Talking/flirting with a married man. I know it's wrong

[Greyandwhite]

I know I'm a horrible person and I expect to be completely flamed for posting this

I'm not even sure how it got started. We met in work over a month ago, got chatting, had a bit of a laugh but I noticed the wedding ring and that was that. I'm 24 and he's 37. Was talking to another male colleague a few days later and the topic came up, I told him I thought he was attractive but knew he was married. Told him in confidence so didn't really expect him to say anything as I knew nothing could ever happen but I guess men gossip to...

This was over a month ago now and I haven't seen him since we first met. I'd not even given it a second thought until last night when he requested to follow me on Facebook out of the blue. I thought nothing of it as I do have a lot of work colleagues on Facebook so saw nothing wrong with accepting him but certainly didn't expect him to message me or make any contact. Well, he has tonight. Made a lot of comments about how he's flattered "someone like me??" would find him attractive etc and asking "if I like him?" and "what have I been saying about him?" I asked him if he was married, he said yes but is still continuing to message and be flirty/cheeky.

I have to admit, I am enjoying the attention and we are having a laugh, talking about random stuff but I know it's completely wrong and so inappropriate. Just spoke to the other colleague about it (the one who told him) and he's confirmed that he finds me very attractive etc.

Just give me a kick up the arse, I'm not a slag. This isn't me, I know it's wrong. I would be heartbroken if this was my husband/partner. I know there is no excuse for doing something like this

@thebabessavedme

'Office Whore' is exactly how those men see you, I wouldnt be surprised to find out that they have a bet as to who gets to shag you first.

Time to grow up I'm afraid, they are laughing at you!

That's disgusting. Let's blame a young woman if office men did decide to label woman in such a way and laugh at them.

This older bloke thinks he’s in for an extramarital shag and if he gets it, he will high five the other guy.

They aren’t your friends.

Keep your personal life stuff out of work, only share it with non- work friends.

Even if you don’t care about this guys family it is going to make work embarrassing if you do it. It already sounds awkward so stop digging the hole even deeper. People are good at gossiping- they do it behind your back so you remain blissfully unaware.

Tell the older man you’ve started seeing someone else. Probably the easiest way to get out of it.

Keep up with not replying to him. Not just out of respect for his marriage or his wife, but respect for yourself.

You said in your first post that this is not you and that you know it's wrong. So if you did stay in touch with him, it'd mess with your sense of self, force you to rethink the principles you thought you had, and that would then eat away at your self-esteem.

For your own sake, stay away from him. Hold your head high, you deserve much better than this.

[quote Greyandwhite]@Tinkity he isn't the office gossip though? Or at least he wasn't until recently. I have spoken to this colleague before in confidence about personal problems at home for example my mum being unwell and my ex being abusive to me when we were together and this information was never passed around the office. [/quote]
Those other subjects weren’t juicy gossip, this one is. He’s betrayed you the first time he had something to share he knew people would find interesting. I’d be careful around him and back off a bit. Focus on your career at work, and you friendships and relationships outside work, and you will be fine.

And well done for ignoring the married man. I know it’s exciting, and tempting. Maybe you’re just a bit bored in general and need something new to fill your time. Try to figure out what’s underneath it for you and what you’re currently missing that his attention is giving you, and find better ways to meet those needs. Good luck!

@idontknowaboutyoubutimfeeling2

So boys your own age are really immature but some late thirties married man messaging you asking if you fancy him because is he's been gossiping with your colleagues is the height of maturity? Ok then.

This!!

You knew exactly what you were doing when you ‘confided’ in your colleague, you knew it would get back to married twat. How are you finding him remotely attractive with his beggy attitude? ‘Oh tell me again how attractive I am?’. Absolutely pathetic, and his poor wife none the wiser.
Grow up.

He and his colleague may have a wager on whether he can get you into bed.
How would that make you feel when you turn up at work to sly looks and gossip?
Walk away now with your head up.

Ffs lack of men? They are ten a penny. Particularly as you don't sound that picky.
One day you will be in what you thought was a committed relationship and you will find out that your partner is lusting after a younger, prettier version and you will remember what you have done.
I don't expect much from men as this behaviour is almost the norm for them but for a woman to do this to another woman is a special kind of betrayal. But you will see.

Thank you @reader12

You might not be much younger or prettier than his wife. My ExH has an exit affair with a colleague who was a few years younger but far less attractive than me (others have confirmed this!) she just didn’t have kids and was still into regular gigging and pub crawls.

It’s not about you, it’s about him wanting an ego boost or illusion of escape.

I can understand that it seems exciting. It's really easy to be judgemental when not directly involved but so many people get into these situations - they can be exciting and quite addictive despite knowing they're not a good idea
It's human nature to be interested in someone that you hear finds you attractive and very quickly you can get drawn into these messages - social media makes it way to easy!!
I don't think you're doing this as a terrible person at all but it won't be good for your self esteem long term and there would be a small chance of a positive ending to come out of continuing the messaging
If you block and move on now it'll be a lot easier than getting any more involved.

Whether or not anyone chooses to believe me I just want to clarify that I really didn't expect that information to get back to him. This was over a month ago where I had a private conversation with a colleague (who I've spoken to many times before about personal stuff and vice versa) and it was just a passing comment/joke "oh Rob (not his actual name) is lovely, shame he's married ha ha"! That was it. It was 3-4 weeks later that he requested to follow me on Facebook and by that point I'd completely forgotten about what I'd even said. I remember I didn't even recognise his name at first when it popped up on my screen.

But anyway, he messaged this morning and I've ignored and I won't be engaging any further unless it's in work for work purposes.

Thanks

Hmmm, do you feel an ego boost and a sense of control this morning because you are ignoring him? You could have said last night "There's been a misunderstanding. I'm not interested in married men. Let's keep it professional. No hard feelings." Then you unfriend him and block.
Of course, you got into this situation because you are immature (not the 'boys' your age) and you lack self-esteem. You might be a people-pleaser too. You struggle with boundaries. You stayed in an abusive relationship. All of this is in your power to change. You can work on yourself, consider your actions more closely, consider your motivation when you engage with people. Take this opportunity to do that.

Next time you feel a crush pinch yourself for a reality check.
You've started this ball rolling he is going to be persistent for this I've a feeling you'll fall into his arms.

Why don't you jyst block him then OP?

Sorry, not buying it OP.

What a pathetic cliche...young female colleague stroking the ego of an older married man...yawn

You won't get any sympathy from me. That's how my ex started with his simpering fool.

I kicked him out. I didn't want an unconfident man. They split within weeks as he quickly bored of her immaturity.
I met my wonderful dp.
One day you will be the wife.
Beware of karma.

@LEELULUMPKIN that's fine, I don't expect anyone to believe me. I just wanted to put the truth out there.

Agree with reader12, he's indiscrete/gossipy at best.

What did he think was going to come from telling his married colleague/mate that a younger colleague fancies him. What good was it going to do. He can't keep his mouth shut when he should. Not uncommon but ...

I'd be careful about what you say to him.

Also sorry but confiding in him about your abusive ex has given him the impression that you're vulnerable .. so it's even more indiscrete/careless that he passed on to a married man that you fancy him. If he was your true friend he would have thought "I'm not passing that on, she's been through a tough time in her last relationship, she's been abused, last thing she needs is a married man tapping her up".

Hope you are working from home OP and also looking for a new job. It’s going to be excruciating otherwise having to run across this guy at work after this. And you brought it all on yourself too.

Enjoy the walk of shame. Don’t know why you keep saying this isn’t the person you are as your actions have made it crystal clear it’s exactly the kind of person you are!

Ffs lack of men? They are ten a penny

Quite. Like I always say, plenty of men around, no need to share.

Blimey, at 24, I had my pick and didn't need to go round telling older men how attractive they were...vom

You should get some counselling to deal with your abusive ex. Take your time and process it, don't let him make you a vulnerable little boat being tossed this way and that on the "sea" for attention, validation etc.
Don't let him make you a mark for another type of exploiter and abuser.

What a pile of self indulgent twaddle.

I don't know what's worse, chatting up a married man for two hours on Facebook, or running breathlessly to a parenting website to tell everyone.

Is it because your friends are bored with listening to this sort of thing, that you had to turn to Mumsnet?

Either way you need to sort it out.

I have told him I'm going to sleep and he said fine and asked me if I would message him in the morning. I don't plan to. It's not that I don't want to block him as that certainly would be the easier option but I feel it will cause an atmosphere in work and makes things awkward the next time I see him. I think it would be easier to just ignore him and pretend like I'm busy if he ever asks why I don't respond to his messages.

Ah the it will make things awkward at work so I can't do it line!

Because the having the affair and him going back to his wife line won't be awkward!

Knock it on the head.
Do you have any superiors who are married mums? If you carry on like this then you might find yourself alienated and frozen out of progression opportunities.
As fun as it is to be young and pretty and dramatic in your personal life, you should aim to be successful, respected and admired at work.