BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

He sounds like a sick but maybe he is doing this to get out of family quizzes and word searches. I know I'd be looking for any excuse.

Honestly, just cut your losses with him. He doesn't sound like a pleasant person.

Honestly can't be arsed with as soon as someone coughs people shouting covid .
Whilst coughing is a symptom the chance of a random coughing being covid is the same as someone being asymptomatic .
You left breaking up the family meal, DH texted him and called him a bellend then you missed him off the quiz.
He does have a point

@rwalker

Honestly can't be arsed with as soon as someone coughs people shouting covid . Whilst coughing is a symptom the chance of a random coughing being covid is the same as someone being asymptomatic . You left breaking up the family meal, DH texted him and called him a bellend then you missed him off the quiz. He does have a point

The point being he is a bellend. He didn't just start coughing and op panicked he was asked more than once and said he had it. Op has said she overreacted, although I don't think she did, and has apologised. I would contact him one last time and tell him to grow the fuck up. I also would be asking your mum why she's tryingto appease him and not you.

You've spent more than enough time and energy on this now, you have to accept he's not going to change his mind and get on with life.

Ps he IS a bellend

One of the huge benefits of 2020 is that we now have an excuse not to visit tiresome relatives...i would continue to milk this fortuitous circumstance well into 2021.

I voted YABU because you have kept grovelling round the sulky child
He is an arse. Back off and leave him to sulk

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

I would love to hear the other side of this story.

^^ This.

The way you describe it, OP he does sound like a bell end.

But I'm struck by the fact, although you seem to describe a fairly calm but firm reaction to his "joke" you say that you overreacted. And your mother and sister seem to have more sympathy for him and not much for you. So I wonder if you are perhaps over playing his role in it all and under playing your own?

And you want him to come to gatherings you're at again, even though you imply you still think he may have actually had covid and not have simply been joking. Why would you want to be at gatherings he's at if you think he would knowingly go when infected? Do you really think he could have had covid? Because if he was joking and everyone knew it, that could itself be quite hurtful.

Obviously I don't know how this all really played out and I'm not saying you have to be lying and you must have behaved poorly. Or that he was hard done by. He could have been an utter jerk. But to me your story feels like you've missed out some critical pieces so I wonder if you are able to see it clearly yourself.

Would everyone who witnessed what happened agree that you just left because you were concerned about Covid or do they, for example, think it was more than obvious he was joking and see it as you not just over reacted but trying to be controlling?

He is a bellend, both for his 'joke' and for how he has behaved since. You keeping apologising is just reinforcing in his mind that he is right and you were wrong. Stop doing that, move on and don't stop going to things to allow him
to go.

Its up to you whether you accept going to your sisters for Christmas Eve or if you insist its your turn to host - personally given whats going on I would be happy to say I would host next year when hopefully we should be back to normal.

For heaven’s sake, stop pandering to him!

He’s an attention-seeking little drama queen, and you’re giving him attention. Stop.

Leave him to fester and wallow alone, if that’s what he wants.

You did nothing wrong!

What kind of Bellend attended a family gathering in March ‘coughing’, offering no actual explanation to reassure everyone and then acts like the injured party!?!?!

I’d be expecting the apology from him and staying firm until I get one! Not being funny but family situations like this often end up with blame being placed on the person most willing to accept it! I’m afraid it sounds like that’s now you.

You should have been much firmer from the start!

@lazyarse123T
he point being he is a bellend.
He didn't just start coughing and op panicked he was asked more than once and said he had it. Op has said she overreacted, although I don't think she did, and has apologised.
I would contact him one last time and tell him to grow the fuck up. I also would be asking your mum why she's trying to appease him and not you.

Like any of us how would he know if he had it/didn't have because of a few coughs as much chance of the rest of the party having it and being asymptomatic. Just seems like a stupid question .

He sounds rather like a three-year-old having a tantrum, then a good pouting spell. Having lived for the last four years with that at the head of our government, I can tell you that you are not only being reasonable, you're apparently the only adult in the room when talking with him.

My hope is that you sister is able to see what sort of man she married, and gets out while the getting is good. Be sure to keep in contact with her, at least, not mentioning him at all. She might need that lifeline at some point.

My DB’s girlfriend (live together) decided to fanny around ‘visiting’ and staying over at her family’s house in a high risk lockdown area over the summer.

Totally ignoring the rules.

It caused ALL SORTS of drama and basically resulted in her claiming we were racists who hated her family (because I wasn’t willing to risk myself and small child whilst she broke all the rules).

I kid you not. It actually came to a head in a call with my DB sobbing on the phone telling me I needed to apologise to her. (She was in the background).

I told him he was insane, she was a rule breaker putting everyone at risk and I was very angry with her for the pointless and selfish drama she had caused. When SHE was ready to apologise to ME I would consider it and was very clear to all family exactly what the situation was. They agreed with me.

A few weeks later her family caught covid whilst she was at their house and she got stranded there locked down with only enough stuff for a 2-3 day visit.

I did get my apology

Why on Earth did your husband text him that after you had left?

March was a different time to now - where that kind of cough and joke probably was being done lots didn’t know what was coming

He sounds a right tit. Stop giving him the attention he wants.

He made a bit of a crap joke and ended up getting interrogated. And you and your husband walked out in the middle of a dinner. then he got a text calling him a bellend?

I wouldn’t want involved again either.

How is her marriage to him? He sounds very controlling and I’d be suspicious that he’s exhibiting similar behaviour in the house and being an arsehole to her.

I think you've probably massively skewed this story in your favour, hence other family members trying to coax him back.

You had a big family gathering just a few days before the first lockdown (having of course debated your symptoms beforehand), you then had a family barbecue just a few days after, now you're planning a multi household Christmas.

I'm not trying to catch you out because personally I'm all for living life as normally as possible, but my point is its ridiculous you then go on to talk about your "mental health" and how worried you are about covid and how your BIL shattered your fragile mental state with an ill judged unfunny joke.

Somebody who is deeply worried about covid doesnt have big gatherings any time the rules are relaxed. So I think that's a load of bullshit and you've twisted the picture to make it sound much worse than it was. You also use the word "drama" in your title which is quite telling. It's quite a dramatic word to use which makes me think YOU'RE the drama queen here, not him.

Another version of this story could be that in reality you probably dont like your BIL, and you're overly dramatic. So when he coughed, I'm imagining a hand pressed to the chest, eyes watering, fork placed down, making a big deal out of BIL coughing. Out of irritation he says "yes, that's right Jen: I have covid" - deadpanned. You then start flapping. He carries on out of irritation.

The next thing you know, your husband is sending him a text calling him a bellend.

Your printer left him off the word search you made? I dont believe that for a single second. The kind of person who goes to the effort of creating and printing something like that fir her family is the kind of person to check and then double check everybody is on there. So you did that on purpose to leave him out.

Theres really no other explanation for your family trying to placate you, but I doubt we will get the true story here.

Your printer didn’t leave his name off the word search. It’s not capable of independent thought. It put the names in (well, technically your computer did) that you told it to.

@Ironingontheceiling

Your printer didn’t leave his name off the word search. It’s not capable of independent thought. It put the names in (well, technically your computer did) that you told it to.

If the screen image was too big it would be left off when printed.

it woudnt be possible anyway.if there is 3 siblings(partners,families) and your mum?that four households.

You apologised, which was big of you under the circumstances. Many wouldn’t have.

He decided not to accept the apology. That’s his right.

You’ll just have to accept the situation for what it is.

Unfortunately people will pick sides. YANBU to feel like your mum/wider family has picked the wrong one but there’s little you can do about that.

Do you really all want to be together anyway? That's a lot of people. Just sounds like another corona soup mix. How many households would it be?

I'm probably used to a darker sense of humour, but I wouldn't have stood up and walked out of a meal halfway through eating that someone else had made, no matter how bad the joke was. What did you say when you left, was there shouting or did you quietly slip away?
When your DH texted, what did he actually say, what was the exchange? This is all very important to give us context.
I had a row with a family member and things were said that I can never quite get past. Like you we both apologised to make family events easier. It was over something relatively silly, but from my POV it had been brewing for years. I wonder if there is something similar here?