Talking/flirting with a married man. I know it's wrong

[Greyandwhite]

I know I'm a horrible person and I expect to be completely flamed for posting this

I'm not even sure how it got started. We met in work over a month ago, got chatting, had a bit of a laugh but I noticed the wedding ring and that was that. I'm 24 and he's 37. Was talking to another male colleague a few days later and the topic came up, I told him I thought he was attractive but knew he was married. Told him in confidence so didn't really expect him to say anything as I knew nothing could ever happen but I guess men gossip to...

This was over a month ago now and I haven't seen him since we first met. I'd not even given it a second thought until last night when he requested to follow me on Facebook out of the blue. I thought nothing of it as I do have a lot of work colleagues on Facebook so saw nothing wrong with accepting him but certainly didn't expect him to message me or make any contact. Well, he has tonight. Made a lot of comments about how he's flattered "someone like me??" would find him attractive etc and asking "if I like him?" and "what have I been saying about him?" I asked him if he was married, he said yes but is still continuing to message and be flirty/cheeky.

I have to admit, I am enjoying the attention and we are having a laugh, talking about random stuff but I know it's completely wrong and so inappropriate. Just spoke to the other colleague about it (the one who told him) and he's confirmed that he finds me very attractive etc.

Just give me a kick up the arse, I'm not a slag. This isn't me, I know it's wrong. I would be heartbroken if this was my husband/partner. I know there is no excuse for doing something like this

*minimum detail

@reader12

Oh sweetie. Don’t move from a relationship with an abusive arsehole to a relationship with someone who is also a total arsehole but hides it with a layer of charm.

You are worth more than this. You don’t need this man. Get some counselling and learn how to value yourself higher than accepting dregs of flattery and attention from a lying shitbag.

Um, this, really.

You have the chance and choice now to have an amazing life partner who can be older or whatever but must be free.

This guy is already coercing you gently by asking about texting in the morning.

Just tell him no sorry. End of. And block him. Because this is totally going to end up in a messy affair and ruin lives and waste your precious time.

If you don’t unfriend him, his next move is going to be suddenly becoming upset about something sad and personal like a sick or dying friend, and turning to you in his distress. You will be kind, and comfort him, and then you’re another step further down a path you can’t get back from. He might wait a week or two, and his distress will be genuine, but you’re not the right person for him to bring it to, and he’ll do that to manipulate you. I guarantee you that scene is in your future if you don’t put a real stop to this.

People are being harsh because we’ve all seen this play out so many many times. If you haven’t blocked him, you’re still playing the game.

You say “I’m not a slag” but if you was my friend, my daughter or someone flirting shamelessly with my husband I’d tell you in no uncertain terms that you most definitely are a slag.

You know you’re doing wrong by encouraging him. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that. You also don’t need anyone else to give you permission. He’s a tart, so are you.

Just be prepared for that thump on your door from his missus. It absolutely will come.
Please stop trying to kid yourself that you’re an innocent party to this. you’re not. You’re just as much of a slag as he is.

Yes he’s behaving worse than you, but that doesn’t make you innocent. You know he’s married, grow up and find yourself a single man.

@GilbertMarkham thank you, that was my thinking to.

@reader12 has nailed this straight on the head.

@Katrinawaves

If she wasn’t interested she wouldn’t have gone back to gossipy man last night to ask whether married man fancied her. She’s clearly up for it all and has created quite the workplace drama for herself already. Even without the wet carpark scenario

Quite. Not sure how blocking him would be awkward but the “oh I’ve been busy, tee hee” “Oh I’ve not seen the messages” but please keep messaging me as I fancy the pants off you dance is going to get increasingly awkward when he keeps messaging and she keeps ignoring.

Ignoring doesn’t work, the next time she needs an ego boost, or is bored or lonely...

It's incredibly awkward but you are now going to have to extract yourself from this situation. If you block him and ignore, that is difficult because you work together and it makes you look guilty of something or like something has actually happened. You need to subtly distance yourself and stop flattering him whilst maintaining a professional, polite working relationship. Very difficult as you've set the tone and now need to change it.

You sound very naive. Let this be a lesson to you...don't pour your heart out at work to people you think you can trust or get yourself into awkward situations.

Of course men will talk and of course married men enjoy the attention of young female colleagues.

Saying this in the nicest way possible...wise up.

Ffs some posters on here are hilarious. Op hasnt murdered someone ffs she's had two hours of messaging someone, has realised it's completely wrong and has now stopped. Some people are frothing at the mouth and I don't get why..

@Lollyneenah

Knock it on the head. Do you have any superiors who are married mums? If you carry on like this then you might find yourself alienated and frozen out of progression opportunities. As fun as it is to be young and pretty and dramatic in your personal life, you should aim to be successful, respected and admired at work.

This is it, 100%. Women will consider you untrustworthy (including professionally) and the decent men will consider you a non-serious, frivolous, unstable sort of person. Decent married men will sensibly view you as a grenade to be avoided. All of this will impact you professionally. Men get judged hard too, but they get off light compared to the woman of the affair pair.

Don't play hard to get with married men, OP. Be impossible to get. Live as if you have value, or your value will be adjudged by others, and it will be judged low.

You are so young OP. We're older and we all know that the world has changed - but not much.

You don't deserve to get flames he is in the wrong not you. He messaged you and you realised it was not appropriate straight away. You sound lovely and very mature. He is the married one, don't let his actions and lack of respect for HIS wife make you feel bad. It just shows you what a dick he is.

In my twenties I started a relationship with a man with a partner and a child (he lied and neglected to tell me about his child). They weren't married but it's the same thing really. I basically ruined my own life for 3 years over it. I was obsessed with him. Missed out on so many opportunities to meet someone decent or just to enjoy single life. My self-esteem was through the floor. I used to cry on the kitchen floor like a fucking Amy Winehouse song over this dickhead. He stayed with his partner. They usually do and even if they don't it's just all so ugly and tainted isn't it, with that sort of beginning. Everyone at work will think you're a piece of shit. People seem to judge the woman worse than they do the man with the partner. In my experience anyway they do.

See this as a lucky escape. If you're attracted to older men find a nice single one. You just don't need this heartache in your life, because that's what it would end up being. I know you've ignored his message now from your update, but just to give you my experience. Don't go there!

@Greyandwhite

Whether or not anyone chooses to believe me I just want to clarify that I really didn't expect that information to get back to him. This was over a month ago where I had a private conversation with a colleague (who I've spoken to many times before about personal stuff and vice versa) and it was just a passing comment/joke "oh Rob (not his actual name) is lovely, shame he's married ha ha"! That was it. It was 3-4 weeks later that he requested to follow me on Facebook and by that point I'd completely forgotten about what I'd even said. I remember I didn't even recognise his name at first when it popped up on my screen.

But anyway, he messaged this morning and I've ignored and I won't be engaging any further unless it's in work for work purposes.

Thanks

Just block him! Why even leave the option open?

And the whole I can’t because there will be an atmosphere is nonsense .......there already is one because you gave a green light to a married man and he went for it!

Balls in your court but I think you knew it would be. And knowing that your keeping him on FB.........I think that says it all really

Just been reading comments. If my partner was acting like that man I'd blame him not the other woman. I don't understand it when people blame the innocent party. And no I have never been the other woman. I have been cheated on though and it was my partner that lied to me no one else.

Just ask after his wife every time you see him. ‘You and xx do anything nice this weekend?’ ‘Kids excited for Santa?’ ‘What are you getting her for xmas?’

Lmao - OP is getting a proper beating on this thread. Calm down, folks.

I can understand why she can't block him. After all he is her senior and she needs to work with him.

It would make things awkward at work.

She knows this is wrong and that's why she came on mumsnet to have it confirmed for her. We shouldn't be too harsh on her.

I know single-handedly how an abusive relationship can knock your confidence and send you right into the arms of another man who isn't good for you either.

I think you should stay single for a while, focus on yourself and build boundaries and perhaps get some therapy to deal with your trauma.

All the best x

Men get judged hard too

No they don't.

You haven’t done anything wrong by noticing him and passing comment but unfortunately it’s now escalated slightly and if you continue to message, you are knowingly engaging with a taken man and that would be wrong.

It may be that you begin the develop feelings and it all becomes too much and he may be quite persistent which will make that harder. Resisting the temptation takes some inner strength! I think if it was me and it got to that, I would do whatever it took to detach myself and let he know that all the time he was married, I wouldn’t be interested but if he was single then I would be up for a date. He’s then left with a decision to make and if he decides to continue his relationship with his wife, you only meant one thing to him and knowing that would help you to not fancy him anymore. He would then move on to the next person.

I know this won’t wash well with other people and I’m at risk of being flamed haha. But to put a different spin on it, he may be very unhappy in his marriage and may have low self esteem himself. Your flattery might be the only positive attention he’s had in years. It dosent make him an evil person for chasing it. He could be going through domestic violence and can see a way out with you. We don’t know everybody’s situations and having a ring on your finger dosent mean your life is complete and there’s a perfectly innocent wife who placed that on his finger.

On the other hand, he could be a serial cheat and have an amazing woman behind him.

You are allowed to talk to him. If he’s in an unhappy marriage and likes you and respects you, he’ll be willing to leave the marriage before continuing to get to know you better.

Just don’t, whatever you do, do anything that you know is wrong. It’s probably a good job that covid has put a stop to works Christmas do’s this year!

Everyone finds other people attractive at times. Most people know that thought remains in your head.

The mistake you made was telling someone. Now the married man you said you find attractive has realised he can pick you up for a bit of an ego boost. You're also enjoying the ego boost. The whole thing is childish and wrong.

Op you did the right thing ignoring him as you said you'd be. Heart broken if you was a wife and had it done to you but I also agree it could make an atmosphere if you blocked him. He will probably get the hint an he might try keep it in his pants or learn not to be a hoe bag himself. You go sisterrrrr !! X

The vitriol on this thread is shocking! The OP came to ask for advice, freshly out of an abusive relationship, and most of the comments are over critical and bloody rude - office whore? Jesus Christ.

OP, you've made a mistake by telling the colleague in confidence, but we've all done it. At least you know now. And well done for ignoring, it can be hard to tell good attention from bad attention especially with your history.

You're doing the right thing by disengaging, and it will all blow over in time and he'll get bored of messaging eventually - if you immediately block him I'd have been wary of any blowback from damaging his fragile ego!

Wish you the best!

Op
Men like him actually don't think much of women.
Basically, he seems to think that all you are good for is to boost his ego, and to receive the scraps of him.

He is only going to message again. You may want to tell him that you hope he has a lovely rest of the weekend with his family, and you'll see him at the office on Monday.

And then be vigilant in treating him only with professionalism

@PrincessNutNut

Men get judged hard too

No they don't.

Oh they do - at least by slightly older married/divorced women - just no where near as hard as the women (not fair, but true).

Men who cheat are disgusting - but whilst our society judges the men, it punishes the women. Again, not fair, but that's how it plays out, every time. That's the cautionary advice for OP.

She needs to jump clear of this like it's on fire and she's made of paper.

Oh they do - at least by slightly older married/divorced women - just no where near as hard as the women (not fair, but true)...Men who cheat are disgusting - but whilst our society judges the men, itpunishesthe women. Again, not fair, but that's how it plays out, every time.

So in other words, no they don't.

The office whore grin in 1925, maybe.

Sadly its how some men think, and as two of her colleagues are already discussing her behind her back, they probably are taking bets like someone else said on how long it takes for this older man to get her into bed.