.

On second thought OP ignore my advice this poster has it right! I %100 agree with this post LOL

YANBU.
He is a bellend for continuing with the drama.
You’ve apologised (I wouldn’t have tbh - I don’t really think you did anything wrong).
But I’d definitely stop trying to appease him now. He’s made his position clear, so leave him to it.

My BIL had a similar overreaction to some things my Mother (his MIL) said. He stayed away from any family event she attended.
He has got over it now. It took 11 years.

High chance that he's playing the victim card and won't come round until you've grovelled sufficiently (this could take years so gird your loins). Even when he does eventually thaw out, you'll be treading on eggshells not to upset him again.

Alternatively, he genuinely doesn't want anything to do with you again. Rightly or wrongly (in this case wrongly), he is entitled to make that decision. Trying to win him round constantly will likely only fan the flames, in this case.

Honestly though, he sounds as tedious as all fuck. I know it's going to go a bit of awkwardness vis-a-vis the Christmas arrangements, but isn't it worth it to get such a touchy princess off your backs?

You did nothing wrong. Covid is nothing to joke about and I probably would have left, too.

Stop apologizing and stop trying to explain. At this point all you're doing is feeding his ego and 'proving to him he is right'. Leave him to himself. Also, don't speak about the situation to your family anymore, it's done with and bringing it up makes others feel they must 'take sides'.

Issue and accept invitations as you normally would. Casually include him in invitations to your home if you wish ("and XXX is welcome to come, of course") but don't make an issue of it or specifically ask if he'll attend.

I have a feeling that once his 'being offended' no longer makes him the centre of attention, he'll come round.

What a drama Queen, just leave him to it. He’s acting like a kid having the sulks. He must know it’s difficult for his wife but clearly doesn’t care. Also stop reaching out to him as he doesn’t want to hear and you’ve given him enough chances.

The irony of calling you childish with explanation that you only have one chance. Mind boggling. Mature adults accept other people make mistakes and move on. I also would be making clear you are not letting your BIL ruin your Christmas with your family. Stake your claim on your family and insist you are not moving to one side. When push comes to shove, he is an in law. I would tell your mum just how upset you are about her pandering to him.

I'm sorry Op, but your husband was wrong to call him a bellend. He's not a bellend, he's a controlling dick! He is trying to make everyone dance to his tune while he enjoys having the sulks and gets masses of attention.

Ignore him and do not apologize anymore, you did nothing wrong. He wasn't joking, he said so over and over. He was trying to upset you. He's not worth your effort.

@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs

Stop feeling bad, and stop apologising. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't be twisting yourself into knots trying to fix this. If you keep apologising and saying you overreacted, everyone is going to start agreeing that this is your fault and that he's in the right.

He acted like a bellend. You left because you were uncomfortable and many, many other people would have done the same. Your husband called him out for being a bellend and while it might not have been the most diplomatic approach, you can't fault his accuracy.

Enough is enough. You aren't getting pushed out of Christmas with your parents and siblings because he's having a tantrum. Tell them no, you aren't changing your plans just because he's in a strop for being called out on his shitty behaviour, particularly when you've gone out of your way to smooth things over and he's done nothing to make amends.

Exactly this. You've made too many apologies already. He is a bellend, and he is loving being the centre of attention. Fuck him.

He's being a dick. I wouldnt even have apologised for overreacting because some things are just not funny. It was and is the middle of a pandemic. He needs to learn some emotional intelligence (esp further evidenced by his recent behaviour).

I would ignore him and keep going to functions. If your family decide to kowtow to him that's their business. He looks silly, controlling and childish and I can't believe people are honouring him esp you DM and DSis.

Bellend!

humouring not honouring 🤣 damn you autocorrect

Even if you overreacted, you've apologised, and it's been months! He's being ridiculous to refuse to attend gatherings where you'll be present. Acting like a petulant child!

He's an idiot, he's trying to deflect from the fact he's been a total twat, but he's in the wrong, stop apologising abd just call him out on it, not coming to my house because of his behaviour - oh well 🤷‍♀️

Also wondering if you understand the 3 households thing? It means only 3 can meet at all and you then can't see anyone else, none of you, that's your 3

And yes, I'd tell your mother that she needs to prioritise you over bil. Your sister may be uncomfortable, but it's not your fault that she's married to an immature fool who can't accept an apology and be civil.

Another one thinking he is a right jerk and no great loss.

He sounds horrible, you were nice to go over and try and smooth things over but I wouldn't do anything else to try and smooth anything over. He should have been the one apologizing.

He is now being a bellend, yes.

Did you apologise you your Mum for walking out of a dinner at her house?

I would love to hear the other side of this story.

There's fault on both sides here but if he wants to sulk then he wants to sulk. Maybe your sister can persuade him but maybe he's a sulky knob with her too

He's a silly child. You should just get over it. Life is too short.

Life's too short for so much drama. Stop running around after this awful man! You've said sorry (not that I'm sure you had anything to apologise for) and he's acting like a petulant child, ignore him. Carry on n with your plans at Christmas, if someone doesn't come then they miss out.
Let him take his one chance and stick it, if I were you I'd withdraw my invitation to him anyway.