BIL Drama - AIBU or is he?

[BILdrama]

NC for this as it would be outing.

In March this year, just before the lockdown, we had a family gathering at my Mums with my two sisters and our partners. We had been talking about Coronavirus a lot in our family group chat and had been unsure whether to meet but we all specifically said that we had no symptoms, no temperatures, we didn’t know what would happen with a lockdown and thought this might be the last chance to see each other for who knows how long so we went ahead with it.

When we got there, as we were eating my BIL started coughing. My other BIL said “it’s not coronavirus is it” to which he replied “yes it is”.

He has a very dry sense of humour and can be very over dramatic so I thought he was joking at first but repeated questioning to him and my sister from all of us and he kept insisting he’d had it, my mum said no it was just a cough and he was just joking and my sister looked embarrassed but just shrugged.

So me and DH got up and left. I’m sure he hadn’t had it, I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just being over dramatic but at the time he kept saying he didn’t believe in the virus anyway and it was all just a media scaremongering/government conspiracy theory etc.

I was really upset, my mental health at the time was terrible, I was terrified of what would happen with the virus and I had just started a couple of days before some medication to help, but I was upset that this would have been the last chance to see my mum in who knows how long and he’d ruined it. My husband text him and said that he didn’t think it was funny, that he’d acted like a “bellend” and it wasn’t right.

Anyway over the next couple of months, he refused to talk to any of the family, wouldn’t join in the zoom quizzes etc. I sent my sisters and BILs all a little care package at Easter and I made a word search of family words but my printer missed off his name and my other sisters (not his partner) and it started an argument back up that I’d left him out (I hadn’t, my sisters was missing too, it was an accident and I explained as much as soon as I realised) and I’d put his name on other things.

My birthday was a couple of days after we were allowed outdoor gatherings so I invited everyone for a barbecue but he didn’t come. We lost my Dad a few years ago and it would have been his 60th birthday the following month, we’d planned a big party in his honour but obviously had to cancel it but we were going to have a small barbecue again instead. We found out he wasn’t coming to that either so after speaking to my mum who encouraged us, my husband and I went to their house to talk to him and try and clear the air.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

That was in July and we haven’t seen him since, I sent him a card and present for his birthday which he text me and said thank you for. He fell out with everyone in the family initially but will now go to family things if we aren’t there.

I text my sister after Boris announced the Christmas rule relaxation and said that as far as we were concerned we were over everything that had happened and we hoped that he would come to things over Christmas that we would be at, that we wouldn’t say anything about what had happened and she replied “thank you”.

The thing is, it still really upsets me and it’s causing such an issue for Christmas now. It was supposed to be our turn having people round on Christmas Eve but my family want me to let my other sister do it so he will come as he “doesn’t feel ready to see us yet“. We are all having Christmas dinner seperately, no ones said it but I’m sure it’s because of the situation. I feel like my Mum is taking my other sisters side, saying how hard things are for her, which I’m sure they are, I know she’s stuck in the middle.

But it’s been really upsetting for me too. I hate the fact that there is so much hostility, I feel like it was a stupid little argument/falling out that we both are at blame for happening, he was unreasonable for saying he had COVID/coming to a party if he genuinely thought he had had it and we were unreasonable to walk out/say he was being a bellend. It seems so silly looking back and I just truly can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.

My sister/his partner says she won’t force him to make up with us or come to things if he doesn’t want to as we’re not his family and it’s up to him, but I always thought of him as part of the family. I thought we were friends even, we would go out for meals etc together as a foursome. Even if he doesn’t want to be friends I would understand that but surely he can be at things we’re at and just be civil?

I’m sorry this was so long. AIBU or should he be able to move on from this by now?

He is a bell end.

Stop apologising and trying to appease him. It puts him in a position of power, which he is clearly revelling in. Just treat him like you would a petulant child. Carry on as normal, ask once if he will be attending something, and if the answer is no then move on without comment. He is loving the attention, cut the attention and he’ll get over himself pretty soon.

I can see his point actually. He got a cough and someone at the table asks if it Coronavirus? I mean that’s actually telling the bloke they think he’s stupid enough to come to dinner with. Nice family. Either way it was the other BIL that made the poor joke. A sarcastic “ yes” was fitting.

Then you leave his name off some weird care package thing - did they even need one? Many of us were working and shopping fairly normally.

Then every month he has another mass family gathering to endure. I think he’s sick of the lot of you frankly.

I think that his perception of what happened is probably somewhat different to yours.

That said, taking it at face value it does seem to have blown up out of all proportion for some reason. You have apologised and now I think you just have to let him get on with it and come round in his own time.

“Just at the beginning of the COVID outbreak we went to my mum’s for dinner. While we were at the table my DH coughed, and when my sister asked if it was COVID, he jokingly said yes. She continued to question even though it was pretty evident it was just a joke, and one which was pretty common at the very beginning of the pandemic...

Anyway she wasn’t happy with this so her and BIL got up and stormed out. After we got home BIL sent DH a text telling him how inappropriate he was and how he was a bellend.

A month or so down the line we heard from family that she had made up a care package for all the family except us. She had also done a family word search, and again we were left out.

My family all agree that she is being childish but now she seems to think that we should all just look past it all.

TBH i don’t think we should. Yes DH coughing was probably a bit of stupid joke, but let’s be honest this was the beginning of the pandemic and nobody actually had any idea what this was going to lead to. But her reaction has been so disproportionate that DH says he wants nothing more to do with her.

AIBU to go NC?”

I imagine that’s how the post would look from the sister/BIL’s POV.

I agree with a previous poster that he has seized on this opportunity to get out of suffocating plans for his time - or at least put the cat among the pigeons and shake up the expectations.

It’s “your turn” to host xmas eve. Where do his family or friends feature in the turn taking? Perhaps he’d like to stay at home with his partner on xmas eve without there having to be a drama to enable it. How about genuinely inviting family over (the kind of invitation that people are free to decline if they choose to or have other plans). I’m guessing if he chose to see his family and friends you will be unhappy about him “putting you and your family at risk”?

We need more of an explanation about what actually happened when you were ‘upset’. BIL may have behaved like a slight bellend, but then it doesn’t sound like you reacted well either so maybe he has a valid reason for not wanting to see you yet.

@AlternativePerspective

“Just at the beginning of the COVID outbreak we went to my mum’s for dinner. While we were at the table my DH coughed, and when my sister asked if it was COVID, he jokingly said yes. She continued to question even though it was pretty evident it was just a joke, and one which was pretty common at the very beginning of the pandemic...

Anyway she wasn’t happy with this so her and BIL got up and stormed out. After we got home BIL sent DH a text telling him how inappropriate he was and how he was a bellend.

A month or so down the line we heard from family that she had made up a care package for all the family except us. She had also done a family word search, and again we were left out.

My family all agree that she is being childish but now she seems to think that we should all just look past it all.

TBH i don’t think we should. Yes DH coughing was probably a bit of stupid joke, but let’s be honest this was the beginning of the pandemic and nobody actually had any idea what this was going to lead to. But her reaction has been so disproportionate that DH says he wants nothing more to do with her.

AIBU to go NC?”

I imagine that’s how the post would look from the sister/BIL’s POV.

Except she accidentally left her other sister off, not the one married to BIL, and included him on other bits in the pack.

Honestly NC after that sounds ridiculous.

OP for what it’s worth even if you did overreact he is acting like a spoilt child. He is enjoying you running rings around him apologising and is probably playing the victim to others. Stop saying sorry. He doesn’t deserve it anymore.

He seems very dramatic? I think you leaving was a slight overreaction which you’ve said yourself and explained why. I think I’d go in with a last “Dear diva, (obv put his actual name instead)!ive explained my overreaction, I’ve apologised for it and I’ve continued to ask you to events and treated you as you always have done, at this point I’m not sure if you will ever be ready to move on. I sense this has affected you more deeply than I realise and I am sorry that was never my intention. I can’t force you to ever move on from it, so I won’t keep bringing it up and apologising over and over anymore. I love you and miss you. If you decide to move on I’d love that, if you don’t I will respect it and not discuss it again. I hope any awkwardness at family gatherings fades over time regardless of our relationship for the sake of everyone else and I will now give you a bit of space and leave it to you to let me know if your feelings on the matter ever change. Love x”

"he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it."

TOTAL bellend, who does he think he is? He needs to grow up and move past this for your sister's sake, I would be beyond furious if my DP had a stupid "one chance" rule that was preventing me from seeing my family at Christmas, especially after this year we've all had, and I would consider leaving him alone on Christmas if he was insisting on being a prat.

I'm on the fence as I think his 'joke' was no big deal at all and one that lots of people were making in March. You're using your MH to excuse your OTT reaction and your DH's text crossed the line into relationship-ending, so I don't blame BIL for drawing a line and deciding not to bother with you in future, especially adding in the wordsearch snub, which also has a spurious excuse - who goes to that trouble and doesn't check? He may well be a childish arse as well, but it's up to him who he spends time with, especially this year when we're not meant to be spending much time with anyone, so I'd back off if I were you and accept his decision. Perhaps he never liked you much and this was the final straw. Perhaps you never liked him much and this can be your final straw. Either way, you've made enough overtures and it's not working so you'd BU not to accept it and move on.

We said we wanted to sort things out, that we missed speaking to him and seeing him. That as far as we were concerned we’re family and it was water under the bridge and could we not sort things out and draw a line under it and move on. However he said that he didn’t want to speak to us again, he thought we were childish, he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he didn’t want anything to do with us Anymore because with him you have one chance and once it’s gone that’s it. I tried to explain that looking back I knew I had overreacted but that I just hadn’t been well mentally and my DH had just been sticking up for me but that we knew it was an overreaction and if we could go back and change it we would, but he still said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore.

Nowhere in all that did you apologise.

Your family seem to want to meet up an awful lot. Family meals with the in laws are not my idea of fun. I’d do one at Christmas and maybe parents birthdays but I certainly wouldn’t be doing siblings birthdays too.

And if you’d sent me a “care package” I’d be completely dumbfounded personally I think that sort of thing is a pile of shite.

I’m sorry you’re upset but I think from your BIL POV the whole story would sound quite different.

And if you were that bothered about COVID why are you all meeting up every 5 minutes anyway?

And all those saying he has to move past it?

No. He doesn’t. This could be the straw that broke the camels back. The last of a long line of petty overreactions and small snubs and he’s just had enough. He does not have to move past or get over it if he doesn’t want to.

With everything that's going on right now who's got the energy to deal with a petulant, attention seeker, who's having a tantrum because he didn't like being pulled up on his twattish behaviour? Seriously OP, stop dancing to his tune and leave him to his childish games. Honestly I couldn't be doing with it.

He really is a bellend – and he's also trying to control your family narrative. I suspect he's getting off on being the centre of the drama and is revelling in your many attempts to make peace. It's making him feel important. If I were you I'd stop completely and withdraw from the ongoing discussion about it, telling your DM that you've done what you can and you're leaving it now, then see what happens.

@goldfishparade - I'm not as worried now, and I wouldn't react to the same situation like this again if it happened now. I used "drama" in my title because I think that's what it was, we were both being overly dramatic over what really should have been a non issue. I've said multiple times in my OP that I overreacted, I did. I accept my wrong doing in the situation. But I also think he shouldn't have made/stuck by the joke, or come if he really thought it.

My other BIL asked him if he had coronavirus, he said it jokingly and I don't think any of us expected him to say yes. It wasn't actually me or my husband questioning him at first, it was my BIL and the reason he didn't speak to any of us for a while is because my BIL, Sister and Mum all said he shouldn't be joking about it, but we were the only one's who left.

I don't know why you think I don't like him - I really liked him, like I said in my OP we used to spend time together as a foursome, we had a couple of shared interests that I enjoyed talking to him about, I enjoyed his company. I thought we were friends.

@ironceiling - The printer DID leave him off the wordsearch, there were 3 columns of words to find and his and my sisters and my dogs name, were on the bottom line of each column and it just cut off. His name was IN the wordsearch, and his surname was on it too. I use photoshop for photography so I can use the programme but find it really complicated to print from as I never really do it, so I'm not sure what the problem was but it honestly was not intentional.

I left my ex husband over a banana sandwich.

How petty and small minded and what a twat I was to throw the head up and implode a family over something so small.

Except. That was the straw that broke me.

I strongly suspect that the BIL has reached the same point I did.

This is a family where his attendance is mandatory every fucking five minutes in the middle of a pandemic ffs.

Also, to address the household/bubble issue: technically we are four households but my Mum lives alone so she is in a support bubble with my (other) sister so they class as one household under the guidance. There are 7 of us in total.

No one owes you a relationship. You’re pushing and pushing with the care package and wordsearches and family meals that there are expectations of him to attend far too often.

He doesn’t owe you a relationship. And if you have to try this hard, it’s not a natural friendship.

You can’t make him like you, and he doesn’t have any obligation to like you and want to spend time with you.

I wouldn’t be happy to be having to go to events as often as your family do. I’d do, as I said, Christmas and one in the summer.. if my boyfriend was to go see his family every other day that’s up to him. But I wouldn’t want to go with.

His complete over reaction and insistence on continuing this shows two things.
1 he is an arse

1. it is an excuse for falling out.

Wow. You have bent over backwards to appease him. You have shown yourself to be conciliatory and kind but he has exposed himself as a selfish, immature individual. It is like he is enjoying his hold over your previously happy and cordial family.

I am sorry for your sister. She is married to a prat and is trying to appease both sides. But your dm, well you are her dd and her loyalty should be to you and not to your ds's prat of a dh who had already caused damage that cannot be undone. She needs to wise up now.

I think you have to remove yourself from his game playing op as it is causing damage to your well being. Your dh was right first time. Enjoy your Christmas in your own home free from him. Don't chase up your family, you already have a good one at home.

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

What an arse. So your whole family would rather move Christmas eve to another house, does that mean you aren't invited so he can be there? He needs a talking to. He made a horrible joke and should have known people would be very sensitive as there's a pandemic going on. He's too bloody minded to accept his mistake and has chosen this as the hill he wants to die on. If he keeps it all up he may well be trying to make out that it is you who are wrong, he is right and he is the wounded party in all this. What a dick.

100% this.

Every time you re-apologise to your BIL and sue for peace you are massaging his egotistic self entitlement and vanity. He cannot stand the fact that you and your dh challenged him and he's too thick and childish to accept he was wrong.
OP you need to STOP pandering to his selfishness. He IS a bellend.

He is a bellend.
Stop grovelling and pleading for his forgiveness.

Honestly, I don't reckon any of you are coming out of this looking good.

Your BIL was a knobber, but it was clearly a joke.

You and your DH were drama queens who decided to carry on the insults after the event.

Family word searches but missing family names - sloppy. Never do anything like that without checking everyone is included.

Your mum and extended family keeping it going.

Life is too short for all this shit. You need to stop apologising, he needs to come off his high horse. Just drop a phone call and say that you are just letting them know one last time you are sorry, you want to make amends and as far as you are concerned it's over. You will continue to treat him as normal, issue normal invites and refuse to pander to it anymore. If he accepts the apologies then brilliant, if he doesn't then his choice but your life will carry on as normal.

I don't like my SIL, she's a vain, silly and self obsessed little princess, but for the sake of family I just treat her like an acquaintance and act polite.

If you're that concerned about covid I'm surprised you're playing around with small gaps in technicalities to enable gatherings.

I also think your family sounds exhausting. As a SIL I wouldnt be happy with this much family time

@LadyFlumpalot

Honestly, I don't reckon any of you are coming out of this looking good.

Your BIL was a knobber, but it was clearly a joke.

You and your DH were drama queens who decided to carry on the insults after the event.

Family word searches but missing family names - sloppy. Never do anything like that without checking everyone is included.

Your mum and extended family keeping it going.

Life is too short for all this shit. You need to stop apologising, he needs to come off his high horse. Just drop a phone call and say that you are just letting them know one last time you are sorry, you want to make amends and as far as you are concerned it's over. You will continue to treat him as normal, issue normal invites and refuse to pander to it anymore. If he accepts the apologies then brilliant, if he doesn't then his choice but your life will carry on as normal.

I don't like my SIL, she's a vain, silly and self obsessed little princess, but for the sake of family I just treat her like an acquaintance and act polite.

I really agree with you 100%.

I text my sister saying basically that a few days ago but the Christmas Eve thing has come up since unfortunately.