BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

It wasn't one cough and a yes and I threw my plate across the room and stormed out.

Well, that's a bit of a drip feed. . Unless I missed it in the OP?

You say you apologised to your mum and sister for leaving. Did you apologise for air bounding the crockery?

‘... because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it.’

Is this how he keeps your sister in line?
Has he form for this already?

You all seem awful. Throwing plates and name calling. The refusal on bil part to let it go. Are you all characters in Eastenders?

[quote BILdrama]@Ironingontheceiling are you okay? I said it WASN'T that kind of situation, and then went on to describe the ACTUAL situation in detail.[/quote]
Since @Butchyrestingface read it the way I did I’d say it was poorly phrased.

@BILdrama our posts have crossed.

BiL sounds like a case & a half.
I wonder if the rest of the family ‘accommodate’ him as they realise that your sister may be very isolated already.

Is it possible to speak of the bigger truth openly in the family that he’s a controlling & divisive presence in the family?

@pheonixrosehere @chaosmaker @quartz2208 @thewiseoneincognito

I know that I need to get over this really and move on, I just want things to be civil but I know I can't force him to be, but how do I stop thinking about it and allowing it to upset me and wishing it was different? I don't know how to switch off from it.

Why can you not just step back and let the thing calm down?

Why are you at it and at it like a dog with a bone?

Let the thing rest and let him have space.

Interesting how as soon as he doesn't see things in the same way as the OP he is called controlling! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I must be controlling. My boyfriends brother and wife don’t even have my telephone number and I don’t have either of my SILs numbers either. Nor do they have mine.

Since @Butchyrestingface read it the way I did I’d say it was poorly phrased.

That'll learn me!

So no crockery got smashed? The scales of justice are firmly tipped back in favour of the OP then. I'm so glad. Nothing discombobulates me more than having to change my mind halfway through a thread.

[quote BILdrama]**@pheonixrosehere* @chaosmaker* @quartz2208 @thewiseoneincognito

I know that I need to get over this really and move on, I just want things to be civil but I know I can't force him to be, but how do I stop thinking about it and allowing it to upset me and wishing it was different? I don't know how to switch off from it.[/quote]
The best way to switch off from one thing is to focus on another

@ironingontheceiling - fair point, I've reported it to remove it.

@butchyrestingface @universalaunt @strangedayindeed - sorry that post was poorly worded. I didn't throw any plates, I was trying to illustrate that it wasn't a big dramatic scene like someone had suggested.

I suspect there's much more to this than meets the eye and your BIL has shit going on behind the scenes.

On the face of it, he's being a silly bugger.

Seeing your update OP, I change what I said. I would have followed you out with my own husband. Knowing my husband though, he would have called him more than a bellend.

You know that many people wouldn’t be comfortable with a once a month dinner with the in laws?

I wouldn’t. And I just wouldn’t go. My partner/boyfriend can see his family as often as he wants, but it’s controlling to make me go and see them once a month and it be a whole drama snub if I don’t go.

To be fair, I don't think he is controlling to my sister, not really. He has some quirks like they're not allowed to have eggs in the house because he doesn't like them but he doesn't stop her talking to or seeing us or anything.

He does have to have things his way a lot though, or done a certain way. I don't know if he's controlling or just very stubborn.

I also read it as “I threw my plate across the room”

Every time you re-apologise to your BIL and sue for peace you are massaging his egotistic self entitlement and vanity. He cannot stand the fact that you and your dh challenged him and he's too thick and childish to accept he was wrong.
OP you need to STOP pandering to his selfishness. He IS a bellend.

FFS The bloke was just coughing whilst eating. The Op doesn’t say he was putting it on. He didn’t even mention Coronavirus someone else bought it up. They knew he didn’t have it as they had specifically addressed this before having the dinner together. He’d hardly say yes he had it, if he did actually thought he had it . Unless the Op is accusing him of deliberately spreading a potentially fatal disease. In which case I can see why he doesn’t want to know her.

Im torn between wanting to not care at all and have nothing more to do with him and then also wanting to literally begging him on my knees to please just stop acting like this

Oh please stop pandering to this grown up baby. Leave it now, starve it of oxygen it it will die

He is a childish, controlling idiot who is feeding off the attention.

I don’t like rice pudding. I’m completely phobic about it. I can’t be in the room when it’s eaten and I wouldn’t have it in this house.

I must be controlling even more.

I don’t have many close friends because life has taught me that I work better with a few close friends and I don’t want extraneous others in my life. I can count my friends - my really good friends - outside of my family and my boyfriend on the fingers of one hand.

People are different. If I’d been in his shoes there wouldn’t be a once a month dinner. And if I got a text like he got, I’d be done as well.

What I would do is Christmas once a year, not Christmas Eve and then a family dinner on Christmas Day or Boxing Day which is what it sounds like you do, but I’d do one dinner and that’s it. (In a normal her - this year I’d go nowhere especially not were there was all that drama over a cough because Covid but you can meet up every farts feather when it suits you).

I honestly think you are as bad as each other.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Did you miss this part?

*He kept coughing and so my BIL asked jokingly if it was covid, he said yes and launched into a speech about it. My other sister asked if he was joking and said he shouldnt have come if he really thought that, then he started talking about Covid consipracy theories and how it had all gone round his workplace. My Mum kept saying he was joking and he'd just had a bit of a cold the previous week.

I didn't say anything I was just listening and then I said "XX, please tell me are you joking?? You can't really think you would have it or you wouldnt have come" but he said he did. So I asked my sister if he was kidding and she looked embarassed but just shrugged. I looked at DH and then just said "well I'm going then". My mum said don't go he's just kidding as I was at the door so I said back "he's been asked three times if he was kidding and he's said no each time, if he's joking it's not funny and he should just say" and then left. I got home and texted my Mum and other sister to apologise for leaving.*

That’s more than just one little cough. He could have ended things when people were asking if he was serious and chose not to.

*year not her

He doesn't actually have a lot of people in his life, no friends or family, only my sister, as he has fallen out with them over time. He always paints himself as the victim in those situations and I believed him and felt sorry for him but I'm wondering now about his version of those events

This is very telling

@Thewinterofdiscontent no, he did have some kind of cough/cold, he coughed a few times before my BIL asked him. When he was saying it was coronavirus, my mum said that he'd had a bit of a cold the previous week. We'd asked on the group chat if anyone had had a cough or cold and my sister (his partner) said no. She should have said yes to that really, and we wouldn't have gone and it would have avoided all this.

He sounds quite controlling thinking he’s the one in charge of when he’ll decide to see you. I think you’re feeding into this by repeatedly trying to make amends.

He made an inappropriate joke (who knows, maybe he even did have Covid!). You’ve bent over backwards and been more than reasonable trying to put things right. You’ve don’t nothing wrong OP.

I would honestly stop making any further attempts to put things right, remove his control and just enjoy the rest of your family. His partner/your sister can decide which family gatherings she wants to attend.

If he’s the kind of person who only gives a person one chance, then maybe he should only be given the one chance. Don’t let this complete idiot spoil your Christmas 💐