Talking/flirting with a married man. I know it's wrong

[Greyandwhite]

I know I'm a horrible person and I expect to be completely flamed for posting this

I'm not even sure how it got started. We met in work over a month ago, got chatting, had a bit of a laugh but I noticed the wedding ring and that was that. I'm 24 and he's 37. Was talking to another male colleague a few days later and the topic came up, I told him I thought he was attractive but knew he was married. Told him in confidence so didn't really expect him to say anything as I knew nothing could ever happen but I guess men gossip to...

This was over a month ago now and I haven't seen him since we first met. I'd not even given it a second thought until last night when he requested to follow me on Facebook out of the blue. I thought nothing of it as I do have a lot of work colleagues on Facebook so saw nothing wrong with accepting him but certainly didn't expect him to message me or make any contact. Well, he has tonight. Made a lot of comments about how he's flattered "someone like me??" would find him attractive etc and asking "if I like him?" and "what have I been saying about him?" I asked him if he was married, he said yes but is still continuing to message and be flirty/cheeky.

I have to admit, I am enjoying the attention and we are having a laugh, talking about random stuff but I know it's completely wrong and so inappropriate. Just spoke to the other colleague about it (the one who told him) and he's confirmed that he finds me very attractive etc.

Just give me a kick up the arse, I'm not a slag. This isn't me, I know it's wrong. I would be heartbroken if this was my husband/partner. I know there is no excuse for doing something like this

Ignore ignore ignore

@Katrinawaves

Why would a forum aimed at mothers be a supportive place for an unmarried childless woman trying to kindle an affair with a married man with children

Because even mothers understand that life is not black and white surely. I'm not saying to condone her actions , but some of the replies - calling her a slag and telling her all her colleagues would be laughing at her - were unecessary.

I think making eyes at a married man with children is pretty black and white actually. If she didn’t know he was married or if he’d made the first move maybe there could be a shade of grey but I’m just not seeing that in this scenario.

Hope you are ok GreyandWhite. Some of the comments on here are downright disgusting and some of these people should be absolutely ashamed of themselves - everybody has flirted with someone that they shouldn’t have done at some point in their lives and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Hope all goes well at work and that one day you find Mr Perfect

Wheresmykimchi
Calling someone a slag is out of order.

Pointing out that their colleagues will probably be gossiping about them after one of them stirred the pot by telling a married colleague that OP was attracted to him isn't unfair. The colleagues have proven themselves to be gossips. Unfortunately it is highly unlikely that this situation hasn't become office gossip.

Best case scenario is the married man has kept his mouth shut and lapped the attention up in private. In that situation theres only the gossip or awkwardness for confessing attraction.

Worst case is married man has loved having his ego stroked and has shared elements of the conversation with the team. If that has happened then the OP will be the topic of gossip and it will be much harder to shift

OP not sure if anyine else has pointed this out, but if the relationship goes forward and he leaves his wife for you, then you will be late 20s with a guy in his 40s whose body is falling apart, who has bulk baggage and whose children hate him (and probably hate you too). Is that what you want?

And if it's not what you want ( ie you don't ultimately want to be with him) then what is it you want? Attention? You can get that from an unmarried man. The freedom to flirt with someone you see as unavailable? There are loads of blokes out there who are just DTF and won't ever commit and are not married - pick one of them. The thrill of being with someone forbidden? If it's this then you need to reconsider your behaviour - the pain you will undoubtedly cause is not worth the fleeting thrill you will receive. Just have a think about why you're doing this, and be honest about your behaviour.

You are better than being this pathetic old man's entertainment.

But OP didn't ask for advice on whether or not the colleagues were speaking about her. That was sticking the boot in
I think this was very factual to warn OP on this.
Come'on in every company if there is an affair everyone gossips and judges the secret couple who think they can fool everyone with their lusty looks.
Usually fooling nobody

My (D)H did this to me, months of speaking to another woman. Swapped pics.

I have been in the darkest months of my life because of it. I am finally over the suicidal thoughts, but it's massively affected me, and my children.

Don't do it, don't be selfish and do the right thing.

@DryRoastPeanut

You say “I’m not a slag” but if you was my friend, my daughter or someone flirting shamelessly with my husband I’d tell you in no uncertain terms that you most definitely are a slag.

You know you’re doing wrong by encouraging him. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that. You also don’t need anyone else to give you permission. He’s a tart, so are you.

Just be prepared for that thump on your door from his missus. It absolutely will come.
Please stop trying to kid yourself that you’re an innocent party to this. you’re not. You’re just as much of a slag as he is.

Yes he’s behaving worse than you, but that doesn’t make you innocent. You know he’s married, grow up and find yourself a single man.

Wait, so if your husband was pursuing your daughter who was "flirting" with him (I'm assuming step dad) then you'd call her a slag and not want to protect her? Jesus, I'm glad I'm not your daughter. (Also OP isn't a slag, she sent a married man some messages over a two hour period and realised it was wrong. Don't think women should be calling women slags. )

It's not that I don't want to block him as that certainly would be the easier option but I feel it will cause an atmosphere in work and makes things awkward the next time I see him

Ridiculous. & unprofessional.

Neither of you appear to be discreet. When it comes out at work or his wife finds out why he's hiding in a room at home on his phone messaging you, you'll really know what awkward means.

The only possible redemption is that at least you realise it's wrong. But you aren't resisting that much. A woman doesn't have to have every man that she wants. She won't expire for lack of him either. Not all men are a good bet. This silly man isn't.

You will notice that not one person in this thread thinks it is a good idea, he seems nice, you do you, YOLO, you're not the one who is married he is, etc. There are a lot of people on here with a wealth of experience, some have been in your position and they have learned the hard way. Others have been hurt and damaged forever by their cheating partner. They are sending you a message loud and clear - do not do this, nothing good will come from it.

You really should think about why everyone on this thread thinks the same way.

But OP didn't ask for advice on whether or not the colleagues were speaking about her. That was sticking the boot in.

It is possible the 'gossip' pal told only the man concerned.

Having told us she confided in this man about her abuse I don't think it was necessary to make her feel he was spreading her business. That was spiteful , because all women who get drawn in these situations are slags and tarts etc as opposed to MN women who have never set a foot wrong and been in anything other than black and white
But he HAS been spreading her business. He broke her confidence on one occasion that we know of and he broke confidence to shit stir by telling a married man who is more senior in the company that a more junior woman was attracted to him.
How many conversations have you had at work that have been totally professional, with no signs of any gossip at all and then you've just randomly blurted out personal things that someone has shared?

This man is more senior. The fact that OP's colleague felt comfortable engaging in a conversation about her and her attraction to this man is a statement about the colleagues and their workplace norms.

I've no idea why you've brought slag etc up again when I've already said I think it's absolute uncalled for to call a woman a slag. It seems like you're deliberately trying to lump unpleasant misogynistic insults in with factual concerns about workplace dynamics.

@LolaSmiles

But OP didn't ask for advice on whether or not the colleagues were speaking about her. That was sticking the boot in.

It is possible the 'gossip' pal told only the man concerned.

Having told us she confided in this man about her abuse I don't think it was necessary to make her feel he was spreading her business. That was spiteful , because all women who get drawn in these situations are slags and tarts etc as opposed to MN women who have never set a foot wrong and been in anything other than black and white
But he HAS been spreading her business. He broke her confidence on one occasion that we know of and he broke confidence to shit stir by telling a married man who is more senior in the company that a more junior woman was attracted to him.
How many conversations have you had at work that have been totally professional, with no signs of any gossip at all and then you've just randomly blurted out personal things that someone has shared?

This man is more senior. The fact that OP's colleague felt comfortable engaging in a conversation about her and her attraction to this man is a statement about the colleagues and their workplace norms.

I've no idea why you've brought slag etc up again when I've already said I think it's absolute uncalled for to call a woman a slag. It seems like you're deliberately trying to lump unpleasant misogynistic insults in with factual concerns about workplace dynamics.

I'm allowed to mention the same thing more than once.

Also - not many, but if my male pal told me he fancied my female friend at work I'm pretty sure it would come up in conversation. We don't know how it was said or that he expected MM to act the way he did.

All this is by the by. There were many posts about enjoy everyone laughing at you .
We do not know this and it's unecessary.

@Worriedandabitscared - I don't agree with the post but that's not what they meant. They meant if OP was their friend OR daughter OR flirting with their husband

Also - not many, but if my male pal told me he fancied my female friend at work I'm pretty sure it would come up in conversation. We don't know how it was said or that he expected MM to act the way he did
People fancying each other would come up out of nowhere in professional workplace conversation? Or, more likely you might share one friend fancying another in friendly conversation where the topic and nature of conversation was more informal and more open to gossip.

If her colleague wasn't engaging in gossip and was having professional interactions then a married senior colleague would not have been told that a single, more junior colleague was attracted to him. The fact he seems to have been open to this sort of conversation says a lot about how people (often senior men) approach the workplace.

If your male pal told you he fancied a senior married woman in the company would you go to the senior woman and inform her that your mate fancied her?
If your male pal had disclosed his traumatic relationship history prior to admitting he fancied a married senior colleague at work, would you go and inform the married senior colleague?

You seem to think it's wrong to point out that her colleague has been spreading her business when that is exactly what he has done by gossiping and stirring. There is absolutely no other reason for someone to tell a senior married colleague about a colleague's crush unless they were gossiping and stirring.

@LolaSmiles

Also - not many, but if my male pal told me he fancied my female friend at work I'm pretty sure it would come up in conversation. We don't know how it was said or that he expected MM to act the way he did People fancying each other would come up out of nowhere in professional workplace conversation? Or, more likely you might share one friend fancying another in friendly conversation where the topic and nature of conversation was more informal and more open to gossip.

If her colleague wasn't engaging in gossip and was having professional interactions then a married senior colleague would not have been told that a single, more junior colleague was attracted to him. The fact he seems to have been open to this sort of conversation says a lot about how people (often senior men) approach the workplace.

If your male pal told you he fancied a senior married woman in the company would you go to the senior woman and inform her that your mate fancied her?
If your male pal had disclosed his traumatic relationship history prior to admitting he fancied a married senior colleague at work, would you go and inform the married senior colleague?

You seem to think it's wrong to point out that her colleague has been spreading her business when that is exactly what he has done by gossiping and stirring. There is absolutely no other reason for someone to tell a senior married colleague about a colleague's crush unless they were gossiping and stirring.

I think it's wrong to make her feel like everyone is gossiping and laughing about her and she's the joke of the office , yeah.