BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

He was a tit. You’re a drama llama. If he doesn’t want to talk to you for the moment leave him alone.

If it changes Christmas arrangements so what? Don’t make more drama out of this.

he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend

Was it a joke or did he think it - I cant quite work it out from what you have written - and it makes a huge difference

How did you actually leave and then send the message. Like a lot of first hand stories there is great detail about what he did and your bits are just glossed over

Why did he fall out with all of the family initially - what happened there

Yep. bellend extraordinaire. Balls to him.

Stop apologising and pandering to him, he's being a right prick!
You did nothing wrong.
Either he came to a family gathering ill, believing it to be coronavirus. Or was a stupid twat saying he had coronavirus when he didn't just for attention. And has since been sulking over being called out on his shitty behaviour for months and missing important family events and making the rest of your family choose between you or your sister.

Stop apologising, tell him you're over it, if he wants to keep sulking then that's fine.

If he started seeing you again youd be walking on eggshells for his next perceived injustice.

I think you're all dwelling on this far too much, time to move on. You seem overly invested in your family life - family wordsearches/zooms/quizzes etc
I'd just chill a bit and back off from them all. Maybe your BIL was a bit fed up of it all and needed an excuse to remove himself from the dynamics of the family set up.
Like a pop said, it would be interesting to read the other side of the argument.

YANBU

Saying you've got covid at a family gathering in a pandemic without making it clear you're joking is in very bad taste.

Yeah you had an over reaction but his is way way worse. You sound self aware, you have recognised that you over reacted and have explained it was down to MH issues and you have apologised profusely and frequently.
Now in my opinion YABU for continuing to apologise to him and sort things out when he is being such a dick about it. You got upset and left a meal early thats it, you didn't chuck the gravy all over him and insult his mother and steal his wallet or something. Any normal/ decent person would accept the apology and apologise back, even if was in a 'I'm sorry you took my 'joke' the wrong way non-apology, if they really didn't think they'd done anything wrong. And if they didnt forgive, they could at least be civil.

As it is, he is going to end up lonely and bitter if he cuts people out because they have made one tiny mistake. He is acting like a pathetic sulky teenager, either that or he is enjoying the drama and the power play.

I wouldn't engage any more. Dont mention it, dont pander to it. HE started all this and HE is causing all this drama, not you at all. You can't fix it because you can't control what he does. Other than the initial incident, you have since done everything right. Did your husband apologise for calling him a bellend as well?

I think life is too short to spend too much effort on people like this. Just be glad your sister isnt being forced to 'take sides' and you can still see her independently of him.

I really just wish this would all be over. I accept if he doesn't want to be friends with us anymore, that's fine. I'm not trying to force him to go back to how things were. I would be interested to hear his side of the story too. BIL has form for being stubborn and digging his heels in and always has to be right, and I do sometimes wonder if he is behaving like this to just punish us? Or have I missed something on our part that is causing this reaction from him.

I'm torn between wanting to not care at all and have nothing more to do with him and then also wanting to literally begging him on my knees to please just stop acting like this.

I just can't understand it one bit. If I made a joke to someone that actually upset them, I would be mortified and I would drop the joke straight away and apologise. We didn't know that it was a joke, he has a very dry and deadpan sense of humour and it can be hard to know if he's joking sometimes. I didn't know DH had text him but I told him off for it as soon as he told me.

Well, you’d had endless discussions about Covid before the meal.

Back and forth and you knew he didn’t have Covid.

One cough and he’s getting asked - I’d have said yes in a sarcastic way too by that point.

You know what you’ve done. You left a family dinner because he coughed. And you play the Covid card when it suits you.

Just back off and leave him alone. Stop trying to force something that isn’t there.

Why do you all have to be in each other’s space so much with dinners and dinners and birthdays and bbqs and care packages and Christmas? It’s too much for him and you don’t have the right to force him.

And if my sisters husband texted me to tell me I was a bellend over something like this I’m afraid I’d be done there too. That was a scorched earth text.

I know I am being pedantic but when you say he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking do you mean he had had it before or he had it right then and there at the meal?

To be honest anyone who says people get one chance with them and that's it, is a complete tosser surely and doesn't deserve to be bothered with?

I have no idea why this grown man is acting like such an awful idiot. I feel really sorry for your sister. But please stop begging him to behave decently. He is a wanker. Just ignore him from now on and see if he returns without any of the pressure you are putting on him.

Of course by then you probably won't be able to stand the sight of him.

OP you need this idiot out of your life. He’s doing you a favour.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Your poor sis.

The op knew he didn’t have Covid because she says this:

We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures,

I'm torn between wanting to not care at all and have nothing more to do with him and then also wanting to literally begging him on my knees to please just stop acting like this.

Neither I think are helpful for you. He has made his choice and you cant change that or change the choices that you (And your husband in sending the text) made. If he wants to be this stubborn and not go to events just let him. You have apologised for your part is this there is nothing else you can do.

Also, he’s using this as a form of control. Be wary of him, he knows exactly what he’s doing and the wider effect.

To be honest I wouldn't be that interested in you or your husband any more if I were him. See if from his point of view. You texted him in all seriousness to call him a bellend. You set your cards out on the table, he has nothing to gain from having you in his life any more, and is probably concentrating on others who do like him. He thanked you politely for your gift , but now I'd leave him be.

You should never have apologised. You did nothing wrong. He is a total idiot

Now you've grovelled and apologised it's actually made him feel more justified

Echoing everyone else, you are better off without him. Don't shut your sister out because of it but don't go out of your way to invite him to things etc. Your husband was right and BIL's 'joke' wasn't a joke at all. It's easy to say don't worry about it any more but he is taking up valuable time and energy by causing you stress.

Time your sister woke up and realised she's married to a wanker who thinks he can do no wrong and can't accept (or give) an apology.

These people are very, very difficult to get on with in the long term, because everyone messes up sometimes, even Mr Perfect himself. In normal cirumstances you have to be a bit tolerant of the occasional minor lapse and forgive and forget. (Clearly there are situations when going No Contact is justified, but not usually.)

I knew another guy just like this. Sulked for Btritain and made everyone's life a misery. Did his best to isolate his wife from her family by taking offence at imaginary crap (whilst giving lots of offence himself). He loved the drama, loved his spurious glow of self-righteousness, thought he was a prince and nobody came up to his standards. Ended up alienating everyone in his own family as well. His wife sadly stuck by him until he finally died aged 83. Nobody was sad when that happened.

@thewiseoneincognito Also, he’s using this as a form of control. Be wary of him, he knows exactly what he’s doing and the wider effect.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

@PrayingandHoping *You should never have apologised. You did nothing wrong. He is a total idiot

Now you've grovelled and apologised it's actually made him feel more justified*

I agree with this too, a lot of people have said it that because we've been the ones to try and patch things up that we are justifying him. I thought we were doing the right thing but it may have made things worse and may be why he's okay with my other sister and BIL again but not us as they've never spoken to him about it again.

YANBU

His attitude is ridiculous. Who would joke about something like that while you’re discussing something that is killing people or and then not drop it when it was obvious others weren’t finding it funny. Could have easily said sorry, I don’t have it and left it that. It’s also not your fault that your husband said something to him. He was being a bellend and continuing to be because he wants to separate the family and make people choose sides over it. Even worse, people are letting him. I wouldn’t have left tbh but I would definitely have kept a wide distance from him.

Saying that, YABU to want to appease such a person and try to build a relationship back with him. Don’t spend any more time or money on him. Give him what he wants. Completely ignore him, no gifts, no Happy Birthdays, nothing. If he gets upset over that, he has no one to blame but himself if he even cares. He’s probably using this to get back at you and making it out that he did nothing wrong even though it was months ago.

You threw a plate and stormed out?

Yeah. I’d be done with you as well.

You knew he didn’t have Covid, you’d all discussed it endlessly and then you Chuck a plate and storm off?

Fuck that. I’d never want to see you again either.

This is so childish.

@chonkylamp These people are very, very difficult to get on with in the long term, because everyone messes up sometimes, even Mr Perfect himself. In normal cirumstances you have to be a bit tolerant of the occasional minor lapse and forgive and forget. (Clearly there are situations when going No Contact is justified, but not usually.)

I think you've said what I think perfectly. I agree that there are circumstances where going no contact is absolutely justified but when you see it come up on threads on MN, it's usually a difficult decision that people have come to after multiple instances of really horrible behaviour where the other side refuse to admit any wrong doing or change or stop whatever toxic behaviour. I've said it a couple of times now but we always got along really well before this.

He doesn't actually have a lot of people in his life, no friends or family, only my sister, as he has fallen out with them over time. He always paints himself as the victim in those situations and I believed him and felt sorry for him but I'm wondering now about his version of those events.

@Ironingontheceiling are you okay? I said it WASN'T that kind of situation, and then went on to describe the ACTUAL situation in detail.