Talking/flirting with a married man. I know it's wrong

[Greyandwhite]

I know I'm a horrible person and I expect to be completely flamed for posting this

I'm not even sure how it got started. We met in work over a month ago, got chatting, had a bit of a laugh but I noticed the wedding ring and that was that. I'm 24 and he's 37. Was talking to another male colleague a few days later and the topic came up, I told him I thought he was attractive but knew he was married. Told him in confidence so didn't really expect him to say anything as I knew nothing could ever happen but I guess men gossip to...

This was over a month ago now and I haven't seen him since we first met. I'd not even given it a second thought until last night when he requested to follow me on Facebook out of the blue. I thought nothing of it as I do have a lot of work colleagues on Facebook so saw nothing wrong with accepting him but certainly didn't expect him to message me or make any contact. Well, he has tonight. Made a lot of comments about how he's flattered "someone like me??" would find him attractive etc and asking "if I like him?" and "what have I been saying about him?" I asked him if he was married, he said yes but is still continuing to message and be flirty/cheeky.

I have to admit, I am enjoying the attention and we are having a laugh, talking about random stuff but I know it's completely wrong and so inappropriate. Just spoke to the other colleague about it (the one who told him) and he's confirmed that he finds me very attractive etc.

Just give me a kick up the arse, I'm not a slag. This isn't me, I know it's wrong. I would be heartbroken if this was my husband/partner. I know there is no excuse for doing something like this

@PrincessNutNut

Oh they do - at least by slightly older married/divorced women - just no where near as hard as the women (not fair, but true)...Men who cheat are disgusting - but whilst our society judges the men, itpunishesthe women. Again, not fair, but that's how it plays out, every time.

So in other words, no they don't.

I said they're judged but not as hard - and unlike women, are not punished. Shan't venture further down this rabbit hole. 🤷‍♀️

Block OP and ignore.
If anything is going to give a bad vibe at work is the texting.
I would watch closely this other colleague who has been passing info between you two.

I said they're judged but not as hard - and unlike women, are not punished. Shan't venture further down this rabbit hole.

When the women get ten times the shit that the men do, which by your admission they do, that means that the men are not judged hard. At all. If I got one year in prison for the same crime that carries ten for everyone else, then I got off lightly. No matter how horrible prison is.

You've done the right thing hon.

But I've been there, he won't give up, and you'll have to prepare for his advances to get stronger.

Your friend was not really a friend in 'setting you up' with this person in my opinion.

@CakeRequired

The office whore grin in 1925, maybe.

Sadly its how some men think, and as two of her colleagues are already discussing her behind her back, they probably are taking bets like someone else said on how long it takes for this older man to get her into bed.

It's maybe now some men think, bur we shouldn't be normalising it.

@DryRoastPeanut

You say “I’m not a slag” but if you was my friend, my daughter or someone flirting shamelessly with my husband I’d tell you in no uncertain terms that you most definitely are a slag.

You know you’re doing wrong by encouraging him. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that. You also don’t need anyone else to give you permission. He’s a tart, so are you.

Just be prepared for that thump on your door from his missus. It absolutely will come.
Please stop trying to kid yourself that you’re an innocent party to this. you’re not. You’re just as much of a slag as he is.

Yes he’s behaving worse than you, but that doesn’t make you innocent. You know he’s married, grow up and find yourself a single man.

She's not a slag. Nobody let alone women should be using this word.

She's single and has exchanged some messages with a married man. I'm not condoning it but it happens. You are coming across worse than her here.

Any post calling a woman a slag on here is misogynistic and should be removed.

OP instead of ‘ignoring’ him, thus leaving the door open for more contact why don’t you just tell him the truth? That you are not interested in married men. I don’t really understand why you are letting him continue to message you so that when you have a weak moment you can engage with him again, telling yourself it’s harmless etc. This is exactly how this kind of thing starts.

Just stop playing games and shut it down properly. Gain yourself some respect in your colleagues eyes too.

And if he is of that turn of mind he will probably think you are playing hard to get. Do the right thing and tell him straight.

It's maybe now some men think, bur we shouldn't be normalising it.

Shouldn't be naive either and think they don't do it like op has unfortunately done. Can't change everyone's behaviour or thoughts, hell there are still people in the world who think what the nazis did was right. We can open our eyes though to how other people may be thinking and not fall for things like this.

Most men are decent, but there's still slimy assholes out there. When they are clearly gossiping about you behind your back and then telling you this to your face, you've met the slimy kind.

Being in an abusive relationship can 'set your compass wrong', so that the next person you find attractive/seek a relationship with is bad for you, and so is the next one, and the next one and so forth... For me, it was about a bit of me trying to go back and 'fix' what went wrong the first time. This time, he'll love me, this time it will come good...
Speaking personally, it wasn't until I got some counselling and learnt to 'reset my inner compass' that I was able to choose someone who was actually good for me, and feel confident turning down those he won't.

This guy is a jerk (you know that, right?) He isn't worth you giving him the time of day. You, on the other hand, are precious. Please treat yourself as you deserve, and make a counsellor's appointment!

Oh the old classic im going to ignore him.. when for men its like a red rag to a bull.. playing hard to get he will think.. women use that technique, oldest in the book. Men love the chase. You think you are now redeeming yourself and re enforcing the boundaries hahahaha
Tell him it is inappropriate and for gods sake be more professional at work.

@CakeRequired

It's maybe now some men think, bur we shouldn't be normalising it.

Shouldn't be naive either and think they don't do it like op has unfortunately done. Can't change everyone's behaviour or thoughts, hell there are still people in the world who think what the nazis did was right. We can open our eyes though to how other people may be thinking and not fall for things like this.

Most men are decent, but there's still slimy assholes out there. When they are clearly gossiping about you behind your back and then telling you this to your face, you've met the slimy kind.

But neither you or I actually know that that is what's happened here .

I'd nip this in the bud right now. Look ahead to where you think this will end up. He is very unlikely to want to leave his wife and the life he has for you. You're an ego boost and a distraction on the side. If it wasn't you it would be another woman. You deserve better than to be that.

I predict a "oooh can I take it from your lack of reply that have I've been a bit naughty" message before the day is out.

OP you inadvertently started this, so now finish it. Block him. Then be polite and professional at work, and if your so-called friend mentions him just say you misspoke and have nothing else to discuss on the subject.

And don't have a glass of wine later, think 'fuck it, this is just harmless fun' and start it all up again just for the ego boost.

But neither you or I actually know that that is what's happened here .

We do know the men are talking about op behind her back. The chances of that all just being complimentary considering the one she fancies being married is slim. It's more likely they aren't being nice about her.

Never understood the older married man appeal, especially when I was a young woman, I was too selfish (or just normal ), would rather have a man's attentions all to myself. Why would would you wanna be texting someone who could then roll over and be shagging his wife. Sounds a bit like you've got no better options 🤷

It’s people like you that make men think they’re untouchable. I feel bad for his wife and you should too! Absolutely hate women like you.

Think about his poor wife and possible kids, even if he's too much of an arsehole to.
Seriously, find someone else to boost your ego.

Never understood the older married man appeal, especially when I was a young woman, I was too selfish
It is because they're easier to catch it is usually an insecure person who chases a married person just to prove to themself how irresistible they are when really they're offering secret without effort, the wife will never know.

Also - what is the actual point of all this? If you see him leaving his wife for you, thats great isnt it until he does the same to you. If its just flattery you're after, then for fucks sake get it from someone who isnt married.

@UniversalHadIt

Hmmm.

As someone who ONLY seems to attract married men, let me tell you this.

It isn’t about you. It’s about him. I mean- for him it’s about him. It’s about feeling younger, hotter, like he has options, like he’s cool. It’s about a fantasy of an affair. He might be a total cad and it’s even about trying to shag you for real.

But,

You could be anyone. You could be LITERALLY anyone to this guy. He isn’t interested in you, or your personality. He doesn’t care where you grew up, or that your parents were lovely or awful, or that Ohmigod I LOVE BOB DYLAN TOO!!!

It’s that you’re making him feel good.

say goodnight, politely, close your laptop and don’t engage further. Don’t let his desire for an ego boost, turn you into someone you aren’t.

I agree with this

@BeeDavis

It’s people like you that make men think they’re untouchable. I feel bad for his wife and you should too! Absolutely hate women like you.

Many of the women OP works with will feel the same way. The others will pity her.

Some of the men will consider her fair game from now on and the others will avoid her like the plague. She really has shat where she eats by starting all this up!

Some of the men will consider her fair game from now on and the others will avoid her like the plague. She really has shat where she eats by starting all this up!
I agree with you.
The fact that her male friend/colleague took it upon himself to announce her attraction shows the guys are willing to gossip.

If the married man has any discretion then he might have kept his mouth shut, the OP can reinstate some professional distance, and ride the wave until it becomes a silly embarrassing confession.

If the married man has loved having his ego boosted and shared some of the conversations with other men in the office then the reputational damage will be done.

I understand what you’re saying about ignoring instead of blocking, but it could get messy. It may be easier to block now and say you felt it was inappropriate having these chats as he is married. Plus I really wouldn’t confide anything to your other colleague again...